Well friends, I'm at the end of "More Than I've Said Before." It's been one crazy year and one day in my life, in this blog.
I've considered just deleting the whole thing so as not to incriminate myself any further, for anyone who finds it in the future, but that would be a whole year's worth of thoughts, life, love, experience, time, and work down the drain for nothing so I'm keeping it here. Just to rest, and for me to look back on.
The year has been filled with all sorts of things. Some interesting, some not. When times got dry I tried to write about my past. I tried to move on in self discovery. I tried not to harm.
I am afraid on occasion I did harm, and for those times and for those people I feel truly badly.
I wrote new music, switched bands, bought a new bed, tried a new drug, got a new boyfriend, lost weight, then of course gained it back. (Always with me) Made new friends, had one diagnosed with AIDS, got into more fights than usual but felt more content too. I played VAST more than any band this last year. I saw one of my idols live, and met a man I'd corresponded with for over a year and respected at of all things, a Christian concert.
I saw one of my dreams fulfilled in having a recording with a full band of a song I'd written. I have managed to not self harm in a year. I painted too.
I managed to die once, and was taught yet again how fragile life is. I was diagnosed with a new illness myself. I had another amazing Halloween (though not quite as good as the last) and experienced another trauma, one I haven't spoken of.
I forgave my ex finally even if I am still mad at him, and really looking back on this paragraph I suppose I did more than I thought I would. I wonder if I did more than others? Less than?
I have made my new blog, written my first entry and I'm really actually sad this one is ending. I feel it's all for good reason, but I am sad to see this one ending. I worked hard on it.
"So here's to the night's we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gunna come too soon..." - Eve 6
Email me. Stay sane. Send love. Be better than they think you are. :)
Blog on.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Ks
My hands, my clothes, my senses...
Everything is drenched in him right now. I close my eyes and I can still feel him as I nuzzle against his neck, his scent intoxicating my every breath.
I've set up my next blog but I'm too... whatever to write in there and continue this.
J is my love and I am seduced entirely by him, body, soul, and everything between...
KS
Everything is drenched in him right now. I close my eyes and I can still feel him as I nuzzle against his neck, his scent intoxicating my every breath.
I've set up my next blog but I'm too... whatever to write in there and continue this.
J is my love and I am seduced entirely by him, body, soul, and everything between...
KS
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Frank; Lungs; Showbox
Haven't written in a few days because both of my puters crapped out at the same time. I'm writing from my laptop but it is FUCKING SLOW. I'm sick of it. I need a new one.
Made it home from Utah in tact, but I'm afraid there was more to this trip than I realized.
Frank was calling me six times a day at least while I was gone. He became jealous, possessive, and suspicious while I was gone, all under the guise that he wanted to make sure I was doing the right things because he wants what is best for me. He had a total cow when he found out I'd seen Chris. I began to confirm what I knew was coming, and when I came back he told me he loved me and he thought we should be together. We fought everyday I was gone. I just want to be free to live how I see fit! I didn't know exactly this would happen or when, but since then I've been trying to find the right words to say, and figure the situation out. I guess they came to me this morning, and cried to him on the phone saying I loved him and always had, but we couldn't be together and he should take some time to grieve and move on. He agreed. It was hard and heavy dude. I guess you can't spend that much time together without someone falling for someone. This is the second time I've had to do this while being with Johnny. If you become a threat to my relationship I have to.
I am sad to say I never knew Frank had that side in him. The controlling kind of guy, who would read my texts behind my back, and scold me for every little thing. I used to be able to tell him everything. He said I could never make a good girlfriend because I want to still live like I'm single. I thought that was unfair. I don't pick up on guys in bars, or get flirty. My time with J is precious and the only reason I'm not there more is because of his schedule. Just because I want to hang out with Summer or Sarah by myself on occasion, or that I go to bars alone when J can't be with me... Yes, I see my ex boyfriends on rare occasions. I saw Ali last in October, and Chris for the first time in a year while I was in Utah. He's a million miles away and obviously no threat. (To J and I, I mean) He even had a problem with the night I hung out with my best gay duo, and the night I saw Wayne. It was rediculous. Wayne has been, and will be one of my best friends for life. I adore the fucker. Anyway, I don't do very well when someone starts telling me what to do, and I think it came from insecurity.
He also said I was getting pudgy again. Today I have eaten a pear. That's it. I'll make some broccoli in a sec, but I can't believe he would say something like that. Now I'm insecure about myself. AGAIN. I gained 7 lbs being in Utah over the holidays, and God knows I wish I could start running again now, but...
I had my second major asthma attack of my life 3 days ago. I was at Johnny's, and I left my inhaler home. By the time I got home again (after the 30 minute drive) I was barely breathing and light headed. I had my mom on the phone in case something happened, but I couldn't talk. She finally managed to guess what was going on by the weird breathing on the other end. Even when I finally sucked in the rescue inhaler it was only a temporary fix. The next day I was still feeling short of breath and in pain, so I called the doctor.
I had to see someone new because of the emergency circumstances. They gave me some sort of breath test to see how my lungs were, which I failed miserably. My lungs crackled inside as I coughed and wheezed my way through the visit. The doctor said my lungs had been severly compromised by the major attack and I need to get them back to "base." She also said that it looked as if my immune system (which should have helped) was failing more quickly than anticipated. She said I wasn't to be around any cats for 2 weeks, or do anything to hurt myself further. They stuck me on a huge new regiment of pills, and now I'm wondering just how much more my body can take.
I hate to admit I still have smoked 2 cigs since the attack. (Maybe more)
I did go to Johnny's yesterday to make a steak dinner with him to celebrate his huge news:
He's got a show coming up on Friday at the Showbox. Johnny's really making it. The Showbox is a huge deal for a Seattle bands. I saw Moby at the one in sodo. I couldn't be more happy or proud of him. He's absolutely amazing. I'm getting my hair and makeup done as a bonus. Yay.
Speaking of, I need to run see him now, and use his computer. I'm going to try and set up all the new info tonight for the next blog. New year, new blog.
I will fill you in on all my exciting secrets I've had to leave out of here! And I agree with Syd, maybe the friends who don't want to know all of me, aren't my real friends...
Made it home from Utah in tact, but I'm afraid there was more to this trip than I realized.
