Saturday, May 30, 2009

Canyon Flemming

I was folding laundry and putting it away tonight, because my room is clean. My room is never clean. Anyone who saw how I lived in Utah can vouch for this. I'm a messy fucking person. But I'm trying to be the best version of myself now, in many areas and keeping things tidy or trying to seems to fit into this. I'll take a picture. You'll never believe me otherwise.

I'm off topic.

As I was putting the clothes away I saw a glass green Christmas tree on the shelf in my closet and a flood of memories came back to me.

When I entered Midvale Middle School I was awkward, socially retarded and unfortunately extremely smart. I had been placed in Midvale which was a good 15 miles from where I lived and should have gone to school, because that's where the accelerated learning program was. I wasn't expecting much. My life had turned to shit right around that time as my mother had started to not only verbally lash out at me, but physically as well. My Dad had moved to Washington for work, and with him gone there was no one to save me from my mothers wrath, or substantiate my claims of abuse. I had always been made fun of and the year previous had taken the cake. That was the first time I seriously attempted suicide and knew what the fuck it meant. It was pretty soon after the assault and near rape in the park. I had no self esteem. I had nothing of comfort except my music. I had no friends. I was cutting everyday and I realize now this is when I broke the first time. I look back and shiver for myself. I was SO depressed. It's a wonder I'm still here. Looking back I'd give young Kate permission to off herself. Except that she's happy now, so we're glad she didn't...

When school began I took a seat in class, and right before the bell rang a cute boy scooted into the seat next to me and smiled at me. I did not smile back. I wondered why he was being friendly. Soon I would learn the boys name was Canyon Flemming and pretty soon had a crush on him, though not nearly as big as the crush I had on David Perez. My best friend Shannon at the time had a crush on his twin brother Daniel Perez, and we would stay up all night sleeping at each others houses talking about the two. David could tell what a loser I was though, and I knew I never had a chance with him. Canyon and I became rather close in the meanwhile however. We began our own little click that had about five people in it.
Sometime in October Canyon got the nerve up to ask me out. You know, young asking out. Not like dating or anything. I was flattered and almost immediately said yes. I had to seriously consider whether I was throing away my chance with David. I wasn't. We began seeing each other in between classes, and talking all night on the phone. It was everything a 13 year old crush couple should have been. Soon we began discussing whether we should kiss. We were both pussies. I'd made out with the boy next door at five to see what it was about. Meh. Wasn't too bad, but I didn't like the guy. We were just copying a scene wed seen in the movie Hook. This was for real. And I was nervous. We kept making a plan to do it, and never did.

When Christmas rolled around Canyon caught me at my locker right after school right before Christmas break. He handed me a beautiful but simple green glass tree filled with Hershey kisses. I think there was something else that may have been lost over time as well, but I'm unsure. I thought it was sweet, and gave him his gift which was a beanie frog and something else I've lost in my memory as well. We hugged goodbye for the break.
I broke up with Canyon some months later because he was Mormon, and that wasn't boding well for our future, not to mention he had started to get on my nerves, as a lot of people do if I spend too much time with them. I thought if we gave it some space I'd come around again, and eventually I actually did. By this time we were 15. I hadn't seen him in two years, but we agreed to meet up to roller skate, which was one of my fav hobbies. We spent the afternoon flirting a little, but mostly skating and acting like the awkward teens we were.

That was the last time I saw Canyon. I never did kiss him.

I moved to Washington and lost contact with him soon after, though I always kept his number. I called him once or twice and we spoke for awhile about our lives and what was happening, but that was it. When I moved back to Utah I remembered I had his number and decided to call him again, maybe to reconnect. There was a fourth of July parade that weekend that maybe we could go to. I rang the number.

"Hi, is Canyon there?"
"who did you ask for?" a young voice replies
"Canyon. Do I have the wrong number?"
I hear scuffling then a man gets on the phone
"Hi I'm looking for Canyon."
"who is this"
"this is Katie. We went to school together for awhile."
"Katie, of course I remember you. Canyon always spoke very fondly of you."
"Katie I hate to be the one to tell you this but Canyon was shot in December and he passed away"
I nearly drop the phone. The blood rushes from my head.
"What? What? What?" I felt like I said it more. It wasn't registering.
"He and a friend of his found his friend's fathers gun and his friend pointed it at Canyon. The safety was off apparently. He shot him at point blank range"
"Oh my God" I managed to squeak/cry out. That's when the tears started.
"I'm sorry to be the one to tell you Katie."
I started in
"I'm so sorry I called and brought this all back up for you again! I'm so sorry! Oh my God, I feel so bad for you!" I was in hysterics. I knew I had to get off the phone.
"Please just tell me where he's buried."
He told me. I don't remember the name.
I hung up and held myself and cried and cried, and hated the fact I'm a Browning.

I've never visited Canyon's grave, though I think about him sometimes. That tree will always remind me of him, though thinking back on that memory it seems like a movie I watched somewhere, and not that it actually happened to me. All of my knowing him. He wasn't the first friend I lost, but he wasn't the last. But he was one of the ones I have something to remember him by.

I just wanted to share that and tell myself I never will forget him, and how he was the one bright point in a shit storm I had then. I'm thankful for that.

Identified H user, and my own drug of choice

I was hanging with my new friend Benson and we had a delightful evening eating Japanese food and then to eat cheesecake on Broadway, my fav street anywhere in Seattle. Then we went for a long walk and talk and he took me to a park I didn't know existed, for as long as I've been here. The park is dark obviously. There were people walking dogs however and children playing near a fountain. As we walked away from the the fountain we passed a table where 3 young men (maybe my age) were sitting and one was most def nodding off, holding his arms tightly across his chest. When I looked at his friend he was holding a needle. Something stirred in me. I kept walking and didn't bother them but I wanted to stop and talk to them. Find out their stories. Ask how they got there, and why they weren't doing it in a place where the cops didn't patrol so often. I felt bad. I wanted to reach out to them. It seemed surreal almost. But I kept walking. Besides Benson was right there, and I didn't want to freak him out.

Well, this I suppose is a drug entry because then my friend C picked us up so I could get the pills for Blue eyes (scuse me. The BOYFRIEND and I hahaha) so we could roll tomorrow. Benson began asking me a bunch of questions about X, and so I told him the history and the effects and why I do it and nothing else these days. (Ok, don't seek it out for sure. The last was Studio Seven at the beginning of the month, before that forever.) He asked me about cocaine, but I sort of brushed it off. Anyway, he's thinking maybe he wants to try x for the first time. I am such a bad influence... Hey, hope it changes his life for the positive.
That's when I got a text from Johnny saying we'd have to postpone til the next week. Fine by me. More time to get funds and pills in order.

Meanwhile we texted for a moment before he went to bed and it gave me butterflies. He used the word girlfriend and I've become a puddle again. Our status' on facebook are public now and that's more than I could say about my ex... Oh yeah, that's cuz we're not HIDING ANYTHING FROM EACH OTHER! Hah. School is going well, only 2 weeks left. I'm gunna start writing again for my publication when it ends, and start planning what concerts I wanna see and when. I absolutely have no complaints - minus the insomnia xanax bitch session I've had repeatedly. My life is good, and I'm happy for it. I'm coasting along again. I'm hoping nothing comes along anytime soon to fuck it up.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Official dork status

I'm officially a dork because...
Johnny asked me to be his girlfriend tonight. X D
I couldn't be happier.
He asked me to play Trivial Pursuit with him, and I was winning, though trying hard to be fair and he was keeping up, but it was down to the final question and he looked at me and said "Final Question." I said "Ok." He said "Will you be my Girlfriend?" I smiled and said "Are you serious?" He smiled and said "Yes." So I laughed and said yes.
How that turned around I have no idea, but I'm stoked. :) It was a pretty cute way to ask, if you ask me.
Amber is gunna be heartbroken... And that hurts me a little. But at the same time I deserve to be happy for ONCE don't I?
So we consumated our new found relations and then I came home because I've been getting parking tickets staying out there, because Seattle is a BITCH for street parking. Besides, I'll see him on Saturday when we're planning to drop X together. (I haven't gotten a parking ticket in 2 weeks though.)
Hope I don't say anything too umm... Lovey on that shit since I just landed him and I'd like to keep him around for awhile.
Holy shit. I have a boyfriend. And I'm excited but confused... How did I end up with someone so wonderful? Even the term 'boyfriend' was loose with my ex. This seems to have developed the right way, and is being taken under care. I have no reason not to trust him.
I hope I don't fuck it up. I wonder if he knows what he's getting into...
*Sigh* Yup. Twitterpated. Seems Spring has arrived.
And I'm exactly the opposite of heartbroken, and I was SO preparing for that.
My heart is sending shivers up and down my body. I could puke happy over anyone within ten feet right now.
In closing, don't get too close, or I'll puke happy on you.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Vast Mistake

I'm sort of reeling from tonight and how my emotions changed. But let me start off by saying I write completely puzzled and hurt. Fuck.

