Saturday, June 27, 2009

Short summary

I haven't written in nearly a week for a couple reasons. I'm giving Johnny time to try and see what he does, and if he takes my words to heart. I haven't brought the issue up again. I will tomorrow. I hope. I feel sort of defeated thinking that way. Like, not proud of myself I mean.

I'm soooooo tired right now. Yikes. For once. I'm gunna sum shit up in this one.

Amber and I are forming a friendship. I know, weird right? More on that in the next entry.

Umm saw At The Spine. Got REALLY WASTED. (I made myself throw up when I couldn't take the room spins anymore, relying on old tricks...)

I also want to write a blog about Michael Jackson. I have feelings on the topic, may he rest in peace.

Ok, that's it for now. I'll write when my brain resets!

Monday, June 22, 2009

For ME

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1_FNg38F_g&feature=related

My fav commercial. Wanted to save the web addy so I had it for the future. Now I'm really going to bed.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

100! The start of resolution. Glacier.

I'm boiling water for tortellini. While I wait, I write. While I write, I work out my thoughts.

Amber picked us up yesterday at 1:30. We headed to the practice space. I was quiet. Reading my body language my arms were crossed and I was def closed off. I almost felt like the harder I clutched myself the more protected I was. I helped load the equipment into the car while we waited for the tour van to show up. Then I helped load up the van. Johnny was not being affectionate at all. Every time I tried to touch him he'd pat me and step away. I was SO UNCOMFORTABLE. Meanwhile Amber is talking talking talking about everything they have to do next week, and all their plans, and Gar, J's bassist, had to ask me what my name was which is fucked up since he's met me twice, and I'm his leader's gf. Hmm.

Just stuck the pasta in... 7 minutes to chow.

We got into the car and headed to the second location to pick up the other van, and the other band At The Spine. I began writing in my notebook. I made sure to bring it. I knew I would likely be inspired to write. I never felt emotional pain. Just uncomfortableness. Amber had the upperhand.

Observing them interact you'd assume they were in the relationship and not Johnny and I. They had the rapport, and the stories about friends, and all the other stuff. I sat there thinking 'will J and I ever have that?' I doubted.

We got to the second location and I helped load up the equipment there too. Feeling only a touch more open after Johnny came and sat next to me for a sec, that was quickly gone when we got back in the car for the two hour ride to Glacier.

Chow time.

I didn't fuck up the pasta this time, and there's enough for leftovers. Yay!

I began specifically interacting with Amber. Asking her questions about up upbringing, her college experience, and other information. She was open and talkative. I remembered why I liked her. Cuz I do. I just don't like what she's doing to our relationship. I don't like the stuff she says on facebook. But as a person... She's got a good heart. And maybe... Deep down, very very very painfully, she's supposed to be with my boyfriend. Or maybe I've drunk the koolaid.

The ride wasn't actually that long. It was made longer by the fact I had to pee like a son of a bitch. The weather out there was perfect northwest weather. I wore a hoodie and pants. It wasn't raining, but it could have started at any moment.

My hearts doing flip flops writing this out again...

The band we got there on was screaming, and totally lame. It was about 5 o clock, and I'm not gunna lie. I was ready to start drinking then. But we waited patiently for At The Spine to show up in the other van. I decided to go exploring. J and A decided to tag along. It didn't last long. It didn't matter, soon the other band was there and we went inside to order food and drink. The place was like a semi-large cabin on the inside, and the bands played on the porch facing a large backyard. It's way back in the woods. I couldn't eat anything on the menu due to allergies, but mostly the diet. I gained 2 lbs back and I hit a plateau before that. I gotta kick it into high gear. Besides, I knew I was gunna DRINK that night anyway, so I was saving calories for that.

Johnny got me a vodka cran on the band's tab which was cool. I sucked that puppy down, and after words began feeling a bit more talkative, and friendly. My arms left my side. After J finished his he began to be a bit more affectionate as well. I sighed in relief. Soon, the tables had turned in my favor. We were holding each other. I was, however, at the same time, believe it or not, trying to be sensitive to when Amber was watching. I didn't need to rub her face in it. It would be like having Wayne a couple years ago get a girlfriend while I was still in love with him and so I could understand that.

Finally, Johnny and the boys took the stage. They sounded FANTASTIC! I was jumping around drinking more, singing, having a total blast. Amber and I at that point began to talk. I don't entirely remember all of the conversation. But in essence she said her life sucked, she wished she had Johnny, and made a couple of snarky comments that kind of hurt my feelings. But the vibe wasn't bad even through that. It was good. We connected. I talked about how they connected. And in that moment I knew I had to forfeit. In that moment. I drank some more. He likes me. He doesn't love me. And I'm certainly not his best friend. I think her assumption may be true... He loves her and doesn't know how to reconsile it, so he gets a girlfriend that fits. Someone he knows won't come between them. Someone whose assertion has gone the way of the doo doo.

The concert was shut down at ten to midnight by the po po. Noise complaints. 25 of them. That's how awesome we were. Johnny had to piss and wandered off into the woods. I stood gaurd for him. After standing gaurd for a moment he kissed me. He proceded to walk back to the car get what we needed, and get busy in the woods... I wanted to enjoy the direction the sex had taken in our lives. The thought crossed my mind that this could be one of the last times, so I wanted to take the moment in and not for granted. As we were composing ourselves Amber texted to ask where we were. We went back, got a final beer because they were out of liquor, and hopped in the car to go home. For the first time in awhile I stumbled over words, and could tell how drunk I was. Normally I conduct myself pretty well. I think it was not having eaten at all. I think I wasn't in the total frame of mind not to be fucked up. So it just came out that way.