Frank was calling me six times a day at least while I was gone. He became jealous, possessive, and suspicious while I was gone, all under the guise that he wanted to make sure I was doing the right things because he wants what is best for me. He had a total cow when he found out I'd seen Chris. I began to confirm what I knew was coming, and when I came back he told me he loved me and he thought we should be together. We fought everyday I was gone. I just want to be free to live how I see fit! I didn't know exactly this would happen or when, but since then I've been trying to find the right words to say, and figure the situation out. I guess they came to me this morning, and cried to him on the phone saying I loved him and always had, but we couldn't be together and he should take some time to grieve and move on. He agreed. It was hard and heavy dude. I guess you can't spend that much time together without someone falling for someone. This is the second time I've had to do this while being with Johnny. If you become a threat to my relationship I have to.
I am sad to say I never knew Frank had that side in him. The controlling kind of guy, who would read my texts behind my back, and scold me for every little thing. I used to be able to tell him everything. He said I could never make a good girlfriend because I want to still live like I'm single. I thought that was unfair. I don't pick up on guys in bars, or get flirty. My time with J is precious and the only reason I'm not there more is because of his schedule. Just because I want to hang out with Summer or Sarah by myself on occasion, or that I go to bars alone when J can't be with me... Yes, I see my ex boyfriends on rare occasions. I saw Ali last in October, and Chris for the first time in a year while I was in Utah. He's a million miles away and obviously no threat. (To J and I, I mean) He even had a problem with the night I hung out with my best gay duo, and the night I saw Wayne. It was rediculous. Wayne has been, and will be one of my best friends for life. I adore the fucker. Anyway, I don't do very well when someone starts telling me what to do, and I think it came from insecurity.
He also said I was getting pudgy again. Today I have eaten a pear. That's it. I'll make some broccoli in a sec, but I can't believe he would say something like that. Now I'm insecure about myself. AGAIN. I gained 7 lbs being in Utah over the holidays, and God knows I wish I could start running again now, but...
I had my second major asthma attack of my life 3 days ago. I was at Johnny's, and I left my inhaler home. By the time I got home again (after the 30 minute drive) I was barely breathing and light headed. I had my mom on the phone in case something happened, but I couldn't talk. She finally managed to guess what was going on by the weird breathing on the other end. Even when I finally sucked in the rescue inhaler it was only a temporary fix. The next day I was still feeling short of breath and in pain, so I called the doctor.
I had to see someone new because of the emergency circumstances. They gave me some sort of breath test to see how my lungs were, which I failed miserably. My lungs crackled inside as I coughed and wheezed my way through the visit. The doctor said my lungs had been severly compromised by the major attack and I need to get them back to "base." She also said that it looked as if my immune system (which should have helped) was failing more quickly than anticipated. She said I wasn't to be around any cats for 2 weeks, or do anything to hurt myself further. They stuck me on a huge new regiment of pills, and now I'm wondering just how much more my body can take.
I hate to admit I still have smoked 2 cigs since the attack. (Maybe more)
I did go to Johnny's yesterday to make a steak dinner with him to celebrate his huge news:
He's got a show coming up on Friday at the Showbox. Johnny's really making it. The Showbox is a huge deal for a Seattle bands. I saw Moby at the one in sodo. I couldn't be more happy or proud of him. He's absolutely amazing. I'm getting my hair and makeup done as a bonus. Yay.
Speaking of, I need to run see him now, and use his computer. I'm going to try and set up all the new info tonight for the next blog. New year, new blog.
I will fill you in on all my exciting secrets I've had to leave out of here! And I agree with Syd, maybe the friends who don't want to know all of me, aren't my real friends...
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Mortality
Lovers, friends, and lovely strangers greetings.
Hope your holiday was great. Mine went without hiccups. I got what I had asked for, a camera. I've never owned a camera before. I've always been really unphotogenic. But I asked for it so I could have concert pics and such. Not really pics of me. Though, I did post a few to my facebook from the party I (and Casey) threw yesterday. Luckily everyone came out. It was fantastic to see all those people again. We had to push 3 tables together, which is no small task at a bar like Area on fetish night. It fills to capacity, and they have to start turning people away. Luckily we've always had an in there...
Anyway, even my sister asked why I wanted a camera. I love to take photos of other people. I have a knack for making people look good, and some knowledge for lighting and such. But really I just want something that says I existed. I existed for the short time I did.
This has become more important to me in the last 6 months, and I'm unsure as to why. Maybe I'm starting to really feel the crunch of time which is making me question a lot of things in my life. I'm going to start voulenteering one day a week at the homeless shelter when I get back. I'm going to do manual stuff I'm sure, which I'll handle as much as my fibro will let me, but I really just want to listen. I don't think people listen enough to the less fortunate. I don't think anyone cares about them. But I do. Frank offered to come with me. I think he wants to feel he's doing something for the greater good as well which is commendable. He worked seven days a week though, til yesterday. He finally negotiated two days off which is great for him.
I've been telling him he needs more time to find himself. To have time for himself. That the money isn't the most important thing.
I've always been one of those people that draws people in and manages to change them somehow. Frank is starting to see my gravity but he's so damn stubborn. I think he's coming to realize what the important shit is- at least to me. I changed Carl's life, and Shaun's. I even changed Chris-
Chris called me the other day and I said something and he said "ahh yes, your philosophies that somehow always make sense." The bottom line for any of them is 'in the scheme of things does this matter?' if the answer is no, bag whatever it is your doing for something that does!
My best girlfriend in the world Bev is completely opposite of me- she knits for fun, and she bakes and while she's a little messy since she and the love of her life Josh got together she's even better at that. She's a music junkie too, though not to the degree I am. The point is, she gets it. She does the things that matter to her and make her happy, and she doesn't waste a lot of time obsessing about shit that doesn't matter.
Frank, I hate to say it, is super judgemental. He says shit all the time that shocks me about other people. He doesn't think he is, but he makes snap decisions all the time about people. Especially people in my life, or people I'm interacting with. On the flip side he is constantly worrying what other people think of him. And really, I've never heard a bad word. But he freaks about whether his socks match his outfit. Shit dude! Pick a pair! No one is gunna see them anyway!
