Saturday, January 31, 2009

Nice guys don't always finish last. I feel bad because on more than one occasion I've dated assholes. The kind that lie, cheat and steal. In my defense some happen to put up a really good facade until you're hooked on them, and then they turn into the real man they are. Not good bro. But here's the problem with nice guys: They have something wrong with them generally speaking. My friend Jarett is the quintessential nice guy. I know he wants some sort of commitment from me but I have no chemistry with him. It's like that with most of the girls he knows I'm sure. He is a video game tester, he just recently became social with a couple friends in the time I've known him, his hobbies are things he does by himself. His sense of humor isn't my style and I don't give a damn about anime. We have some things in common. But that's about where it ends.
I've met some exceptions to the rule: Wayne is an incredibly nice guy. He has an amazing sense of humor and is incredibly sweet. I absolutely loved driving out to Logan to hang out with him. Whenever I got to spend a summer weekend with him it was like being on vacation. I fell in love with him very quickly. Which means of course, that it had to end quickly because he would not love me. That was a huge heartbreak but one I managed to work through without devestating results. We still get together and I still consider us close. I love him still, but I realized about three trips ago I was no longer in love with him. There was nothing wrong with him but his inability to feel for me.
(What I mean when I say something wrong I suppose are things that most women simply don't find attractive. Physically or their hobbies or something.)
Another one is someone that may actually read this so I won't go into it too much. Needless to say if I'd had that chance at the right time I would've cherished him. Now I must be content reading his blogs and rooting for the girls he dates now.
I don't want to be misconstrued. I can def be monogamous. When we agree to the terms of being in a relationship then dating stops. But until then... I have my fun. Currently I'm hanging out with about 6 guys you could consider dating, only sleeping with one, and only want a relationship with one. But when I spend time with other people he says we "start over." I don't get that and it makes me want to be like fine. So that means I could spend time with someone else who would appreciate the time I'm giving them, and the fact I'm not always around so you have time to yourself. I thought that was what guys needed? What do I know. Simon I suppose gives me the dysfunction my psyche craves and my logic wishes I could give up. He's not an asshole, but I don't know what to make of him just yet.

Being hungover sucks dude.

THEY PLAYED CONJURE ONE AT THE MERCURY LAST NIGHT! I talked to Jeremy the dj for awhile and asked if he'd play some Covenant. Yes, I'm a gluton for punishment, but at that point I was too drunk dancing and having a good time to feel the pain, so I just enjoyed it. He had an amazing set list last night.

That's all for now. I need to rest my head and eat some soup or something.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Friday night light

Friday night means The Mercury. I'm starving, and all I can eat is salad. Boo.

I don't have much to say today really. Frank came over earlier and messed around with fruity loops for about an hour.
I'm getting in touch with all my merc friends. Planning on heading underground tonight. I like being in the dark...

No more wedding movies. They just make me wish for something I don't have.

I need a shower.

I miss Simon. I miss Bevin. I miss Ian. I miss Adam. Damn. I miss tons of people...


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The reality of it is

Back from California. Sore, tired, but wiser.

I did not get to see my Johnny but all is well. I realize I'm just another girl, and he has a life and leaves on tour in a week. That would be a lot to prepare for. I understand and give him loads of respect. He's such a sweetheart, and total deviant. I would have it no other way.

Back to the diet again. I went for sushi last night and apparently I'm going again tonight. Two completely different boys, two completely different agendas. Simon made a big thing after the project was done about how he was confused and that I was a great girl and he didn't want me out of his life. Why do I hear that all the time? They let me go and decide wait a minute, life is less exciting without her. I didn't know how much I liked her. Then I have to decide whether to let them back in. Let's face it, I always do. He still says he doesn't trust me though. Whatever dude. I know what I'm looking for. But the flip side is because of his putting me out now I don't trust him and I'm not looking to get burned. So tonight I'm going to meet up with Frank. He's called me the last two days and lingered on the phone with me. It's odd, because usually I'm the one to start the connection and he's changed his M.O. I don't know if that means he's changed how he feels about me. Oh, and he sent me a message on Myspace. That's three times in two days. We usually only talk once a week if that. Hmm.
Gary wants to get together this week. As does Riff and Justin. And Adam. But Friday night is girl and Kate time.

