Friday, August 28, 2009

Break Through

I think I may have had a break through with Johnny last night. Today is 3 months officially. We've been dating for 5. Maybe I was right in trusting my instincts that it would grow over time. Anyway, I finally just started talking. And, instead of feeling like, self conscious and silly about the things I was saying I felt like we had something meaningful again.
He said he loves me, and wants to be with me, and that this is the best relationship he's ever had. I was concerned it had been too easy. I had other concerns as well I haven't really voiced in here about intentions and time frames and things. So I just sort of started in on talking, and he talked back and it was all good. I broke that communication barrier I think I'd been feeling. Which means, I'll start feeling like building the friendship part more.
Today after last night encouragement I asked if he'd come to Frank's show tonight and he said yes. But then working it out- it didn't seem to work out so we decided he should stay in Seattle. I said 'I really want you to be more a part of my life because I always come here, and we usually do what you want and things, but I guess I just want to know you want to be part of my life. He said of course I do baby I love you.' And I smiled.
(Sorry if that last paragraph was confusing. I'm writing quickly.)

So he's coming to karaoke to meet Frank in 2 weeks, because next week he's got 2 shows to play. I'm hoping he'll meet some of my other friends too. I want them to come out to the Post Adolescence shows. The point of this is just to say the connection we have is evolving into something more tangible and that feeling where I shouldn't talk to him or I can't may come and go, but for now it seems to be heading in the right direction. I am starting to feel I know him well enough and am secure enough in this now to start asking for what I want. And that is a great feeling.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Music! Music! Music!

Yesterday's band practice was harder, but amazing. And admittedly, it was harder because I was a bit of a pusher yesterday. I really wanted us to get "Nothing" down. Down so it sounded good enough to have a decent recording. Plus after hearing what Frank said about it all I pushed to incorporate his ideas because I agreed with him. So we made the guitars harder in the bridge, and did a bit of a guitar solo after the bridge, though while I'm singing the last bit.
I'm very happy with the way it turned out and am gunna upload it to myspace. Granted it's not perfect but it gives the idea. :)

In between writing this paragraph and the next I got an email from Gorilla productions again. They say the battle of the bands for the 13th is out. But asked us for Oct 11. I absolutely am stoked and said yes, even before talking to the guys but hell, plenty of time for them to clear their schedules. Lol. THEN I got an email from Josh our bassist who said he talked to their old producer and wanting to get the three songs down for an ep is gunna cost X amount, and the best time to do it is the first weekend in October. So the 3/4 in the studio. (A real studio! Holy cow!) and then the 11th debuting at Studio Seven. I am so excited. I am shocked. I am just all sorts of positive emotions right now. So much so I just had another bad ass rock melody write itself. I think I may write about what I'm feeling when I get done with this and want to focus on lyrics.

My dream when I started was to be part of a girl group. So I auditioned for one in Utah. I didn't have the right kind of voice for that particular group, but the company that was running and training them were impressed and asked if I'd work with them, because they were thinking of starting another group they thought I'd fit in well. So I worked with them for 6 months, dancing and singing and then it seemed to be going the right way. We had teamed up with a rather good boy band out of Utah that is now defunct too. But then... funding fell through and everything was put on hold. And then I moved to Seattle for the first time. Then I decided I'd be better off as a pop singer myself. I had been writing music since age 5 and I'd always wanted to record it and do something with it. But I had no idea where to begin on that. So I wrote, and sat, and did nothing for ages until I started talking to a guy online who said he could help me. So I went and recorded my first song ever at his apartment. "Mind Body Heart and Soul"and I remember how excited I was to hear it the first time. Wow. I was stoked.
Then I met my Ian sunshine bunny, and we wrote and recorded and bonded over our music. I recorded most things with him. And none of it was rock.
One weekend years later I went to spend the weekend with Wayne and he had a song written and asked if I'd do lyrics. So I did, and it became "Goodbye" which is now one I play with the band. And then I started getting into hard rock. And I decided then I wanted to be part of a rock band. Evanescence would be my inspiration.
The dream evolved into a Seattle rock band. I wanted to get back home, do rock. Then I wasn't sure how to do that, because the songs I was writing were all pop oriented before. On the ambient side almost. "Running" has always been one of my favorite songs I'd written. I wrote it about Wayne and chasing him and one day it clicked. I can make this a harder song. And then sometime after I wrote "Lullaby" intending it to be a hard rock song. And then I started thinking like a rocker. Then I joined "Metal Tears" and knew. I just knew.
Katie Kate's Monkey Punch has been something I needed in my soul, and when it was time, it came. And I wish it had come a year ago, but I guess I had to pay my dues with '2564' to get here. I appreciate the experience it gave me.

So now, here I am.

Michael and I went to Frank's show last night. Sang fairly decently. Frank always knows how to make the reverb on his mics sweet. I'd forgotten he can do that better than most karaoke hosts including me. I'm not biased on this. He knows sound really well. He was in amazing spirits. Really, very on show for him. Michael commented on it too. Then he said 'has he met someone?' I laughed and said no. I'd spoken to him earlier that day, and the day before and I'm sure he'd tell me if that had happened. We have no secrets.

Anyway, I actually helped take down the system, met the management, and then dropped Michael off home and went to Frank's. We laid around dead more or less watching Family Guy and eating the pizza he'd made as a snack. His kitty got into a fight the other night and his face is really scratched up, and he keeps licking it. I got up every once in awhile to check on him, and give him loves. One of those times I noticed Frank looking at me out of the corner of my eye and the look he was giving... It struck me. It was like he was looking at me as more than just a friendly look. Like lovingly. I didn't say anything and I didn't think about it too much until today. Maybe I'm being crazy. I've never seen that before though. Up until recently we didn't see each other more often than once every two weeks. Usually longer. When we were "dating" I way strectched it out. I didn't want to come off as needy or anything. When I started dating Johnny, Frank was well aware of what was up. And then right before Johnny and I got together we started hanging out more often than usual. The night after Johnny and I got together Frank and I went to One Eyed Jack's and did karaoke. He told me I was his favorite person to drink with. Why I took such pride in that compliment I dunno, but I liked it. When we got back to his place he sat on the couch and grabbed my hand at which point I said "Frank, Johnny and I are together now." He said something like congrats and I excused myself shortly after.
When that happened it was like, all of a sudden there was this magic thing that happen that allowed us to be friends. No worries about anything anymore. I grew into feeling like I could call him to talk, or hanging out all the time wasn't something that would come off as me trying to be his girlfriend or needy. Just hey, wanna hang? And we do. And it's easy. And until last night I didn't have a second thought about it. I'm not really having any thoughts about it actually. Just wondering what, if anything, that meant. Because it would kill me to lose that sort of friendship I have right now. I don't have to impress him anymore. I don't have to be perfect. I'm just Kate the friend. Not Kate the date, hehehe. And getting to see him at least twice a week is great. I think we're gunna try and rollerblade again before the weather changes.

Side note: Bought the new Imogen Heap album. We will see if I like it as much as the first. I got it because they didn't have the album I wanted Hoobastank's 'Every Man For Himself.' I love that album. I miss the hell out of it. Another all killer no filler IMHO.

I've written another long entry and included thoughts again, so I guess I haven't sworn them off entirely. And tonight is a Johnny night, so I gotta get ready for that. I'll be back tomorrow or the next day.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Fear

It's finally Tuesday, which means it's time to see Johnny again.