On the way home I wrote. They stopped at McDonald's and I got a salad. I was sooooooo tired. But of course, no Xanax means no sleep. Not even on the car ride- I was afraid of the consequences anyway. We got back to the practice space and unloaded her car. Then she drove J and I back to his place where we agreed we were too tired for a second round and promptly fell asleep. I was up again 3 hours later.

I couldn't fall back asleep not from just insomnia bullshit, but because anxiety was eating me. I'd been meaning to have this conversation two times now, and had pussed out. I wondered whether I'd have the balls to say it this time. I was so tired even still. I waited around for a couple hours doing various things online, and finally laid down again next to Johnny. He woke up an hour later and cuddled with me for awhile. Then, I felt it was time to do exactly as Shane had suggested. I bared a bit more of my soul. Some of the iffy things. Nothing too dark. He again took it in stride like a man, and I wasn't unhappy I had told him. When he got up I called my Dad. My parents are doing something awkward and it's mess and I'll write about it in another entry cuz that would make this one REALLY long. Anyway, Johnny asked me about it, and at that point I said let me ask you something. What is going on with you and Amber? And he said what do you mean? I told him to sit down and we went from there. I didn't say everything I wanted to. I didn't even really make my point clear about the inappropriateness of it. He just ended up feeling frustrated too and his true point for it was that everyone wanted his attention and he couldn't give it to everyone. He also said he couldn't change anything. I almost cried then. But I didn't. When I made the point he has forfeited time to be with me for her, he said 'yeah well, I've forfeited time with her to be with you.' At which point I said 'I know that. But I'm your girlfriend. How would you feel if you were me? And he said I don't know. Then he shut up.

... It was more than unsatisfying. That was his reply. "Well, I've dropped time with her to spend with you."

He went to get ready for work then and I tried to focus on something else for the moment. But soon idiot gear kicked in and I wandered back to the bathroom. I had to ask. "If you *could* spend more time with me, would you or are you happy with the time we have now?" He said looking in the mirror "I like how much time we have together now. I think where we are is fine."

I went to the couch at that point and cried. I didn't let him see me. That's when the really shitty emotional pain started. The kind that grips you and doesn't fucking let go. I had ALMOST forgotten how baldy that hurts. I pulled it together when he came back. He had mentioned wanting alone time more. Being the only factor I could change I offered to quit spending nights there, and offered him more time alone. He said that doesn't mean I want to spend LESS time with you, I just can't give you any more.

I want to be around him whenever I can. I want to be alone every now and then too, but an hour or two away is enough for me. And the fact he doesn't want to, that thought, caused the tears to come in front of him. I wiped them away quickly and said I'm sorry. He asked why I was crying and I said "you just don't want to be around me more than necissary." He said "I only have to work this many shifts through the summer then I can." I shrugged. At that point he had to leave for work, but asked to see me Tuesday. I told him yes and came home to think.

I wasn't clear enough in our conversation, because I was too focused on trying to convey compassion, and make sure he understood I wasn't mad- just sad. If he truly can't change anything about spending time with her, it's unfortunate. And that emotional pain will come back. And it'll fucking eat me alive too. But this conversation isn't over, because I won't stagnate again. I mean, the thought occured to me just wait summer out then. He'll have less shifts, see you more. But that really isn't the heart of the problem. It's the feeling like I'm being cheated on. Worse, by someone I like- and can not judge because she wants what I want.

So Tuesday...
It continues I suppose. And I guess my Dad was right. It probably will come down to me or her. And at that point

I lose.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Post 99- Place marker.

There is much to say, and not enough time currently. I will fill in the details when I get home again.
I'm getting ready to head to Seattle, to go to Glacier to face a personal challenge. I want to see my still boyfriend. I am excited to hear his music. I am going to be in the car for hours with his other sudo- girlfriend. I can't truly understand my motivations in this moment for what could be heartache and torture... But I am up after not enough sleep to do this.

I began to write a blog yesterday chronicling the events of the last two days, but it was deleted and I was pissed, so I didn't write it again. But stuff has changed, and the wind is uneasy. I'm hoping to escape from feeling so in between.

I apologize for not being on top of responding to all your blogs yet, but I will. As soon as I get back I promise to catch up on blogspot. Thanks to ALL of you who responded to my blog ...again! That meant so much to me as I was needing a little validation and support, and to know I was at least somewhat right. You all rock.

See you soon.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Drink (Drink Drink)- Levi Weaver

Drink, drink, drink
whether it proves
or solves a thing
it's not the point
I'm just trying to forget
that I got things to forget
if I just avoid the gin
I'll be the heartbeat
of the party
in an hour or so...

Gone, gone, gone
just some girl but more my pride
its proof no matter how i try
most things are out of my control
so let's make it uniform
I can't play but I'll perform
for anybody who doesn't ask
for one thing more

One more, one more, one more
and I'll be through
you'll go home
and I'll go home
and I'll have one more
or two...

Drink drink drink
I know my dad would not approve
but he don't hurt the way I do
drink drink drink
til tomorrow tucks me in
and while my room begins to spin
I hang on and
I pretend...

... Again

He spent another night with her...

Amber.

He had the chance to see me and chose her.

I'm not really in a good space right now.

Which means... As my Dad says...

I'm sharing my man with another woman. Again.

I was feeling bad earlier today, and I spoke to my best friend. She gave me great advice. But then it got worse. Another day, you know? Another day without me, and with her.

If he loves me as he says he does, why doesn't he feel the same?

He doesn't feel the same. I'm a fucking stupid bitch. Why I did this to myself again I don't know. Because I hoped he'd feel the same? Because as soon as we said we were bf and gf I thought it would change? Hahaha. Come on girl. Fairy Tales get you nowhere now, do they?