Disneyland was sort of a torn trip. I really wanted to get away for the evenings and dash towards L.A. Check out the places I've read about in all my rock and roll books. Spend time with the other musicians and freaks I feel akin to. But alas my Mother and I battled over it of course. I lost. I always lose. You can't win with someone with narcissistic personality disorder. (Just like you can't win if you have BPD. Double whammy.)
I rode Pirates about a thousand times. (Roughly six times a day. I loves me some boat rides. And Pirates.) And found that roller coasters are rad. Best rush I've had since I quit coke. (E isn't a rush per say so it doesn't count.) I bought some new clothes. One shirt that says "when all else fails MUTINY" A new Nightmare sweatshirt, and shorts. I was incredibly sick on Saturday night though. I pushed my body waaaaay too hard. I'm still not feeling completely better.
Today I've been working on music and research spurned by a book I've been reading about, what else, serial killers. It talks about brain chemistry as to a reason. Hypothalamus damage was discussed.
I have to say something horrible, but so much of it made me want to talk to Chris again. Not to be romantic, not to connect to him again but more as a case study. He's told me things he's never told anyone. I'm sure. I think he felt he could trust me with certain things because he knew I wouldn't judge, no matter how bad it was. I'd still love him. He was right. I'll never tell anyone what he told me. But I REALLY want to talk to him about some of my theories because he's the only one I know personally who would be willing to discuss it. He's the only one who would understand truly what it's like to be him.

Anyway I made Simon dl the Levi Weaver cd. We actually talked for quite awhile yesterday. I can't wait to go to the merc on Friday.

I'm always surprised at how high and low my lonliness is. Some days I rue the world because I think nobody would even give a shit if I offed myself or was killed. Because nobody feels close. Then other days, like today, I find my whole week booked up with people who want to hang out. And I feel strangely cool. But unworthy. I can't figure myself out on that one, but I disgust me. Nate Padley sent me an email today saying he wished I were still in Utah and that if I were he would like to "be my man." I thought that was sweet. I was a fan of his music long before he knew I existed. But that goes back to my Mason days.
The liason we had even when Chris and I were together was simply about two weeks we were very close. Doing drugs, writing insane music even by his standards, talking late into the a.m in riddles and dreams. Those two weeks Chris was with Anna most of the time and even though I felt spiteful and many times gazing into Nate's eyes I thought fuck it. Chris will never know. I can make myself happy now, even then nothing happened. Then Nate got involved in a messed up triangle with a pregnancy and suddenly we stopped speaking. Then we picked up about three months ago where we left off, like we'd never stopped speaking. Right liason, wrong time.
Same problem even now.

I have to go clean up now. Crazy Bitch is today's anthem.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

My Levi Weaver review for the mag

I believe it was July of last year I went into my Myspace friend request and began to finally sift through and listen to all the band requests people had sent me for months. Amidst the mass requests of terrible garage sounds, and Djs that wish they could- there was one man, and one voice that stood out. That man was Levi Weaver.

I immediately approved his friend request and began listening to the songs he had posted online. I was blown away for many reasons. The first thing being his lyrical capabilities. He was more thoughtful and clever than any lyricist I had heard in quite some time. The second was his voice. That voice was unique and tender in parts, almost a whisper. In others reaching the height of emotion with a pitch perfect yell. The third reason I was blown away was frankly because I liked his music. He's more Folk Americana acoustic music than anything and sincerely, that's not my bag. My Mother raised me on bands like Peter Paul and Mary, and even had some Johny Cash tossed in for good measure. He seemed more like my Mom's kind of music from a reasonable stand point. But I found myself wandering over to CD Baby and buying his first full length album "You Are Never Close To Home (You Are Never Far From Home.)" That my friends, is where the trouble begins.