This is just a point in the point I'm making.
That shit will never make you happy. The shit that makes you happy are your hobbies, and your peeps, and the fun times you have doing something you enjoy! (Hell, it can even be your job!)
And for the record, when you come to see me you are coming to see me right? Not my house? So if everything isn't perfect does that matter to the people that really care about you? It doesn't me.
I'm making a huge roundabout here. Frank getting the two days off after I convinced him it was a good idea is just something I see him needing right now, especially when our talks turn to the topic of he doesn't know what to do with his life currently. He needs to address his depression. He always says I've been the easiest person he's ever met to talk to. Wayne thinks so, as does Chris. I just think that listening without judging is a skill all people should have and to my dismay most don't. I wish I had someone like me in my life to talk to hehe.
In some weird way this all ties in with my mortality. What I feel in the dark when I'm lying there by myself contemplating whether I'm a good person and if I'm using my time wisely. Who else does that I wonder? Can I help other people enjoy their life and live to the fullest?
I tried to tell Johnny it would be nice to have more time with him. I've been saying it for quite awhile now, and he told me yesterday he's going to start having Fridays off. The reason I see him needing some time and Frank needing time are two different stories. Some people I think would benefit from working more. I wish I could. Instead I write, and wait.
I don't think blue eyes hears me sometimes when I tell him I appreciate him, or what he's trying for us. That extra day helps. I miss him so much I ache in moments this trip. It's been ages since I've felt that pain for anyone. Feeling it and saying it are two different things. I wonder what it means.
Tangent:
I see now I have a facade. When I was a little girl I hear I used to run and hug strangers. I wanted to love everybody and threw my arms open to them. Now I don't say anything important about myself unless I'm directly asked. My shunning of all things girlie began some time ago, I believe with the color pink, and then most colors all together. The love stories my sister and mom loved seemed far and distant. Even girls were creatures I felt awkward around because I fundamentally no longer understood them, or what they were about. How could they say such vile things of other girls? Who were they to judge? Everything slowly changed and I became the good time girl. I understood what people wanted of me. Be happy. Let them talk about themselves. The thing is, when you become that person nobody is ever really there for you. If I needed a ride somewhere, or someone to talk to about the hard stuff in my life I have my dad basically. I used to have that sort of though, but
I ran away from my own life...
Now that little girl is some mid twenty weirdo who writes songs about heartache and blogs to perfect strangers about personal shit. She breaks alone, and mostly silently. I've closed off my arms to strangers, in a nieve loving fashion. I'm not depressed though dude. Sometimes my hormones make me depressed, and sometimes there are situations that happen that just leave me with my hands in the air and tears on my face wondering what to do but I'm not sad. Not even now. I'm just exploring my past with you, and in essence, myself. Thanks for coming along on the ride by the way, and if you feel you've been villanized I apologize. I know no villans. Some people are in your life to teach you something, or make a situation harder because you need it to be. I can be frustrated with a situation, and yes, the players, but in the end I always should be learning something.
On another note about Johnny quickly before I dive back in, we actually had a long text conversation a couple days ago which was really awesome. Talking to him makes my whole day. When he pays attention to me I feel like the sun is shining for me alone, and I adore it. I think it was the day after I wrote the blog about only texting once or twice and he's made the effort to talk more. I think it's just wonderful.
I was listening to Evanescence the other day. A song called Cloud Nine. I rebought the cd with my Christmas money and as I sat there listening to this song I'd forgotten I felt a twinge of pain in my heart that radiated through my body. I sat there feeling consumed by it for a few moments and found myself turning one of my oldest and dearest cds off. I shocked myself.
How dark and tormented was I that I would listen as her words of pain echoed through me as my own? I would ache so deeply. I had forgotten how deep a pain that was. How utterly gripping and horrible I felt for years.
"Guess it wasn't real after all
Guess it wasn't real after all
If I fall and all is lost
It's where I belong..."
How I could be so cruel to myself is a mystery at this point. Why was it acceptable to torture myself in such a way when I have NEVER hurt another human so badly nor would I? I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. I let another human contribute to my darkness, and I never should have. I blame it now on the oxytocin. (The chemical your brain releases when you're in love.) But it wasn't his fault. I think I just needed to get out, to pull myself out, and in that I owe my Dad my life. Getting to Seattle was the best thing that ever happened to me I think. How long would I have let that go on?!?
I started this very weird blog on the note of getting a camera and why that was important. I see now why people feel a need for pictures of themselves. I have to get over the fact that yes, most of my pics are gunna suck. I need to suck less when it comes to taking them though. I don't have a single one with J and we've been dating ten months, as of today. We're closer to a year now, just knowing each other. Perhaps that's just me being stubborn or something. I am famous for it myself. But that would be proof we were together. That I loved him, and there was proof. I didn't need proof of anything, but now as I start to feel differently I'd like to have some pics to look back on.
I am going to do something now I've tried very hard to keep out of here but I need to tonight. Forgive me.
The camera is going to help me keep track of my weight. How I look to a camera. Pics likely no one will see, but I fucking despise myself sometimes and that's the harsh truth. I look at my hips and I'm dismayed. I see my stomach and I want to just give myself lipo with a botched knife job. When I'm serious about losing weight I write down everything.
The truth is some days I eat a lot but not usually. Usually I just eat normally, but I don't fucking exercise enough. They say just 30 minutes a day helps. Why can't I do that?!? Why can't I do something to feel better about myself? Because I'm lazy? Fuck dude, that is not a good enough excuse for me. Do I really want to spend the rest of my 20s and possibly my life as "the cute bigger girl?" Fuck no. If I hear that one more time...
People that say that shit make me crazy. They make me feel like I should grab an eight ball and disappear for as long as it takes. When I weighed 109 everyone told me how great I looked. The people that cared- my Dad, and Paul- said that I was too skinny. That I was looking like an auschwitz victim. But I never heard negativity- just concern. People don't see that when they say that stuff to me I immediately retreat into myself and feel guilty for days. About anything I put into my body, even water.
It's even harder knowing that I was skinny once.
I was skinny once.