I feel so off today. Not helping, I scared myself this morning. I suppose I'll recall the events leading up to this.

Yesterday was Frank's bday. He managed to get off work a little earlier than expected so I went to his place. He had already started in on the whiskey. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek when I got there. Pulling a me. Maybe I'm rubbing off on him. He's rubbing off on me. I always say "thanks, man" and I'm pretty sure I picked that up from him. Anyway, we went to Tasters Wok again, and the karaoke host Sabrina is really great. Michael met us there as well, and Michael totally digs Sabrina so it was fun watching them interact. Meanwhile we're singing and laughing and having a good time. I only had a couple drinks though. There was a crowd of regulars for Mondays sitting at the next table and they were very nice. One of the guys let me bum 3 cigs off of him, and I don't bum normally. I usually buy them, but he wouldn't let me. So that was lovely.

Getting to the end of the night I of course, am gunna drive Frank home and promised to see Michael at the 13th ave on Friday for Frank's bands' show. We stopped for food on the way back to his place, and he got some sort of spicy burrito. Then I had another shot of whiskey as we sat around and talked. I find it odd I can shoot whiskey, and not vodka now. Even though I'd much rather drink vodka than anything. Eventually I tucked his drunk ass into bed and came home. He said I love you as I was leaving. I smiled and said I love you too.
I posted to facebook at the end of the night as I usually do, and popped my pills.
Don't do anything else tonight I said to myself. Get changed, do your night time stuff, go the hell to bed.
I never listen to good advice even if it is mine. I blacked out right after. I ate a hard boiled egg by itself, called Frank again who thankfully didn't answer the phone, posted to facebook about not feeling well. And then some I love you bullshit on Johnnys page. Sigh. Then the scary part: I finished off the rum that was in the house for making a drink when Dad and I are sick. I don't know how much it was. I don't remember doing it. I don't know why exactly I saw a need to keep drinking in my state, but apparently fucking crazy Kate thought liquor would def add something more to that point in the evening. I'm always interested to see what I've been up to because I always leave evidence of it around after. The egg shell in the sink, the bottle on the counter, the checking on facebook, and of course the phone calls the next day from people saying you called, or, why did you call? I simply told Frank I took my pills and apparently felt like having a chat. Don't remember it though. Sorry about that.
And it's not like I ever get the notion to talk at a decent hour. It's always 6 or 7 am. I am always so embarrassed about it. I always now get up thinking what did I do. Unless I remember drifting off. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

This is all happening after Michael Jackson's death is being ruled a homicide because of a cocktail of drugs a doctor administered because he couldn't sleep. I posted about it actually. Now I am here.
The only time I have ever been really distraught over someone I didn't know who died was Heath Ledger. I liked him as an actor, but I was a wreck for an hour or so. Chris just held me unsure what to say or make of it as I wailed "don't you see? That's going to be me!"

And I am scared. Because I still believe that.

And it has been building and building and building. I can remember sitting on the couch in the front room as a middle schooler, praying someone would wake up and come down and keep me company. But they never did. And I can remember moving to the island and playing the sims every night until 3am even though I had school the next day because I couldn't sleep. And I can recall finally going to the doctor about the headaches soon after and finding they were likely due to a lack of sleep. I think it was 2 years later I began the ambien. Then I started drinking because I turned 21. And that's when the initial weirdness started. So I learned not to do both at the same time. But with no one around, I didn't care. I wanted to have fun, and go to sleep.
But then Chris would stay over sometimes and I'd get crazy on him. I can't imagine how hard it would be have been to be with me on those nights. I don't envy him that. I think there were things he'd do that made it worse though. After awhile I was never the best version of myself around him on ambien or not. He made me suspicious and angry and say snipey things. I hated who I was after awhile. I'm not mean or anything mind you. I don't hurt myself or anyone. I am just... Weird. Sometimes I get sad I'm told by my Dad. I think I know why. At my core I have always been tragically depressed. It's only been the last year and change I've been really happy. But the thought crosses my mind everyday that it could just as easily be taken away. And I wonder what I'd do, and I'm not ready to face that.

Five years I've taken that drug. I've built a tolerance to it. Eight years with serious, chronic, unrelenting insomnia, with periods of hypersomnia sprinkled in there when my body wants a recharge. Two years since I discovered the ectacy and agony of Xanax. The only real thing that worked. I drift off, like you're supposed to. I lay down because I have no choice. There is a moment of pure euphoria that washes over me when my brain says oh my god, we're going to sleep now. And then, at the beginning anyway, I'd sleep for ten hours. And I'd wake up and I could remember things. And I had energy. And I felt so fucking ALIVE like I'd never known on a physical level.
And then I got addicted. And I had to ween myself off of them for the first time. Dean to his eternal credit helped by stealing 3 of his roommate's xanies. I left money for in one of her pants pockets hoping she'd just think she'd forgotten about it, while still paying for the pills. If we had asked permission, she never would have let us. Dean's room mate at the time was Amy, the only girl I've ever really gotten into a fight with. Well, near fight I suppose. Anyway, I don't feel bad about that even though I probably should. I weened myself off properly and stopped taking them.
I don't think I realized how well Dean treated me at the time either. I was still wallowing in the whole Chris with Diana thing, which was the worst blow. Hoping somehow we'd end up back together. Dean I think, though not deeply in love with me was in love with me, and I'm afraid I really broke his heart. I think I'll call him and tell him I'm sorry, and that I appreciated him.

But then I was on again. And off again. And on again, and then lo and behold addicted again, with no resources to ween off. So I went cold turkey. It was 4 days of hell, nothing like the 2 days of irritation the weening was. I promised I'd never get addicted again. But then, even in the time I've been writing this blog I realized one day I was having symptoms. Knowing what it was I did exactly what I had to do. And now I'm off them again. Though dear god I would KILL for some right now.

Then last September rolled around, and just as I predicted the worst happened, and I wound up in the ICU.
And now I feel like I'm just waiting for it to happen again sometimes. The further along I get, the less I feel the pills, the less sleep I get and the more desperate I get, it's all a fucking recipe for disaster. The last REALLY good sleep I got was the entry I entitled "napping fucking rules." It means so much when I get good sleep, I actually blog about it. How fucked up is that?
Dying doesn't scare me. Like I said, I kinda look forward to it in ways. What does scare me is I'm gunna do it accidentally. In a haze of nothingness, and won't see it coming, even though I have total control over it.

I hope people can have sympathy for me when I do these amazingly stupid things. I hope they realize I can't help it, and I don't mean it. And obviously I'm not thinking or I wouldn't.

So yeah maybe that's contributing to my off feeling. I'm gunna have a little cry, and then I'm gunna head to the beach. Maybe I can get away from the noise here and just reset myself. Then I'm gunna try and talk to Johnny. We're not far enough along for him to have to be dealing with these things. Now isn't the time for him to be dealing with my stuff at all. So I'm gunna clear my head, and spend the evening trying to reconnect with my boyfriend I haven't seen in 5 days, and what feel like longer...

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Band/Frank in Seattle

How early am I up again? God. I can see dying from this today. I was up for over 24 hours again. I had to get up early for band practice yesterday. The day before that had to get up early for Johnny. Wednesday I just had bad sleep issues. It's culminating into imagining myself laying down and never waking up. Not that a break from the pain wouldn't be nice. Lucky it's Sunday and I don't have to worry about doing anything.