After waiting two months anxiously for my cd to arrive I realized something had gone wrong, and I wasn't waiting any longer to receive this gem. I contacted CD Baby and they said the cd had been returned and they would send it out again as soon as possible.
Unfortunately I had a show I needed to play in Salt Lake City in a day and a long car ride there from Seattle. I had hoped I'd have the album to listen to and learn while I was traveling. I decided to contact Levi directly about this problem. Levi immediately sent me a copy via email so I would have it on my trip, no questions asked. I point this out because it's rare you find such an artist who cares so much about his fans.

The album is fantastic and made the bus ride almost pleasant. The first song that caught my attention was "Family Fued." An upbeat rock story song that leaves you wondering what happens to dear Levi til the very last note. (I've caught many a friend toe tapping to this one!) From there we move onto "You Are Home" a beautiful minor ballad crying the lines
"Oh you are home
And No Matter Where I go You're in my bones
And no matter where I sleep
I never rest outside the place I keep my soul"
A topic anyone in love can relate to.
Another topic is infidelity which is a source of inspiration for the song "Which Drink" in which Levi drowns his trouble in liquor after a lover's indiscretion. The screaming guitars only accent Levi's pain which renders this listener very sympathetic.
Levi is a master of melody that shines through in the songs "Of Bridges Burned" and "Would We Lairs Be."

The album is a collection of unique voice, idea, and sound for this day and age and I highly recommend it.
Levi Weaver finished touring as the opening act for Imogen Heap and since has been touring on his own and is gearing up for an over seas stint. You can find him directly at and his songs and albums are available through cd baby, itunes, and his direct site

Season Of Poision (My first review!)

Trying to get good music out to the masses isn't always an easy task.
When I was asked to assist on a DJ show incorporating electronic, dark wave, and EMB music I was excited by the challenge. The problem was the show was set in Salt Lake City, Utah. You see kids, Salt Lake City is a place where really good music goes to die. The Djs set aside the experimental rock and indie music for bands that are safe; the hit making machines we all know and love.
This task would required hard work and research: make the show a success with stuff the kids would like, while incorporating new sounds we could expand to include new patrons. When I got on my hands on the cover of "Stripped" by the Shiny Toy Guns I knew I had something.
Originally a Depeche Mode favorite, the Guns had a new twist that was dark, electronic and sexual.
The Shiny Toy Guns would go on to release "We Are Pilots" to excellent fan reviews with one consistency: They couldn't catalog their music as any one particular genre. They were rock, but with electronic overtones. Their lyrics were playful but the mood of the music itself was dark in places. They were indie to be sure, but trying to tell you exactly what STG's sound is would be cheating them of other genres they could potentially be part of.
Thus is the case with their latest release "Season of Poison."
Their first single "Ricochet!" begins a little reminiscent of Britney Spears' "Womanizer" and then rips it all to shred with Chad Petree's vocals crying out
"She ricochets!
And you don't notice.
She's in your head!
And you just don't notice."
Another noticeable track is "Money For That" which is a safe bet for rock radio play, and "Season Of Love" is a masterful turn to a more mellow sound for the Shiny Toy Guns.
The rest of the album seems to be a bit lacking in the harder overtones I'm used to hearing from the Guns however. (Perhaps it's because they made the switch from vocalist Carah Faye Charnow whose vocals are very distinct and incorporated Pussycat Doll wannabe Sisely Treasure while decent, is no Carah.)
"Ghost Town" is their second single which for all intensive purposes reminds me of their first single with any commercial success "Le Disco."
Overall 'Season of Poison' is a great album to toss on no matter your mood, but if you're just discovering STG I suggest you get 'We Are Pilots' first.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Day of Marked Interest