Moving on now, into a less Kate hate topic; my mom and I have gone back to our old relationship. She treats me like a child, and I anger because I want to be treated as an adult. Then she angers back and a fight ensues. You know, I remember saying in a blog that we were improving. That we didn't fight as much. That I liked it. But now that she has no chance of getting Dad back she's reverted into her narcissistic tendencies and I'm collateral damage. This trip our fight has been over whether I can turn the heat on downstairs. She says no, not ever. And it is less than 20 down there at night. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think so. But we have had a major blowout over it.
I am so tired of dealing with people that CAN NOT see what everyone else sees. When everyone sees why dad left and how hard she is to deal with all she sees is her own abandonment. She thinks she did nothing wrong. If nothing was wrong, why did he leave? And why have I seriously told her that when I stay here, I will be looking for another place to stay? Our relationship sucks, and she thinks its perfect, and that its perfectly normal for her to get in my face and threaten me while I sit there silent til she leaves. Then I cry or try to fight the urge to S.I. (I haven't, btw.)
It's not normal or healthy and yet we do it every time. And the cycle continues, and I can't get better.
Meanwhile in music news I've finally managed to steal a bit of Chris Hall's writing style, and it's something I've tried repeatedly and failed at. I'm finally getting somewhere with this song and I can't wait to finish it and show it to the band. It's a song about betrayal of course. In keeping with the only theme I write fluidly in.
Took an oxysomething last night while I was at Area provided by my ex and felt really blissful for awhile. No wonder it is such a hard drug to pull away from. It made me not know where I was on drinking, and it took me awhile to sober up enough to drive home after I came down. So glad I got to feel that though. That warm feeling that goes through you is really something. Felt sick to my stomach this morning though, but not hungover. Weird.
I'm surprised at how emotionally drained I am this trip. I'm going to be ready to get back to good old seatown and people that don't demand as much of me. The conversation has been great with my old friends, and I hope we will manage to stay in touch as much.
Anyway, you're probably thanking your lucky stars as I've ran out of shit to say. Heh. You knew there'd be a big one after all those piddly ones. I can't be that quiet that long.
I think I have officially decided to stop writing here though. I'll start a new blog, in a new space, but likely only strangers I've met through this blog will have the addy. Funny that, the real people in my life, don't actually want to know the real me. Maybe that makes me a shitty person. Something I suppose I'll contemplate tonight. This blog had a good run- a year on the first. So this "More Than I've Said Before" will mark the year I was 24/25.
It hurts, that I can't be all of me to everyone, but as I said, I'm the good time girl. And this is the real me, the shit I hadn't said to anyone ever. This was my place to be honest, and bleed emotionally. To mark the events and thoughts of my life. But my thoughts are more than most can handle, and while I knew this I trusted the wrong people- and I only trusted them to get me right. Love is suicide, and I have loved everyone I gave this address to. I am blessed to have had such strangers and Shane and SB and Syd find their way into my life and onto my page, and stay. Pain is entertainment right?
This isn't goodbye yet. But we're close folks. And sometimes goodbyes can be fucking bittersweet and beautiful.
Mortality...
Hope your holiday was great. Mine went without hiccups. I got what I had asked for, a camera. I've never owned a camera before. I've always been really unphotogenic. But I asked for it so I could have concert pics and such. Not really pics of me. Though, I did post a few to my facebook from the party I (and Casey) threw yesterday. Luckily everyone came out. It was fantastic to see all those people again. We had to push 3 tables together, which is no small task at a bar like Area on fetish night. It fills to capacity, and they have to start turning people away. Luckily we've always had an in there...
Anyway, even my sister asked why I wanted a camera. I love to take photos of other people. I have a knack for making people look good, and some knowledge for lighting and such. But really I just want something that says I existed. I existed for the short time I did.
This has become more important to me in the last 6 months, and I'm unsure as to why. Maybe I'm starting to really feel the crunch of time which is making me question a lot of things in my life. I'm going to start voulenteering one day a week at the homeless shelter when I get back. I'm going to do manual stuff I'm sure, which I'll handle as much as my fibro will let me, but I really just want to listen. I don't think people listen enough to the less fortunate. I don't think anyone cares about them. But I do. Frank offered to come with me. I think he wants to feel he's doing something for the greater good as well which is commendable. He worked seven days a week though, til yesterday. He finally negotiated two days off which is great for him.
I've been telling him he needs more time to find himself. To have time for himself. That the money isn't the most important thing.
I've always been one of those people that draws people in and manages to change them somehow. Frank is starting to see my gravity but he's so damn stubborn. I think he's coming to realize what the important shit is- at least to me. I changed Carl's life, and Shaun's. I even changed Chris-
Chris called me the other day and I said something and he said "ahh yes, your philosophies that somehow always make sense." The bottom line for any of them is 'in the scheme of things does this matter?' if the answer is no, bag whatever it is your doing for something that does!
My best girlfriend in the world Bev is completely opposite of me- she knits for fun, and she bakes and while she's a little messy since she and the love of her life Josh got together she's even better at that. She's a music junkie too, though not to the degree I am. The point is, she gets it. She does the things that matter to her and make her happy, and she doesn't waste a lot of time obsessing about shit that doesn't matter.
Frank, I hate to say it, is super judgemental. He says shit all the time that shocks me about other people. He doesn't think he is, but he makes snap decisions all the time about people. Especially people in my life, or people I'm interacting with. On the flip side he is constantly worrying what other people think of him. And really, I've never heard a bad word. But he freaks about whether his socks match his outfit. Shit dude! Pick a pair! No one is gunna see them anyway!
This is just a point in the point I'm making.
That shit will never make you happy. The shit that makes you happy are your hobbies, and your peeps, and the fun times you have doing something you enjoy! (Hell, it can even be your job!)
And for the record, when you come to see me you are coming to see me right? Not my house? So if everything isn't perfect does that matter to the people that really care about you? It doesn't me.
I'm making a huge roundabout here. Frank getting the two days off after I convinced him it was a good idea is just something I see him needing right now, especially when our talks turn to the topic of he doesn't know what to do with his life currently. He needs to address his depression. He always says I've been the easiest person he's ever met to talk to. Wayne thinks so, as does Chris. I just think that listening without judging is a skill all people should have and to my dismay most don't. I wish I had someone like me in my life to talk to hehe.