I wished, I really did. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to give it a chance. I wanted to be ok, and be cool, and handle it all... But I guess the broken pieces of my heart just can't...

The tears running down my face betray me. I am not as hard as I pretend. My heart is not as protected as I thought, and love can not overcome everything I wish.

Yes, she manipulates me.

I've read her entries, her thoughts, and somehow...

I am broken.

I can not.

No. I will not.

If this is how he wants it... Then why pretend? What you say and what you do are two different things.

I was stupid to want happiness. Because this is brokenhearted. Again.

These are tears again- I'm not meant to be with anyone. I can't deal with this with anyone, ever.

My past has made sure of that.

So now, the talk tomorrow. I'm sorry for being so STUPID. So fucking silly. If you have what you want... Go for that. Who am I? Some fucking substitute for love? Yeah, I don't want that. I'm not making up for what you lack in someone else. You don't want that either, do YOU?

You could have seen me... You could have told me... But you didn't.

I've laid my heart out again only to be laid apon.

So here I am. Me. Just me. Always only me.

And that's all there ever will be.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I.L.Y

I told him.
I finally said it.
We were sitting on the couch watching something, drinking wine and I had the overwhelming urge to just say it. Repeatedly. It felt like I couldn't not say it.
"Johnny, I love you."
"Huh?"

Yep. Exactly how I pictured it. ;) Perfect romantic response. Huh?

I buried my head in his shoulder and said "You missed it. I'm not gunna say it again, never mind." And he said "I didn't hear what you said." And I laughed. We watched tv for a little while longer and then I decided to say it again.
This time he said it back. :)

Meanwhile Amber was trying to IM him away in the background. Sigh. I think this may have been a bad sign...

I tried to explain poorly that I had been thinking about it for awhile, and I meant it... But I trailed off and felt like an ass. Yet I was so happy, and so excited to be there.

Then he got tired and went to bed. Then I was left feeling sad... Like something was supposed to change, or something was supposed to happen differently, though I have no idea what.

I think I was just sad to have to leave. It's getting harder to leave, the more attached I get.
How did I get attached like this? I thought I was being more careful. Course, I thought that when I was saying I didn't want a relationship because the pain of Chris was so fresh. I wish he would tell me he doesn't want me to leave, but I had to leave because today I had an apt with an eye doctor.

I have an ulcer eating my eye. Isn't that exciting? Not. I'm back in glasses for a time. It's kinda painful. It's not as painful as some of my other body parts right now though, surprisingly.
I get new contacts next week. Boring, I know.

So I'm missing him right now. He asked me to tour with him to Glacier this weekend though for a show, and I said I'd go. I'm excited to hear him play again! I'm not excited to run into Amber there, as I'm pretty sure she'll be there.

She's making me super uncomfortable by posting all these things on facebook undermining our relationship. Asking the universe to grant her, her "binary star" (Johnny) and such. She keeps hoping we'll break up. I want us to get stronger. I want him to feel more for me. I know he said he loves me... But he acts like he likes me. Is it me? Or him?

What can I do to make him happy? Want to be around me more? Is there anything?

Now I feel like time apart for my feelings to die down may be worth it. I don't want to be totally out of control. Maybe if he just had more time to miss me or something. I wish Amber could tell Johnny how she feels, or get over it, or something. I wish I wasn't letting it affect me this much... But it's too close for comfort. There are already things working against me. Is this how it always will be when pursuing someone?

Anyway, it's only 8 but I'm tired. My eye is tired. I'lll write again soon for sure.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Withdrawal?!?

Oh lord.

I started feeling withdrawal last night. I couldn't believe it when it came on. It wasn't too bad or anything. But it was there.

Fucking Ambien! I blacked out and took too many Xanax too quickly. Now here I am AGAIN. Even though I know for a fact how to be careful about it and shit! I never had this with just Xanax. Last night I fought through it with vodka, and benadryl. The withdrawal hit me again this evening. I couldn't bring myself to drink anymore vodka, so I took one pill to slake it off. My supply is dwindling. I guess I have to figure out a way now to get some. Normally with the withdrawals I'd ride it out, but I guess now I have a valid reason to go talk to a clinic, get a bottle, taper off properly and still have some for when I really need it. I hate insomnia. Hate hate hate it.

I'm hoping no one judges me for this, because this certainly was not my plan.

Talked to Johnny for a moment tonight, and after I left he said he really wished I hadn't, and missed me. Aww. I was gentle, but I told him he needed to be more assertive when telling me what he wanted, and that the mixed signals really threw me for a loop last night. (Which they did.)
We're getting together tomorrow night, after I go see my first love Alastair, and his new girlfriend Sarah whom I adore as well.

I'm getting ready to turn in early tonight, and hopefully sleep. I took the Xanax hours ago, but I'm feeling calm enough that maybe it'll happen for me. Wish me luck.

BPD Episode- ho boy.

(1am) I'm in the middle of a BPD episode. Here's what it feels like:

WHO THE FUCK AM I? WHY DON'T I LIKE WHO I AM RIGHT NOW? I NEED OUT OF MY HEAD! IF I DON'T TALK TO SOMEBODY AND NOT BE ALONE I'M GOING OFF THE DEEP END FOR SURE. DRINKING, DRUGS, SOMETHING TO CALM ME! I'M GETTING IMPULSIVE AND STUPID...

Johnny set me off to be perfectly honest- not intentionally mind you and I certainly don't blame him, hell, he doesn't know he did. So please, this is all me and my reactions, but I've been writing only the good stuff and brushing aside some of the random things that have crossed my mind, and fuck, now they've built up and here I am. Crawling in my skin.
He's so fucking good to me- but he doesn't know how to handle me yet, nor I him. So here is my psychological diarrhea babble that may or may not be imagined... Fair warning.