I went to see VAST at Studio Seven tonight in Seattle, as I had promised Jon I would, to return the books he had left with me from his dating me last summer. Hah. When we met up in SLC he said he may want to see me before the show in Seattle and get his shit. (Don't worry, you'll hear about the Vast slc show in part 2 in a sec, but this motivated me to write one in between.) So I sent him a text round 1pm saying I was headed to Seattle and I was available. I went to the city to see Johnny Blue Eyes during the day, which means we were both sober the whole time. We interract differently when we're sober, lol. It's cute. It was very chill and I enjoyed it immensley.
I drove all the way back to Everett after J, still not having spoken to Jon about what time to get there either way. I changed into my sexy rock gear and headed back out the 20 miles to Seattle again. When I got to the show, Michael Cry was outside talking to Janis, who was a friend I had made on facebook through VAST. I joined them and got to talk to Michael some more. Soon, we wandered inside. Jon had promised I'd be on the band list, but I was on no list. I assumed he'd forgotten. Then we headed to the bar and Janis bought me a drink which was very nice. We talked and waited for Michael to return, as he had run off to shower before the show. Soon however, Endless Hallway took the stage and they were amazing again. I really dig their sound.

When Vast took the stage I was excited to see the show, but hadn't spoken to or seen Jon at all in Sea town. Then he started in speaking in between songs. 'I lived in Seattle for four months last summer, and I see one person I know here. (He meant me.) This girl I dated I wouldn't expect to be here (Wait, Britney? The girl he dated before me? Why would he say the girl I dated? We dated too! But I'm too nice to let it end badly!) and my Japanese teacher didn't come even though I hoped she would.'
At first I thought he was trying to be nice, because I came out. Then it turned into my feeling very invalidated, as I realized my being there didn't matter as much as who didn't show up. Not to mention he had COMPLETELY ignored my texts during the day, and I was feeling insecure and all wondering what had changed between SLC and Seattle?
When the show ended I sent Jon one last text saying "Very good again. I don't wanna send like a million texts, but will I catch ya?" Of course I got no response. After Michael asked me who I was texting and I said Jon and explained how I was feeling about it. He said Jon has a girlfriend now and he's spending time with her. I was like ok, well, I'm not trying to do anything but give him his books back. Michael suggested we go inside. So the crew and I did.
Michael got a whiskey soda and he offered me some. I had no money at the show because Dad hadn't been home to give me the money I have from my checks every week, and I had spent the last on the door charge, since Jon neglected to put me on the list as promised.
When Michael wandered off and it had been a long while I was standing around looking and feeling like an idiot. I did not understand what I'd done to be sluffed off in such a manner, and I didn't wanna trapse around following Michael like a crazy fan. So saddened and on the verge of tailspinning into a bpd episode (having called the other Frank not my great friend Frank to see if I could get the birthday present he had for me, a nice little baggie of shit I'm avoiding. I'm lucky he didn't answer the phone...) I gathered up my jacket and made my way downstairs. Just as I reached the door I hear 'KATE!' And I look up. Michael says 'Where are you going?' I said 'Home!' He said 'Come here!' so I did. He asked me why I was leaving. I said 'I don't wanna follow you around all night, Jon's made me feel like an idiot, and it's probably best I leave.' He said 'Please stay, for me.' I looked him in the eyes and could tell he was being genuine, so I said 'Alright' and stuck around. Talked to the guys that work at Studio Seven, that had been there the night of The Dreaming while I waited for Michael to finish up, then they had shit to do so I sat at a table by myself for a sec. Then I noticed one of the guys from Endless Hallway walking towards me. I offered him a seat and we began to talk. His name is Evan, and he plays bass, and is incredibly nice. At that point he's like "what's going on from here?" I said I had no idea. That's when Michael returned and said we're hitting another bar, do you know one around here? I said I did, but as it turns out that one was closed, so I replied there are bars on first, but we gotta go NOW. It's last call. So Evan, Michael and I got into my car. As I rolled down the window I saw Jono and the band assistant running yelling 'wait for us!' so they hopped in my jeep and we sped our asses down to first, just making it. I was there with a Vast, Two Endless Hallways and an assistant, and at the bar Michael bought me a drink which again was very nice.
The whole time Evan is being very flirty which is cute. I flirt back a little. :) I was having fun in my element. Around musicians in a bar. Michael and I talked a little about music and then I asked his sign. Virgo. Which, according to astrology is a perfect match with Taurus, though I've NEVER met a Virgo I could see being with besides perhaps Adam, and though I entertain that idea on occasion, it's only in the same way I fancy a celebrity being with me. It simply isn't going to happen. Anyway, when I say we're a perfect match he says that makes sense. I asked why? He said can you really not tell I like you? I seriously stopped drinking and was like huh? I was honest to God surprised.

So he was being genuine when he said he wanted to hang out... He then said he'd like to spend some time alone with me after the bar. I said ok, we'd head back to the venue soon and figure it out.
We all piled back into my car and pretty much as soon as we got on the road I had to pull over so the boys could throw up. :) Aah, the young rocker on their first nat'l tour. It was rather fun being around that, yet I felt bad for them. The hangover is gunna be awful I bet.
When we got back to the venue Michael and I grabbed a beer and went to the back of the bus, where we talked for a long while. Then he started talking about wanting to be in relationship with substance and such. I should clarify now that Michael is engaged to a girl named Felicity whom I've spoken to a couple times via myspace. She's nice enough, and a model. He thinks they are just sort of a 'celebrity couple' (his words, not mine) So when Michael started telling me this, and then implied I'd be a good girl to be that with I stopped him and said he hardly knew me. I'm fucking crazy man.

I should probably clarify Jon has refered to Mike as his best friend multiple times when we were hanging. He also informed me on a bit of Mike's situation which I won't repeat, that's his business. But is Mike getting back at Jon for something by coming at me possibly? Would I be him for the same? Anyway, it went nowhere, what with my Johnny blue eyes situation and his Felicity situation.
On that note I got tired and decided to head home, but since the boys have the day off here in Seattle tomorrow, we've agreed to meet then.
That whole Jon thing- Vast mistake. (punny! haha.)

Monday, May 25, 2009

For love lost, and love born of admiration 1

I've been away for a couple days, as I mentioned I was in Utah again. This trip was out of the ordinary for me, and it will end up being a long post so I will also break this into parts. Hold on, here we go.

I arrived in Salt Lake City on the red eye amongst the noise of the other travelers, most looking half dead. My Mom picked me up from the airport with my sis, who told me I had lost weight, but that I had lost it all in my boobs. Well, a double handed compliment is better than none, right? I called my friends to let them know I had arrived and wanted to make time for them. Shaun (my ex room mate of three years) was out and about and wanted to see me. I was in the mood for a beer, so we decided to meet at Club Allure to catch up. We talked of many things for hours, and then went back to my mom's to wrap up the night. He really is good people, I know I just get irritated when I'm around someone all the time, and 3 years was too long for us to have not blown up at each other and end it on poor terms. I'm glad we reconciled and have a friendship again. I went to bed that night, but not before stealing one of my mom's xanies which even though I'd been drinking I could feel. I had needed that feeling. I laid down. Comfortable and slowly breathing I slipped into four hours of sleep, the most I would get while I was there.