In some weird way this all ties in with my mortality. What I feel in the dark when I'm lying there by myself contemplating whether I'm a good person and if I'm using my time wisely. Who else does that I wonder? Can I help other people enjoy their life and live to the fullest?
I tried to tell Johnny it would be nice to have more time with him. I've been saying it for quite awhile now, and he told me yesterday he's going to start having Fridays off. The reason I see him needing some time and Frank needing time are two different stories. Some people I think would benefit from working more. I wish I could. Instead I write, and wait.
I don't think blue eyes hears me sometimes when I tell him I appreciate him, or what he's trying for us. That extra day helps. I miss him so much I ache in moments this trip. It's been ages since I've felt that pain for anyone. Feeling it and saying it are two different things. I wonder what it means.
Tangent:
I see now I have a facade. When I was a little girl I hear I used to run and hug strangers. I wanted to love everybody and threw my arms open to them. Now I don't say anything important about myself unless I'm directly asked. My shunning of all things girlie began some time ago, I believe with the color pink, and then most colors all together. The love stories my sister and mom loved seemed far and distant. Even girls were creatures I felt awkward around because I fundamentally no longer understood them, or what they were about. How could they say such vile things of other girls? Who were they to judge? Everything slowly changed and I became the good time girl. I understood what people wanted of me. Be happy. Let them talk about themselves. The thing is, when you become that person nobody is ever really there for you. If I needed a ride somewhere, or someone to talk to about the hard stuff in my life I have my dad basically. I used to have that sort of though, but
I ran away from my own life...
Now that little girl is some mid twenty weirdo who writes songs about heartache and blogs to perfect strangers about personal shit. She breaks alone, and mostly silently. I've closed off my arms to strangers, in a nieve loving fashion. I'm not depressed though dude. Sometimes my hormones make me depressed, and sometimes there are situations that happen that just leave me with my hands in the air and tears on my face wondering what to do but I'm not sad. Not even now. I'm just exploring my past with you, and in essence, myself. Thanks for coming along on the ride by the way, and if you feel you've been villanized I apologize. I know no villans. Some people are in your life to teach you something, or make a situation harder because you need it to be. I can be frustrated with a situation, and yes, the players, but in the end I always should be learning something.
On another note about Johnny quickly before I dive back in, we actually had a long text conversation a couple days ago which was really awesome. Talking to him makes my whole day. When he pays attention to me I feel like the sun is shining for me alone, and I adore it. I think it was the day after I wrote the blog about only texting once or twice and he's made the effort to talk more. I think it's just wonderful.
I was listening to Evanescence the other day. A song called Cloud Nine. I rebought the cd with my Christmas money and as I sat there listening to this song I'd forgotten I felt a twinge of pain in my heart that radiated through my body. I sat there feeling consumed by it for a few moments and found myself turning one of my oldest and dearest cds off. I shocked myself.
How dark and tormented was I that I would listen as her words of pain echoed through me as my own? I would ache so deeply. I had forgotten how deep a pain that was. How utterly gripping and horrible I felt for years.
"Guess it wasn't real after all
Guess it wasn't real after all
If I fall and all is lost
It's where I belong..."
How I could be so cruel to myself is a mystery at this point. Why was it acceptable to torture myself in such a way when I have NEVER hurt another human so badly nor would I? I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. I let another human contribute to my darkness, and I never should have. I blame it now on the oxytocin. (The chemical your brain releases when you're in love.) But it wasn't his fault. I think I just needed to get out, to pull myself out, and in that I owe my Dad my life. Getting to Seattle was the best thing that ever happened to me I think. How long would I have let that go on?!?
I started this very weird blog on the note of getting a camera and why that was important. I see now why people feel a need for pictures of themselves. I have to get over the fact that yes, most of my pics are gunna suck. I need to suck less when it comes to taking them though. I don't have a single one with J and we've been dating ten months, as of today. We're closer to a year now, just knowing each other. Perhaps that's just me being stubborn or something. I am famous for it myself. But that would be proof we were together. That I loved him, and there was proof. I didn't need proof of anything, but now as I start to feel differently I'd like to have some pics to look back on.
I am going to do something now I've tried very hard to keep out of here but I need to tonight. Forgive me.
The camera is going to help me keep track of my weight. How I look to a camera. Pics likely no one will see, but I fucking despise myself sometimes and that's the harsh truth. I look at my hips and I'm dismayed. I see my stomach and I want to just give myself lipo with a botched knife job. When I'm serious about losing weight I write down everything.
The truth is some days I eat a lot but not usually. Usually I just eat normally, but I don't fucking exercise enough. They say just 30 minutes a day helps. Why can't I do that?!? Why can't I do something to feel better about myself? Because I'm lazy? Fuck dude, that is not a good enough excuse for me. Do I really want to spend the rest of my 20s and possibly my life as "the cute bigger girl?" Fuck no. If I hear that one more time...
People that say that shit make me crazy. They make me feel like I should grab an eight ball and disappear for as long as it takes. When I weighed 109 everyone told me how great I looked. The people that cared- my Dad, and Paul- said that I was too skinny. That I was looking like an auschwitz victim. But I never heard negativity- just concern. People don't see that when they say that stuff to me I immediately retreat into myself and feel guilty for days. About anything I put into my body, even water.
It's even harder knowing that I was skinny once.
I was skinny once.
Moving on now, into a less Kate hate topic; my mom and I have gone back to our old relationship. She treats me like a child, and I anger because I want to be treated as an adult. Then she angers back and a fight ensues. You know, I remember saying in a blog that we were improving. That we didn't fight as much. That I liked it. But now that she has no chance of getting Dad back she's reverted into her narcissistic tendencies and I'm collateral damage. This trip our fight has been over whether I can turn the heat on downstairs. She says no, not ever. And it is less than 20 down there at night. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think so. But we have had a major blowout over it.
I am so tired of dealing with people that CAN NOT see what everyone else sees. When everyone sees why dad left and how hard she is to deal with all she sees is her own abandonment. She thinks she did nothing wrong. If nothing was wrong, why did he leave? And why have I seriously told her that when I stay here, I will be looking for another place to stay? Our relationship sucks, and she thinks its perfect, and that its perfectly normal for her to get in my face and threaten me while I sit there silent til she leaves. Then I cry or try to fight the urge to S.I. (I haven't, btw.)