We spent the last 24 hours together. I picked him up last night as I said in my last post and everything went as I posted. Then after we got up this afternoon I was late to practice cuz I hadn't slept, so I said fuck it, I was happy and didn't wanna go. So eventually we got up and wandered to the living room where I played my keys and wrote some music. He got online for a couple hours and played games and such. He wasn't really touching me much though. I started thinking about the fact he never reaches out to me for affection. After I've given him a decent amount of time without touching him, usually 30 minutes to an hour, I curl up next to him again for a moment to be near him, and let go again. But he doesn't seem to need the same of me.
He doesn't ever ask me about myself. It's hard to get him to talk as much in general. Last night was so nice because we talked intimately and connected. And he was super affectionate eventually- but it seems it takes a couple drinks for him to get that way usually. He was pretty standoffish at Ofins til about drink three, then all was good.

I asked him about the plan today, before we really got up- before band practice was supposed to commence- and asked if he needed time by himself- and he said he'd like to go home and be alone. I realize you need time alone in relationships and shit, really, logically it totally makes sense... But when we only see each other three times a week at best for a couple hours it seems to me you have enough time alone. But this could just be me. The only time this hasn't been the case was this weekend and last. Still, I offered so I set myself up. Round 8 I drove him home. When I asked him if he wanted to just drop me off he said 'either way.'
That's when the uncomfortable feeling started.
I wasn't sure how to read this, and I wanted to see him longer so I said 'well, I guess I'll come up for a little then go home if that's ok.' he said sure pretty nonchalantly, and I parked the car.
I've always been uncomfortable in knowing how much space a guy needs. I'm pretty sensitive about it. I DON'T want anyone to feel obligated to spend time with me. I don't want to be needy or clingy, so I don't push for more time than someone wants to offer. When someone doesn't care about seeing me either way... Especially a boyfriend... It tends to hurt my feelings a little. I tried to play it off like I wasn't feeling anything but happy, but pretty soon without fail the insecurity began to shine through...
We got up to his apartment, then walked to the store for toilet paper. While there he asked if I wanted a bottle of wine. I said 'either way babe. It's up to you' and he bought one. I had no idea if that insinuated he expected me to stay and drink it with him, and whether he was being nice, or wanted to spend time with me, since he said he wanted time alone later. I was growing more uncomfortable by the second.
We got up to the apartment again, and he sat on the computer and pretty much talked to Amber on messenger for a good hour and a half and hardly said two words to me. I'm sitting there the whole time thinking 'I should just go. This is stupid, and I'm recalling feelings of being with Chris when he was paying attention to other girls around me.' I wondered what they were talking about, not that it was any of my business. Then I wondered if he wanted to be alone, so she could come over. I began to be a little jealous, which usually isn't me. I began driving myself slowly crazy and finally I decided I'd leave as soon as King Of The Hill ended, and that this was becoming a way bigger issue than it probably was. Fuck me, I'm so sensitive to that shit! I just wondered if he wanted me to leave, and yet I didn't want to. That's when he asked if I wanted a glass of wine. FUCK! So I smiled and said sure.
I drank the wine quickly and headed for the door. It was midnight then. I knew I was spiraling into a night of madness if I was alone, so I called Frank.

I'm writing the rest of this after seeing Frank. He graciously let me come over with the rest of the vodka, and we sat and talked and I sort of laid on him for affection, which is actually pretty crucial for me to get right again. It's either get affection, or self injure, but I made sure not to feel like I was crossing any lines though... He made me a taco and I talked actually about Johnny, and about the direction my life was heading and such. He listened and gave me some advice and actually, pretty soon I was back to my usual self.
I did ask him something though, I've wondered in the near year we've known each other: why is it we never ended up together? He's given me excuses and bullshit reasons, but I wanted the truth. And I guess the truth is the age difference. He's gunna be 40 in August. Age differences have never bothered me. He doesn't look 40, and as far as I'm concerned we have great chemistry and stuff (he agrees) ... But also, as I've stated, I think I'm too much of a mess as a person for him. He thinks I have a mature outlook on shit, but that doesn't change the fact I'm 25, and I can't get older for him. So, oh well. He's great to be around though and I love him as a person.

So now I'm home, not sleeping, but ok mentally again. Johnny posted something to my facebook around 2 hours ago about the good time he had, and I just sighed. How do I explain how what happened earlier sets me off? The mixed signals and the internal struggle I have inherited from my exs and the ways they've taught me to be? The space thing? And how that translates into I logically get it, but it means you're just wanting to see someone else in my experience? How I fucking hate having BPD but it *does* exist and this does affect how we interact? How none of this has ever been his fault, but he can cause it?
I have to tell him somehow, someday.
And someday I love you is gunna fall out of my mouth too, and this prospect is scary as well. There's no going back from that. Once it comes to that, I let myself go there completely by sharing the feeling... That's when the serious episodes start. That's when I'll start craving more time and when ultimately he can't give it, that'll set me off too...
FUCK MAN!