The next morning I checked my facebook and there in my inbox was an email from Amber Johnny's best friend. My heart began to race. We had met twice, at his shows. She had been incredibly cold to me, when I had made an effort to be nice. Johnny has said more than once he tells her everything. I wondered if Johnny jad said something. I timidly opened the email. Inside was a note stating she was sorry she had come off that way, that she didn't hate me, and hoped she was doing right by the universe by correcting the feeling. I sat there shocked. Adrenaline rushing through my veins I began to type back... (actual letter below)


Wow. I sincerely and genuinely appreciate the email you just sent me. :)

Yes, when we met the second time I felt you were cold and rather unfriendly, but I was not confused as to why- or hurt even. I was however, making an effort to be nice because I know how important you are to Johnny, and I was trying to accumulate myself to his atmosphere and friends, etc to see if he was someone I could continue the tentative connection I had made with him. Knowing you were his right hand gal, I figured at least being nice and making an effort towards a friendly acquaintanceship with you would behoove all involved. Remembering the very little he had said about you from the previous time (admittedly it was said in a loud atmosphere, and I had indeed been drinking although more to the point- I have poor memory problems, which you could never have known without my saying so) I apologize for possibly coming off as daft. Johnny always only has wonderful things to say about you, and when I tentatively asked him if you had a problem with me (whatever it may have been) he absolutely said you did not, and it was your nature. I took this with a grain of salt and tried to move on, although I thought perhaps there may have been some jealously there- because I knew you had met the same way, and for your different lifestyles had not worked out. Sometimes I think if either of you could change, you'd be perfect for each other- and perhaps in there lies a bit of jealousy for me. Please do not take this as hurtful. It is not intended to be as such.

Yes I do tend to make "friends" wherever I go, I'm a very outgoing person because it's easy for me to be nice. It doesn't hurt me, or detract from my life to say hello, or get involved in listening to someone. These things are not important to everyone and there's nothing wrong with that. You are obviously a wonderful person the way you are, as many people have good things to say about you, Johnny included.

It's funny you chose to send this letter now, with the words you've included about endings and finding happiness at new beginnings. Johnny has told me that he tells you everything. I wonder if there is some foreboding there... (I decidedly have been thinking much about this, this week anyway) What I mean to say is I appreciate the sentiment. Truly.

Whatever happens, I would still like to attend shows, and I do promotions and network with bar owners all the time. I tend to help the people I care for, and my musician friends are some of my favorite. Being in that scene it makes it easier to do- I began a project called 'music rising' right before I left Utah doing that sort of thing with help from the job I had at the time. It fit, and it was starting to take off. But alas, life changes and starting it again in Seattle is my intent, but will be harder to do without the resources I had in Utah. However, if and when that becomes possible I want to help both Post Ado and Varnish. (Johnny doesn't know about Music Rising. Lol. there are still things he doesn't know about me...) The point being- I never held any ill-will towards you either. And I may need some time away from J- but I will not hold any towards him either. He has been far too respectful and open for that to happen.

I appreciate the message, and understand where you are coming from. You don't need to be my friend, and I respect that. The friendly gesture however, was very much received in the way it was intended. In good faith, and pure spirit. Thank you. This letter speaks volumes to your character, and I can't imagine it being easy, having pondered it for so long. I take 'Namaste' seriously, and as a spiritual person yourself, I'm sure you can understand that. So please accept my return namaste and humble adieu as it is intended as well- my soul very much honors yours, and until we meet again. Thank you Ms Bird. You have my respect.


We are 80 messages back and forth in now. I've told her lots of things strangely, I have no idea why. I have opened up to her because she gained my respect with a simple note to correct a perceived wrong. The result of this being I'm enjoying connecting with her through this medium. But a more decided outlook on the J situation: I have to end it. I can't wait around for him. Besides, she's in love with him. Damn my compassion because now I feel guilty for having some of him, while she loves him. He spends all his free time with her when he could be with me. He apparently has led amber to believe that all we do is drink and fuck. (not that there's anything wrong with that in my opinion.) However, this isn't what I wanted it to be. I had hoped for something more going on under the surface, and if this is all he sees then I want more- and it hurts, but it's the truth. Having decided to tell him this, and everything I've confided in here what comes next in this week I would hope you would not judge.

Emailing Amber all day I finally got in my car to go see Nate, whom I hadn't seen since September. We had gotten together rather early afternoon and he was drunk. I wondered what had happened, but let it go as a possible one time thing. Maybe he was nervous about seeing me. I drove up to the place he was crashing for the evening and he gave me a big hug. I could smell the beer on his breath though, and he was happily wasted for most of the evening. I was disappointed a little, as I had hoped he'd be sober leading me to not conclude that this was the state Nate was going to be in from then on. We played tunes, and there was a definite attraction there even through it. But, I didn't let it go anywhere. I wasn't going to start something that would leave me unsatisfied and empty at the end of it. We promised to meet the next day and parted ways.

The next evening was time I was going to spend with Adam, and the crew I met through Chris. Anxiously I tried to find out if he was going to be at the club later, and the consensus seemed to be yes, but much later. I could not stomach the thought of seeing him, or having to speak to him again. So I made my decision to go out, but only for part of the night. I got ready and headed to Nate's where I stopped in before I went out to the W Lounge. He was sober, and I was relieved. He told me how beautiful I was repeatedly and we talked for awhile. Pretty soon I had stayed longer than I intended and ended up arriving later than expected at the W Lounge. Truthfully the attraction with Nate was getting stronger and I had missed hanging out with him. We had never openly expressed what was lying beneath the surface between us. It was hard to leave.

I showed up at the W Lounge and greeted all of the friends I hadn't seen in 6 months. I was so happy to be around these people again and hearing their stories of life from the last few months. I made the announcement that I inteded to get drunk, and when I say that it means I'm not gunna give a fuck how messed up I get. I usually have a sense of decorum when drinking. I keep myself in check, and I could tell right away that the night would have none of my decorum. It was too beautiful a night to be on good behavior. So I started in, and didn't let up til last call. Between that time there was something that went down worth mentioning: some bitch tried to kick my ass... I had wandered into the bathroom with Swan and a friend of his (don't ask me why, I needed a mirror they offered and I was pretty drunk. I wasn't thinking of whether Swan's friend had a wife or not and what she would think) and they shut the door behind me. As I turn to my reflection I feel the door getting kicked into me. I turn to look and someone grabs my hair and begins yanking me out of the bathroom. I grabbed her hand and removed it from my head and frankly don't remember what she was screaming at me. But she was backing me into a table and calling me out. I was startled at first, and then angry. What was her problem? I did NOT want to get into a fight so I stepped back outside on the patio where I had spent the evening.

Soon after Swan was called outside to explain what had happened and after some discussion and clearing up, the girl came back to me through the fence blocking off the smoking area to apologize. She was crying and felt bad, and I was not feeling like my usual sympathetic understanding self who tries to sympathize with everyone's motives, so in my drunken state I began dolling out shitty advice and puffed myself up to make myself appear more tough. "It is not my problem if you're man goes into bathrooms with girls he doesn't know. I am not the kind of girl that would ever ruin something special for someone. You need to calm down before going after someone! Go after him cuz he's the one hurting you, not me!" Yeah, drunken brialliance. This is why I usually keep myself in check. I'm not exactly proud of myself in this moment, especially because I made her feel more bad I think. But they left and after repeating what had happened to my friends, I grabbed a last drink and took Adam aside to ask if I could speak to him. He walked me out to my car and that's when the talking and the water works started. Sigh.

I have been keeping a lot pent up inside me from stress, and school, and the band, and everything. And when I began on Belle something in me broke, and I just couldn't stop crying. It was painful, yet cathardic and very needed. He held me for a little, and dammit I made him cry too which isn't cool. But I hope he knows how much his friendship has meant to me. He also told me I'm not Chris' ex, that I'm just me as a person and that made me feel better. So I drove to a parking lot where I waited til I was safer to drive and headed home, where I would lay all night unable to sleep again.

Part 2...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I Died Again

I did die again, except this time it wasn't for real. It was in a dream.

My favorite childhood memories are from my grandparents house on 17th south in Salt Lake City Utah, if you can believe it. They sold the house when I was a teenager, and when they did I felt in my heart I was losing a bit of the happiness I'd only briefly known as a child, and never as an adolescent. I remember Christmases there, (that old set of tree lights that would bubble) and visiting over the summer. How we'd paint, and play with the dogs, and eat candy, and walk to the gas station down the street. The house, to me, was sanctuary. I've never found another place like it in all my years. I probably will never feel that for any place again.