It's not normal or healthy and yet we do it every time. And the cycle continues, and I can't get better.
Meanwhile in music news I've finally managed to steal a bit of Chris Hall's writing style, and it's something I've tried repeatedly and failed at. I'm finally getting somewhere with this song and I can't wait to finish it and show it to the band. It's a song about betrayal of course. In keeping with the only theme I write fluidly in.
Took an oxysomething last night while I was at Area provided by my ex and felt really blissful for awhile. No wonder it is such a hard drug to pull away from. It made me not know where I was on drinking, and it took me awhile to sober up enough to drive home after I came down. So glad I got to feel that though. That warm feeling that goes through you is really something. Felt sick to my stomach this morning though, but not hungover. Weird.
I'm surprised at how emotionally drained I am this trip. I'm going to be ready to get back to good old seatown and people that don't demand as much of me. The conversation has been great with my old friends, and I hope we will manage to stay in touch as much.
Anyway, you're probably thanking your lucky stars as I've ran out of shit to say. Heh. You knew there'd be a big one after all those piddly ones. I can't be that quiet that long.
I think I have officially decided to stop writing here though. I'll start a new blog, in a new space, but likely only strangers I've met through this blog will have the addy. Funny that, the real people in my life, don't actually want to know the real me. Maybe that makes me a shitty person. Something I suppose I'll contemplate tonight. This blog had a good run- a year on the first. So this "More Than I've Said Before" will mark the year I was 24/25.
It hurts, that I can't be all of me to everyone, but as I said, I'm the good time girl. And this is the real me, the shit I hadn't said to anyone ever. This was my place to be honest, and bleed emotionally. To mark the events and thoughts of my life. But my thoughts are more than most can handle, and while I knew this I trusted the wrong people- and I only trusted them to get me right. Love is suicide, and I have loved everyone I gave this address to. I am blessed to have had such strangers and Shane and SB and Syd find their way into my life and onto my page, and stay. Pain is entertainment right?
This isn't goodbye yet. But we're close folks. And sometimes goodbyes can be fucking bittersweet and beautiful.
Mortality...
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Eve dudes
Aye, it's beena few moons since I've written anything.
I'm going over many things in my heart and head, and again it's hard to write when I can't discuss what they are, because I'm afraid people will use them against me, or as been proven in the past, get me wrong. I'm thinking of scrapping this blog and starting a new one. Literally, that's how censored I've become. My life has many aspects in secret and I don't like it. I don't like that I was once free to write my thoughts and my experiences, and people didn't feel they were portrayed as evil or the bad guy. For now though I'll continue...
I'm in Utah on holiday. It's been a weird fucking trip. Spent my first night here Christmas shopping. Got many new clothes, and I was very pleased. Then Chris and I got together for a short time for a talk. He brought a bottle of Jager and I had about five shots right off. Didn't feel them. Hung out, listened to a live cover band and then we parted so we could head to Ashley's party separately as his girlfriend was gunna be there, and I respected the fact it would look badly to show up together.
When I arrived however, I wasn't greeted with the regalia of friends. I was hardly greeted, and after getting my first drink Chris' ex Amanda came up to me and in her most bitchy voice said "if we knew you were going to be here, none of us would have showed up." Merry Christmas to me.
Then, when Jae arrived she took me into a back room and began to tell me how much she didn't trust me and all sorts of other shit in some high pressure situation. I sat patiently and then escaped for my last shot of Jager, closed out the conversation and left remembering why I hate it here.
I'd been invited to the party legit and plenty of people like me, it's Chris' fucking crazy way he has with women partly. Ahh well. You can't be everyone's friend.
The next day was more shopping. Went to breakfast with the whole family. Sat around bored listening to people talk about lame shit, until Johnny texted me and told me Britany Murphy was dead. One of my nicknames is Kitty, Kitten or Pussycat. (It all comes from the Kathryn thing) and she sang on a song that was quickly coined mine in our roll group "Faster Kill Pussycat." Plus she's done stuff I like, so I was sad.
I went with my aunt after for more shopping, and managed to bag lots of cds which I was very excited for. Spent the night at home because frankly, I didn't want to know what else I would get into.
The next evening was my return to the Highlander. I went alone, sat in the back and had a few conversations with strangers. Nothing major, but I felt kind of lonely. I've been feeling sort of lonely this whole trip.
I woke up soon after with a puffy face. I was blowing black shit out of my nose. I was having a real hard time breathing. I called and made an emergency trip to the doctor. The sinus infection I've had since the middle of November was back, and back with a vengence. They told me it was a fungus that had moved into my sinus cavity, and hadn't responded to the first round of antibiotics. They gave me a second round, and told me if I wasn't feeling better in 4 days I needed to come in for my first round of steroid injections.
With everything else that's going on it appears my immune system is really tanking. I need to start taking vitamins and immuno boosters. Anything to try and help...
I know my Dad's lonely too because when I talked to him on the phone yesterday we lingered for awhile. He's planning Xmas for grama at our apartment. That's nice, but I know he wishes he was still with us for Xmas, if nothing else. He always said his favorite memories are of me and Carrie at Xmas when we were little.
Meanwhile Frank has been calling me about 5 times a day since I've been here, and picked a fight with me everyone. He's not coping with my absence well. He REALLY didn't want me to go for 2 weeks.
Johnny and I text once or twice, but don't keep in touch too much. I know he's been out with Amber while I've been gone and will spend Christmas with her. He spent Thanksgiving/his birthday with her too. I really wish that were my role- as I stayed home from Utah for Thanksgiving to be there for him. He said he finally spoke to her about the way she acts around him when I'm around, but I'm afraid it's too late. Everytime I watch them together I just start shaking, and every time someone posts a surprise picture of them together of them somewhere I wasn't I feel this stab go through my heart and chest. I'm tired of going out with him and getting asked where Amber is. It's like I'm a third wheel in the Johnny and Amber show. It even creeped into my sleep as that dream I wrote about last entry. He knows how I feel... But he hasn't done anything to change it except tell her to back off when we're both around him. I just want him to be happy... But I want to be happy too.