Yesterday at band practice we finally decided on a name which is great because we've been dealing with that for weeks now. Totally based off a joke the drummer said, we have been coined Katie Kate's Monkey Punch. When I told my Dad he just laughed and said it was perfect for knowing the guys. I was happy cuz it's my name in the title heh. That and it's a respectful throwback to the 90s music I know and love. So, I began designing a logo for us yesterday, redid the myspace site, sent out a long email sketching out a game plan from here, did some research, and spent the rest of the day just pretty busy on band business. We're making progress. Things are moving along as far as what a band can do in the initial stages. I'm excited.

Johnny and I didnt have our usual Saturday night together for the second time in 2 weeks. Last week cuz of his cold, and this because he is in the studio recording his debut album. I'm excited for him and very happy he's doing it. He's doing it again today as well. Anyway, since it got cancelled, just as I was thinking of heading to bed, Frank called. I, except for the last 2 weeks as well, don't get to see Frank on the weekends. He's always gigging on weekends. His gig yesterday was in Tacoma and ended early so he asked if I wanted to go out. I said sure! Fuck being exhausted. So he said he felt like driving to Seattle, so I rattled off about 16 of the places and what was going on and he decided on 80s music at the Noc Noc. So, I got dressed and we went. I played him the songs on the set list I wanted feedback on on the drive there. Frank is always super tactful but honest when it comes to that sort of thing. He said 'Nothing' is a great song, but the dynamics need to be more accentuated. I agree completely. He liked 'Full Throttle', though the guitarist was off the day we recorded this cut. I won't play him 'Running' until I get a decent take with the vocals not being complete dog shit. Anyway he said he's excited to come see us play and that we sound like a good rock band. Yay! I respect his opinion more than just about anybody's right now when it comes to the music.

We got downtown and looked for parking for a bit, discussing the Lady Gaga album and assorted other bullshit. Then as we walked to the Noc Noc we passed a couple other bars, the Whiskey Bar being most noted. I said if the first stop was lame we could always bar hop. Well we had a couple drinks, and we danced to Michael Jackson, but the club was so noisy and I was not feeling the crowd there at all. I didn't feel there was anybody approachable to interract with. So I made noises about maybe switching and Frank and I are very similar in the sense that we don't really care what we do, we just sort of save the foot down for important things. So we decided to walk to the Whiskey Bar, since he's a big whiskey drinker and I've never been. I always want to see new places given the opportunity.

On the walk there we passed the Nite Lite where Johnny's friend and manager Val was smoking outside. Crazy coincidence. So I gave her a hug and introduced her to Frank. Said where we were headed, and she said that she and Tim would be heading to Sophie's at one. I said we might join them and we proceeded on our way.
The bar itself was really warm inside, almost unbearably so. The menu listed all sorts of shots most being like, 11 dollars. I ordered a vodka cran and waited while Frank polished off something 114 proof. Then I said I'd really kind of like to go to Sophie's. I thought it would be nice to have a conversation with Val and get to know her a little more. Not trying to interject myself into Johnny's life anymore than he wants, but since I was invited I decided it would be fun. So we walked there and got a table. Had a short conversation, and soon Val showed up.
It was nice. I was worried Frank might feel left out, but he kept up and interracted like a pro. I think I worried because he's an introvert in his core, and I think I just overlooked the fact that he's a performer as well, and he's always been willing to be social when already out. Plus he was pretty drunk. But not sloppy drunk. Just, you know, delightfully buzzed.
I drove his car home because he got a little more drunk than he intended to be, and I was more or less sober by the end of the evening. I left him when he drifted off watching Fatal Attraction. I'll see him again on Monday.

Anyway, I'd take a nap now, but the neighbors are playing their GOD DAMN MUSIC AGAIN! I'll watch tv until they die down. Mother fuckers.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Jon 2

Sorry about ending the last entry. I was pretty drunk, and had taken my ambien. I did more crazy shit last night, I don't remember doing any of it. Luckily the only person I texted was Johnny which was an i love you text, but I was startled to see it this morning just the same. I did learn one thing: I can still write pretty well when wasted. I've written entries when I have a buzz fading at the end of the night. That was the first one I'll look back on as impressed. Anyway, without further ado I give you part 2.

The first night I came home reeling. I could tell he was attracted to me. I'm pretty sure I asked him to hang again before he could me though. We decided to do sushi a couple nights later at a nice restaurant near the water. He ordered in Japanese which was cool. The night was nice, but he talked a lot about his Japanese teacher. I drank sake and listened politely. Eventually we ended back at his place again, smoking, talking, and at one point he said "you know you can sit closer." I realized I'd been giving him space. I liked him and I wanted to be closer to him, but I was intimidated. It had been rare I'd been intimidated by someone before. So I sat next to him and he put his arm around me. I was guessing by that alone I hadn't come off as a lot of the girls he knew. I knew he knew I liked him. But I questioned why exactly. After a couple more glasses of wine he leaned in to kiss me. I didn't pull back.
The next night we ended up having sex. There was nothing really romantic or special about it. It was what it was. We continued to hang out for the next month, til he had to return to Austin. His interest in me faded a lot I noticed. I can understand why it happened from his perspective. I promised to hold onto his books til he returned on tour, and to keep in touch.
I'd text on occasion. Sometimes he'd text back, but mostly not. Sometimes he'd ask if he could call. Then he'd talk for a long time about his plan to come back, or his plan to go to Japan. He'd talk about his ideas for the next record, and his intended internet business. Eventually I'd have to tell him I had to go. Then on Christmas he sent me a text after not talking to me for a couple months. "Merry Christmas Kate, how are you?" I sent him one back saying I was good. Then he asked if he could call? I said yes and we spoke again for 2 hours. I knew for a fact he was lonely. I thought it odd he chose me first of all, and odd a man who is adored by many was as lonely as he was.
I'd hear from him again maybe a handful of times before he left for Japan, and then his tour. At one point he talked about rooming together when he came back. Then he talked about buying me a plane ticket out to Austin to come visit him. He was sending mixed signals, and finally I just said to myself I don't know how to deal with this. Friendship is great if he wants it. I'm not gunna try and read his mind anymore though. So I let it go until I got to Salt Lake to see him perform. Getting to hang on the tour bus was cool. I decided then and there I wanted one. He was cordial, and we talked more about me than him for the first time since I'd known him.
Then the very next night he snubbed me. Hard core. I wondered what the hell had changed since the day before? Michael told me he'd gotten a girlfriend. I didn't care. All I wanted was a hello. I was the only person who showed up to the Seattle show he'd known in the entire six months he'd lived here. That was how it was. And yes, it hurt.

This comes to my mind because I got a text a couple days ago saying he was moving back and wants to see me. So, he arrives in 2 weeks. It'll make him happy and that's good, and I'd like to be able to talk to him about what happened. That's about where the story ends for now though.

On a side note Johnny Haro (The drummer for the Dreaming) has been great about texting. If I text him, he always texts back. I don't talk to him that often but when I do he's always super sweet. There was a day we were having a text conversation while I was in the library and somehow the subject of VAST actually came up. Turns out they had written a song with Jon that never made the album. When I said I knew Jon from when he had lived here Johnny was surprised. We spoke for a few more minutes of industrial 90s music then he had to return to work and I returned to looking for books. Today is Johnny's birthday, and so we spoke today. He says the new songs are amazing and they'll be on the road again as soon as the album gets made. Good, becuase that first album had not one single bad song on it. Not one. And besides, it'll be good to see Carlton, Johnny, and Brent again. There are Dreaming adventures yet to be had.