I gotta lay down and try to sleep. I just want to say though again, that this was my reaction to shit, and not Johnny's fault or anything. I see this. I know we're famous for only loving or hating, but I can think about these two emotions logically. I just can't feel them logically.
Night.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Welcome to My World

Yesterday was a full day. I did errands, trying to get ready for Johnny to come to my place for the first time. I cleaned, I bought liquor, I bought gas, went to the store and got mixers, got some candles because yes, seduction is key. :) I had a hard time sleeping the night before because I was excited for him to meet some of my friends and hear me sing again. I planned a shindig for the end of quarter for my psych class. (I got a B+ and was expecting an A-. Ack!) And a few people had promised to come. Everyone started bailing at the last minute and it actually really hurt because when I get my expectations up to a certain point I get pretty crushed. But the important part was Johnny, and getting to see him. So I arrived at his place round 9:30 and picked him up. Then we drove to pick up Michael another friend of mine I adore. Then we headed to O Finnigans my fav bar and settled in for what would be a promising evening.
Some of the regulars were there, everyone in good spirits and hanging out, getting drunk and singing. I got a couple requests and sang those. Did rather well. Pretty soon I wasn't giving a shit about the bar or the other people there, I was just hanging on the boyfriend. He sang The Toadies at some point at then everyone was coming to him and teling him what a good job he did. I stood by and beamed. I was happy he was there. Soon as we got a little drunk we were making out and at that point I said we better call it a night, so we came back here for the vodka I'd bought and talked for some time.

But as usual, we couldn't keep our hands off each other, so after the first round we smoked a cigarette outside, and touching him was seriously turning me on again so I threw him to the ground in the middle of the apt complex and did him there again. Unfortunetely the sprinklers were coming on so they chased us back inside where we did it on the table, and eventually wound back up in bed. It was pretty fucking hot if I may say so. Maybe I'll try for the woods or kitchen today, since he's sleeping in the other room, and my fucking insomnia allowed for 3 hours. I popped a Xanax which isn't really helping, and I'm considering another but I'm gunna run out of those so fast. I have anxiety thinking about how miserable I'm gunna be until next month's ambien again. I popped the last of that last night...

So it's a shorter entry but he likes my friends, and he's sleeping in the other room and I'm headed there again now. I have band practice later and I gotta be on time. So sleep now. Worry later. :)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Out of mind. Be back in 5.

I'd forgotten how insane I get on Ambien. I remember some of it. Some of it I don't. I ALWAYS manage to o.d on it, *Every. Time.* I got the script Sunday. I've already taken 20 of the pills. I don't remember taking more than 2 any of the nights. But 20 are missing, and I don't remember much of Monday at all. I saw a movie with my Dad when I got up, then promptly came home and zonked out again. I sent out a mass I love you text at some point...

Dear God the sleep is AMAZING! I had forgotten how REAL I feel after I've had some. I'm just completely different when I've slept. But when I'm wandering around after taking the ambien I'm also a different person. A person people have commented, is not me. I repeat myself, and I either get hysterical over imagined wrong doings, or talk nonstop. I realize these are side effects, and horrible, but I can not help it! I feel so bad for the people who must deal with these episodes! When I lived alone I remember slipping into the insanity and wishing someone were there to help me, talk to me, keep me sane, but then I'd end doing massively crazy shit and wondering if I should be locked up, where they dole out the neds properly and people are paid to make sure I don't wander off lost, without my brain, speaking of some imagined life event. Sometimes I remember slipping into the in between state and thinking I was dying, and occasionally welcoming it, occasionally upset over it. This was before I discovered that Xanax did the same for sleep, gave me a great relieved euphoric feeling, and I didn't black out and take whole bottles of a time on it. (Minus that one night when I mixed it with vodka...)
It's in these moments I feel sorry for the poor bastard who ends up with me.
Scratch that. I'm gunna end up alone.

Chris swears up and down there was a night I had taken my ambien, we got into a fight and I threw a phone at his head. I remember the night in question. I had forwarded some of the texts he'd sent to other girls to my phone, as proof he was lying and to confront the fact that he was cheating on me yet again. He said something that was OBVIOUSLY a lie and when I told him I knew the truth for a fact and he denied it AGAIN. Nothing gets me going more quickly than someone lying to me when I KNOW the truth. At that point I (gently) tossed the phone next to him with the text in question open. He freaked out and began to get angry at me (as all liars do to deflect) and swore I was trying to kill him with it. I absolutely was not. I was literally standing ten feet from him. He freaked, which made me freak, which sent him on his way, which sent me into a bpd episode just as the ambien was kicking in... I took a cocktail of drugs that night without memory of it, managed to somehow rip my favorite pair of sheets down the middle, and popped part of my screen out of my window. Yup. Crazy.

Normally I pride myself on being very logical when it comes to others emotions. Before I react to how someone acts towards me I try to figure the motivation behind it, and either talk about it, or have compassion for it. Like with Amber, Johnny's best friend. I knew why she was cold to me when we met, I saw right through her. I tried not to judge, and even though I was hurt because I hoped she would accept me as part of her life, I realized this was unlikely seeing as how she was in love with him. I was a threat, and nothing more. When she reached out to me I took this as a good sign, and opened myself and trusted my intuition. Then when Johnny and I made it official Amber ended contact with me, and the tentative line I had tried to build with her was broken. I was sorry I had tried. I should have known that if I got what I wanted she wasn't going to be happy for me. She was going to be heartbroken, and her own grief consuming her couldn't be happy for the contentment J and I found. That's logical. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

So I'm logical and understanding when it comes to others emotions, thats all fine and good, but mine are fucked. I hate acting insane. I hate admitting what I've just admitted in this blog. I feel ashamed and vulnerable. I don't want to be crazy. I don't want this insomnia. I dont want to lose track of the ambien Ive taken one night in a blackout and check out for good. I don't EVER want Johnny to see me on the ambien... And I can't take the Xanax I have now, because like an idiot in my blackouts I've been popping those too without memory of it. Shit man! I'm not scared of anything, but when I think about this... I can see a trainwreck coming.
It's like the ambien takes hold of all the shit I suppress during the day and lets it loose all at once in a big whirlwind of fuckery.