It's Christmas Eve officially, this blog is almost a year old, can you believe it? We're heading to my grandmother's for dinner at five, like usual for tradition. Mom woke me up for pumpkin pancakes this morning from my den downstairs. I'm just writing and thinking mostly, and planning to go downstairs again to retreat to one of my new 15 cds. Maybe facebook first.
I'm going over many things in my heart and head, and again it's hard to write when I can't discuss what they are, because I'm afraid people will use them against me, or as been proven in the past, get me wrong. I'm thinking of scrapping this blog and starting a new one. Literally, that's how censored I've become. My life has many aspects in secret and I don't like it. I don't like that I was once free to write my thoughts and my experiences, and people didn't feel they were portrayed as evil or the bad guy. For now though I'll continue...
I'm in Utah on holiday. It's been a weird fucking trip. Spent my first night here Christmas shopping. Got many new clothes, and I was very pleased. Then Chris and I got together for a short time for a talk. He brought a bottle of Jager and I had about five shots right off. Didn't feel them. Hung out, listened to a live cover band and then we parted so we could head to Ashley's party separately as his girlfriend was gunna be there, and I respected the fact it would look badly to show up together.
When I arrived however, I wasn't greeted with the regalia of friends. I was hardly greeted, and after getting my first drink Chris' ex Amanda came up to me and in her most bitchy voice said "if we knew you were going to be here, none of us would have showed up." Merry Christmas to me.
Then, when Jae arrived she took me into a back room and began to tell me how much she didn't trust me and all sorts of other shit in some high pressure situation. I sat patiently and then escaped for my last shot of Jager, closed out the conversation and left remembering why I hate it here.
I'd been invited to the party legit and plenty of people like me, it's Chris' fucking crazy way he has with women partly. Ahh well. You can't be everyone's friend.
The next day was more shopping. Went to breakfast with the whole family. Sat around bored listening to people talk about lame shit, until Johnny texted me and told me Britany Murphy was dead. One of my nicknames is Kitty, Kitten or Pussycat. (It all comes from the Kathryn thing) and she sang on a song that was quickly coined mine in our roll group "Faster Kill Pussycat." Plus she's done stuff I like, so I was sad.
I went with my aunt after for more shopping, and managed to bag lots of cds which I was very excited for. Spent the night at home because frankly, I didn't want to know what else I would get into.
The next evening was my return to the Highlander. I went alone, sat in the back and had a few conversations with strangers. Nothing major, but I felt kind of lonely. I've been feeling sort of lonely this whole trip.
I woke up soon after with a puffy face. I was blowing black shit out of my nose. I was having a real hard time breathing. I called and made an emergency trip to the doctor. The sinus infection I've had since the middle of November was back, and back with a vengence. They told me it was a fungus that had moved into my sinus cavity, and hadn't responded to the first round of antibiotics. They gave me a second round, and told me if I wasn't feeling better in 4 days I needed to come in for my first round of steroid injections.
With everything else that's going on it appears my immune system is really tanking. I need to start taking vitamins and immuno boosters. Anything to try and help...
I know my Dad's lonely too because when I talked to him on the phone yesterday we lingered for awhile. He's planning Xmas for grama at our apartment. That's nice, but I know he wishes he was still with us for Xmas, if nothing else. He always said his favorite memories are of me and Carrie at Xmas when we were little.
Meanwhile Frank has been calling me about 5 times a day since I've been here, and picked a fight with me everyone. He's not coping with my absence well. He REALLY didn't want me to go for 2 weeks.
Johnny and I text once or twice, but don't keep in touch too much. I know he's been out with Amber while I've been gone and will spend Christmas with her. He spent Thanksgiving/his birthday with her too. I really wish that were my role- as I stayed home from Utah for Thanksgiving to be there for him. He said he finally spoke to her about the way she acts around him when I'm around, but I'm afraid it's too late. Everytime I watch them together I just start shaking, and every time someone posts a surprise picture of them together of them somewhere I wasn't I feel this stab go through my heart and chest. I'm tired of going out with him and getting asked where Amber is. It's like I'm a third wheel in the Johnny and Amber show. It even creeped into my sleep as that dream I wrote about last entry. He knows how I feel... But he hasn't done anything to change it except tell her to back off when we're both around him. I just want him to be happy... But I want to be happy too.
It's Christmas Eve officially, this blog is almost a year old, can you believe it? We're heading to my grandmother's for dinner at five, like usual for tradition. Mom woke me up for pumpkin pancakes this morning from my den downstairs. I'm just writing and thinking mostly, and planning to go downstairs again to retreat to one of my new 15 cds. Maybe facebook first.
I wish you love this holiday. Sorry it took so long for an entry. We will sspeak soon though. Have no doubt.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Water
I was at a mystery bar somewhere. There was a river surrounding it. It was dark. Johnny and Amber were inside and I sat at the bar watching them. Everytime she'd touch him- scratch his back, pick lint off his shirt- I'd take a shot. I wondered if he knew I was there.
Everytime I'd take a shot the water surrounding the bar would rise a little. Soon I realized I couldn't drink anymore. I couldn't take anymore in, or watch anymore. So I left the bar and walked to the water.
The water was black and the night was freezing. Looking down my mind urged me to jump in, and I did. I felt the water hit my lungs cold and abrupt. I closed my eyes, I was getting so heavy and I sank.
Then I woke up and cried.
Everytime I'd take a shot the water surrounding the bar would rise a little. Soon I realized I couldn't drink anymore. I couldn't take anymore in, or watch anymore. So I left the bar and walked to the water.
The water was black and the night was freezing. Looking down my mind urged me to jump in, and I did. I felt the water hit my lungs cold and abrupt. I closed my eyes, I was getting so heavy and I sank.
Then I woke up and cried.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Bubbles
I just had a long phone conversation with Chris. We hadn't talked in about a week and we usually don't talk on the phone. Just text once in awhile. It was a good conversation. I'm watching "Crash." I'd never sat down to watch this movie even though I wanted to for awhile. It is amazing. I didn't realize how good it was gunna be. There are a lot of surprising twists which is something I really appreciate in a movie.
I'm making plans to return to Utah for Christmas. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on these days. I had to switch from Ambien because it stopped working, so they put me on Lunesta. It's ok, it doesn't give me eight hours and after I take it there is a REALLY nasty taste in my mouth that lasts all day but it has helped a little. I want to try something else though. God I miss Xanax. I think I can get more in 6 days though.