Last night I responded to an ad for LP Voice Magazine, an online rock publication seeking writers for their staff. I inquired hopeful, but not necessarily expecting much. When I received an email back today I was surprised at the speedy response and emailed back and forth with Jeremy, one of the lead editors all day at which point he gave me a sample test article to do. I had to research an indie band with a new album coming out.
I'll admit indie rock isn't my strong point, so after much research I decided on the Shiny Toy Guns. I enjoy their music and I hadn't heard the new album so I gave it a whirl. Dug it, but not as much as their previous album. I wrote that article for three hours. Finally I felt happy with it and sent it off. I'm waiting to hear back on what they thought. I'll keep at this until I get it right though. If I didn't slam dunk with STG's I'll go with my strong indie bands doing their thing. One's I can get closer to. I'm pretty sure Levi can hook me up with Imogen Heap. That would be a great interview to have. I totally and fully want to do something on Levi too, which brings me to the last hour of my time.

I've been searching and searching for "You Are Never Far From Home (You Are Never Close To Home) for a month now. Where the fuck did I put my Levi Weaver cd? In the midst of searching some other albums reappeared. Adore by the Pumpkins (which happens to be a fav) my Christina Aguilera Spanish album and The Fray all came back. But no Levi. Fuck dude, that's a brand new cd. Somewhere he's taunting me, I can hear him. But, some days it's a miracle I can find anything in my room.

Started working on a great new song. I'm very excited. I can tell in my heart when I'm writing a "hit" and this is a hit. Maybe maybe called 'The Person I Am' the lyrics are about self destruction. Something of which I tend to be fluent in.

For as long as I've adored Stabbing Westward and looked up to Chris Hall for his lyrical talents I never in a million years thought we would be conversating. I of course respect him, his time, his space and all that, and besides I'm chasing after Johnny as everyone knows lol. But it's oddly fun to be able to have a friendship with someone people would kill to have a relationship with. Same went with Jon but in a different sort of way. Jon sort of has L.S.D (Lead singer disease) where everything is about him, and you're there because he allows you to be sort of metality I think. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but it's rare we talk about something going on in my life and the first time he truly talked to me first, I mean opened up to me, was Christmas this year. I think he must have been very lonely. Well, it was a banner year. A lot of shit changed.

Random thought: How is it I know where my Vera Mesmer cd is and NOT Levi Weaver? This is exactly why I take xanex. Shut up brain.

I started plan revamp Kate two three days ago. I've been eating healthy and rollerbladed everyday. I'm working up a sweat and eating less calories. I'm trying really hard not to go back to the cocaine diet. That was one of the only pulls it had on me for so long, Thus the reason I could put it away and Chris couldn't. I wonder if he still does it.

Simon is supposed to come over at 6 tomorrow. He says he wants to be friends. If he thinks I have too many friends to have a boyfriend, why would he think he could be added to that? As just a friend? I wonder. It doesn't matter. I hope he'll help me with fruity loops and go. I'm not gettting tied and tangled up again in some emotional fuckery. If I wanted that I could go back to Utah. Any one that starts to play a significant role vacates sooner or later.
If Frank were around I'd go visit him. His grandmother died so he's in California. Funny he comes back here the day I leave. We're just missing paths. He can stick around as long as we either stay apart long enough I don't get feelings (I swear it's like catching a disease) or ends up letting me get carried away and we end up together for what, 6 months? Then I pull the old routine where I start doing shit to make him dump me. Or he dumps me earlier for some bs reason that blindsides me anyway and sends me into a tailspin BPD episode. I'm oh so predictable in my bad behavior. No one gets close enough to see that though.
And I certainly try hard to be sympthetic, understanding, and friendly for as long as I can be. Well, I always am. But it takes just one mis step for the walls to come crumbling down and I have a night I'm lucky to live through by some accounts. That hasn't happened in at least nine months though. I kept it together when Simon pulled that card. You'd be amazed at the progress if anyone actually could see it. If anyone knew the whole me. Why does it take love to trigger such emotions? Without love their would be no consuming dissapointment and I'd be normal like everyone else. I could live and breathe and... I don't need anyone to give a damn. I just need the songs to be good.

