Thursday, July 30, 2009

Explination a lil

I wanna keep this shorter if possible.

I apologize for the last entry. I was feeling incredibly bad, on the impulsive bpd side. Almost spiraling into an episode. None of what was being helped by watching people doing pills on tv and such. Also after a talk I had with my Dad about things.
I'm frustrated with myself because I've left experiences out of this blog, thoughts, feelings. I'm afraid of being judged, or perhaps secrets being leaked I don't want the world to know of yet. I created this page to be fully honest with the world, but mostly myself.
I wondered if I had a place to be fully honest if I'd hate myself? The things I do/ don't do? What will be left of me after it all? The truth. The whole truth. The real me. I'm no angel. Don't want to be. But there are things about myself I'd change.

It really does take a man I care about deeply to set me off. Again, unfair, J had no idea he did it. But just the same it happened. I'm gunna have to do more filling in, probably in another entry, as I'm getting tired. But basically my Dad pointed some stuff out I'd been ignoring, or content with. Then I opened my eyes. It hurt again, as it often does.

At band practice today, as the boys were listening to my lyrics Frank (my guitarist Frank) said "You've been through the wringer with guys. I think it's time you deserve to be happy. Only if it doesn't ruin the music though." I laughed and said there'd be no shortage of any of that, anytime soon. They like the one I began last summer, and finally pulled again to work on this week. Pretty ballad called (right now anyway)"I Never Had You."
When Tom asked to see the lyrics, he had a grand idea of what they meant. I was irritated. He was way off. It's about Chris.
"I can't miss- something I never had..."
Anyway, we will see what happens

My comp is going to overheat so I'll leavew this alone for now. BBS.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


God damn it.

This impulsive feeling chased me down today too. What is up Kate? Seriously!

Oh lord. Never mind.

I just switched mindsets.

I popped a Xanax a moment ago. I decided I couldn't take the impulsive shit anymore. I went to the cupboard expecting to take my last pill, and low and behold I had two left. I may try and buy some off a friend this week too when I get cash. If I don't mix them with ambien, they'll last as I haven't taken one in a month.

I needed it right now. I'm glad I saved a couple for emergencies. I was quickly spinning into a bpd episode. My own brain and doubt set me off tonight.

You can reach out for someone, because you're lonely. If you're me, and it's not the exact person you want, it doesn't help. Fucked up dude.

I'd go into right now, but I'll wait til the next entry. I'm gunna lay down soon, and listen to This American Life.

Monday, July 27, 2009

The Woods

"Alone." My brain whispered quietly today.
"Alone alone."
"You're going to be alone."
Shut up brain, I thought to myself. I've been through this before.
The day before. The feeling separated from the one that can save.
The day of, sitting there alone.
Alone, alone, alone.
I took a deep breath. I smiled at Johnny. I didn't let my face betray me.
I kept the rushing tide of emotion down long enough to wish him a good day, tell him I loved him, and kissed him goodbye before work.
Then I got into my car.
I imagined driving into traffic. Going on a bender. I imagined throwing myself off a building. I imagined all kinds of ways to hurt myself. I had no control over my thoughts. Just my actions.
I had told Ali I may stop by, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Amber has this theory about how much energy you expend to hang out with different people. I got it, but never agreed with it fully. I did today though. I came home.
My Dad got home right after me. He gave me a big hug, I was excited to see him. He wasn't home for long though. He asked if I'd be ok. I nodded. No more impulsive shit running through my mind. He promised we'd do dinner, and talk tomorrow.

I called Frank back, he asked if I wanted to come over. I thought about it, considering I wanted to just stay home and write for awhile. He said we could do later. I agreed. Frank doesn't require energy, as he doesn't expect anything from me. Made myself some lunch and laid down after. My exhaustion took me out in a matter of minutes, for once. My pain level today was lower than in has been any day in the last month. I took only 200mg of ibuprofen. I woke up strangely. It was like I could feel a breath moving through my whole body, finally exiting out my left arm and opened my eyes. Still, no noticeable pain.
Perhaps a moment of calm before the storm.

When I got to Frank's his cat Suni, (who is my fav cat besides Neo, who lives with my ex Dean) was waiting for me. I called him inside and he came, rubbing against my leg. "He doesn't do that for anyone but you, you know" Frank said. I smiled.
"Good kitty." I said, scratching his face while he purred. "Good kitty" I whispered again, where Frank couldn't hear.
We barbecued steak outside, while the sunset. I breathed in the pine scent, and wiped my hair from my face.
"You look like you have a lot on your mind" he said.
"I'm ok. Just a little tired." I looked away.

The meal was excellent. Frank has great sensibilities when it comes to food. I asked him to let me watch the finale of a show I've been watching. Completely white trash dating show, I never wanted to get into- but somehow got sucked in, because I knew one of the would be contestants.
It ended as I thought it would.

We talked for awhile, Frank and I. Covered some deep topics. None of what was on the forefront of my mind. But still, I hope he's in my life for a time. I have something to teach him about friendship I believe... Meanwhile, he has loads to teach me.

I stayed until I started having allergies. Scratched Suni goodbye, gave Frank a hug and thanked him for the evening. Driving home I listened to VAST for the millionth time. "Lady Of Dreams" a lyric-less tune on repeat. Now I write you, waiting on the Benadryl to kick in. Waiting on tomorrow. Waiting on news.

Facebook keeps asking me if I want to friend Chris. It pops up there, taunting me. "Friend?" We were once, weren't we? "7 mutual friends." Against my will I dreamed of him again two nights ago.

I blame facebook.

The dream included his new(er) girlfriend. She told me he'd been cheating on me, even through the last of it. In my dream, I was satisfied. I told him we would never be together again. Then I dreamed of Johnny. We were walking through the woods. Holding hands. He leaned in and put his hand on my head the way he does, and I closed my eyes, living in that moment. "It's gunna be ok Kitten." Then he faded and I was in the woods alone. I woke up next to him, he was sleeping very close, on my pillow. I touched his neck and went back to sleep myself.

I out of sheer morbid curiosity want to know what Chris' page says. Maybe some part of me always will. But I've had to put that away. Promised myself I didn't want to talk to or see him again. I tell myself repeatedly I hate him for what he did to me.

But I don't.

I do wish, after time, we could be friends. But this will never be, and why I wish this I don't know. He didn't care whether I was dead or alive. Still doesn't. I miss my friend. I miss nothing else.

I'm tired. I hope the woods are waiting for me tonight too.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

First Kiss Chris

I find it funny that Chris' have come to be so much trouble in my life. This is the story of the first Chris.

Chris Robinette was older. Rebellious. Went to a different school. His hair was dyed blue. I'm not sure entirely why I liked him. Probably because he liked me. It's odd now, but I can't remember how we met. We had nothing in common. My parents hated him. I suppose at the time that was just a bonus. We had hung out maybe once before this day. It was getting late, and Chris had to walk home the 2.5 miles. Sometimes he skateboarded, but that day he walked. I offered to walk him part of the way, to the edge of the neighborhood. We held hands as we walked, igniting my soul on fire with feelings I didn't fully grasp at the time. When we reached the edge. He leaned into me. He was much taller, I believe a foot, so it looked like an odd gesture I'm sure. "Oh my god he wants to kiss me" my brain fired at me. I hesitated for a split second thinking "why does he want to kiss me?" Then thought better of it and leaned in too.
It wasn't a bad kiss, for a first kiss. No teeth bumping, or weird lips. It went quickly. Then I said "ok bye!" and speedily began walking the other direction. Smiling to myself the whole way home. My mom was waiting for me in the living room, and saw my expression.
"Did he kiss you?" she asked.
I nodded and smiled wider.
"Was it your first kiss?"
"My first real kiss, yeah." (I'd kissed the next door neighbor boy loads at age 5-10.)

Chris was the first person who ever touched me in a sexual way too. It made me uncomfortable at the time, but a little excited. I'm not sure anyone knows that.
All hell, however, was about to break loose.