Jon

I was thinking tonight about the history I've had with Jon. (Not Mr. Blue Eyes.)

Long before Jon knew I existed, I knew he did. His song, his lyrics... Some of them touched me in the way only life long loves do. "Touched," ""Flames," "We Will Meet Again..." Yeah, those songs moved me. Made me feel something. His band was always one of my favs. Since Travis talked me into liking them. I never thought, in a million years, I would meet and interact with him. One of his songs had an impact on my life, on one particular dark night I'm not ready to share yet. But his words were there... Comforting me. Perhaps egging me on...
Anyway, so I found his myspace. I didn't write him right away. I didn't want to. But I loved reading his blogs. They were relevant, and funny. Finally one day I got up the balls to send him and email. I told him how much I liked his humor, and hey, I was in Seattle too. I knew the cool spots, and if he ever wanted someone to show him round certain spots I would.
I didn't expect any response.
When I got an email back I shook. Literally. I saw it there, afraid to open it. Dear God, had it really happened? Had someone I looked up to musically actually written an email back?!? I clicked gingerly on the email and holy god. It was him.
He thanked me for the email. Said I was funny too. Described how he'd ended up in Seattle. Told me some interesting things. Then lo and behold he asked how to get ahold of me.
It shouldn't be this easy I scolded myself. You've looked up to this particular songwriter for years. How fucked up would it be if he actually exchanged contact information with you?
But then he did.

We wrote back and forth for a week before we decided to call. Believe it or not, he called first. As I saw the contact information light up on my phone that afternoon I began to shake. I wasn't sure the last time I'd been this nervous. Fuck, I had no idea why. We'd been talking for 2 weeks. I'd known he was gunna call. It wasn't like this was Justin Timberlake calling or anything. I answered the phone and managed to keep it cool. He asked when we could get together. I told him I had plans the next 3 days, but after that green light. He said cool. Lemme know. Keep in touch.

I went to Seattle for something 2 nights later. My plans finished early and I thought to myself, I wonder if Jon's available. So, I rang him. He was at some bar with his room mate, and invited me over. I took a deep breath and headed to first Ave.

I found the bar. Jon was waiting outside for me. I got out of the car, took a couple deep breaths and trodded towards the 2 guys waiting. Jon looked nothing like I had imagined him to be. Still recognizable, he looked different. This, made it easier. We hugged and went inside to drink. He bought me one, though I bought the rest. We talked the whole time. Me sitting there thinking, damn, this is surreal. I'm sitting here with one of the people I look up to musically, and I'm having a normal conversation. Something about trance music, and ex relationships, and Texas, and record deals. Wow. It was just... Yeah, surreal.

As the night drew to a close he said "wanna come back to my place? I have wine." I smiled still unsure what to make of everything and said "sure." So we went back to his place, in West Seattle. A small apartment in Sodo. We went straight to his room and talked FOR HOURS. Jon likes to talk though granted, it's mostly about himself. I have coined him as having LSD, Which is Lead Singer Disease. We drank wine and talked til way after 8am or so. Then I said I had to go. I couldn't spend the night there.

And here is where I end this installment. More soon, after sleep. Hang tight, the story gets better from here...;)

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Too Personal

I haven't written in a few days because I've been mulling things over in my head. I should mull them over in here as I used to, but a couple events have shaped how I feel about how honest I've been in this blog. Perhaps, too honest. I'm not sure my complete self, thoughts, experiences are good. Make me a good person.
Part of what goes into this was allowing Johnny to read part of it, because I asked if he wondered what I wrote about him. He said he did, and so I debated whether to give it to him for 30 mins. I finally did, and apparently it was sort of a bad idea. He sees the relationship going differently. I asked him how and the only thing he said was he didn't see it being such an ordeal. So full of pain.
I'm wondering what he read exactly, because it hasn't been a painful ordeal. There have been parts that have been painful. Mostly the parts when I didn't think he really cared either way about me back. And, the beginning part with Amber. He won't read it again though, so I suppose it is what it is.
He didn't want to talk about it after that. One sentence and over. He doesn't want to know. What does that say exactly?
Amber has the address to this, and I know she reads all the entries. I know she doesn't tell Johnny what I've said. Anything I've said to her though, I've disclosed to him at this point. The stuff in here could be misconstrued however. I don't want that at all. I gave him the entries so he could talk to me about any questions. Also, so he could just see how much in the privacy of my sort of public diary, I have written about how wonderful I think he is.
This is a diary after all. Which is probably why it makes for decent reading. Because I write this the way I used to write in my journal every night.
Beyond that I suppose I'll get the events of the week down.

After Frank and I went to dinner on Sunday I stayed until midnight chatting and watching the food network. When I got home I got online and talked to Johnny for awhile. Atl 4 he decided to go to bed. He still had that damn cold, so he went to make theraflu. When he was messing with the kettle he burned himself with the steam. It was bad. He got back on messenger and told me what had happened and he thought he needed help. I left immediately and picked up supplies on the way for the burn.
It was pretty bad when I got there. After he debated me for awhile I insisted we go to the E.R so off we went. Spent the morning there, trying to make him laugh, keeping him company. Finally the doctor came round took care of it all, and we went back to his place. The sun had been rising for awhile. We both commented we hadn't had a morning like that since our coke days. Really, it kind of made me anxious. It was a close reminder. So I popped an ambien and laid down. He laid down next to me and we were asleep soon after.
Monday I spent with him, as he called into work. Nothing interesting to write of. I was EXHAUSTED from 4pm on though. I kept telling myself if I laid down for a nap, I was wasting the extra time I had with Johnny. I refused so I pulled through in that state til 5am when we both went to bed again. Tuesday I left pretty soon after he woke up, as he had made plans with Amber. I stuck around just long enough to say goodbye.
Went back Tuesday night, though I was itching to go out. I hadn't had anything to drink since the last Wed. I spent my first weekend in ages completely sober. I had spent nearly a week in ages completely sober. I hadn't interacted with anyone but Johnny and Frank in a week. I was going a little stir crazy. I would have just gone out and then gone to Johnny's, but I didn't get ready fast enough, and I wasn't sure where to go.
Johnny had wine though, and when I got there he had bought a little Eeyore figurine for me. I have lots of Eeyore things and it really was thoughtful. So I was happy and drinking the wine made the social thing go away. For that day anyway.