Ramble ramble ramble...

ok, so I'm way fucking tired and I have shit to do tomorrow. My roll buddy Corbett is onto my plan to seduce Johnny. I think he's jealous. Hey, if he learns how to play an instrument he's already improved his chances 50%

What is it about musicians and eyeliners?

Monday, January 19, 2009

The premonition... and Simon exits stage left


To begin tonight is to tell you I have premonitions oh anonymous blog. Here is where the real writings lie, so my trendy myspace people will think I'm crazy or a drama queen or anything really. I write the surface there. Here I swore I would be more in depth so I would no longer lie to myself about feelings, experiences, or fake my way into having someone stick around through the drama. Very few people know about the premonitions, my time left, and assorted other things I think the normal person would be freaked out by. I need a cd to write to to explain this.

Moby. Hotel. Disc two. Track titled "Live Forever." A track I use to either meditate, or to calm myself down from a premonition I've had. This week I've had one premonition and one out of body experience The out of body experience was today.

Sometimes, especially really recently, I've had these strange headaches where it feels like a bolt of super charged energy shoots through my head and then down to my feel. It's incredibly painful. While that happens I feel like I'm about to seize or go unconscious. Sometimes it feels like I'm falling. It only lasts for a few seconds at a time, but currently it happens every few minutes or so. It's been going on the last three days. Before that it had only happened a handful of times total before. It got so bad today I fell to the ground and couldn't get up again. I wasn't scared. But I certainly wasn't prepared. After a few minutes I managed to get up and crawled into bed. After a few moments I fell asleep.

That's when my soul decided to go exploring. I felt myself rise from my body and wander around the apartment here. I knew I was not actually part of my body any longer. I was... a ghost of sorts...
I first wandered to the kitchen where I wanted water then decided against it. And began to float to the living room, where my music is created and I write my blogs and stories. At that point my body became aware we were separated and I tried physically to reconnect but couldn't. I tried to make noise. But two parts of me wanted seperate things. At the time it was frustrating but not disturbing. Looking back on it now it is very much disturbing. Anyway, it's only happened once before to me. That was over a year ago. I only remember the sensation of having my soul return to my body. I shook so hard it woke me up and I felt the whoosh on my face and hair as I re-entered. Today I remember what happened. And when I reconnected. But I'm pretty sure the soul part of me didn't want to come back. This doesn't matter really in the long run, but I need to recall how this feels and what happened. It feels related to these headaches.

When I researched what could be going on the internet said something along the lines of something going wrong with the blood vessels in my brain. Meh. My white count was low two blood tests ago so, maybe the problem with everything is blood. I tend in my heart to believe something is running amok in my nervous system, and that cancer killed chunks of my immune system, or at the very least made it much less effective. But this has not been confirmed. Back to the premonitions...

When Adam died, three days prior I had a feeling. I'd felt it before and I knew what I meant but it's impossible to describe. I turned to Chris that night as we were watching tv and I said to him "I think someone I know's time is going to be up very soon." He asked me who, and I said I didn't know. I didn't sleep that night. 2 days later Charlie and Jae said they felt something wrong and asked if Chris and I were ok. We were fine. The next day I found out about Adam and my world was shreded again. Adam and I had grown very close on the nights Chris was out dilly dallying with, who was it at that time... Diana I think? Anyway, nothing became of it because I respected what I had with Chris and wanted it to last, but Adam was very much there for me when I needed him. Losing him was a big blow. Then a week later Chris "couldn't put up with me any longer" and three weeks later I was here. I kept hoping in that time he'd come around and try and make a gesture to get me to stay but he never did. I wouldn't have stayed anyway because I'd known for sometime he and Jae were having an inappropriate relationship. I don't dislike Jae. But I wish she had granted me more respect in that time. Some for Charlie as well. If Chris was a better liar I would have been no wiser, and if he was smarter about having an affair, (Hell many affairs. Where was my self respect when I needed it?) well, I may still be trapped in a marriage that was more like a game than a relationship.