My parents didn't want me seeing Chris as often as I was. They didn't get that he was the only person in my whole life who had ever made me feel beautiful. They didn't get that we had to work to see each other so our time was special. So one night, fed up, I told him to leave when they kicked him out, hide in the backyard, and I'd sneak him back in the house through a basement window. In my 15 year old mind this was the only option. We'd decided to be 'together.' That night went off without a hitch. He stayed til midnight, and left when I got tired. The insomnia wasn't crippling at that point, but still existed.
This happened a couple more times. But as all teenage plans go awry, soon, my sister and her friend Elizabeth caught us. I begged her not to tell. She was so pissed off at me. Mom suddenly got suspicious as we were all in the unfinished basement, where there was little entertainment. Carrie, for the only time ever, bless her heart for this once, covered for me. I didn't get caught.

She did however tattle on me the next week. When my parents found out they yelled at both of us. Said they could never trust me again. I don't believe they've ever really gotten over this. Chris and I after the verbal lashing, the grounding, the calling of his parents (who didn't care btw) and the tears couldn't make our little escapade last. He got interested in another girl, less drama than what had happened with me. He was gone by summer. My first broken heart. Never saw from or heard from him again.

For a long time this could be considered the worst I'd done. I wasn't sneaking him in for sex. More for companionship while I couldn't sleep. I wanted him around for validation I wasn't getting anywhere else, and wouldn't again until I met Josh at 17. But he was the most trouble I'd had with a boy. Until the next Chris. By that time sex WAS in the picture, making things much more complicated and messy. I wasn't a kid dealing with fledgling feelings, I was a woman dealing with a man's affairs and the most in love I've ever been. Oiy, I've spoken all about that.

Do I deserve to be with someone who treats me well? I don't get to say. I'm not in charge. I do however, have someone who treats me with respect, considers my feelings, and for all intensive purposes I know isn't cheating on me. We have things in common, and we haven't fought yet. There is none of the flaring passion caused by anger and mistrust as much as it is by love- But there is a lovely steady glow of ember that I am content to warm my heart by for as long as I'm allowed. I'm happy to say even though he's a Sagittarius (the ones I'm crazy about always are) he isn't a Chris. And that's probably a very good thing based on my past experiences with them.

Friday, July 24, 2009


Listening to some rock Celtic music Bevin sent me over email ages ago, I haven't had a chance to get to. She always picks stuff I like, and I'm pretty sure it goes the same for her.
I'm at J's right now. I stayed here while he went to work today.

I haven't done that, except once when he had a break. and then I went home. I'm killing time til he gets back here, which should be in about ten minutes.

So I thought maybe I'd write about a memory.

When I was in the sixth grade, we had a teacher named Mrs. McNeal. She was crazy, dude. Bad makeup, unkempt red hair. She tried hard, poor thing, but so much that went on went over her head. That year was the hardest in my school career I believe.
That year though, would be my introduction to debate. She would introduce me. As we began to learn about the affirmative and negative sides to an argument I was engrossed. The topic that year nationally was wildlife conservation or something to do with wildlife. I can't remember precisely now. I wanted very much to be on the affirmative side, as you can only debate one when you're that young due to rules. I got what I wanted. I was teamed up with a boy from my class called Robin. I grew to have a crush on him, but I was already boy crazy at the time.
The only difference between now and then, is that now boys are kind of crazy about me too. Odd. Never in a million years growing up would have ever thought I'd say that.

So we worked diligently. I researched, and practiced, and when all was said and done, we were the "winners" of the whole class for the affirmative side. Mrs. McNeal sent us on to district. I loved the recognition. I loved that for once, I had worked so hard and it had gotten me something. At that point in my life, everything I put effort into seemed to fail me somehow.
District came and we rocked. Did really well again, and were sent to state. Won a little trophy. There's nothing past state for children that young in the program.

The next year I did the same, this time with a partner named Brandon. Being that we were in the seventh grade now, different rules applied and we had to make arguments for both the affirmative and the negative side. Even more work. Brandon wasn't as gung ho as Robin was at learning the information, and research. But he was good. Good enough to get us to district again, past a whole class of other debaters, this time only two teams went, and we were one.

The Friday before the Saturday of the competition I accidentally left the debate stuff in my locker. When Saturday rolled around, and went to get my stuff I didn't have it. My parents and I ran to the school quickly to get me into my locker to get my information, and we made it to the competition in the nick of time. I was frazzled. I wasn't ready.

Umm, I don't do stress well AT ALL. Having been diagnosed with PTSD as well years later, I break down in situations like that. Where I feel out of control, useless, stupid. It's not always related to replaying memories, and such. But the stress almost triggers memories, which sends me into an episode, if that makes sense.

Well, we did well at district even through the setback. We were sent to state, but the second time we weren't as on our game. The opponents were much harder. One girl spoke so fast you couldn't hear the arguments she was making. So they won. First nick. Second nick were these super smart Asian kids whose debate was based on something barely on topic so we couldn't fight with arguments related entirely. They should have lost on that fact, but the judges passed em. We didn't take state.

But I'm still proud of that small accomplishment. To this day the only thing I've worked that hard on gotten a reward from, personally, is music. I hope I can find something else as well.

Ahh, I've rediscovered Pandora. Damn I love it. Why do I forget about it except when I'm doing E for a playlist? Id discover all kinds of lovely music I bet. I'm tuned into the E.S Posthumous station which is amazing, and if you haven't heard of them you simply must. They move you. May I suggest the song Nara? :)

Ok, Johnny should be home any minute. I'm gunna go now. Stay well.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009


And days of your wind
I was always right
And there was time to count the stars
Crashing down at night
I would hold you
Just like you were mine
and watch you slowly slip away
with the morning light

You were golden
you were on the rise
Burning with an urgency
I could not deny
Said the world was yours
And you were mine
Flew to meet your glory
And let me fall behind...

Don't you know?
I see it in your eyes
You can't let my gravity
And pull you down tonight
I know that I'm getting through
I know that I'm killing you

And as the days grew long
I knew the sign
You could hang forever on
Nothing but the night
Formed an orbit
I can not decline
Sure of my disaster
But never more alive

Don't you know?
I see it in your eyes
You can't let my gravity
And pull you down tonight
I know that I'm getting through
I know that I'm killing you

Don't you know?
I see it in your eyes
You can't let my gravity
And pull you down inside
I know that I'm getting through
Know that it's killing you
Know that you're coming true...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Victim of the panel

Tonight was the victims panel. I had a couple thoughts.

First of all when I got there I was wearing my Jager wrist band. I didn't realize it. I switched it out before the thing started. I didn't want to be completely downright disrespectful.

I was in tons of pain tonight going in. It was fairly obvious I think the way I was fidgeting in my chair and such. Sitting in that chair for an extended period of time made me realize how much pain I'm in at home, how many ibuprofen and such I take. Probably contributes to my drinking as well.

I was on edge going in to this. Just guard up. Don't fuck with me. I'm not gunna let this get to me that deeply, cuz I know your plan and I've prepared for it mentally. They made us sit in a small cluster even though there were tons of chairs. They pulled all the stops out on making it an intimate environment. (Well, for a jury selection room.) I smartly, chose the first row on the end. I didn't have anyone on my right side, which probably would have set me off into a claustrophobic episode, so my instincts led me well. They announced anyone displaying 'rude' body language would be kicked out. This of course, made me more hostile. I hate fucking people telling me what to do. Not to mention the books I've been reading lately are about body language. So then I got paranoid everyone in the room would interpret my pain as rudeness.

Eventually the first lady started talking. She got to me. She killed her daughter. Her story was pretty effective.
The second lady was effective in the sense that her son killed himself in a mess of 130pmh drunk into private property. She was listing all the bills, plus she got sued. Dude... If I ever did that to my Dad...

Anyway, my mood isn't bad currently. Not like it was yesterday where I was pissy and shit. But there was sort of a cloud driving home and such. I'm looking forward to seeing Johnny. I'm happy that this shit is done now. I'll do what I have to do to pay my dad back for the fines and shit, but no more schedule stuff. It's not hanging over me anymore. I just gotta stay out of trouble for another year.