Yesterday I woke up in Seattle next to him and he had an early work day so I came home and did my usual Wed routine. Get a salad from McD's, watch an hour of tv, get pissed off at the neighbor's music, try to nap anyway. Then I get up, go to band practice and come home. Band practice was sort of a bust as our drummer and rhythm guitarist couldn't come, so I spent the hours playing a metallica cover, rehearsing one of the ones that I wrote, and writing a new short jam piece. Maybe I'll start writing lyrics to it. It has potential. Then I needed to take back some overdue cds from the library, so I went and returned the materials. I got some new books I'm excited to read, and I spent what felt like forever at the grocery store. Came home, extremely tired again. Was about to call it an early night but decided to check my music myspace, and upload 2 new songs. I had a message. It was Liz from Studio Seven asking if I'd be interested in playing Seattle battle of the bands. I freaked out. Of course I was interested. Not only that but playing at Studio Seven has been a dream since I saw The Dreaming and VAST there. To be on the same stage seemed improbable for awhile. Yet, it seems it's going to be the first solid offer for the new project. Holy cow. To be acknowledged, recognized... To have the honor of even being invited is amazing. I was so stoked. Johnny's band apparently was as well, but he says they don't do anything like that. I'm always excited for an opportunity to perform. I realize maybe he feels he doesn't have to compete. I'm not gunna really be there for the competition. He also says he's heard it's a bad venue to play for. I don't care. It's a validation thing for me. I don't care if we win, but I know Lullaby is a solid good song. I've never heard someone say they dislike it. Hell, my parents even like it. My worry is that I got the email a little late. But I'm taking it as a positive thing. The signs point to it. I'm excited for the future.
I uploaded "I Never Had You" which I recorded live and it happens to be one of two I'm rather proud of to do with Chris. I'm finally working *my* process of getting over it. I want to record the one I did about Johnny soon. It's kind of a love song. It's a first, I don't really do love songs.

Today I went to lunch with my Dad at a mongolian grill and we talked politics. Came home and took a nap, now I'm up writing this and needing a shower. Haven't had a cig since tuesday night. Considering going out for them. Anyway, Dad and I are gunna watch a movie and do dinner when he gets home from weight watchers. Then back to Johnny's.

So you're caught up on my experiences, though not many of my thoughts. Not sure I trust them as much anymore. But I'm still here. Still letting you in my heart.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Weird bits

I was motivated to write. I've taken my ambien. I can tell I'm not all here. I'm supposed to do sushi with Frank tomorrow. Exciting. I was supposed to see Johnny tonight, but because he's sick it got canceled. I spent the night watching tv and doing chores. Lame for a Saturday. I started getting strict again today on my diet Ive lacked for so long.
I also began writing an important letter I think.

I need to take care of shit on Monday. Instead I'm gunna zone out to The Downward spiral for now. Sleep must come soon.

I don't understand how people see fit to judge me, when they don't have all the facts. It seems this is going on with a few people in my life. Who do they think I am exactly? I have strength. I have a voice. I do pick my battles in life. Even on a different spectacle why would I chose something that could be over something that's good now? I think things through, for as impulsive as I am. Let me say because you see the nice person I've been, and I am nice- Does not mean you have me pegged as that. You'd be surprised. I am solid. But I am an illusion. You haven't seen all of me yet. You may never see all of me if I don't trust you.

You are someone else. I am still right here.

scraping through my head til i dont want to sleep anymore...

I should lay down. I don't like what I'm thinking much. Ambien is fucking weird.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Slower Paces

The world is spinning at a slower pace today. Slept late. To be fair I took a second dose of ambien to put my ass back to sleep. I was exhausted and just needed that extra boost to put me back into la la land.

It's raining outside and I'm listening to traffic, but mostly the sounds of the buses at the station. It's actually kinda peaceful.

Last night we were supposed to get together with Johnny's friends for karaoke, but nobody really showed. Johnny had been complaining about an eye infection which he saw the optometrist for and they prescribed him Vigamox. They prescribed me the same thing for the ulcer on my eye. It stung for awhile and I hated it. Johnny after putting the drop on yesterday though had a really adverse reaction to it. He was in tons of pain. So we sat there waiting for his friends to show up while he was in agony, and finally canned it and came back to his place.
We started drinking pretty soon after and I watched him slam the drinks knowing damn well he was hoping the vodka would kill the pain. It didn't. But it made him the most drunk I've seen him. He said the most lovely things. :) Anyway thank God he eventually got some relief in the form of passing out.

Spending the day in bed next to him... There are worse fates. ;) He's laying down again since he can't open his eye. So I came to write to occupy myself while I figure whether I should go home and come back or just stay. I'm a little hungry and I'm afraid cooking will disturb him. I'm afraid anything I do will disturb him and I don't want that.

I did end up spending the night at Frank's the other night. He was very considerate and lovely. He got up before me and made Mexican coffee, and laid some yogurt out for me. There was no noise to be had, except our quiet chatter while we drank the stuff and it felt oddly familiar. Except I've never had that experience before. Oh, come to think of it maybe once or twice at Dean's, but we were never up at the same time. I drank the coffee on the balcony of his condo watching the ducks. That's a lovely memory as well. But that's a solitary memory.
We are spending more time together than we ever have, and I find it strange a bit because I think he's beginning to want me around. Let me try and explain it a bit better. Before we hung only when our busy schedules allowed it, and we didn't really make time for each other. It just sort of happened when it happened. But in the last, I don't know, 2 months maybe he calls more and always figures out a time we can get together at least once a week, though a couple weeks it's been more. I don't want this to be misinterpreted as a romantic thing as it isn't, but it feels like he's come to appreciate me as a person and what I bring to his life. I guess I'm simply remarking on how interesting it is to me that it took him this long to come around. Or, I don't know, that it came around at all.
We talked a lot about his depression last time, and what would fulfill him in his life. He said he liked writing. I offered to help him, and he said he likely would try. I wish he would get into an original project if it would in fact help him feel better. The cover band is driving him crazy right now and I know he's always done that but he's the best guitarist more or less I've ever met. He shouldn't be pissing that away on other people's licks.

I really know some incredible musicians. I swear, it seems to be the only people I know here. Well thank God for that because I didn't know hardly any in Utah, and I craved it most the time. The ones I knew were all crazy. Take Mason for example. Oh, I guess I can't count Nate in that. Nate isn't full on crazy, just the adorable kind. Anyway, it's been great to hear other songwriters and ideas and things. I wish I could've scouted some friend musicians before, but I think it worked out for the best being with 'Durtbox.' (Name is going to change.)

So I've been writing and contemplating this blog for 45 mins and I'm no closer to deciding anything on coming or going.

Dad found an amazing looking place on Craigslist. Has a dock, allows dogs, it's a fucking HOUSE so the best part NO FUCKING NOISY NEIGHBORS! AND I CAN FINALLY BE INCONSIDERATE TOO! YAYAYAYAYAYA
Ahem. I'll grab hold of myself again. The issue with this, is that it is Arlington which adds another 20 mins to my commute to Seattle anytime I want to come. Which means even less money. Even in the chance we get our shit together in time for this place to come through it's a great place so there will be competition. It's on the fucking water. I'm sold. More or less.

Well I've filled up another blog entry bsing again. I've gotta quit this now and find something useful to do. Like watch tv. I'd write music, but there's no keyboard here to work with. Take care world.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Whining

I am overly irritated with the neighbors again. The music is still going upstairs. It's almost 10pm. Yesterday and the day before it went til 1am. I can't do it again. I'm gunna try and find a place to crash somewhere else for the evening. I'd call J, but I don't feel like bugging him on a night alone. Driving that far seems a ways right now. I'm not feeling super hot tonight either.