In my dream I woke up in the house. I hadn't realized that's where I was though, until I walked to the bathroom to look in the mirror. I was wearing my 'naughty rock angel' tank top, and I was as skinny as I was in my skinnier days. Then I realized the mirror was from the 17th house and ran to the kitchen where my grandmother was sitting with peke, her favorite dog long since passed. I remember in the dream that I'd forgotten how the house smelled, and that returned to me. I was so excited! However all the dogs that have died were in the kitchen too, and that's when I realized I was dead. I ran downstairs to where my Grandfather always was an hugged him. I was so so happy... And I knew it was because I was dead, but also I was in a time and place that could no longer exist. The sun filtered through the window shades just like heaven, soft and sort of orange. The dream only lasted a moment and then it was gone.

When I opened my eyes I cried. I cried for the happy little girl I was, and for the lost woman I've become. I cried that I no longer have sanctuary in this world, or people I trust. I was a wreck for a long while. When I was no longer just feeling I thought about killing myself, just to return to that. Just so I could be there again. But quickly I spoke reason into myself. Looking back, just thinking back on this dream brings tears to my eyes. I can not accurately portray emotionally what having this dream felt like to me. But I hope that when I die, for real (haha) I get to be there for more than just a fleeting moment. And forgive myself for the person I became soon after that place ceased to exist.

"And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I ever had"

Monday, May 18, 2009

Shorter entry, a reconnection

Last night was an interesting night, spent with Frank as I mentioned.

I had spent part of the evening writing the last blog and finally, satisfied, drove to Frank's where he had already had a couple of shots of tequila. In the mindset of trying to be good, and getting prepared for my self enforced 2 weeks of sobriety, I didn't drink... For awhile. I'm not a tequila girl. Really. I haven't had tequila since right before my 21st birthday, the first night I ever drank, got drunk, and got sick. I've never thrown up drinking though, ironically. I just feel icky for awhile, then I'm better. But he had made margaritas, and wanted to cook chicken tacos, so I said ok one. One *only* turned into two. :) Truly. I was never drunk. Frank, however was haha. I insisted we go for another walk to enjoy the weather, and he took me to this quaint park near his house, hidden by a road. Inside this winding path is a little swamp like thing. It was absolutely beautiful! We talked for quite some time here until the sun went down. We spoke mostly of music and politics, and it was very chill. Just what I needed to keep my inner-zen going.

When we got back to Frank's again, he insisted we watch The Bride of Chucky, which I didn't mind. It could've been worse. But he was rubbing my back and being really affectionate. I was enjoying this side of Frank. This is when I remembered why I started liking Frank ten months ago to begin with. He acts like a lover. I know I said this, but because it's been strictly platonic since I met Johnny, I'd sort of forgotten that Frank had that. I'm not gunna lie.
Frank and I sort of reconnected on that level last night. I enjoyed being around him. Being earth signs we get that side of each other. I could see us on the bf/gf level for a temporary period, but living together would be impossible. I'm way too messy for his stuff. And sort of just a mess as a person for him I think. But seeing as how Johnny and I are not in a relationship, and I see it ending soon (because of him, of course) I let myself be closer to Frank for the evening than we had been in the previous few months. I don't have time to see Frank again between now and the end of the Johnny timeframe. So, for now that's it. Nonchalance here, because it wasn't anything but a nice time.

Today I went to school, and showed the teacher my paper which I thought was done, but clearly was simply a first draft. Sigh. This paper is gunna kill me. Anyway, rewrote part of it just now and was seriously stressed about it earlier. I have 2 more major things for class this semester then I'm through. I don't know if I can do this again though. My inner-zen dissappeared for a bit.

I leave for Utah tomorrow evening. That should bring some interesting stories... But this is all for now.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Twists and Turns and Centered Again

Haven't written in couple days. So, I suppose I'll catch you up on what's going on with me.

The last entry was a really low point. I mean really low. I haven't felt that bad/stressed/distressed in I can't remember how long. Had I not had a paper to finish, I would've chased down something bad for me or possibly cut. But, since I've been here I've been trying really hard to control that impulse. It's shameful, and I hate explaining it. I've been doing the best I ever have here, and that's the truth. Johnny still doesn't know, and unless we decide to make something of this romance, I'm not going to tell him all the dark shit that comes with being with me. I hope that decision isn't the wrong one, but it's hard for me to talk about.
Oh sure, spilling my guts to strangers in an anonymous blog is fine, but real personal face to face shit, I have a hard time coming clean with. I don't lie... But I'm very good at avoidance, and giving just enough information to get someone off my back. Usually people don't ask about me so I don't have to worry about people really knowing me. Sometimes I do wish someone would ask me questions and try to get to know me. But, people are always more interested in speaking about themselves. This is human nature, I get it. But it's like that line in fight club about not listening, you get the feeling they are just waiting for their turn to speak... That's not a direct quote, but if you've seen it you know which line I mean. I believe that. (Love that movie.)

So the paper I wrapped up on Friday afternoon, and am pretty pleased about it to be honest. It took a lot of time and effort, and it's well written. (Hey, it's not a blog! I swear it really sounds professional lol.) After I finished up I got dressed up to go see my friend Frank's band play for the second time. He's so much fun to watch on stage. He sometimes smiles at me and that's fun, and I enjoy being around him. I gave him a Jagerbomb some drunk kid had bought me, and we chatted between sets. He told me I looked nice, which made me happy. Can't help it, even though the time for Frank and I has long since passed, it's still nice to hear him say nice things. Then George texted me, and asked if he could see me.

George's band opened for Johnny's band that fateful night at The Mars Bar when we met. I spent most the night writing and chatting with Johnny, nervously, awkwardly. George was nice enough, but Johnny was fucking beautiful. I mean, if I asked God to put my perfect physical specimen right next to me, he couldn't have done any better. So, I went on to date Johnny and thought very little of George.
We began to write back and forth on Myspace and things got kind of flirty, but I had told him I was seeing someone (although he still doesn't know it's J) and had no intention of going anywhere like that with him. He began texting soon after. Then he was texting friendly things for a couple responses, but immediately he'd go straight into pretty dirty things. I thought at first it was weird, and a little offputting, but he'd start under the guise of being friendly. I didn't really encourage or discourage this, I just didn't respect him and could tell he didn't see me as something more than a playtoy.

I told him Friday where I was and what I was doing and he made the decision to come out to see me, and it sort of surprised me. I should've seen what was coming hah. So he showed up for Frank's last song, at which point I had grouped up with some of the regulars and we were laughing and having fun. Frank came and sat with us after he had packed his equipment up, and I introduced the two. George was nice enough, but not fitting in with the crowd per say. Frank asked me if I was coming to his place after, and I said I'd see and call him. However, George had come a ways to see me, and sort of guilted me into spending time with him. So we came back to my place where I cooked some chicken and chatted a little with him. I came to find out he has sort of a Utah personality. Meh. Anyway, I went to sit on the couch to switch channels at which point he sat and put his arm around me. O.Kay... I am affectionate and I enjoy affection, and it was nice. But then I could tell after he put his hands on my leg in a very suggestive way that it wasn't his intention to have a friendly visit. I sort of moved his hand and said something like "come on" at which point he seemed surprised, and was like "you don't have a boyfriend right?" I said "well, no" and he leaned in closer making me uncomfortable. I don't remember exactly how he wasn't listening to the sort of no's I was putting up, and saying I am seeing someone, and I want to respect that. Sigh, it turned into me feeling used, because I knew all he wanted was sex. I saw that from the first couple texts. So, finally he lets up when I say I'm tired and want to go to sleep. At which point he says "you won't tell anyone about this right?" at which point I look at him like "what?" Seriously. He used the term 'secret friends' like I'm some sort of idiot! After trying to fuck me, he doesn't want his band to find out, and the other bands circles I've started running in because it would "change their perception" of him. Wow. Not to mention, that, except for writing my life in here, I don't tell any one else's secrets.
I felt used, and angry. I couldn't believe his balls on that. He hasn't texted since not surprisingly.