Let's just cause the kind of trouble that doesn't get us arrested. And that's J texting. Mr Blue Eyes! Yay! I'm out!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Off Topic

Mmm. I was gunna write about a good memory, but I'm in a roller coaster mood today, and up til and hour ago I was feeling downright bitchy. I'm ok now. I just smoked a cigarette. I'm not ok that my moods are now related to those cancer sticks though, and that I had to pay 7.25 for them. I have got to quit doing that.

In other news I am SO FRUSTRATED with my brain right now. Good lord. I can't remember any new information I put in my brain it seems, and I can't keep my attention on anything for longer than a couple seconds. Seriously. I'm embarrassed by it. I must come off as a complete ditz to people I'm just meeting. My brain isn't filling in the holes with stories or anything, but I think back to something someone has said earlier that day and it's fucking gone.
On top of this I run my words together when I'm completely sober. I put words in where they shouldn't be, and sometimes I have to pause to get my sentences right. The only time this doesn't happen, is when I'm writing. I don't think the same way when I'm writing.
Part of me thinks this is just a.d.d, but this hasn't happened like this ever. It's been progressively getting worse for the last two weeks. I remember what a.d.d was like. It wasn't really like this. I ...

Like THERE! I just got distracted from writing by thinking about, well, sex. That's another thing! I'm as bad as a teenage boy these days as well. It's not like I'm not getting enough either. I am! But it keeps popping up at the most weird times. I'll go so far as to say I don't think about anyone but my boyfriend these days (I wonder if that means I'm maturing) but I won't go into details. I wonder if I just write about sex and drugs in here if that's more exciting? I wonder if that would give the impression that my life is more exciting? Gah!

Anyway, yeah, I have to do something about this. Honestly.

As much as I think about it, I get offput by the guys that have just done the pressure with sex thing. I know tons of them that as soon as the option for that isn't there, they aren't interested in even being your friend. George was one, Simon for sure, even Alastair has been making noises that are making me a touch uncomfortable lately. This is weird to me too, because seven years ago I would have done anything to have him make noises at me like that. No I look at him like, huh? I know you're not interested in getting back with me, I'm certainly not interested in getting back with you. So what's the deal? Forbidden fruit shit? You can hug me hello and goodbye, but you know damn well that's where it ends. He called today asking if I'd go out. I turned him down. Motly cuz of the victims panel I have to do tomorrow, but partly because I was wondering what he was thinking. I don't want to think about it too much. I did say something to him last time. I think I am more hard on exs.

I don't know how it happened, but I got "high" off the ambien last night. Ive made the connection if I start feeling "high" on it before I zonk out, I do crazy shit. The only crazy thing I did yesterday though, was scatter my tarot cards and eat some comfort food. The "high" I put in quotations because you can't even tell it's a high. It's sort of a weird emotional comfort, yet sad and lonely feeling. So, it's sort of a jip. I'll take that amazing calm on Xanax over it anyday.
I miss Xanax. I've thought about writing a poem about it. That's how much I love it. But no more til fall.

Ok better log off now. I'll be more positive in the next entry, and less introspective.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Without J, a night away

Night away from Johnny.

Another odd realization Thursday night- For the first time, now that I'm used to it, now that I'm there pretty much every other night- I'm sleeping more through the night. Not better necessarily, but I don't wake up as much. Also, when he goes to bed, I'd say 85% of the time now, I fall asleep soon after he does.
Ok, this says a couple things to me. One, that perhaps a small percentage of my falling asleep issues deals with being alone. Not just alone actually, being insecure in myself, and in the person I'm sleeping next to. I like sleeping next to him. Weird weird weird. Can't stress this enough as it's never happened before. However, it's only a small percentage as the sleep study has said there's evidence of physical stuff going on, as the doctors have agreed. All the bullshit. But he makes it easier.
Anyway Thursday I was laying around, and dammit, for the first time at night I really missed him. Wished I were there. It wasn't a concept. It was real. Graduating, it seems, into a new phase.

I'm gunna keep going on other observations as this is my blog, and if I bore you with all the J talk, you can tune out. Leave me a comment that says you're sick of it and I'll change topics for a blog or two. Heh.

We had our first conversation as what I would call 'friends' Wed night. We started talking at the first bar and he brought up an ex of his. I've been careful not to bring up this topic. I can tell from his lyrics, his lack of communication on the topic, and a few other factors that he has been fucked over royally by chicks. I've tried to be sensitive to this fact. But he brought it up so we gabbed about it for awhile. Then we switched to music, at our second stop. We were motormouths sharing stories about meeting idols, and how Muse is hit or miss, and a lot of other shit. I was happy. It continued through the night.

Thursday he was mentioning how his hair was too long and he wanted it cut and such. So I offered to help while I was there, and he took me up on it. It's the first time I cut a human head, normally I do dogs. After that I left. I loved his hair before. But since he's cut it I have my hand on his head all the time, scratching it, trying to make it feel good. :) He's a very good looking boy.

Last night we went and saw Bruno. It was our first "date" as a date, and not just hanging at a bar. Which have all been really fun, but it's different for us. This week, seeing him Sunday, Tues-Thurs and Sat into today (god that feels like ages ago right now) that is crazy beautiful to me. We had a friend like conversation, and a real date. This week we've made leaps and bounds into more of a normal thing. I like it. More than I thought I would.

I switched up my hair. Chopped it off. Dyed it back to my fav red again. It's unlike a red I've ever dyed it though. I've gotten lots of compliments on it, but I'm keeping it under wraps for right now. Just for now. Pics on my other sites later. I'm unsure why I'm doing this. But I am.

Found out about 2 tours I'm super excited for. Moby and Levi Weaver.

I'm ready to go lay down now I think. Perhaps my next entry will be another memory of mine. Maybe I'll try for a good one. Here's a mental list as a reminder for me later.

State Debate, Britney Spears cover, Beach days with Dad, Freaknight 08, Florida, Some of the others I've written about I think. My birthday this year is one. :) Rolling the first time with Chris. Getting Mufasa. Getting my little Maxy. Cooking well for the first time. Losing weight the healthy way. Hearing my first song ever recorded on my stereo. Getting the letter about the jingle work. Getting the callback for the girl group. Getting the promotion at Camel.

I even want to write a blog about the good memories with Chris eventually, because everything that pops to mind immediately when it comes to him is negative. I don't want to remember someone I once referred to as the love of my life that way. Someone I wanted to marry that way. When he was with you he made you feel the world was wonderful. You were special. In love.
Now he's dead in my mind. Wow, it feels so distant right now... I can't believe it feels that way. I never thought it would...

Ok continued in my next.

PS- Thanks for the email Syd! Sorry I didn't get it til after the show! I feel so bad! However there's another show on Thursday this week if you're free. Get back to me here, or over email. :) You rock.

PS- Shane, hope you're doing ok. Think about you often.

PS- Nikitta I haven't heard from you in ages. You alive? I am seriously worried about you.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Thoughts after night terror

I'm at Johnny's. It's 11:30 am. Not 5. Not 7. That means I've slept with only a couple interruptions that I was able to go back to sleep for, and get up 7 hours later.

Holy shit.

That's never happened with a guy I've spent the night with. (all 4 of them.) Ever. Granted the ambien helps...

I'm also shocked as hell I haven't done anything insane while on ambien here. I haven't even taken more than one pill round him.

I've slept with more guys than I care to count. I think that sleeping next to someone is deeper still. That's why it hasn't happened often. Alastair, Mason, Chris, and Johnny.

This makes me ponder. Why did it happen so early with J? Why did I trust him, and that part in me to start being next to him? That is completely unlike me. Alastair was done out of necessity at first, because I couldn't catch the ferry back to the island after seeing him.
Mason had insomnia too, rivaling mine. However, I believe his was due to crack and not health shit. We didn't sleep a whole lot together, but laid around keeping each other company through the night.