So which is worse? Not sleeping and being sick? Or downing $50 of ambien in one night because the dr's afraid I'm gunna be addicted to Xanax?

WHY CAN'T THEY FIGURE OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

I'm not gunna accidentally off myself on the ten pills I have left this month, and I've hidden the Xanax in a place I hope I forget when I'm without my brain.

I'm sad that this is the way it is... I'm ashamed, and I wish it wasn't like this.

I just hope someday I get better at least for awhile to sleep and wake like a normal person. To feel healthy again. But until then I'll get high cuz it's the closest thing to healthy I can feel.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

From C to J- A Note About Passion

This is my second post today, but I feel like writing this one today.

I spent the whole weekend with Johnny. I got there on Friday night and parked on my usual street. We watched tv and talked, and we made dinner together. It is sweltering hot in his apartment this time of year. The first night was blissfully uneventful, but lovely in the sense we just talked and watched tv.

Last night we bought a bottle of wine and drank for awhile. After having sex we decided to take the pills I had bought. So we walked back to my car and got them, then dropped. After awhile I started feeling them but J still wasn't feeling anything. He was patronizing me in the affection department, but I could tell he wasn't there yet. So I bid my time enjoying the sensation. It was a very light roll, but it was still pleasant.
Finally J looked at me and said 'whoah.' I smiled. He was there. Mine was quickly fading, but he asked to go to the bedroom, so I accompanied him there. He grabbed onto me and held me tight, kissing me and I was having a delightful time enjoying his gorgeous body. But...
My mind wandered. He wasn't very talkative. And it simply wasn't the same. My mind wandered to the nights I spent rolling with Chris, and for the first time in a very long time... I missed him.
We had such passion. We had sparks. We were always in sync rolling. We'd talk and make out and listen to the same music we had discovered together. He always said the right things. (Course that was always, and not just on ecstasy.) Johnny is really, really great. He treats me well, and he would never betray me in such ways, repeatedly.
But I miss aspects of what I had with Chris. Just the feeling. That all consuming desire and love.
I couldn't not tell him I loved him. And he always took what I said in stride.
I didn't tell Johnny I loved him. It came to my lips once or twice, but I always stopped it there. I'm glad I held back. It wasn't time.
This whole courting thing has been completely different for me. I played it like a game with strategy and listened to advice. In the end I got what I wanted. But it feels so reserved. I'm not myself entirely. He doesn't know my secrets. My blog readers know more about me than he does.
What am I afraid of?
Chris knew everything... He's the only one ever I think, besides maybe Bevin. But he is the only one who saw me like my family has seen me. He's the only one who knew how to set me off too, without fail. I was the worst version of myself around him, because he knew how to bring that out of me.
I miss the feeling. I miss the passion. I even miss the best version of Chris a little right now.
But I want to build a strong relationship with J, based on honesty and respect. And that's something we never had.
I just hope that passion returns to me someday, preferably with Johnny. Meanwhile I'm going to treat him well, and hope for the best.

For Nikita S.I

We had been fighting again, my mother and I. Something about my school work not being done properly I'm sure. Something about the house not being clean enough. Something about me simply not being a good enough daughter.
I wandered upstairs at bedtime and into the bathroom. 'Tylenol.' I picked it up with my eleven year old hands and read the bottle. 'For pain.' I was in loads of emotional pain. I considered this for a moment and shook a handful into my palm. Then popped them into my mouth and swallowed them. I did this once more, and wandered to my room to lie down.
I was thinking I wanted to end the emotional pain for sure, and I'm pretty sure I knew enough of the stuff would kill me. I'm pretty sure I *hoped* enough of the stuff would kill me. Even after eleven years, I was ready to be done with it.
The next morning I was very sick to my stomach and stayed home from school, under the watchful eye of my mother, who was none the wiser after the last night's botched attempt.

The next time I decided to try it on for size, I was twelve. I had been assaulted and nearly raped in a park not two weeks prior. I wasn't thinking like a kid in terms of mortality anymore. I was now very much no longer innocent, and had been depressed for quite some time. I wandered back into that same bathroom and grabbed the razor I had recently started shaving with. Gasping for air through my desperate sobs I laid the razor across my left wrist and made several quick slicing motions. I saw the blood.
But there was no pain.
How fucked up is it, I thought to myself, that I am in so much emotional pain that I can't even FEEL physical pain?
I watched it pour out of me and strangely began to calm down. It was like I had done something that somehow in my mind had evened things. I did not know that day, that this would be my ultimate demon for the rest of my life. I had in that simple slicing motion opened the door to the illness I've been cursed with. An illness where my emotions are horribly deep, fleeting, and often impulsive. An illness called BPD.

Anytime after that I fought with my mom I ran to the bathroom, my sanctuary, and made wounds. Occasionally thinking this time I was going to kill myself, and other times just punishing myself. It was never ever ok to yell back at my mother, to be angry around her, or to disagree with her. It ALWAYS caused tension and after she would shove me against a wall or raise her hand I would run and do the only thing I was good at: punish myself further. At one point it was a daily thing. I always cut in the same place- on my left wrist, and it had become so bad I was cutting on top of cuts, on top of cuts. I'm lucky I don't have more scars than I do.

I wish I could tell you, dear Nikita, that this is something I've grown out of, or that I've found a way to manage, but this would be a lie, and I have promised myself not to lie here. But I will tell you this: I have gotten better. I have not hurt myself in quite sometime. The last major episode was October of last year after I got a d.u.i. Sometime after leaving Salt Lake for Seattle I switched places on my body. Now I use my left ankle. I have a major scar from this. I may post a pic later... But I don't want to trigger you. I have cut only once since October, and it was not a major episode, as I was able to cut and quickly get into my mind again.