My premonition this week was of a hospital. With tile. A window. Somone... They never tell me who...

Simon and I made plans today. He still has been super busy with work but promised we'd go to Tulalip tonight to celebrate his finished product at 7. I had forgotten I'd made plans with Jarett to go over soulism and do his astrological chart so I asked Simon to switch the plans to 7:30. He asked if I'd be hungry and I had just eaten so I said no. This point he said I'd better just go ahead and make other plans. I asked him why and he said he had asked a coworker to dinner since I wasn't hungry. He said he wouldn't see me. I asked what was going on because he had blown or put me off for a couple days now. He said at that point he couldn't trust me because I was too "social" and wished me well. I felt slapped in the face again and a little broken hearted. I had finally just started giving a piece of myself away again. Just barely started feeling ready and then the book closed. I was only social when he had other shit to do. I suppose yet again this matters not in the end as well.

I'm a lesbian now. (Yeah right.) I'm going to California on Friday to hopefully have some really awesome sex with a rediculously hot rock star (not revealing who on this page because it is public) and get that out of my system so I can come back and ignore the male gender for awhile. Except for said rock star. He can propose anytime he likes.
"We are we are the saints
One day you will confess
And pray to the saints
Of Los Angeles..."

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Reflections on Happiness

My happiest times have been filled with someone I loved, at the time. Whether it was my best friend Bev, my amazing friend Ian, my ex Fiance Chris, or a group of close friends rolling, or even just a good night at a bar with the regulars where I felt I belonged at the time.

I've begun falling for someone again. More slowly this time granted. No getting caught up in love at first sight and getting the impression COMPLETELY wrong based on his inconsistencies. But this time because it is a matter of he LIKES making me happy. He answers my calls. We're happy kicking back on an afternoon and doing absolutely nothing but he enjoys the recreational partying as I do, and he makes really good money which means he spoils me. I have NEVER had that before. The nights out we've had have been decadent and loads of fun. He treats me with respect and lets me know I'm important. I have no reason not to trust him which makes me so much more laid back. He lets me to go to Seattle to hang out with friends by myself and I know it's not because he doesn't care about what I do because he's not really invested in me, but because he trusts me and wants me to have fun. Which makes me want to invite him and not worry about the game of trying to get his attention or making him jealous. It makes me happy.

Since I moved to back to Seattle I have dated many men. Names don't matter. But it's never been serious. I wasn't ready. It's hard to look back on how many there were, but I made a vow of celibacy when I moved here and to only give myself that way when I really felt ready. When I thought it may really be going somewhere. So really, they were only dates.
There has only been one real exception to that with Frank. Frank planned an absolutely perfect date the first night we got to know each other. We went to a darkly lit romantic Italian restaurant and talked for hours about, well, everything. He is also a karaoke host and musician. He's very smart and adorable. Charming. I could tell he wasn't ready for a relationship pretty much straight away, but because he appealed to my intellectual side and treated me more like a person than a conquest. When we began talking religion, belief structure and spirituality we decided to go see the movie religulous. It was an incredible evening all around.
The next time I went to his karaoke show I drank a bit and it had been quite awhile since I'd had any physical intimacy and when he invited me back to his place at 2am I accepted. That night was the first kiss. He was a really good kisser. I'm not a fan of kissing. If there is no spark after a kiss, then, well, you're pretty much not going to get anything more from me. But it was great. We tossed on a movie which honestly didn't last for long lol. I gave in to his seduction because simply he did it right. He treated me like a lover. We got together on other nights after his shows for an occasional romp until I realized I needed to detach. Frank was never going to be my boyfriend and my heart couldn't take any more damage than it had taken. So I stopped going to his shows as often and now when we hang out I always keep my heart in check. I only see him once every two weeks or so now.