Here's another tidbit I realize I've never told anyone... When the rape at the party happened, it was 2 days before Mase and I got together. When I started having morning sickness, I'd occasionally wake him up to go puke. He never said anything about it. I wonder if he knew what was up, and just hoped it wasn't his. It wouldn't have been. We were nazis about condoms. He because of his schizophrenic paranoia, and me because at that point in time I was scared straight.

Sleeping next to Chris until the last 3 months we were together was incredibly rare. He couldn't stat at my place because of his wife at home. I couldn't stay at his for that reason, and his bed wouldn't allow for it.

I think maybe that's why it was hard at the end of it all... The last 3 months we were practically living together. I'd let him take my car to work, he'd come home, we'd eat. Talk, normal everyday boring shit. Cept it wasn't boring. It was beautiful. Then he'd go to sleep and I'd watch tv til morning when he'd get up, and I'd then get a couple of hours in. There was no cocaine at the end. No running off to be anywhere he couldn't tell me. I didn't trust him mind you, but I think he was really trying to be a better man at the end. It couldn't last. I went to Portland. He went to Jaecee.

The other thing I suppose to include in this entry is I had a night terror last night. A real live fucking woke me up shaking and shit night terror. The image itself was retarded. But it was a presence in my dream that surprised me, from the direction it came and such.
I made sure I was touching J a little for the rest of the night. Also fucking rare.
I went right back to slep though.

After bombarding you with the last entry, I figured I'll keep this one short. J's awake now anyway and I need a soda or something.

Sweet sleep to all of you.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


As often is the case, I read something of Shane's and it inspires a memory of mine, or something to blog about. So today, before I lay down again, I'll write of Petey.

When I moved into the Hidden Valley Bluff neighborhood of Salt Lake City Utah when I was ten, I didn't realize this was going to be the hardest period in my life. I had loved living in Oregon, and was sad to leave my friends and such. However, I was moving closer to my grandparents who were my favorite people in the world at that time. It seemed like It'd be ok.
The neighborhood was perfect suburbia for raising children. So much so we had polygamists living just down the street. My mom bought into that perfect neighborhood crap, and that's where we ended up. Over time I got to know the kids in the neighborhood. All of them boys, which suited me fine as I was already carving out a tentative persona as a tomboy. I began rollerblading everyday for hours. The boys in the neighborhood all skateboarded. Ricky I had a major crush on, but there was also Luke, Brett, Tim, Mike T, Mike N, Caleb, Scott, and others I'm forgetting now. Most importantly of this ragtag group of boys was Michael Peters.

Michael wasn't cool. He looked a little different, and he was sort of spastic. I liked him though. We all hung out together, when they weren't making fun of me, and though Michael wouldn't stick up for me, when he was around they sort of let me be, without the usual ribbing.
In school I soon became an undesirable, as I wasn't Mormon. I wasn't allowed to play with most of the kids. The girls didn't like me because I wasn't into girlie things, and didn't like the click attitude even at that age. I didn't buy into it.
I had been really "popular" at the school in Oregon. I'd won 'most friendly' awards and such, and 'student of the month' a number of times. At my new school I was a leper. So I began to read a lot more than I had before to occupy my mind and time. I slowly grew into a geeky persona, watching Star Trek with my Dad when he was home from traveling, and reading anything I could get my hands on. My glasses didn't help. I thought writing music could save me, but when I scored in the 98th percentile on my sat's my fate was sealed, as they made an announcement about it. I was a smart, socially awkward, nonmormon tomboy.

Michael apparently liked me just the way I was.

We all switched into middle school, and my reputation hadn't changed. I'd just become depressed on top of it too. My life at school was shit as I was getting teased every day, and my life at home was shit because my mom made it impossible. But I'd escape to the parking lot of ward near our house with my walkman blaring, and skate til I couldn't breathe anymore. Michael was tracking me down outside more and more.

One day, probably in August, the boys skated up to me while I was working on a 180 off a ramp.
"Do you like Petey?" They asked. I stopped and put my head between my legs. "Sure, he's nice enough."
"Well, he really likes you, he wants to ask you out." I looked up still out of breath.
"Well if he wants to ask me out, he needs to be a man about it and come ask me himself."
A round of oooooooooooo's went up, then laughter, and they skated off towards where he was hanging on the other side of the parking lot. I went back to my Britney Spears song and circled the lot again, preparing for the next jump. I was going to impress Ricky if it killed me.
Soon Michael Peters, Petey, walked over to me.
"So, uuuuh, you wanna go out with me?"
I thought about it, probably for too long. I'd 'gone out' with boys before. None that I really fancied. The ones that I liked never liked me back. It had been a couple months since I had 'dated' annyone, so I said "sure." Thinking in my 12 year old mind that it would probably make him happy and not hurt me.
He ran back to his friends screaming "guys! she said YEEEEEEEESSSSS!"

For the next two months we wrote notes to each other, and held hands. That's, of course, the extent of going out in middle school.
Pretty soon the first dance rolled around. The Halloween dance. Michael asked me to go, and I said yes. It was fitting. I don't remember what I wore exactly, but he wore the costume from "Scream." We spent the dance with our little group of friends, and finally after it ended he offered to walk me home.

As we walked we talked, and then there was the moment... Where I looked at my hand in his as we were walking, and I crushed on him back. I will always remember that walk home. Before Halloween. The best memory I have of him.

Sometime in December though, I got bored. He wasn't paying enough attention to me, and I was just discovering the joys of flirting and being a silly teenage girl.
So I broke up with him. I don't remember how, or details but I hope I was tactful.
Christmas break was spent mostly indoors, on the phone I'm sure. But I believe he stopped by once to give me a Christmas present.

January 12th he called and asked if he could come over. I said sure. So we talked for awhile, and hung out. When it was time for him to go he looked at me, with a look I'll never forget and said "can't we just go out again?" I wish I could have known then. I would have said something different. I don't know...
Anyway I responded with "I don't know. Let me think about it." I didn't honestly have any real intention of getting together again. But I didn't know how to answer, and I didn't want to just then. I feel like an asshole.

January 13th the phone rings at my house.It's Petey's brother Brett. They haven't seen Michael since he left for our place yesterday. Did he leave? Where did he go? My sister spoke to him. I was getting ready to meet up at a skating rink (my whole life wasn't it practically?) with my friends Laura and Megan.

Two hours into our skating session, I saw my mom at the doorway. My mom never walked into the rink. she hated it. I knew it was serious. I skated over to her and asked what was wrong. She said let's go home and we'll talk. Get your friends. I said no, mom, you're scaring me. What's wrong. She looked me in the eyes and said "Katie, Michael Peters is dead."

I just looked at her.

Laura skated over just then and asked what was up. I looked at her and said "Michael's dead."
She burst into a sobbing fit on my shoulder just then. I couldn't cry yet.

When I got to the car the tears began. I felt serious mourning for the first time in my life. It rocked my world to the core, and I truly believe this was one of the defining experiences of my life.

Michael had been in the gully where we had all played. There was a rope that swung. I was told it was an accident by my mother. I've come to believe now it was not. The timing... The circumstances... I mean, it's pretty hard to get a rope caught round your neck accidentally like that, isn't it? Maybe I wanted to lie to myself. I'm sure I contributed to his mental state. I am forever shaded by this...

There was an open casket. My first friend I saw in that state. He didn't even look the same. What is it about dead bodies? Why do they look so different, even though they don't? It's so weird. Haunting.

Hmm, I've begun crying as I'm written this. I apparently haven't worked through this all yet...

Luke whispered to me, before I went to see the body "you can still see the rope marks in his neck."

You could too. I wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't said anything.

I left them there, as they went to the gravesite. I went home. I went to my room. In my ignorance, I cried. I cried for years after when I thought about it. I had dreams where he'd visit me, and wake up to find it was a cruel trick. Those have stopped now though.

Now my friends pass on, almost in regular fashion. Suicide, cancer, accidents... It never gets easier, but it's never quite the shock Petey's death was.

I miss my friend. And I apologize to him. I hope he knows my truest feelings in my heart. It's never fully mended.