I know how hard it is to struggle with this. And all I can do is offer myself and say I'm here. I know you don't want to talk when you're so upset you feel like cutting, but if you need compassion after the fact I'm here. I always am. And there's nothing wrong with you. We just understand pain a little differently than most people do.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Quick entry

Thank God my Dad is crafy. He's hid money around the apartment for emergencies and I'm allowed to have some of it to go get my ambien and xanax. God knows I need it. I intend to conk out for like, a good 12 hours if possible man. I'm home now writing quickly before I get the money and head back out to J's with my Rx. A night next to him really sleeping.

I promised the powers that be if I got a little miracle today I'd write and say thanks, and I got one. Thanks to whatever conspired for that. Something was brewing that ultimately could have been a HUGE hiccup in my happiness right now. It's all good. Thank goodness. And I'll be careful from here out.

You be careful too...

I'll write again soon.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Ramblings at 5

I'm writing today not at my usual 4am, but around 5pm. I'm hungover yet AGAIN. The great thing about this however, is I only spent $3 on liquor last night. The rest were drinks bought for me. So much so I had to pawn one off on my friend Michael, but he was happy to have it so it all worked out. I enjoy the attention, I'm not going to lie. But at the same time I get sick of it. Weird, I know. But last night I wanted to spend a little more time getting caught up with Michael, and while people kept hitting on me we didn't have a chance til the bar closed. We sat outside til like, 3am. I have a hard time saying no to people. I also have an issue with bitchy girls. I'm so not like that. If they ask I tell them I have a boyfriend, thank them and go on my way.

I'm in a relatively good mood besides feeling like shit. I'm listening to all my old trance sets and discovered I have tracers from one track in particular called 'By The Way' by Jenna Drey. But the track after this one was Chris' and my song 'Extraordinary Way' by Conjure One. Can't listen to that one yet without drawing a powerful emotional response. So we've skipped on to a remix of a Rasmus song, because, hell, after all they are my favorite band. :) I really love trance music. I wish I was still djing.

I'm supposed to go see Johnny tonight and I'm excited about it. He posted on my facebook yesterday night and I got all happy. Dude, don't know why I'm writing that, it's not like anybody cares haha. I keep seriously wondering when the other shoe drops. In my past relationships I have always been treated like crap frankly. Alastair apologized for it at least on my birthday. That was nice to hear. Chris' sorry I'd never believe. Mason said sorry too actually. Bobby after he broke up with me insisted on referring to me as his best friend for awhile. This always puzzled me. I have issues choosing men. I'm not sure why, because I have a strong relationship with my dad. Maybe with Johnny I'm breaking the curse. I hope so.

Band rehearsal was kind of fun last night. I wasn't in a hurry to leave like the last two weeks, since I wasn't getting together with J and I didn't have a major paper to write. (Thank God.) Our lead singer is still a spaz and over steps his boundaries, but whatever. I was upset they took my song out of the set list, but it's a fairly good set list. I need to get off my ass and start seeking out the metal project I want.

I want to start drawing again, maybe painting, but this is a sort of money consuming activity I dont have funds for right now. When I quit drinking after this weekend maybe next I'll find a craft store. I do abstracts when I paint, and people when I draw.

In other news I went and saw a new doctor today. One that actually talked to me about my insomnia and said I wasn't depressed (thank you!) and gave my new xanies AND Ambien. This is good and bad because he only gave me 30 xanax to last 3 MONTHS, but having both means I'll likely be better. Now if only I had the cash to get the Rx right now... Gotta wait til Dad gets back on Monday. Maybe I'll see if J can lend me the $15 I need for the xanax and just take them after we roll Saturday... Oh! That's tomorrow! Yay! I'm concerned I'm going to say I love him and that will run him off... I'm not sure it's time to say it yet. I've always said it earlier than now in the past. But I'm trying to play my cards right with this one. I had a strategy and it worked. So perhaps I am learning.

Oh! I forgot to mention I broke the pitch bend on my keys before rehearsal yesterday. That makes me sad. But I'm lucky it didn't have more damage.

Here's something morbid- I look forward to death. This doesn't mean I want to kill myself, cuz I don't. But in spirituality personally, I'm not gunna be in pain anymore, I get reunited with my spirit guide, and soul friends. I also get a chance to come back and not have borderline next time, if I come back again. Chris and I always used to say in the next life we'd get it right. I'm not sure I wanna waste another life on him. I know technically he's sicker than I am, though he won't admit it. But he has something called narcissistic personality disorder, which is only a step away from sociopathism. If you're curious, those are serial killers and such. I know it sounds weird comparing someone I loved very deeply to that, but it's a fact. I am pretty sure my mom has it too though... I was destined to be in this cycle. Now that I'm away from them both I almost feel like I should seek out someone to harm me. I don't know what to do with myself if I'm not in perpetual misery, but I'm not. I'm happy. I never ever ever thought in a million years I'd say that.

Okies, next post is for Nikita, my new friend. :) Hang in there... I'm here to listen if you need someone when you feel like S.I... I've def been there...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Pain

The last few days have been rather uneventful actually. Surprisingly I just feel like writing. I've lost more weight and I'm stoked about that. Tomorrow I'm calling the Everett clinic to get a new doctor. One that doesn't fuck me over on my Xanax. I haven't had any in two weeks. No withdrawal. I wish they could trust that.

I have a lot of anxiety driving to Seattle sometimes, I'm not entirely sure why. So I went back on the anti-anxiety meds like a good little girl. I've taken it consistently for almost a week now.

I'm in fucking pain today through my back and neck, and my back was KILLING me Sunday. I have chifosis which really sucks. Basically my spine curves out.