With Simon, my new thing, it seems like there really may be potential. I don't care about how much he makes, how often he works, or that sometimes shit comes up. It's legit and I accept it and make other plans. He doesn't string me on all night long wondering wheather he's going to show up, so I stay home and drive myself insane waiting for a call or text. I get it at the right time, he says if he's coming and we have a blast, or I go out to hang with other friends. Easy. No drama. He constantly gives smokes and money to the homeless, he helps anyone who needs it, and he is kind to complete strangers. His music tastes are varied which actually leads me to the weird way we met...

This summer I dated Jon Crosby of VAST. It lasted about 2 months, so not too long, but we became close for a time. He introduced me to new ways of thinking, amazing new restaurants, and told me about places I've never been. What it's like to write like he does, and how he deals with his own demons related to his weight and drinking. Even though it ended sort of oddly I have the utmost respect for him and still talk to him once or twice a week. He's invited me to his place and studio in Austin in Feburary and I think I'll go. I've never been to Texas, and it could be an eyeopening and amazing experience. I'll be traveling to three of his shows I think when VAST goes on tour this spring. I am guessing since he just got out of an abusive relationship he needs someone to sort of piece him together a bit with female kindness. I am glad he'd chose me to be there for him. I really want to remain friends.

We still email on Myspace on occasion and one day I was reading his comments. Someone named "simon" have left him a comment saying 'you should come to everett.' I wasn't sure if he meant everett wa, so I went to his page just to check it out. He was from here. I sent him an email saying 'I see you're a vast fan and in Everett. Me too. Like to email sometime?' He sent me one back and from there we began talking everyday. We spoke for about three weeks until I finally felt comfortable enough to meet him. At that point I told him Jon was a personal friend. Which lead to us talking about Jon for most the night lol. VAST is Simon's fav band, and has always hoped to meet Jon one day. I've never talked so much about an ex whatever (date?) with any other guy so early on, but soon he was making laugh. I haven't laughed so hard in a very long time. I was happy.

The rain here makes me happy. Teriyaki makes me happy. The first time I got my hair cut the way it is now I was very happy. Driving around downtown makes me happy. Finding new bands to fall in love with makes me happy. Dancing, smoking cloves, and enjoying the sounds of a darkly lit place make me happy. Halloween this year absolutely fucking ruled. I saw one of my idols live and he played the best set of my life. The one and God like Moby. After that I very much enjoyed the company of my new fav roll partner Puddle for three days. New episodes of House make me happy, my dogs made me very happy. Trips to Portland make me happy. Spring will return and that will make me happy. Any time sushi is eaten it's happiness in my mouth.
But my friends, even though they tend to change relatively regularly make me happy. And I've found a new friend that I hope will last, because he makes me happy too...

Friday, January 16, 2009

Friday January 16th. First Blog.

Today will prove to be a very interesting day. Today I meet my lawyer Demetri for the first time. The man that can ultimately help determine my future from here.

October 23 2008 I was arrested for a D.U.I.
The circumstances are shitty and I really hope with the reasonable and logical arguments I have researched and are valid that I can get the case reduced, if not dismissed. This has been a source of anxiety and troubled waters for me since it happened. I am reckless. I am impulsive. I chase a good time with the vigor I should be chasing other things. But that was not what happened that night. That night was wrong person, wrong time, wrong medication. Sigh.

In direct result of this event I have been prescribed xanex again. Xanex and I have been dancing a sort of tango for sometime now. A Godsend for my relentless insomnia and pain when it was first prescribed. I enjoyed the sedation of the constant aches in my muscles and my mind no longer driving in the fast lane. But soon I needed the sedation and thus I began to feel the pain of addiction. Not good bro. Your body shakes and feel you're running a fever constantly. Your head throbs for four days straight, and you can't focus on anything. Ultimately it makes you useless for a time.