Sunday, July 12, 2009


Holy shit did I wake up sick today. I actually cried a little. It was that bad. I'm no pussy either. I'm making myself a potato, which is you know, not good for my diet exactly, but much needed comfort food as I am just... Not even well. I was up for a long while this morning not sleeping.

I spent the night at Blue Eyes', he was incredibly sweet and rubbed my back for a minute this morning. That actually helped quite a bit for a little while.

Now I'm waiting for my ambien to kick in so I can sleep off a little of this illness, hopefully.

I have new bruises on my body. I'm not sure from what again. I wasn't doing anything to cause them. So, sigh, that means it's time for another doctor's visit. It's possible all the ibuprofen has something to do with it, actually though I can't remember the explanation I was given. I've taken 2000 milligrams today alone. I'll have to switch to Tylenol. (One is processed through the liver, and one the kidneys. I've been told I have to switch off because it will ruin them with as much as I'm to take.)

I haven't been listening to anything but upbeat music for awhile now, but driving home from Seattle I tossed on some of my fav sad and slower songs, as my vibe was well, sick, and in no mood for The Dreaming, AAR, or Korn. I hate to say it, but not even in the mood for The Rasmus. I'm not depressed mind you. I just need something to pacify me for now. I have to say it was nice to hear them again.

I puked the other morning too. I guess I'm just going through a rough patch health wise.

I wish I had Xanax.

I'm fading so it's bed time. I'll write more later. Take care.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Should be readying...

So I'm trying to get out the door to go get Michael, to head out for karaoke but I gots shit on my mind I want to write out before I go, or my thoughts will keep spinning and I'll have a huge entry later.

1. I wish I had spoken to a casual drug user, and addict before I ever tried drugs. In real terms. About what effects they had after the fact, and about what they have during and such. Not the d.a.r.e shit they teach you in school.

I wish I had known how long I'd keep doing harmful stuff with it just to keep someone around because some days they loved it more than me.

I know because I am always trying to perfect experience I would've done them anyway.

When I think about the definitions of what *I* believe to be signs I'd be addicted to something, not in general terms, I suppose I wasn't. I never did it alone. I never spent all my money on it. Hell, I could never be an addict anyway, I couldn't afford it. When I felt it was becoming a problem I quit doing it on a regular basis. Last time I fucking did coke in May the thought occurred to me that that could be my last time, and I wouldn't really care. The driving home after was a nightmare.

So I drink kind of much. But I don't think I'm an alcoholic either. The physical stuff isn't there, and my last REALLY nasty hangover was when the night Simon and I ended up at Chapel. The next day I was quite sick, but by evening was excited to see him again so I quit puking and went. That was what, January? Can't remember exactly. I would've had one that Friday after the Spine and Michael Jackson tribute, cept I tossed the poison out the night before, so the next day I didn't have to deal with it.

2. There was a time I wasn't thinking about Chris all that much. That was from thinking about him everyday and feeling that twinge of pain, occasionally gut wrenching pain for the first couple months I was here. Then it tapered off. Now I'm thinking about him at least once a day again and curious as to why. Perhaps it's because there was no closure. Or I keep trying to analyze every shred of things in that relationship so I don't do the same shit with Johnny. I think about Johnny all the freaking time. It's unreal.

I believe I have 7 friends of Chris' and I mutually on facebook, I'm still in contact with regularly. I wonder if some of it has to do with the bonding we did on X, as most if not all of his friends enjoy the love drug. I see that crew every time I'm back in SLC more or less.
I have 4 friends of Johnny's. (I think.) No maybe more... I don't keep a regular repertoire with any of them but Amber though, I'd like to be closer to Gar.

I was pondering how my boyfriends friends cross pollinate while mine generally don't. I suppose that's true with any crew I hook up with though. Like with Ian's close friends. Those were my best friends before I left SLC, and now I hardly speak with them. But Ian never really got close with mine either. He was never a boyfriend, obviously lol. (Well, my gay boyfriend I'd die for! lol.) Just thoughts.

3. I hope someday I can find someone who understands crime, and can talk theory and debate ideas with me on it. Psychology or otherwise. I'd sure like that knowledge not to sit in the attic forever. Maybe I should just join an antisocial personality disorder forum, cept then I'd have to actually talk to people with it, and that's dangerous without proper training. I'm no pro yet.

4. 12 is too early to audition for a band. They're mostly on unemployment right now for a good reason. They should know better. Tsk tsk.

5. Michael tonight, Possible band mates, Katie and Johnny tomorrow, Amber Sunday, Frank Monday. I'm a social creature. I sometimes think having my Gemini in north node means I'm meant to be the communicator for people, and not just in work.

6. Chatty Kathy (whose real name Ive forgotten) stopped by with her daughter with perfect timing to ruin my workout this afternoon. Sigh. She can't take a hint. I hate to be an asshole, but she is probably the most unfortunate looking woman I've ever met. Anyway she asks me for money, then beer, then when I say I gotta go she fucking KEEPS TALKING. How long do I have to be nice at that? You can tell by the expression on my face that I've tuned out I'm sure. I can get pretty vacant looking. Her daughter thinks I'M crazy. Hah. I have enthusiasm. Gusto. I am not fucking crazy. After she stopped by I was no longer in the mood to do cardio. I came back in to talk to Johnny for a good 30 minutes. I will try again Sunday night I s'pose.

7. I need to go. Michael is waiting on me, and I'm just too damn comfy on this couch to get ready. Procrastination is a horrible habit of mine.

8. Before I go, I'm in a very happy place with Johnny. :)

9. I'll write more later tonight no doubt.


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

O stupidity and the flux

Yesterday started late again. I didn't get to sleep until ten am. Then I woke up round 5:45 in the evening. I wasn't as sluggish as the day before, but my body was screaming at me. The headache behind my eyes wasn't being kind. But as I drug my ass to the kitchen my Dad looked up concerned. He knows when I start waking up in the evenings its a bad sign. The only time it's happened when I wasn't sick or getting sick was when I was doing blow. He doesn't know about that however.
I had made plans with Amber, so I popped some ibuprofen and hopped in the shower. When I got out Dad asked how things with Johnny were going. I said they were better than before, but I was concerned about his actual feelings for me. I sat down by his leg and we talked for a few minutes. I said Johnny had made some noises about being ok with meeting him. He said to make sure J and I were stable before that. He also said some guys just have a hard time saying I love you. I thought about that. He says I love you just fine. Something I hadn't mentioned to anyone before though, was that he always looked away or blinked or something.
Well, I got a book I've been reading on body language and some of it seems kind of like, whatever. But some of it is definitely right on. Parts about eye contact, lying, and attraction seem to be fairly accurate. J never once looked me in the eyes when he said it. It bothered me. Though his body language says he's attracted to me heh.

So I left the house feeling a little sick, considering what my Dad had said and considering what my friend Thomas had said. Thomas is someone I am fond of, but we've never met. He is in Japan deported from the army, but he's from WA normally. We began speaking in January and sort of was on and off, til we exchanged facebooks and now we speak pretty much everyday. Anyway, we talked most of the morning, partly contributing to my later bedtime. We spoke of many things. But he gave me wise advice on my situation (everyone has heh you think I'd be over it by now!) and let me know officially he was quote "in crush" with me, and if J and I ever broke up he'd pursue me, but was a gentleman about it. Very sweet.

So I get to Amber's and my headspace is a little fuzzy. I'm going back and forth almost by the minute thinking about Johnny. Same old shit. Except I've got my defenses up. Contributing to this particular headspace is the fact that I have court the next day for neglecting something on my probation. I'm more concerned about getting up on time than actually what will happen in court. So I'm just edgy, and Johnny hasn't texted all day. We're supposed to have plans around 10, but I'm not sure if they are in stone, not having heard from him. So I begin playing around with her keyboard, and recording equipment. She read me some lyrics and we talked.
When we made some nachos for dinner the topic turned to Johnny and I.
She told me of the conversation they had had before Johnny made the decision to be with me. No fire, no passion. No she's amazing! I really don't want to lose her! His exact words apparently were "I'm going to give it an honest try."

He conceded to be with me.