The last 3 weeks have been another roller coaster in the health dept. My pain level is out of control, and now to add to that, plus the insomnia, I'm having stomach issues. Fucking great. The last time it was this bad I took a bottle of ibuprofen 800s in a semi suicide attempt like, 3 years ago. The next day I woke up pain ripping through my guts. The first thought I had when I opened my eyes is "shit, I'm not dead and my stomach is bleeding" I just knew I fucked it up. I was bleeding when I went to the bathroom. I was sick for 3 days after like that.
I've been feeling that same pain on and off, but I haven't o.ded on ibuprofen or anything. I haven't even gotten like, wasted wasted in weeks. So I'm wondering what's up. There has to be a better way to deal with this fucking pain. My head, my back, my leg... Besides the ripping pain I'm having issues with nausea and stuff. Any stomach issues you can have I've been having it seems.

Dad wants Johnny to come out for dinner. Wow. That's NEVER happened with a boyfriend. My parents have never invited them out, or back, or anything. Did I do something right? Crazy.

I stopped at Frank's yesterday and was shitty company cuz I was so tired. I'm heading back tonight to take him a couple things and be better company I hope. Maybe I can sleep on his futon. I'll ask J if that's ok first. If not I'll be back here later unless Julia calls or something.

I have a couple of dreams I want to write about, because I think bits are significant but I'll wait. So, til then.

Meet the Units

This weekend has been a little different and crazy in a few ways. Johnny agreed about a month ago to meet my Dad, and I didn't really push for it, but it sort of came about that this weekend would be good. So, last he met my parents. We had dinner at the spaghetti factory.
In true Johnny fashion, they loved him. :)
It was really one of the best meetings I've ever had. He was honest and thoughtful and kind. He spoke to both me and them, and overall it was casual anyway, the tone. So it worked out.

After that Johnny got a text from Gar and asked if he wanted to go to Summer's birthday party. Summer is a friend of Amber's and Gar's ex girlfriend. Johnny wanted to go, and I'm always down to go anywhere just about so we went. What proceeded was drama again. Summer hates me. She hates me because she wants Amber and Johnny to end up together I suppose. I realize I am very careful about not talking shit behind someone's back, so this is me really needing to vent. I'm not talking shit, I will find a logical way to say this stuff in light. *Exhale*

I don't remember the last time I was this pissed off at someone. Yes I do. It was Amy. Amy took issue with me after Dean and I didn't work out because I broke his heart. Dean at the time was an alcoholic and had a whole bunch of issues with depression and worked all the time. He was wonderful, truly. But he wasn't for me. When I showed up to my usual bar in Utah with Chris the first time after Dean and I broke up, and Chris and I were working out our issues for the last time Amy was there, and not having it. Amy is a big girl. She could just sit on me and fucking, I'd be done.
When she started her shit from across the bar I sat there politely drinking my drinking and ignoring her obvious threats and taunts. I finally decided to be the bigger person and walk out of the bar whilst Amy trailed behind still calling me out. I had had it. That was my fucking breaking point. I whipped around and felt the adrenaline pumping through me. "What the fuck is your problem Amy?" I sized her up. I could take her. (I think that was the liquor talking. At the time I weighed 115 lbs) Chris held me back, whilst Nate held her back trying to call her off. But I lunged, caught by Chris. Tears were coming to my eyes. I never cry in front of other if I can help it. The anger was seething out of me anyway it could. She got free of Nate and I stepped aside as she came at me. It made her stumble a bit. I spat "I can't believe you."and turned to walk to my car. Unsatisfied, but rethinking what would have happened just then it was probably best I didn't die there. Amy had no reason to be on me like that. To hate me for no damn good reason.

This brings me back to last night. When I arrived Summer saw Johnny and I, smiled at him and flipped me off. That rush that feels like you lose your breath when you know someone is disrespecting you fell over me. Slow down Kate, I told myself. It's her birthday. Be nice.
I gave her a hug, genuinely wished her a happy bday and asked how she was. She responded with good and turned away.
The rest of the night she tried to drag Amber away from me repeatedly, was very short with me. And I made the decision to make one more attempt for her to at least treat me with the same god damn respect I had her. When that wasn't received either I decided I needed to talk to Summer. I had listened to her bitch to Amber at the show. I have seen the way she treats me. Words must be said. I can NOT let myself get disrespected in this. I learned from my last relationship. If Johnny and Amber won't stick up for me, I'll stick up for myself. Fuck it.

Yes, I'm in love. By God, it's the worst thing I could have done in their eyes. I'm not Amber, strike 2. It's not like I came into this situation with the cards stacked in my favor. Amber and J don't say anything, Ill come out looking like a bitch, but I did NOT start this. And I can't just take it. I refuse. I won't be the abused puppy of this situation. I feel sorry that she's doing this, because it's catching me at a time I can't show forgiveness.

After the evening we went back to J's and pretty much went to sleep. I didn't sleep much- I'd forgotten my pills but Im on them now so it's time to go to bed. Night.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Read this. You're in here. :) (LOVE)

Later tonight I get to see Frank and Michael and Julia. Karaoke crew. Stoked about it. Leads me to this...

The more I am around someone the more I come to rely on them for emotional stuff. The more I like them. Even though I blog about starting to go into a bpd episode nobody but my Dad has actually seen one since I've been here. Nobody knows I even have it here except for Amber, and Frank ironically. I told him one night really drunk as some sort of explanation as to why I'd never have a boyfriend again. As it slipped out I realized that wasn't a good thing to be telling the person I most had feelings for at that point. But he didn't really know what it was and really, nobody would be able to tell I have it if I didn't say anything I think. Unless they are like me and study psych. Frank has been an amazing friend to me all the year long. Though he argues we've only known each other like, 9 months. Whatever. Feels like we've been friends for ages more.