Let me explain. In September of 2008 I took a trip back to Salt Lake City to visit my Mother. One night after hanging out with my friends and having a decent night, I realized I didn't want to be alone again. Nights are impossible for me. Quiet. Isolated. Exhausted. Alone. I was still pretty happy from the one drink I had earlier and decided to take a rather large full bottle of vodka back to my house to hopefully hold onto my buzz for longer.
I was battling a demon then, especially that night. The demon still haunts me. It's called dead love. The kind that kills. The kind I felt for one man that I thought was everything. I planned my life around his. I gave my time, patience, understanding and ultimately on more than one occasion, my blood for. And he in return gave me empty promises, lies, and an unwanted pregnancy.

I terminated that pregnancy with devastating results. After complications from it, I lay in my apartment bleeding to death for nearly a day knowing as I grew weaker that I wasn't going to recover, if live at all. The next day my Mother drove me to the clinic. In incredible pain and only half conscious at this point they performed emergency surgery that was more painful than ANYTHING I have EVER experienced. My screams I'm sure could be heard through the building. The Demerol and Loritabs did nothing. Thirty minutes later, groggy, and finally able to sit up by myself the doctor came to me and told me I was a very lucky girl. That I was very close to bleeding to death. December 27th 2007 was the first time I had a close shave with death. My love never returned my calls, or checked to see how I was doing after killing something we created. I should have really gotten it through my head at that point but I digress...

With a bottle of vodka, a couple of new cds and a notebook to write lyrics in I drank for a little while. Then I became tired and took 2 xanex (as prescribed) and settled to bed. Except I couldn't feel the xanex so I took one more figuring I wouldn't drink and take xanex again if it made the meds not work. The last thing I remember was writing in my notebook- lyrics I had started earlier tentatively titled "this is the end" about the breakup I was still dealing with, and the resulting trauma.
I blacked out. From what I understand I began to take more xanex (probably thinking it wasn't working.) Until 32 pills were in my system. There was one left in the bottle. The entire bottle of vodka was GONE. I managed to walk upstairs at some point in the early afternoon when my Mother immediately knew something was wrong. We fought and she won out about taking me to the hospital. (This has all been told to me. I have no recollection.) When we arrived I fought with the nurses and finally after getting me down, I closed my eyes and checked out. They had been monitoring my declining blood pressure and then... my heart just stopped... I gotta say, if I were to die again I'd choose not to remember it. That part didn't suck. But everything else about waking up after did.
They had to entirely reboot my system, and dude, let me tell you when your body thinks it has no use- every muscle stiffens and you are in PAIN. Not to mention when you awaken in the ICU when you don't remember anything about why you are there it's just a little disconcerting. I managed to have a good attitude with a really compassionate nurse and staff the rest of the day.

One of my firsts thoughts turned to my love. Even though we had been broken up for some time I wondered if he knew I was in town. Suddenly the emotions of the experience hit me. I hadn't said goodbye. To anyone. I panicked. I wanted to hear his voice, the thing that had soothed me for nearly three years and driven me to the brink of insanity and back. I called him, but not to my surprise he didn't answer. I left him a message stating that I was in the ICU in SLC and I hoped he would come see me because I had something I urgently needed to say. I called 4 more times that day. I texted. No response. I had died, and he couldn't be bothered to care. That was a definite breaking point for me. All I wanted to say was "I forgive you, and I want your happiness. Truly" The shit didn't matter in that moment. I just wanted to say something definite.
Instead I settled into the reality that even after nearly three years together and EVERYTHING we had been through (believe me there was a LOT) he never really cared. We wouldn't speak again for months.

This is a picture of JUST the way my arm looked after getting out of the hospital...

-The bruise in the middle was where they had entered multiple I.vs. As is the red mark closer to my wrist. My wrist was bruised from God knows what and the crook of my arm was worse, but I couldn't capture it in this picture. The other arm was just as bad, and my skin is noticeably gray. Not my usual pale self. My chest had an impression as well.-

This is a very long and round about blog, but in a way even the stupidest little decisions you make with the best of intentions often end up in ways you never expected. I live to tell these things. I will continue to try and shine some truth on my life without the guise I often wear.
This is just entry one.

And my next will be about my odd reflections as they toted my ass to jail possibly.