At that point my defenses went way up. Still thinking of him as a concept I was trying not to care. Knowing I wouldn't break up with him that night or anything, but seriously, seriously doubting he was in love with me. And knowing for my own sanity I'd have to end it soon because otherwise I'd just feel more for him and get much more hurt. Dammit, why I didn't repeat this to myself more often when we were just dating I don't know. The more I feel the harder I hurt.
J finally texted around 10:30 and I left Amber's at 11 for his place.

He looked so God damn good when I got there. His hair is naturally a little curly, and I hadn't seen it like that. He was wearing a shirt we nicknamed 'smeagel.' He has the most beautiful long eyelashes, and lovely blue eyes. (obviously, heh, if you've been reading this far you know that.) It was absolutely breath taking to behold. The way the hair framed his face and stuff.
God, I didn't want to stare, but I wanted to breathe him in and enjoy every second that moment.
I couldn't enjoy it fully as anxiety was eating me. All I could think besides how fucking gorgeous he was, was that I needed a drink. It was the only thing that was gunna calm me down. I realize that this is a sign of alcoholism, when you drink to manage emotions... But it's only happened twice before I think. I wondered if I should tell him what was going on the next day with court and such. I decided no, I was a big girl. I'd handle that burden myself. The only person I've come right out and told face to face was my Dad. Amber read about it in here, so I gave her the details. But I don't have the balls to speak out on this.

Johnny soon offered me wine (thank god he thinks of this stuff before) and I drank the first glass quickly. Umm, I can down wine pretty quickly when I'm in a non sipping mood. Just enough to get me out of my head a little, and less anxious. Then I told him about the band I'm auditioning for Saturday.

(I realize I've neglected to mention this in here. I quit/was fired from my old band after spending 6 months dicking around with no shows, and putting up with minimal participation with me. Got sick of it, skipped a practice, was sacked. Started looking for a new project a couple days ago following what I really want to do: rock/metal. No more classic rock. Landed an audition, seeing what happens...)

We watched our fav show collectively. (Mine is House, his is Star Trek separately, but we always watch King of the Hill together.) We talked back and forth, meanwhile I'm just basking in being near him. In my head repeatedly thinking 'I am ok here. Nothing bad can happen to me here. It's only when I leave.'
I looked at him then and said I love you. And for the first time ever he looked me in the eyes, smiled and said it back. I feel the blood rishing through me. I'm in love at that moment again.

This is where the flux swings again. Back and forth with this boy. I KNOW it's not all me, but I think part of it is. I think Amber was right in saying maybe I just need to be shown love differently. If I think about it, really all I have to offer someone is the time I have left, and my affection. I suppose I can write them songs, or do small favors, but I'm not much to sneeze at when it comes to what I can give a man. How I would like to be feel it back though are simple things, I suppose. Texts every once in awhile, and spontaneous physical affection without being prompted. Hard to get the second one accomplished though, as I'm pretty prone to be sitting in close range generally speaking. Unless of course, I'm sleeping or trying to, then don't fucking touch me. I hate that it's like that, but I can't sleep AT ALL if it's any other way.

The rest of the night went by quickly looking back, until he crawled into bed where I laid next to him for a minute, and somehow he brought up the fact that he had been mugged once. I had no idea that this had ever happened. I told him that was scary, and I understood what that was like sort of. Which lead me into deciding to share my story of Megan's party, that asshole "Tim," the rape, and subsequent abortion. So, he has a piece of my darkness now. It's silly I keep things from him. I don't intentionally, there's just no reason to bring it up. The only reason Chris EVER knew all of my shit was because coke makes you talk like crazy, hell, makes you crazy period. But with Johnny I still treat this like glass. I don't want to break it. Get serious. Spill my guts in that fashion. (That's what this is for heh.)

After talking he asked why I had to leave and I sighed and said something like 'guess I'm gunna share all kinds of shit with you tonight.' I took a deep breath, and shared my foray into stupidity, and the only time I've ever been caught for seriously breaking the law, even if it was BARELY, and even because I was only knicked for not wearing my seatbelt. Fuck dude. When I was done I looked at him and he said 'isn't that something you should tell your boyfriend?'

Boyfriend. What an odd concept.
Boyfriends are long distance people you have feelings for, that eventually betray you by cheating on you. Boyfriends are placemarkers. Boyfriends leave you the second you go through something, even though you've asked them to stay. Boyfriends sometimes steal your keys so you can't leave and shove you around.
Johnny redifines this whole thing. Very, very weird. Still doesn't feel real. He's so much better than all that. Even if he hasn't quite learned all the shit that makes me feel secure, it's a thousand times better than what I've had. Something I hoped for. He doesn't have the charm or charisma Chris had, but there is real substance to him. He isn't a lie. He doesn't fill in my insecurities with lies, and honestly, I like that. I'd rather have them then to be pacified with something fake.

Yes, this is something a boyfriend should know. More to the point, something anyone who thinks they can love me should know. Stuff that will come out in it's own natural course, not searching for stupid topics to connect on while high. I'm getting to the point I want him to know that shit. For once I find solace in the fact I don't think it will scare him off. And more to it, he won't tell his friends as a way to garner sympathy for himself. Damn, respect is a good thing.

I headed home, begrudgingly, knowing I had to be up for court. As I was driving I reached for my phone to set the alarm. Holy shit, I'd left my phone. Johnny was sleeping and I had no way to get it back. We have no clocks in our house due to my insomnia, so this means no alarms. I quickly went through all my options in my head and decided to figure out how to use the computer. Amber was still up and helped me through that, the love, (bless her heart!) and finally after messing with it got it settled. I took my ambien. First night I had my lovely white pills in 3 weeks.

I wrote on facebook, started feeling like reaching for my phone which I know to be a sign that im slipping into ambien zone. My phone of course was at J's. I laid down. I had the thought that maybe cutting would release endorphins and make me sleep faster. I told myself this was insane and the ambien talking. When I came to a little while later though, my arm had angry new marks on it. Dammit! This isn't fair! I don't even use my arms anymore! I wasn't angry or sad or anything when I did that! Now they're there, and I have to explain them if anyone sees them. I don't want to count this as an episode as it wasn't really. I don't think anyone would believe me if I said I had an ambien coma, and managed to do it whilst out. Unless of course, you've witnessed someone first hand in an ambien coma. In that case you may believe me. O STUPIDITY!

This entry is horribly long so to keep you in suspense I'll write about court in my next. :) Be careful kids. With all the drugs.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Drinks for Friends

As I opened my eyes moment ago, I could hear my brain going no! no! no! no! FUCK. We're awake again. After only 3 hours. *sigh* Might as well blog.

I am building up to a whirlwind of something. I started feeling impulsive yesterday again, for no proper reason. I got home after a 24 hour period with Johnny. Towards the end I was edgy from feeling dirty, too hot, and just well, needing to get out of his apartment. He lives in a top apartment in his building, and the temperature I would wager is at least 10- 15 degrees hotter than what it is outside with no air conditioning. I wouldn't be surprised if it was over 90 in there at some points. He has a couple fans set up but I was mostly praying for night to roll around again, so it would cool down a bit. Which means I wasn't appreciating what I had, because something else was on my mind. *Sigh* I broke one of my rules again.