I looked at an apartment yesterday. I like the guys that would be my roomies, but I'm not too big on the place. It's further away from Seattle then I would like. So, I guess my search continues.
You know, I love my sister and we get along much better these days then we ever have, but sometimes she is not in touch with reality. I feel bad for her because she lives in a bubble, but at the same time I suppose I'm glad she's protected in ways... I remember days when I was so broke I had to beg my mother for money for food and necessities, while we were applying for social security. She made me chose between the two. I always chose the necessities unless I was really hungry. That was the real reason I ended up weighing 109 lbs. Then when we got approved for food stamps and everything I started to eat, and because I knew what it was like to starve. I ate more than ever and gained all the weight back in a matter of weeks.
I was homeless because keeping my dogs was the most important thing in the world to me. I was sleeping on the cold floor of some one's basement that allowed me and my pups to be there for two weeks. I wasn't going to lose my babies. Fate worked out that time to find me a place in that two week time frame to go but it was right after the rape, and I was pregnant with morning sickness the whole time. I went straight from being homeless to being home for a day, then had my first abortion.
I bring this up because she was complaining on the phone the other day about how having only have one job (her chosen career she's only going to be able to student teach now instead of being able to do that AND work at the law firm) won't allow her to eat out as much. Don't get me wrong she works hard for what she gets. She's always had enough money to live and have a disposable income. But when she started in on that I had to get off the phone. She will never know what poverty or despair feel like. She's never had her car broken into or money stolen. She has never been hungry or homeless. My life has been such an amazing fucking train wreck that somehow has turned out alright. I am still able to smile most days.
I am tired of being so broke. Relying on a system that often leaves me absolutely penniless before I get money again. I feel helpless when that happens. Frank bless his heart offers me gas money on occasion but I never take him up on it. Well, I borrowed five bucks from him once but I paid him back in two days... I just hate being at other people's mercy.
I breathe in most days knowing I'll never see that day or that moment again. I look at things and people in my life differently than most people do I think, because people assume from one day to the next things will be the same. People will be there. In my experience this isn't true. Like even last night sitting with Johnny holding his hand. I felt how smooth his skin is, and how long his fingers are as we sat with his friends and drank. I cherished that moment so much.
When Autumn fades as it has now I hope I make it through winter and that I'll see another summer. I never feel I Rollerblade enough these days.
There are moments when I'm high and I hope it never ends. I took two vicodin last week (prescribed to me btw) and laid on the couch feeling like I was under a warm blanket and hoped that feeling would never end. It did far too soon.
Ok enough rambles about stupid shit for the day. Closing thought: I am entering a new program at a place on Dec tenth and I'm not going to say what for or why, but I'm actually kind of excited about it. When the times come, all will be revealed. But my soul is hurting right now even if I am happy, and I need to find a way to work with it and maybe some of my physical stuff will go away. That's sort of the goal.
Stay well friends.
I'm making plans to return to Utah for Christmas. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on these days. I had to switch from Ambien because it stopped working, so they put me on Lunesta. It's ok, it doesn't give me eight hours and after I take it there is a REALLY nasty taste in my mouth that lasts all day but it has helped a little. I want to try something else though. God I miss Xanax. I think I can get more in 6 days though.
I looked at an apartment yesterday. I like the guys that would be my roomies, but I'm not too big on the place. It's further away from Seattle then I would like. So, I guess my search continues.
You know, I love my sister and we get along much better these days then we ever have, but sometimes she is not in touch with reality. I feel bad for her because she lives in a bubble, but at the same time I suppose I'm glad she's protected in ways... I remember days when I was so broke I had to beg my mother for money for food and necessities, while we were applying for social security. She made me chose between the two. I always chose the necessities unless I was really hungry. That was the real reason I ended up weighing 109 lbs. Then when we got approved for food stamps and everything I started to eat, and because I knew what it was like to starve. I ate more than ever and gained all the weight back in a matter of weeks.
I was homeless because keeping my dogs was the most important thing in the world to me. I was sleeping on the cold floor of some one's basement that allowed me and my pups to be there for two weeks. I wasn't going to lose my babies. Fate worked out that time to find me a place in that two week time frame to go but it was right after the rape, and I was pregnant with morning sickness the whole time. I went straight from being homeless to being home for a day, then had my first abortion.
I bring this up because she was complaining on the phone the other day about how having only have one job (her chosen career she's only going to be able to student teach now instead of being able to do that AND work at the law firm) won't allow her to eat out as much. Don't get me wrong she works hard for what she gets. She's always had enough money to live and have a disposable income. But when she started in on that I had to get off the phone. She will never know what poverty or despair feel like. She's never had her car broken into or money stolen. She has never been hungry or homeless. My life has been such an amazing fucking train wreck that somehow has turned out alright. I am still able to smile most days.
I am tired of being so broke. Relying on a system that often leaves me absolutely penniless before I get money again. I feel helpless when that happens. Frank bless his heart offers me gas money on occasion but I never take him up on it. Well, I borrowed five bucks from him once but I paid him back in two days... I just hate being at other people's mercy.
I breathe in most days knowing I'll never see that day or that moment again. I look at things and people in my life differently than most people do I think, because people assume from one day to the next things will be the same. People will be there. In my experience this isn't true. Like even last night sitting with Johnny holding his hand. I felt how smooth his skin is, and how long his fingers are as we sat with his friends and drank. I cherished that moment so much.
When Autumn fades as it has now I hope I make it through winter and that I'll see another summer. I never feel I Rollerblade enough these days.
There are moments when I'm high and I hope it never ends. I took two vicodin last week (prescribed to me btw) and laid on the couch feeling like I was under a warm blanket and hoped that feeling would never end. It did far too soon.
Ok enough rambles about stupid shit for the day. Closing thought: I am entering a new program at a place on Dec tenth and I'm not going to say what for or why, but I'm actually kind of excited about it. When the times come, all will be revealed. But my soul is hurting right now even if I am happy, and I need to find a way to work with it and maybe some of my physical stuff will go away. That's sort of the goal.
Stay well friends.
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