I have grown into a social circle for the first time in my life. A few people I feel extremely close to and would do anything for. I feel they feel the same of me. Odd. I have always had more or less acquaintences I'd call to find out if we were hitting the same spot that night. Even Annica whom I considered to be my closest friend in Utah for a time, I never trusted or felt she'd completely be there for me ever. Wayne I couldn't possibly adore anymore than I do, and I'm pretty sure after we had the conversation in Utah when I told him I hadn't been in love with him for awhile we solidified our bond to be a lifelong friendship. He soon after put me as his second friend on Myspace, after someone I don't know and before his best guy friend. That made me feel really special. Maybe that's completely dorky but true. I called him and asked him for advice a month ago when I was worried about the Johnny situation. He listened, gave me advice as a friend, then advice as a dude. He always makes time for me. My love for him is on so many levels, unlike anyone else in my life. Weird, but I love him as a love of a lifetime, unrequetted love, unobtainable love, a friend, a brother, an ex, like, anyway you can love someone is how I love Wayne.
Johnny I grow to love more everytime I'm around him. I feel like every fucking moment is just a blessing or something, and even though I feel like maybe I'm being too nice (even still!) I can't change how I want to treat him. I want to say nice things, treat him with respect and make him happy. He's been so great about agreeing to meet the parents tomorrow. I may be more nervous than he is, but a little excited too. They'll put a face with the name, and all the gushing I've been doing about him. Sigh. It must be nice to hear me talking up a guy instead of crying over one all the time. I can't stop talking about his music either! Even if something happens, I still am gunna be a fan of his work. No contest.
Amber has been really great about opening her home to me. Sharing her innermost thoughts and such. I talk to her more than just about anyone these days. It still feels awkward on occasion trying to work through the thoughts I have on the realtionship she and Johnny have, but I think a bit of it is just... Not jealousy, because it's not the right word... But I see what they have and I want to have it with him. I already sort of have it with her. She's so fucking strong in ways man. People are loyal to her. She's clever as fuck. The only thing I'd change is having her come out with me once or twice, to solidfy her as part of my friend circle. So she'd be more involved in my life so I know she'd stay. I worry she'll leave. I can't help it. Chicks leave man, and so do the boyfriends. Those are my 2 major issues. But she's got compassion for animals, and her closest friends. I hope she considers me one.
Bevin is solidifed in my life. She's my best friend, hands down. That will never fucking change. We haven't been as in touch lately as I'd like, and I don't feel as close as we once did, but I feel that's been because when she and Josh moved in together I lost Bevin and me time. We need that I think, to be strong friends alone. But Bevin needs anything ever, I'm there. Done. She's sat on the phone with me after I swallowed a bottle of pills and waited for my parents to come to take me to the hospital. (This was ages ago.) She's been there through boyfriend after boyfriend. She's celebrated with me. I chose her to carry my banner at graduation. Bevin is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met and I am lucky to be her friend man.
Alastair, I never thought I'd say it, but if I need money he'll lend it to me. He makes time for me too. He completely accepts and apologizes for the things that happened when we were together, and is even willing to reminisce on occasion if something reminds me of those six months I loved him. He isn't what I'd call a sensitive guy, but at the same time he listens.
Michael is such a sweet guy. He is totally the kind of guy that would make an ideal boyfriend. He asks what I'm thinking, compliments me, we have good times together alone or with other friends! He sings fucking amazingly. (I'm critical, coming from me that means he's really good.)
He's so considerate and sweet to everyone he meets. People are fucking drawn to that kid, and for good reason!
I even feel close to my blog readers, Shane especially. You guys hear the thoughts that are in my fucked up head and haven't run off yet. Bless you for that. I love reading yours Syd (I do know your real name, and we need to hang ;), Melody, SB (I don't actually know your real name but you're fucking HILARIOUS!)
Adam is in his own league. The first word that comes to mind when it comes to Adam is fucking RESPECT. I respect him more than anyone I've ever met. He has been a complete gentleman. He is so strong. His heart must ache like mine does from all the compassion he has. He is an amazing father, and he did the most noble thing for me when Chris and I were together, even though, he is Chris' best friend. I was so attracted to him on a different level when I first met him, and I wish I had listened to what that little voice inside was saying that night at the club. Instead, I was blinded by false promises and charm. Sigh. He is, in many ways, one of my only regrets and I'm not sure he'll understand entirely why. ;) I'm not going to go into it, but there's more to it then just "I wish I'd had a chance." I do, but it isn't just that. He deals with a cripling disease with such dignity. I seriously don't know how he manages that. I am crushed by mine.
I am in awe of him, everytime I'm around him. And honestly, the time I have around him isn't enough. I wish we were closer.
I miss Ian so much it hurts. He and I have played this game for years where we're super close. Best friends really, then we lose touch for months at a time. We're at that point now. The last time was because he went off to open for Blessed Union of Souls. Jerk. ;) He has more musical talent than just about anyone I've met, and outside of Michael, the best voice. My sunshine bunny. The only word for Ian is magical. You'd understand if you met him.
Nate started off as a fan thing, and grew into a great friendship. He's fucking dissappeared too, but he'll come back. I have faith. I have to. I can't imagine losing him to addiction or a psycho bitch again.

I've had lots of friends through the years. Mostly after high school. Most of them have come and gone, and been sort of acquaintences and shit. But I am loyal. If I love you man, I'll love you for life. I even still have love for the person who has hurt me most. I can't help it. I always will I think. Everytime I write about him I work him out of my system a little more I think, til one day I see myself being ok. Not angry, not hurt, not trying to survive that mess anymore. Just ok. Ok with the history, because it spawned some of the major events that made me who I am now. And he left me open to find the man I dreamt of on so many levels. I don't mean it in a corny way either. I mean again, when I made that list of the impossible things I wanted in a man J fit them. All of them. And I made that list thinking "he exists, but I'll never meet him." Then I did. Then dear God, for whatever reason he liked me back. ??? It seems impossible. I mean, the logic of it. The numbers are off. So many things had to go right. And they did. And I don't know how, but maybe going through the last one was the due I had to pay to meet him.

Ok. This is a long entry, I know. But I really have so much love in my heart right now. I just want everyone to know how much I think of them. I think the world of the people listed. I need to shower now, and get ready for a little Frank time before everyone else meets up. Thanks for reading this whole thing. :) And, you know, thanks for letting me love you. In my own special, short bus way.

Ten am

Pandora has chosen for my listening pleasure on The E.S Posthumous station Conjure One. I suppose it's fitting. I'd categorize the two together. Yet anytime Conjure One pops up randomly anywhere I think the universe is trying to fuck with me.

I'd only ever categorize one relationship as having a song, and that was, of course Chris' and mine. And our song was Conjure One's "Extraordinary Way." So thanks Pandora for starting off the evening with this song. :p

I went to Johnny's tonight as per my usual Thursday night. Got there late due to other circumstances. Band practice and such. But I was SO HAPPY to see him tonight. I felt my heart was so willing to give tonight. Just, like, full of love like that entry I wrote in May, but not due to the afterglow of ecstasy. I'll explain later. For the first bit he sort of ignored me, fixing his glasses. Dude, he had every right to. So I sat patiently, waiting on him to acknowledge my presence, and soon enough he did. We began drinking wine, and continued our usual routine with one minor change. Sexy change. No details included, but I'm pretty sure he enjoyed it. I did. :)
Meanwhile The Fray played a show in Seattle, which means I had nowhere to park near Johnny's, so in order not to get a ticket I came home. I'm sad about it, but it had to be done I suppose.
I can't blog about this entirely- but I feel some wrongs from my past are trying to correct themselves. I wish I could have told my younger self someday this would happen, and maybe I would've taken some peace in that, but I think I would have continued to self destruct anyway. At least I would have know that someday everything would have been ok. Not sure I would have believed myself. Not sure it's entirely ok now, but for now it seems like things will become better.

As I fall further and further into the trappings of love with this boy, I can not help but wonder if my heart is, in fact, safe here. I wrote a song about him today. It's called "My life" but really its about my life with him in it. I told him of it, in case it gets tossed into the mix of what my band learns. I never thought I'd write songs about having love. I never thought I deserved it, really. But I'm happy to have it, so much, and know I won't ever take it for granted.

That brings me to the band- Josh, our leader, yet bassist, has us ready on the bill of another band before Halloween. I'm excited, but wary. I'm not sure we're quite strong enough yet as we've been together, what, a month?!? Granted this is better than the 6 months I was with the last band with no prospects. Still the songs they wrote even though they wrote them, and the songs I wrote, even though they learned them, sound quite different. It's a really good fit as a band, really! But there is still some blending to be done so we sound like a cohesive project. It'll happen, I'm confident. But yet, we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves. I don't want to look back and be like, 'we shouldn't have done that.' We will discuss this on Saturday I'm sure.

I should go to bed. This is short. Salvation comes at ten am in the form of magic ambien.

Monday, August 3, 2009

T&Q

Why if I seek the comfortable and familiar, when things become comfortable and familiar do I sometimes get bored? There is nothing in my life now that is comfortable and familiar. Not even Johnny yet. This question is not to be applied to J mind you. I'm not bored with him.