So I called up my good friend Michael when I got home, after my plans with Amber were rescheduled. He asked if we could go out. I said sure! I needed the company, and I enjoy talking to him, and it sounded like my best option for the evening. I promised myself I wouldn't drink til midnight, and could only have one at that, because I want to have a little money left. So I picked him up and we began talking about this girl that he's in love with, that is TOTALLY not good enough for him. We grabbed a table near the front and sat with the bar owner chatting for a bit, and getting a couple songs in. I declared it a practice night and did songs that I haven't done before karaoke. Hoobastank, Foo Fighters, Robyn, a couple others.
At ten minutes to midnight I bought my first vodka sunrise and sat back down sipping gingerly, appreciating the drink. While I was drinking, Michael looked at me and said 'there are you next bachelors' as two rough and tattered men sat down near us. They were obviously in construction or something, and missing teeth. I sort of lifted an eyebrow and said 'yeah?' and smiled. Michael has been around me enough to know that I'm pretty decent at that game...
So eventually, one of them wanders over to me, and begins to talk. I'm cordial. One of the lines out of his mouth is 'you look like my daughter' at which point I look at him and say 'that's a new one. Yeah. Ok.' He asks if I want to dance, and I politely decline. His friend he sat with asks what I'm drinking and wanders off to get drinks. Heh. These guys were pretty wasted as it were. Soon one of them put his knees on the bar stool and started shaking his ass. Poor Michael's head was about level with it, and it was pretty comical. At this point he finally asks me if I have a boyfriend, at which point I smile and say 'yeah' and he can tell by the look on my face I like whoever it is on my mind. He says why isn't he around? I say he's in Seattle, and then he says 'well if you were my girlfriend I'd never want to leave your side.' I say something like, aww that's sweet. And start it on my next drink.

I wonder if these guys know that there's no way I'd jeopardize what I have with Johnny, even through my insecurities about time and such? Johnny is really good looking. He knows it. He has tons of talent and the world at his feet. This poor guy had seen better days. I suppose there's no way he could know without seeing or meeting J, but at the same time there was no way we were in the same league. Sorry to sound vain. I suppose there is something to be said for being lonely, and seeking out someone for conversation.

Anyway, soon Michael starts interacting with us, and I say something about Michael not having a drink, and the dude goes over to buy Michael one. I thought that was noble/cute/funny. I get my male friends drinks from men that are trying to take me home. Hah! It's not the first time it's happened...
So anywayI had a few on the two mates then I ran into Joe, whom I met on his 21st birthday on Dec 22 and did his blowjob shot for him. As I way of saying thanks he bought me a blueberry kamikaze and down the hatch it went.

Point of this pointless entry is I drank enough to be sleepy, so I came home, made some lean cuisine and passed out for three hours. I found the night humerous. Which was good after feeling before like I should dissapear for three days.

I get pills tomorrow thank GOD because my schedule is fucked right now. I'm not in bed til 8 or 9 naturally now, and since I have to be up Wednesday I gotta go to bed earlier Tuesday.

Which is where I'm headed again now, cuz the Benadryl is working. Yay!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Meditation (And deep shit)

So I tossed on "Live Forever" by Moby tonight to lay to, to try and sleep. This is a major meditation song for me. It sounds like life. The process of life and death.
When I meditate I do so in a spiritual way.

I am almost constantly in pain when I try to go down for sleep. I focus on every ache in my body. My leg, my head, my insides. Then as soon as I've done this, I imagine pushing them all away. When I've blackened my mind from the pain, I imagine myself in the ICU room I woke up in last. I imagine opening my eyes and seeing the white orange light. Finally all I focus on is the color of the light. As I make the light go whiter I begin to imagine the house on 17th. My grandparents house where all my happiest memories are. I can see myself in the house again. I'm the most perfect version of myself. My hair long and brown in a way I can never get it in real life. My hips set to their right position. No more acne. Perfect weight- just under 120. I imagine I'm happy the house still engulfed in this white orange light. I wait here til I've absorbed some peace of mind from this mix of memory and imagination. Then I imagine a white blue light coming in through the front window. I move into the light and into the universe. I see stars and pass as quickly as need be til I finally come to rest at a comforting library scene in front of a fireplace where I am greeted by Ethelia, my spirit guide. I sometimes feel like crying, even though I don't. I want to tell her how hard this life was. Why everyone left. Why no one really understood how much I loved them because it seems everyone I love is burdened by me too. She listens. And I imagine hearing her talk, comforting me. Informing me gently of my mistakes and asking why I got lost in some places. I don't really know. She tells me why abandonment played such a key role in this existence. (I don't improvise here. I don't know that answer yet.) I am relieved to hear these things. When I've played this out in my mind I try hard to focus only on blackness and whatever I'm listening to.

Tonight as I played this out, I was laying next to J. I opened my eyes for a moment, and fucking tears came to them. Two tears. The though that dragged them there was simply that in a flash he'll be a memory too. For whatever reason. He'll never know how much I feel for him. And that it's fucked up someone I feel that much for I can't imagine staying in my life forever. Even years don't register as real, because the three I had with Chris went by so quickly. I can't fucking get those back. That feeling back. Not in the exact same way. I can already see how quickly the 5 months with J have gone by. The only person I felt might stay in my life was Josh. Josh IS still in my life, because of Bevin. But not in the way I imagined. Josh hurts to my core to think about because of some shit he's said about me. I loved him more than anyone in the world at one point. He thinks I'm too... what's the word... Appeasing or something. That I try to make everyone happy. That I say things I don't know about or agree with to keep the peace.
Part of this is true.
Jesus though, I used to be so fucking depressed all the time! I was so negative! Every little thing would make me self injure, and I don't know how anyone was able to remain in my life through those times. I was so fucking angry because I couldn't face what my Mom had done. What the assault in the park had done. And no one validated or believed me. When I'd warn people that I was getting to the point of hurting myself, they'd egg me on sometimes. Then I'd cover the marks up, and it was all some big fucking charade or something. I wanted people to see they had hurt me so, but I never actually showed them because of the shame. This became less frequent as the years went by, but it would still occur.

When I moved back to Seattle, I swear to God, the SECOND I saw the Space Needle I rolled down the window and breathed in the air I knew I wasn't going to be the same. Something in me fundamentally changed in that exact moment. My attitude flipped. I became positive. I looked for the bright things. I became agreeable and lost that whole 'fuck you!' thing I'd been doing for so long. The anger wasn't ever present. I became, well, agreeable. I told myself it wasn't healthy to look for love yet, even though I knew somewhere I longed for it. I found the karaoke joint right away, and began meeting people. I dated and seriously crushed on Frank, Taylor, and Aaron. (Oh God, Aaron! Fucking virgins!) But went into it with the mindset of I wasn't looking. I didn't need it. So the crushes went by, and time went on.

Meanwhile people are noticing a difference. My family right away wondered what had gotten into me. I wasn't trying to fight everyone all the time. I was listening to advice. I was... Happy! I was accepting my past rather than questioning it. This was a turn around from the girl Josh dated. So maybe he sees this as becoming "fake" or something. Either way, I'd rather feel as I do now. (Ahem, only two major S.I incidents in a year! 2 Minor. Just FYI.)

Then I met the man of my dreams. (Cheesy, gimme a sec though!) A musician, dark hair, funny, quirky, a little geeky, someone I could go out with, get drunk with, do X with, support, someone who could cook, someone who would watch trash tv instead of sports, someone good in the sack, someone who had a pet, fav food is sushi, someone not religious, blah blah blah... Fuck! He had it ALL! I went to that first show hoping for sparks, and ended up not sleeping with him on night one because I didn't want to be chalked up to a one night stand with this one. Let's be honest here (as I've promised to be in every blog) I'm not exactly a stranger to hooking up on first dates. I have Borderline. So this wasn't unusual per say, but in a sense yes because I found him so god damn desirable. Saying no was hard, but not that hard. I knew I'd sparked an interest, and if nothing else I'd catch another show.

So soon I began falling harder than just a passing fancy, yet I played the game exactly as I was told by "Tough Love." Jump to today here we are. Together. And it still doesn't feel real. I don't feel like he's really mine.

For me being in love is weird. I have moments where I'm in love. Some harder than others. Sometimes when I'm around him, and sometimes when I'm just thinking about him. Sometimes I truly think I'm fucked up. But eventually the moments spread to nearly all the time, then every moment. The moments are spreading. When I think about J, a lot of times it's J as a concept. And it's easy to separate that from how I feel. But I imagine his face, and that changes it from concept to feeling. When I'm away from people I have a hard time feeling connected to them. This was something I was working through with the only therapist who ever fucking got me, Lisa. But then I moved and she stayed in Utah. I haven't turned to therapy here, cuz I haven't felt I needed it. But when I'm away, and he's with Amber (no hating on Amber this shit isn't her fault) I feel disconnected, and want to make another connection. I feel like he's not thinking about me, when sometimes he is. I know because he'll text unexpectedly, or do something nice like buy cheese even though he can't eat it. It's not fair for me to speculate, even though I do. But I'm not a mind reader.