Johnny and I have been together a week tomorrow. I'm excited it's lasted this long! Haha. I hope it lasts a long while.

Ok, this is unexciting, but I've gotta go lay down I think. The pain is getting worse.

Monday, June 1, 2009

December 28th my secret no longer.

Here's something I haven't told anyone ever.

I wasn't acting like myself. I was more irritated than usual. My emotions were fluctuating and I knew something was up. I was praying it wasn't what I thought it was, but I was pretty certain. 4 weeks prior was Halloween and there was a large party my friends threw at the someplace we called the compound. The compound was two houses put together where at any given time twenty people would be hanging out singing karaoke, drinking, or occasionally doing drugs. I had decided to spend part of the evening there, knowing that debauchery was likely, and even if there wasn't any, there would be karaoke. Chris had promised he'd go with me, but as usual I couldn't get a hold of him so I made the decision that night to go alone and drink away the pain. After arriving and trying one last time to text him I settled in and partied with my friends. About two hours later Chris texts me 'where are you? I'm at your place why aren't you here?' I texted back 'I left for the compound. I wasn't sure you were gunna show at all' soon he was on his way to meet me. Though I was angry because this wasn't even the hundredth time it had happened, I was relieved because Halloween is important to me, he knew this, and I wanted to spend it with him. He had however put me in a bad mood which would taint the night a little.

When he arrived I was actually happy to see him. We had a drink together and he heard me sing. Then we wandered upstairs and started making out. We found our way into the bathroom and locked the door. Passion consumed us, and being a little drunk and not thinking clearly I didn't really consider a condom. Something I will regret forever. He left shortly after. He'd been there for an hour.

4 weeks later I knew I had to tell him. I hadn't done the pee strip test, but I knew. I'd start shaking every time I thought about it. I'd been pregnant once before. I knew what it felt like. I also knew what the abortion felt like. Emotionally it was traumatizing. I had never wanted kids before, now I knew it would be impossible to ever have them. It scared the shit out of me. Chris and I had agreed on that one thing from the first time we had sex. When I called him and said 'we need to talk' and he promised we'd talk the next night. He showed up with roses which was sweet, and he was on time for one of the only times ever. When I told him he was compassionate and stuff, but wasn't around for very long because one of his friends mothers died and he went to be with him.

That's when I got the call from his wife at 3am. I had no idea he was married still. He'd been telling me he was divorced. He begged me not to tell her I was pregnant and I loved him so I respected his wish. Soon we began discussing when I'd go in for the abortion. I knew the time was running out and yet I was so unwilling to go through it again. Chris knew my financial situation and he knew he was going to have to pay for it. Except he was complaining because he didn't know how to get the money by his wife without her noticing. I wasn't thrilled to go back to the clinic and face that shame again so I whispered 'why don't we just take care of it ourselves?' He said 'ok' quickly and then made his way to the door again. I was left alone, in the dark wondering if I had it in me to do it.

The next day we went knife shopping. I bought three different long knives. I told myself to just keep breathing. If it worked I was off the hook. It was gunna be ok.
Two nights later I ran a hot bath and waited for Chris to arrive. Late again. I got in the tub and grabbed the first knife. My hand shook as I asked Chris if he was ready. He nodded.
It took multiple tries and about thirty minutes. I was timid. Finally I felt it go through something and was greeted with a rush of blood. I prayed that I hit the right thing. I didn't bleed for long enough. But all we could do was wait to see if the rest would come.
It didn't.

So I went in for the abortion right before Christmas. I can't tell you how much it hurts. Not as much however as what was to come...

Dec 27 I was riding hime with my mom from a counseling apointment. I was in relatively good spirits and staying with them til I healed. But on the car ride home I was feeling wet in an unusual way. I asked to be taken to my apartment to get some more clothes and said I'd just drive my car back to their place. When I got upstairs I was bleeding. A lot. When I went to the bathroom blood clots were falling out of me left and right. A little concerned I called Chris. He said he'd come over after work. I was bleeding so hard at this point I had used up three t shirts in ten minutes to sop up the blood. When Chris got there I'd been through five. He turned pale when he saw it. I decided then to call the clinic. They took 30 minutes to call me back. I was starting to feel woozy. When the clinic called they ordered me a perscription which my Dad picked up and brought to me. He was civil with Chris when he arrived and soon whisked me away to my parents again. I was told to go to the clinic the next day if the perscription didn't stop my bleeding. It didn't.

Walking into the clinic AGAIN in the early morning was not my idea of a good time. Bleeding heavily. With my mother. I put in my name and waited. And waited. I was starting to feel very light headed and sick. I walked up to the desk again. 'I've been here an hour and I'm starting to feel like it's really a problem.' She looked at me and paged the doctor. I went back to a room five minutes later. When they saw the problem they said I was lucky. Ten more minutes and I would have bled out more than likely. Funny. I always swore I would die for Chris. I never thought I nearly would. They gave me demerol and went in to suck out the remaining blod clots and have me stop bleeding.

It was the most pain I've ever been in. I screamed all the way through it.

Chris sometime after said I had no idea what it had done to him, and it had been harder on him than me. That was the night I kicked him out for the first time.

Chance

He walks away.
I watch him.
Does he know what I think of him?
How brilliant he is?
Perhaps I'm no better than his best option.
I don't care- if he never says so.
I want to be loving, caring, and faithful.
If he only knew how hard this can be...
But so far I'm good.
So far I hold to the belief I can be more
because I've proven I am more
But somehow
I expect to be abused-
mistreated and used...
And when he doesn't what will I do?
I will stand up and be the person he expects, and the person
I hold myself to
Because he deserves it,
And I am thankful for the chance he gave me.