Saturday started out after oversleeping band practice a little. I got up ran to rehearsal and then got into my car anxious, because the sun was going down and it was time to see Johnny. The drive felt surprisingly quicker than usual and I was in much better spirits than I had been the last two nights. I drove with the windows down, the weather absolutely beautiful. When I got to Seattle, I felt alive. I was home, in my city, walking to see my love, and ready for anything. When I got upstairs to Johnny's I said "we have to take advantage of this amazing night! Let's go for a walk!" So he agreed, and we wandered around downtown for a good forty five minutes, talking very little actually, but it was exactly what I needed to recenter myself and feel good again. I kept whispering to myself that I was thankful for that moment. That I was thankful for Johnny. That I was thankful for that beautiful night. We walked back towards Johnny's and stopped in some little bar that had great atmosphere, but def could tell you were paying for it. So we had a drink each, and I tried a tuna corndog. It was weird, but memorable. Then we grabbed a bottle of wine and headed back to Johnny's, where we made out in the elevator. Yum! :)

We fell into our usual routine and it was lovely. I had a hard time sleeping, but knew I wouldn't be able to bring myself to leave him, especially going to be gone for the next week in Utah. I slept more than I thought I would though. Had some weird dreams, and everytime I woke up he was there, so that made the waking up less stressful. We dragged our asses to the point of really waking today around 1pm when his phone went off, and cuddled for a bit which was devine. Then he got up to use the computer and I turned on the tv waiting to get a return text from my stylist to find out what time my apt was. Well, she cancelled on me so I made plans to meet my new friend Chris (no relation. But seriously weird) for a late lunch. I took my first shower at J's and had our first relatively normal morning in terms of what normal feels like to me. Then I got into my car to meet Chris, and he to go to work.
Kissing him goodbye was terribly bittersweet. I know there's only a little time I have left with Mr Blue Eyes, and this makes me heart sick. But I take comfort knowing I'll be able to say Goodbye, and keep my self respect. I'll roll with him and say all of the things I want to say that last weekend in May, and let him make his decision. When I told him I'd miss him while I would be gone in Utah he replied "you'll be back soon." I know what he was thinking. He doesn't want to lead me on by saying it back, and plays it off like it matters, but not the same way it would matter if he had said "I'll miss you too." I won't be foolish. I know what's coming.

So Chris and I had lunch at Quiznos in Capitol Hill and man, do I know a coke head when I see one. His actions were screaming he's been up doing it the night before, and when I asked he confirmed. I'm telling you... They just keep finding me! Anyway, he bought my sandwich which was very nice, and then I came home to you, oh blog. Now I'm going to Frank's to play catch up with him again. The day has been perfect, except for kissing Johnny goodbye. What will I write about when he's gone I wonder? Stay tuned... I'm sure my crazy life will take many more turns...

Friday, May 15, 2009

Unpositive Entry

2:30 Am. Here I am again, going quietly insane. This is what my eye looks like after being up yet again for 2 days. I won't be asleep again for at least another. I'm smack dab in the middle of writing a ten page paper that is due during the time I promised my Mom I'd be back in Utah for. I'm returning to hell on Tuesday. I am out of Xanax again, out of motivation, and with the stress I'm under this morning due to school, lack of sleep, having to deal with my family I'm wishing for peace of mind... But find none.

My heart is doing that weird thing, and right after I laid down earlier today round 9am, I felt something like three major shocks go through my body. I was scared, and it was painful. Not sure what the hell it was though. I don't wanna complain too much tonight, but I'm not doing too well today.
My impulsive nature is telling me to go find something to make this dark place go away. Some thing is calling my name from the other side, just as it used to when I was younger. I got old enough to realize there were things I could do to keep the dark place at bay that weren't necessarily good for me, but better than S.I and at least I wasn't living at home anymore. But I can't look out for myself right now. And drugs won't fix this. I don't think even love could fix this.

Today I'm tempted to give in. I took on too much with everything and I'm realizing now that school wasn't the best idea. I'm not meant to be some scholarly person out there helping the world. I wanted to try and help, but I can't help me let alone anyone now. If I could just fucking sleep... 12 hours... Get my brain back, get myself back maybe I could go back to the normal I was feeling there for awhile. Not happy, not this... Just sort of adjusted normal.

I should've known after such elation on my birthday there would be a crash. There always is.

I'm supposed to see J Saturday night. What am I doing to myself with that? I'm chasing to get hurt again. FUCK! How much spiraling will happen there when someone I've grown to care for so much I won't see again? I need to stick to it. I can't go back and forth again.

Ok, ok, I gotta talk myself out of this funk and back into my paper... But us BPD's really don't do stress, you know? That's where it all starts I think, invalidation on feelings so we don't know healthy ways to cope so we get destructive and there are two types- self destructive, and the kind that everyone writes about that destroy those around them. (The hate mail I read.) I'm always out to destroy myself. I'm perfectly content to take every horrible thing out on my skin and my body- as those I grew up to trust have done the same to me. What else is there to do?

Write your fucking paper, and quit thinking about this shit. This is temporary... This is temporary... Then why do I always come back here to square one? Fuck. I wish I had someone to talk to. I have hurt myself once, in confession since October, I believe it was 2 months ago, and damn, it was a doozey.

Ok, this isn't a positive entry but I'm gunna post it anyway.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Weird Randomness

- Xanax and I have a long and complicated history. Addicted to it once accidentally, it took me 4 days to detox and I did it cold turkey. I was pretty miserable. When I accidentally o.ded on it I was not addicted. I am currently not addicted.

- When I meet someone for the first time I can tell within ten minutes whether or not I could fall in love with that person.

- I am smart. I've always been smart. I scored in the 98th percentile on my S.A.T.S for two years running. I am misspelling words now I used to know, and my memory isn't all there anymore. I'm afraid it's because of the ecstasy I've done, but I can't prove it. There are a couple reasons this could be happening otherwise actually. I believe I have a mild case of echo efasia that started a couple years ago, where I repeat things people say without being able to help it. Sometimes it's to accent what they said as funny. But sometimes it just falls out of my mouth and I wonder where it came from.

- My life is a game. The game is called avoiding boredom at all costs. The going out all the time, the impulsive nature I display- this is all part of it. Inevitably bored prevails no matter what I do. That's why I've had so many jobs, and probably attempts at boyfriends that went nowhere. Dating leaves you open to have other people to fill your time. I have cheated in the past due to this as well. I'm not proud of it, but it happened.

-I love getting compliments about how pretty I am. I had NO friends in school growing up, and I was def not doing myself any favors in the look department. When I finally moved out from under my parents ruling I became myself more. This gave me more confidence, and while I hear I'm pretty a lot now, I still have a hard time believing it. Ugly Duck Syndrome. Sometimes however the aggression and the intention behind some men saying this irritates me.

-Taco Del Mar burritos are a very guilt pleasure, but SO AMAZING. They have all the calories I can have in one day in like, one roll. But sometimes I need some comfort food and it's A-MA-ZING.

- I am not attracted to drama. People that cause it around me usually get put out of my life pretty quickly. Don't judge me. I don't judge you. I try REALLY HARD to never talk behind someones back, and I compliment people a lot because I want to add positivity to the world.

-I have ten rules I live by. I read them everyday, and follow them as best I can. I may post them in here in a future post.

-For as much as I like sex, I don't like all the people I've had it with. These aren't regrets mind you, just sort of cringe when I look back on that time in my life. My self esteem wasn't the best.

-I actually sort of liked working out at the gym when I had a membership. At the end of three months I was running the equivalent of three miles a day. That was hard work, and I was proud of myself. It was the biggest I've ever been in my life, and my weight fluctuates like nobodies business. When I was doing coke all the time I got down to 109 lbs. I started getting told I looked emaciated or anorexic. That was disturbing to me, and yet, somehow I enjoyed it because I'd never been that skinny before. (Or since.)

-I currently haven't slept again in 24 hours. The most I've been awake for (no substances included) was 78 hours. I was hallucinating weird shit, and incredibly weak and sick, and my body STILL wouldn't go to sleep. I had a really bad infection at the time too. I remember that last morning ready to call 911 because I didn't think I was gunna live for all the pain. My Dad fucking saved me and brought me my ambien because I couldn't drive at that point obviously. Within 30 minutes I was asleep and I slept for four hours. But it was enough to be up for a couple more then take another dose and return to sleep. Insomnia is the fucking bane of my existence.

-I thought I was in love five times before. Now I officially say three. I know for a fact 2 of the 3 didn't love me back, and the third loved himself more than he ever could me.

-If I lost the ability to play music I would kill myself. It's my world. Literally.

-Flowers For Algernon is my fav fiction book of all time. I don't like fiction. I feel it's a waste of time, but poetry is not oddly. I LOVE reading, and I usually stick to nonfiction.

-The Rasmus is my fav band. For about 150 reasons and counting. Their last album is their best.

-My self injury began accidentally. I was cutting my wrists sort of in a suicide state of mind. I was 12. I know the exact day it started, but I don't know exactly how it became a coping mechanism. I do know a lot of it is related to abuse.