It's hard for me to separate the feeling of being cheated on to technically simply 'sharing.' And Amber and I have grown very close now. I get her. I get him. I love them both now. It's a weird situation, but I'm happy for it. I'm blessed to have them in my life. I just, as I'm always saying, want J to want to be with me. Ideally as much as I do him. Time will tell. So Amber's not the one at fault in this, never has been. It's what I want Johnny to realize.

I'm in a turbulent point figuring out this love, and how it differs from the last. Everything is different in it. Even the friends. Chris' friends loved me immediately, and I still keep in touch with most of them. Johnny's friends I expected the same, but I've been met with shit talking, cold stares, and sort of half hearted welcomes. This is also hard for me. I've tried to be nothing but nice, and fun, and it seems they were hoping he'd pick another girl. I'm just me. Broken, and beautiful in my own way. There are PLENTY of guys out there that want my time. But I want his.

It's like Chuck Palahniuk says: The person you love and the person who loves you are never, ever the same.

I'm gunna lay down next to the one I love for now, and try to sleep now that my thoughts are out of my head and in a public forum haha. I've been with him for the last 24 hours and I'm gunna treasure that. Night. (Morning now technically!)

Friday, July 3, 2009

Left and alone

I am fighting today and yesterday. I haven't given in, but it feels like depression is staring me in the face waiting for me to let it get me, but I won't. I can't fucking sleep, so I'll write.

I went out to the city yesterday to meet Johnny for karaoke. It was the first time he was to introduce me to his coworker friends. I invited Amber along, as I wanted her to sing and get some validation for getting up on stage. I met Johnny's friends, and they were all lovely. I kept getting a cold vibe from Gar, his bassist though. I wondered why this was. If he didn't like me. I found out later in the night it was probably withdrawal from coke. We talked. I was pretty hammered though, so I don't remember most of the conversation. I sang pretty well I guess. Had fun performing. Got lots of lovely compliments.

We got back to Johnny's however, and I finally realized how drunk I was. Again. Room spinney drunk. This wasn't from a multitude of liquor though, this was from a lack of eating, so I drank tons of water and J made us sandwiches. Then we went to bed. He had made noises about wanting time along the next day before band practice to himself. So when he fell asleep, I took off. I cried the whole way home, partly from the booze, and partly because his saying he wanted to be alone sort of triggered me. I wish I could explain it. But again, I suppose it's because I don't see him as often, yet he still wants to be alone.

Cept, he wasn't alone for too long because he called up Amber, and he spent the day with her instead. I was sort of hurt by this as well. I didn't give him alone time, so he could be with another girl. He's been better about making time for me which is good. But this situation had me feeling off. Especially from being sad the night before to leave. That took A LOT of strength because I knew I just wanted to stay there and be near him all day the next day. That was sort of the plan before he said he wanted time alone.

I wonder sometimes, if I'll ever find somebody who understands my illness and can work with me on it? Silence = death. Alone extended = Lonely.
He never asks if I'm having fun, or if I'm happy. If I'm around him I usually am. But he hasn't tried to interject himself at all into my life. That is one of the ten signs he's just not that into you.
I began feeling impulsive. I've gained a couple lbs back and I'm insecure about it. This isn't a good combination, because it makes me want to track down 'F' on Sunday and get some shit. In the name of the weight game. This is stupid, but it keeps crossing my mind.

We are going to be hanging Saturday for most of the day. I look forward to this. I want something else to look forward to.

Like I said, I'm not depressed, but it almost feels like it's lurking. It's summer. I need to get back into some old hobbies and such. I gotta keep it at bay while I figure shit out. Meanwhile, since I'm not sleeping coffee sounds good. Reheat some pasta or something. I gotta have another adventure...

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Catching Up

I'm sorry about the extended absence for those of you engrossed in my drama as of late. ;)

The Johnny story continues, and as I stated I wasn't entirely proud of myself for losing my she-balls. I was afraid I was slipping back into the Chris state of mind and I couldn't face myself to write about it here, to look back on. Or face any of you if I had truly lost the self respect I thought I'd learned in the year+ he's been out of my life. I needed a step back honestly, to get my thoughts, my life, and my gumption in order.

I gave him a week after our talk to observe if he'd change. To see if what I'd said mattered. To get the balls up to talk about it again. It ate at me like a cancer. For a few reasons. One, because, I was becoming friends with Amber during this time. To be by her side, to listen as she spoke of him, what she wanted, and to compassionately take that into account and figure out for myself who was truly meant to be with my boyfriend. To watch him, and see who he really had feelings for. To see whether I needed to make changes, or he did.
I observed many things.
I listened to many sides of the argument from Amber, from Johnny, and from my friends who never said hurtful things of Amber. Just looked out for my interests in the situation. Thank God for impartial friends, who just want what's best.

Meanwhile Thursday rolled around, the first real landmark. Johnny had planned to be at his bassists other bands show. At The Spine. (I've mentioned them previously, as they played in Glacier. This was the second opportunity to real catch them live.) Johnny had invited both Amber and I. As we were becoming friends, I was excited we both got to be around him. It was the best of compromises, as I had asked Johnny to see her less, under the basis of it felt like emotional cheating. It was simply too reminiscent of what I'd been through. I had spent the last week crying, and I knew I couldn't stay in that mental state forever. It would kill the relationship we had. Not because I didn't like Amber- quite the contrary- just because of the past they'd had, and how weird it was to explain, yet AGAIN, he was choosing to spend time with her over me.
I'm repeating myself.
Anyway, Johnny and I went to a lovely sushi dinner at a fav spot of ours Saki included, before the show. We strolled back to his apartment to wait for Amber to pick us up.
(Earlier I was informed of the sad news: Michael Jackson had passed. )
Soon enough Amber arrived and we were on our way to the Rendezvous, the venue. We were chatty and I was excited to hear the band, and honestly to fucking drink. The door guy was very flirty, but I wasn't interested. I had made a promise to Amber not to touch Johnny while we were there together, or I think he would've gotten the hint. The reason I made this promise was to make all parties comfortable when hanging out. I was ok with this, because it meant more people, and hopefully more fun for all parties involved.
So the drinking commenced. Starting with a vodka redbull. Jumping to a vodka Sunrise. Skipping to a Betty Belltown. Then a pause for a chat. Then more drinking. The buzz was Divine. The music was Divine. The boyfriend was gorgeous. I was still getting hit on when I'd walk away. At this point the night was great. Then the music began. I danced with Amber, and we talked and laughed and hung behind Johnny just a foot at a table. Meanwhile I'm still drinking. (This is foreboding...)

At The Spine was fun. We'd gotten wind of a Michael Jackson tribute occurring not too far away and decided to attend. So off the three of us gallivanted like some weird monage twa to a bar we got lost on the way to, after the show had officially ended.

I continued to drink. I lost track of how many. Soon, I was gone gone gone. We danced for a moment, before Amber drove us home. Johnny threw up soon after he exited the car. I cried on Amber for a moment, claiming I couldn't fuck up true love. She touched me affectionately, and told me to shut up. So J and I went upstairs, where I then decided I had very officially drunk too much and went to throw up in the bathroom. Second time ever in my life.

The days passed by, and still I couldn't find it in me to speak. Then, with Amber's encouragement got the gal up to say what I needed. As it turned out he had swung the tables evenly that week. I saw him as much as he saw her. I acknowledged this repeatedly during the conversation, stressed I was not trying to be a bitch, and hoped he'd continue to want to be around me.

That being said, all was right again. We have plans to be together more this week, than ever, and I'm content. I've only recently left his place to write this, because of allergies. I would go into more detail, but I've taken Benadryl and because it's working with it's intended purpose it's night night time. :) But all is good, I've refound my assertion, and I'll write again tomorrow. Hang tight, and hey, thanks for hanging at all. :D