I wish sometimes I could tell people what I really think. Not just the nice stuff. But I protect people. I wish the honesty could come spewing out of me, all of it, even the ugly bits. Instead I mostly keep it to myself, as I'm so afraid of hurting people. I always admire people that speak harsh truth. As much as I try to change this aspect of myself, I can't. I simply can't be an asshole. What am I afraid of? Isolating myself? Causing permanent damage?

Most of my relationships are without conflict. Bev and I only ever had one time where we were irritated with each other years ago. I don't even remember over what now. Even my older brother and I had only one fight that I can recall over an Elmo doll I had become attached to at the point. He played keep away with it, with my sister. I was maybe 7. I've only ever been angry enough at 2 people to lash out at them physically. I never have mind you, but it's the only times I've thought about it. My sister, and Wade. I met Wade when I was 20. He was 35. We dated for awhile, but he fell crazy in love with me. He got super possessive and jealous. He was a Taurus as well, and knew exactly which buttons to push and how to get me really worked up. I never hang up on people. But I did on him a couple times. I did with Chris once too, but he deserved it. And I called him back when I calmed down.

I want to compliment people a lot. I always wish people would more with me. I don't exactly need the validation, but sometimes I think people forget about me. Is that weird? Like, hearing the nice things reminds me I am a good person with good things that other people like. I'm not just someone to keep round to be used at the most opportune moment. But then they go away and they forget I exist. I know I exist. I must. Do people just keep me around because I'm a nice girl?

I feel like the "nice" parts of me, make me want to scream sometimes: "I'm a real person inside here! I get angry! I do stupid shit! I am not always this nice!" What would people do if they heard my real thoughts?

I'm in my head splitting even as we speak. I'm really happy to be home alone right now for a moment. But I don't want to go to bed alone. It seems almost horrible tonight. I couldn't sleep next to someone right now either though. I'm screwed either way tonight.

I wish so much I could fall asleep watching tv. Or listening to music. I always sleep best when someone else is in the room with me, awake, doing their thing. They can't sleep til I fall asleep. Why is that? That never fucking happens mind you. But I can clearly remember drifting off in the motor home while waiting for my parents to go down themselves. It seemed safer. Also when the humidifier was running. Those nights were good.

I want to hear the words "I miss you." My name. "I remember you." "Wait for me." "You make me feel alive." "I love you." General statements. Not from anyone in particular. Just someone.

I'm going to lay my inquisitive mind to rest for the evening. I may come up with something better to blog of tomorrow.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Snails and Cheetahs

Sometimes life takes a snail pace, and other times it runs. This week there has been drama and snails, and cheetahs.

I waited for Thursday for what seemed like for-ev-er! Johnny's band played a show Thursday night. I was looking forward to it for over a month. So the early days in the week seemed to drag. I had a lot of emotional shit on Monday and Tuesday mostly due to hormones I think, but because being in pain sucks and dealing with other things it sort of culminated into a two day fuck fest. Trying to talk to Johnny about how he felt on Tuesday night was more or less a complete failure as well.
I really just wanted him to tell me why he liked me. Hear some reasons he wants me in his life. I wasn't a bitch about it or anything. His best answer was "you're a cool broad." Trying to probe him past that he avoided, so I dropped it. Didn't help render what my Dad had said about our relationship as untrue. He has to want to be involved in my life more. We have to find something we can do together to bond over or something.

Anyway Thursday finally rolled around and I went and got my hair and makeup done with Laura, she makes me look cute. Foundation was a little heavy, but we've been having record breaking temps in Seattle here. So it had to be heavy or I would have sweat it all off. Eventually I did, but that was later.
Got to the street where I park near Johnny's and Amber invited to pick me up which was incredibly sweet of her, so we drove to the venue together, and wandered around Fremont for awhile. I have to say Fremont is the place in Seattle I want to live. The shops are walkable, the buildings are great. It's an artsy community too. The older I get, the more into art I get as well.

As we walked by the venue again I saw Johnny standing in front of it. He was facing away from me, and though we were cross the street I knew it was him and my heart skipped a beat. That signaled the beginning of the night, officially for me. Amber and I helped unload the equipment into the venue and as we walked by he said to me "you look good" I smiled. He knows when to say that to make me feel like the effort's been worth it. The money in that case too.

My anxiety level however was rising. For no damn reason. I had to get a drink. I started in on a vodka cran. By the second one I was calm again. By that time Sarah had showed up. Remember Sarah who was dating Alastair that I rolled with on my birthday? Yeah. It was AMAZING to see her. She's always so lovely. She brought her new boyfriend Jay, and we all hung out and chatted. They had met at the Mercury which was my haunt til Johnny and I started dating. I'm not sure it would be his scene anyway, but it would be good to go again soon. Anyway, they drank, we danced, she thanked me for introducing her to his band. She and I talked for a little while outside, then they took off before the second set. I paid for both of them to get in.

Johnny played so well. He looked at me a couple times. He asked specifically after if I had noticed him look at me during the Toadies cover. I had. Made my heart skip a beat again. He's going to give me a heart attack. He'll kill me. Heh. He wore eyeliner that night. Ideal way to get me going too. When we hooked up again outside after the set, we shared a ciggy and talked for a bit. I held his hand trying hard not to just make out with him there. We went back in to listen to the second band and I sat next to him. Just happy. And drunk. Very drunk after I finished my long island.
The last two bands played and I wasn't a fan of the second one, but the last one was kind of catchy sometimes. I wasn't paying a whole hell of a lot of attention. We decided to get out of there and take the equipment back to the rehearsal space.

From the rehearsal space we headed to another bar. Kept drinking. Luckily I know my limits when I am pacing the drinks and I was that night believe it or not, so on the last one I knew I was done. Right about the time I realized that, simultaneously Amber decided to go the bathroom. So I decided to kiss Johnny. But she came back and saw it, which sent her over the edge. She stormed out of the bar, and I chased after her. I know the situation has been hard on her, and I guess that was a breaking point. I talked to her and calmed her down enough to come back, and pretty soon after it was time to go. We stopped at McDonald's for food and went back to Johnny's. The 3 of us sat around eating til Johnny got sick. Amber left soon after and we went to bed shortly after that.

The next day huge drama went down between Amber and I when she decided she wanted me out of her life. I've promised her I won't go into details but needless to say it really fucking hurt as she accused me of things I hadn't done. We talked through it and everything is cool now. But I spent most of yesterday consumed by that. Part of it crying.
It made some of my abandonment issues rear their ugly head. Everybody I consider close at some point lets go of me. Leaves. Mostly I've been taught that in love, but it's everyone. Annica moved, Bevin moved, Wayne moved, Nate won't even return emails now and I don't know why. All of the people that I love most leave me at some point. I'm really quite hurt about the whole Nate situation. I know he got a girlfriend but I've been in his life through a baby, a psycho, an ex wife, and all sorts of shit with him. Hell, I met him in the middle of his own addiction. I've been nothing but a good friend to him. But that aside, I hope he comes back. I really hope he comes back.

So Thursday to now has been a bit of a cheetah time.

Today I'm kicking back, in relatively good spirits. I'm watching the Martin Brashir documentary. I've only seen it once before. I'm a total goob for docus. I'm going to Johnny's at 8. It's 6 now. I'm spent writing. I'm also broke. I spent nearly all my money on Thursday. Send me good lottery vibes hehehe. Just kidding.

Hope everything in your world is going somewhere between snail and cheetah pace.