-I can spend about five minutes around children without getting irritated. I have liked some kids in the past, but they tend to be the artistic kids. I had a job once taking care of young adults with autism. It was a hard job, but at the same time rewarding. It didn't pay well enough, and I quit over a scheduling conflict that was complete bullshit. But this may have been a catalyst I needed to start studying psychology in ways. I will never have children of my own because abuse breeds abuse. Look at the statistics. I would NEVER want to do that to anyone.

-The perfect man for me would be a musician, who wears eyeliner, drinks and cusses, but needs to be compassionate and a risk taker. Someone who could enjoy throwing a baseball around on occasion, and enjoys the same music I do. Someone who is spontaneous and funny. Someone who loves dogs and appreciates the thing I'd do for him. Someone living in the Northwest would be good, cuz I love it here. Someone willing to drop x on occasion and bare their soul to me without fear I will judge him. I want someone I can trust. Good passion in the bedroom would rock. Someone supportive of me and can deal with me in such a way that they don't leave when we fight. That kills me. Walking out on me is the worst thing you can do. Automatic tailspin in a BPD episode right there.
... In all honesty this is entirely too picky and broken down someone nice who treats me well I have chemistry with is all I actually need.

-Most of my clothes are black which makes it hard to find what I'm looking for to wear! They all look the same in a heap on my floor!

- I will never try meth. I don't care who I'm with. I know what's in that shit, and eww.

- I am incredibly loyal to those who have proven they are worth my loyalty. This includes the two people I know read my blog for sure.

-I am incredibly spiritual and when I found a belief system that worked for me, I totally committed to the philosophy. I am NOT a fan of organized religion. Having a spirit guide to help you through your life which serves a purpose in the universe is way easier to accept that an all knowing omnipotent God. Besides, I'm not a bad person, and I don't like the idea of hell. I don't even really like the idea of heaven- rather just a place you reunite with your soul friends, and receive compassion and love. Then get a chance at a better life.

I may add to this later. I gotta lie down.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Gettin Lucky

Last night turned out beautifully! I went to O Finnigans to start with and stayed slow on the drinking, in case I had to drive to Seattle. Robert played Crazy Bitch for me for my birthday (that is after all my song. Heh.) I sang The Eagles, Bon Jovi, and something else, I can't remember right now.
The regular that always shows up with his parrot taught me some ways to drug smuggle I had never even considered! Jesus the guy is crafty. He imports, doesn't do, and doesn't really sell. But he makes damn good money doing it and I can see why. I did not want to think about that white shit though. I don't need any easier access to that.

Then I got the text from Johnny saying he wanted to see me. Awesome! So I drove the 20 miles to Seattle and met him at the Crescent where I was greeted by Terrance the bartender, and after looking at my ID he bought me a birthday shot which was awesome because I insisted on buying Johnny's first, so he gave us both of them free. Super nice guy!
Oh man, the fact that Johnny made the effort to be there for me, and seeing him just made my night. I got to sing for him (Evanescence my best song I saved for him) and he was impressed I think. That made me happy. I was hit on by a gay man while I was there which was slightly odd but I just laughed. He did it right in front of J too.
I met this really cool chick Misty who was nice, hanging with her best gay buddy as well. I was compared to three different celebs that night: Stevie Knicks, Elvira, and umm... Who was the other one? Can't currently remember. I laughed when the third one came up because I was surprised when I got compared to two!
Pretty soon it was last call so I had another jager bomb (my sixth that night. Binge drinking anyone?) and we headed out the door to smoke, the three of us. At this point Terrance popped his head out and said "I wanna do a cherry bomb, and I'd like to invite you guys in to do one with me, on me." Totally cool! So we went back inside and closed down the bar with Terrance while we drank our second free round for the evening. :) I'm glad I chose that bar! Misty then took a cab home, so at that point we ran to the corner market for a bottle of wine and just barely made it. Then I took Johnny's hand and walked to his place with him. That walk... Just the touch of his hand... that moment was so incredible.

We got back I commented "I wish King of the Hill was on, so you could do your impression and shit" and holy fuck we turned on the tv and he had left it on adult swim! There was an episode of king of the hill playing. It was like magic! Hah! Then we started in on the wine. I was umm, admittedly pretty gone at that point, but not blackout drunk. He immediately put his arm around me, and I curled up next to him just breathing him in, completely happy and content. I was saying stupid random drunken shit to him, and I kept mentally kicking myself saying you're drunk! Shut the fuck up! But pretty soon he was drunk too so I'm sure my babbling made more sense then. I don't remember what I said, but I do remember thinking that.
We started kissing and wow. Fireworks. The sex was fucking passionate. Probably some of the best I've had... xD

Well, I'm pretty sure he was worn out at that point so I just rubbed his back til he fell asleep, and took off as soon as I felt safe to drive. The sun was up. My lower dosage of Xanex is doing shit. I laid there for most of the morning and nearly missed school today.

All things considered, my last couple birthdays with Chris admittedly sucked. He showed up really late because he was with another girl for the small gathering I had at Area 51 the last year we were together. Then we got into a fight at the bar over it. I was however impressed because this was the first year he had gotten me something for my birthday, and it was incredibly thoughtful. A tarot deck I love and and a celtic knot necklace I still wear on occasion. That however, he had given me that afternoon.

(The ring he probably spent a quarter on has long since been retired.) I spent the night with Wayne because HE had driven 2 hours to be there. (Nothing happened.) The year before that he couldn't even see me on my birthday. The year we met I had wanted to do something with him and he promised he'd be on time, and he had something special for me. He showed up three hours late at which point I should've realized how unimportant I was. He also had "forgotten" the something special at home and promised to give it to me soon. He never gave me anything. We didn't do anything that night. Four months into it... That's when I found out about Anna. That's when he made no effort for my bday. That's when he told me his "ex wife" was still living with him, but they were no longer sleeping together or anything. Also that she was pregnant by in vetro fertilization which I knew was bullshit, and that's why I had never been to his place. That's when I should've dumped him. But four months in I was hooked and crazy about him.
(With him it was a case of love in one night. How smart he was, and the conversation we had, the passion he he portrayed he had. I'd never felt a spark like that immediately. Four dates in, some man across the bar from us at 'The Red Door' saw us together and asked us how long we had been in love for. We laughed and said we were on our fourth date. At which point he said love is great man. I see it between you two.)

June will be four months dating J. I hope I learned something... But Chris and I made our sham of a realtionship official at three months.
I have never had someone lie to me so much in my life. I have never been so broken so often, and sent spiraling into the darkest corners of my mind by someone who could predict how he could do that to me, and didn't fucking care. I cried, I compromised, I pleaded and I tried so hard to be what he needed, while trying to still be myself, and when that didn't work I bled. And yet I loved him more than I ever loved another human ever. I haven't even attempted a relationship in the year we've broken up. I didn't want one. Not really. Boys are a nice distraction but my heart could not have commited to anyone til I was ready. When I met J I wasn't actually really looking for anything. My mind had been open to the idea that it was nice maybe to be in one, but I wasn't gunna settle for the emotional fuckery I'd settled for before in the name of "love."
That's why we had the conversation we did. The serious one, and man I hate serious conversations. But I wasn't going to make the same mistake again, getting strung along. I hope he can understand that. When I met him though... Like two months in I knew my heart had changed it's tone because of not only who he is, but because of the way he treats me.

Anyway, I've been writing for awhile now and all I wanted to do was express how much it meant to me to have Johnny make the effort. That's all I needed and it was one of my best birthdays ever. Nothing can take that from me and that memory no matter what happens between us will be a good one for the rest of my life. I was not dissapointed and that was awesome. It was fun, intimate and perfect.

Now my heart is having arythmia again and my head hurts like I'm gunna pass out. So I better go lay down, even though I haven't played ANY of the tunes I was supposed to learn this week for rehearsal tomorrow. Good thing I already know "Behind Blue Eyes" (have for years) and if I get up early enough I can learn the harmonies on the other tomorrow. That's if Garret can actually hit the melodies. Man, when he's good he's good. When he's off he is OFF. He doesn't ask for help on the notes he can't hit either. I have a 4 register range. I can hit most of the notes in any song we sing. Anyway, mental reminder it's time for another dr apt next week. Oh boy! Better study hard for that blood test they'll likely take! Maybe I can go to my old doctor when I'm back in Utah. They fucking understand me and my pill regiment, and all the health shit, even though I had the cancer removed here in Seattle.

Blah blah blah. Gunna weigh myself and eat something low cal before I sleep. I'm the lowest weight I've been in 9 months and still dropping, thank God.
Ok, night Kat Skracth!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Day after glow (happy bday!)

Last night was a fucking blast, and I'll write now that my brain has returned to normal functioning for the moment. But before I continue

Happy birthday to me!

That's sort of how the impromptu roll party began. Alastair mentioned he wanted to roll with me, and meet his girlfriend. So I showed up and had my awesome friend with the rollies meet us there. He had two cute girls in tow however, and at that point well, it turned it to full on party mode, when I mentioned it was my birthday. So we all dropped and hung out and felt that loving fuzzy happy vibe for four hours when the girls in tow decided to drop out. Well, I kissed all the girls at the party (and all the boys for that matter) and was deemed best kisser in the room. Haha. Go me!
Anyway, My friend with the rollies and I kept going for longer than the other bunch. We took our final pill round 11am the next day after dropping round 9pm the evening prior. It was a marathon for sure. I was puddlerific on the floor for a good three hours there. It felt SO GOOD.
Finally cracked out as all hell, not having slept in 2.5 days I decided to head home and take my xanex and get some sleep. Cept when I tried to sleep at 9, I couldn't, so I laid there until 6am when I finally crashed out, and slept til noon. When I woke up there was drool on the pillow and I hadn't woken up once. I NEVER drool in my sleep, and I wake up repeatedly. Wow. I was zonked!
So today I was seriously in amazing spirits when I awoke. My outlook on the world had become extremely good after a shitty week. I have been riding the afterglow all day. I went to dinner with my Dad and he said we could do sushi. I taught my Dad something for the first time in my life. :) I speak sushi fluently and he does not, so I got to explain the rolls. (Sushi rolls, not ecstacy rolls lol.)

I got some amazing birthday posts to my facebook and myspace page, and I just feel sort of loved right now, even though I'm about to head out to karaoke for the evening alone. Hey, it's a tradition. I ALWAYS do karaoke on my birthday. Although Johnny did make mention that if I drove to Seattle to hit the Crescent he could probably stop by. Even the possibility of seeing him is enough to make me switch bars and drive 20 miles. :) Damn, is it the afterglow of the ecstacy or am I just in love with him? Ok, ok, lets not get out of hand. It's little love... But I feel it.

I feel fucking fantastic. I wish I felt this way always. I'm even listening to the fucking love songs I have on my ipod right now as I write this, and damn, that aint me. There aren't even many love songs on there to begin with. Usually I'm about rock, and metal, you know, angry breakup songs because that is more or less what my life has been. But I couldn't be further away from that right now.

I do have a confession to make: in my recreational drug use, and my drinking I have never missed work, school, appointments or anything that mattered. Because of the roll party, and under the excuse of it was 25 (a quarter of a century) and that was a milestone birthday I missed school yesterday. I did not turn in my assignment due til today, but I explained about circumstances this week that had happened, and apologized to my teacher and she promised she wouldn't mark it late. Thank God. I won't do that again however. If anything I do recreationally gets in the way of life it isn't really recreational anymore, at which point something must be done. So... I'm letting myself off the hook for now. But I'm seriously taking this into consideration.

Anyway blah blah blah I'm taking my happy ass out to the bars hopefully to get a couple birthday drinks, have fun and (if I see Johnny) get lucky! Sending all this love in my heart right now out to anyone reading this!

Monday, May 11, 2009


I am strung the fuck out dude. My warped mind is going to write for a second then I'm gunna try and find some peace.
Went out to meet Alastair as planned, and his girlfriend Sara. I was excited to meet her and hoped she would feel the same. As it turns out, we did. So finally my friend with the pills rolls up with Krystal and Annie in tow. Well, now it's about time to get this party started! So we pop our pills sit around playing getting to know you more or less. It's going well, there's a good vibe going on within our little group. The feeling was sustained for the rest of the evening.
My roll hookup and I decided to rock out for longer than the rest (I always do- drugs and insomnia don't mix.) So after getting there round 9pm yesterday, we took our last pill around 1pm today. I got home at 8pm and since have been trying to soothe myself and pee. Peeing is the hardest thing when you're really fucked up. I only successfully peed twice. It was an epic fail on the part of my bladder.
So more details to come, I'm sure, but overall it was a delightful time and I've made some new friends.
Damn, why do drugs always have these harsh after effects? I can't even hardly think right now.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Napping fucking rules

I'm tired. I promised I'd do this deal. Now I'm not excited about it. I don't want to be wired for days. I wanna be asleep! Again! That nap I had was IN-FUCKING-CREDIBLE. I didn't dream, but I'm pretty sure I got some delta waves going, and I woke up feeling sort of refreshed! That's awesome! That never happens!
Call me weird, but I've gotten one of those feelings again where something is going to go wrong. Can't pinpoint it.
Ugh. Tired. Maybe I'll postpone this nonsense for a bit. I need a shower too. Gah.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Drugs Drugs Drugs. No Hugs.

I've popped 2 xannies hoping to get either a little euphoria, or possibly just some sleep for a couple hours. There's a girl in my psych class that has some that she can't take. She can get an rx for them and she'll give them to me. Hopefully that will cover me for the month since my dr screwed me over. Sigh. I can go back to taking my 2 a day (occasionally 3) and skip the days I drink, which frankly I'm screaming at myself to stop.
Anyway, she's detoxing from a bad perc addiction. God love her for it, she's trying so hard. She's a really young single mom. She's offered to sell me one of her detox drugs, and I'll admit I'm tempted, but not sure I wanna go there.
When I was in Minnesota in November 08 I was sort of forced into sobriety around my ailing grandmother. I was ashamed to admit to myself at the time I kind of liked it. Then I came back started needing my social scene again. With that comes drinking, with that comes long, long nights.

The first man I ever really fell in love with was Ali. That was six years ago. When I moved to Utah he came to visit me once even though we had long since broken up, and I came once here to see him. Since I've moved back we've hung out maybe three times. He's in a relationship with a nice girl, and I have moved on. Tomorrow I'm getting him rollies, and apparently we're going to do them tomorrow together. Frankly I don't know how that's gunna go, but we tried to do this once before and the pills were mescaline or something. Not real x. The shit I'm getting him tomorrow is the tried and true shit I've never seen the likes of in my experience.
If it is my fav drug and I look forward to doing it, why am I anxious?!?
If you can get high and make yourself feel better why wouldn't you?!? It makes sense in my muddled mind right now. But then again I just started to feel the xanax.

My piss test this week would be the worst it's been in years.

If I can do it, I think I'm going to self impose a 2 week sobriety rule for myself after the VAST show at the end of May. But before that I wanna roll with blue eyes. I gotta know how he feels.
Ok, drifting into lala land.

OH! Before I go, Nate (remember him? wrong place wrong time?) has decided he's in love with me. I believe him. I definetly feel some spark there and that's cool, but a long distance relationship is asking for trouble. So I'm waiting to see how it goes when I get back to SLC in a couple weeks. That's right at the end of the Johnny timeline.
See what I mean about plan B? I fool myself into thinking that will make it hurt less, but it never does. But Nate and I would be a different story for me... We've been friends for years, and I've never gotten into a relationship with a friend. It seems odd to me. But it is what it is. Anyway, he knows what he wants and I respect that. Even though when he dropped me from his life because of that psycho bitch, I wanna forgive it and move on.

Ok, I'm welcoming the feeling I'm having now. Calm. Tired. Sane. How is it possible a drug can make you feel more sane? God bless Xanax. It's such a double curse/blessing. I just gotta be careful. You all stay sane and careful too.

Erratic entries may be deleted

My last couple entries are all over the place. There is a reason for that.
When I'm writing at night at a certain point of the month (ahem) I am emotionally all over the place too. So, apologies are in order. Not sure what to say to that other than I wish it didn't happen.

So writing with a clear head and back to my usual self today it is possible I will go back and delete those entries and just sum them up if I ever want to go back and remember when something happened.

Anyway, I had plans with Johnny Blue eyes last night. Didn't get out til late, because my phone wasn't receiving texts, and I wasn't sure on his work schedule. We went to the place Morrisey goes when he's in Seattle for shows. Really quaint "English" styled pub. Talked a little. Drank 3 vodka somethings. Forgot to eat yesterday, so when we started in on the economy sized bottle of white wine when we got back to his place, I got pretty hammered. He cooked for me again which was lovely. He also tried to give me a massage, but for he sweet gesture it wasn't actually helping lol. He doesn't understand the way touch massage works. Which is fine, most people don't. So we just did what we usually do.
I realized last night we've fallen into a routine, which normally would bore the shit out of me but with him it's ok. I get to spend time out and about with him, and while it hasn't been on my turf, it does fulfill my need to be super social. Yet, then I get to go back to his place and be alone with him. It never feels like enough now. I want more time around him.
He really is pretty perfect for me. There's only one thing I'd hope he can grow into and that's being more open. Talkative I suppose. I don't know what questions to ask him to get him to open up.
But back in my head lies the truth: I can see what happens when a guy is really feeling me. Geoff is acting that way. Jarett did. There are others. And Johnny simply isn't acting that way. He isn't an aggressive guy to begin with with or anything, but he isn't really taking charge in this about seeing me. He isn't saying the things I have come to understand mean something when a guy says them, and likes you.
So, this afternoon I told him about meeting Geoff. And I told him I wasn't going to do anything to jeopardize what we potentially had. He didn't react to it. So perhaps it is good that I have someone else to spend the time between with and have there when the inevitable happens. I hope I hope I hope he decides to be with me. But if he doesn't, then I need to move on.

Now I need a nap. Last night was a long one, and I took Tylenol PM at 11:30 this morning without thinking about it. It's making me really slow.

Friday, May 8, 2009


Hiding myself in the candlelight tonight. Hiding myself, and playing along.Hiding my world from the world, this is the facade I show. This is me... And I accept this.

2 days and "i want to be with you"

2 questions. When did I become this person and why did I decide to eat carcass for breakfast?

I went out tonight. Ok, backstory. I went to see 'To The Sea' at "The Mix" last night. I was there sort of to flirt with the bassist. I caught the bar owner's and booking agent's eye and realized what a good card this could be to play. So I flirted, and did my thing. Yup yup, nothing happened. (May have written this in an angry drunken rant, can't remember.) So went out tonight to see him again. Not sure why. Maybe Something to do, maybe to see if I could work a show in or something. Dude's interesting. But EVEN THOUGH I said "I don't give a fuck" and went off the way I did (well there's no taking it back now, but I think I was just worked up) I do actually give a fuck, and while I flirt and like the attention and all my heart is tied up now. Sigh. Ok more...

I got there and we were talking. Then he had business to take care of, so I went to the pub round the corner to wait for him. Had a couple jager bombs, and met a couple of the regulars. Then he showed up with a couple friends, and the mates decided to go to karaoke. (Like I'm going to object!) So we found a really cool spot. I made G (name edited.) to part the car cuz I can't parallel park. As I was walking to the door some guy yelled at me "hey! I need your help!" I yelled back "with what?" he said "I dropped my jaw on the floor when I saw you. Can you help me pick it up?" Now THAT was the best pick up line I've heard in ages. So I gave him a hug, asked his name and made my way inside with G's friends. Had a couple more drinks and sang Evanescence. I got the crowd going. Seriously eating out of my hand for a Thursday night crowd. That was fun. Soon though, it was last call and time to head out.

G is in recovery. He's not allowed to drink and be at the sober house. Well fuck, so he needs a hotel room. Hotels unless I'm with my fam make me very nervous, but I promised I'd stay. (Knowing damn well I probably couldn't.) We spent some time talking, but then he picked a fight. Not a real fight, a feaux fight, the kind boys who like drama pick. So I played along and fought back even though I wasn't angry and I knew what was going on. So we spent the night going between cool vibe and feaux fighting. Then he started talking about how I was the kinda girl he could see himself with. Fuck! Why didn't I play this card with Johnny? Anyway, Pretty soon he was wasted and asleep. And I laid there not sleeping thinking 'I need to get out of here.'

I had to go. I couldn't sleep. I was hungry. I didn't want to give him the wrong impression. I knew I couldn't explain anything to him. I basically panicked. I got my shit and left him stranded at 5am. Now here I am.
I stopped for a weird peice of steak on the way home, I'm sure I didn't cook it right cuz now my stomach is upset.
I know I don't owe Johnny anything really. But I promised to give him 3 more weeks exclusive. But am I cutting off other people who know they wanna be with me right away? Not that I'm saying that things with G could work, but he felt me after hanging out twice. He said it would make him jealous to see me with others. So fuck. Am I wasting my loyalty on someone who just plain isn't sure? The sun is rising and I'm tired. I wish answers were more clear.

I have a note on subutext for those who understand what that is. But that is another entry and something I haven't embarked apon yet. For now fuckitall. I'm gunna take my pills and pray for zzzz.

Oh also a note on Nate again... Bu tomorrow maybe.

Thursday, May 7, 2009


No, no intentes disculparte
No juegues a insistir
Las excusas ya existían antes de ti

No, no me mires como antes
No hables en plural
La retórica es tu arma más letal

Voy a pedirte que no vuelvas más
Siento que me dueles todavía aquí,

Y que a tu edad sepas bien lo que es
Romperle el corazón a alguien así

No se puede vivir con tanto veneno,
La esperanza que me da tu amor
No me la dió más nadie,
Te juro, no miento

No se puede vivir con tanto veneno
No se puede dedicar el alma
A acumular intentos
Pesa más la rabia que el cemento

Espero que no esperes que te espere,
Después de mis 26
La paciencia se me ha ido hasta los pies

Y voy deshojando margaritas
Y mirando sin mirar,
Para ver si así te irritas y te vas

Voy a pedirte que no vuelvas más
Siento que me dueles todavía aquí,

Y que a tu edad sepas bien lo que es
Romperle el corazón a alguien así

No se puede vivir con tanto veneno
La esperanza que me dió tu amor
No me la dió más nadie
Ya juro, no miento

No se puede morir con tanto veneno
No se puede dedicar el alma
A acumular intentos
Pesa más la rabia que el cemento

No se puede vivir con tanto veneno

No se puede vivir con tanto veneno

Breaking you too :p

If you asked me right now. Right this second if I care. I don't give a fuck. Really. And right now no one gives a fuck about me.

I went to see my "friend" George's band play tonight 'to the sea.' They were great. They do a good live show. It was interesting. I met this guy Geoff. Turns out he's the booking manager for the shows there and part owner of that particular bar. I played it cool. Very cool. Worked my feminine wiles, got drinks on the bar, even worked in Post Adolescence's name to try and do some good for Johnny. (Again, not that it matters.) I decided earlier this afternoon it was time to let go. Anyway, he invited me backstage. Saw the recording room. Saw the finances (because he showed me) learned what I need to know about his bar inside and out. Gave Geoff a ride home. He apparently lives in a sober living facility. I played it coy. Told him I wanted to be respected as a person before anything could happen. If this is because of some loyalty to Johnny at this point I doubt. Yes, I'm a fucking bitch. I feel like one right now. I also don't give a fuck. George texted me later on and asked if I'd slept with the guy and 'cheated' on him. HAH! Like I owe anybody loyalty right now. The answer is no, I didn't sleep with anyone. I got drunk. I gave him a ride. I came home.

I feel alone. Empty. Maybe if I fucked someone, I could've fucked this lonliness away. I guess technically I could have, so what stopped me? God knows. I'm tired of it I suppose. Johnny and I had plans yesterday he blew off. The same night I got the news about Belle. If Johnny cared he'd make an effort I suppose. Geoff even though we just met seems to be interested in the deeper me. He's playing it off that way. If that's a ploy to get me into bed I get it. It is what it is.

When shit goes down here I turn to myself. To find innerstrength, and these days it's weak to be honest. When I wanna reach out to someone I go through my phonebook to find there is no one at 5am to answer my calls. Just to say "yo, umm, just hearing your voice will stabilize me right now." And instead of a friendly voice I get 'the number you have dialed is no longer inservice.' So I seek out people I shouldn't be seeking. I WANT all the destructive bullshit that comforts me. That wraps me in something, that until the morning comforts me, and dammit, I'll deal with the consequences then.

The road for mr. blue eyes is reaching its end. I've tried too hard to keep it going, keep it together. It *shouldn't* take so much effort, so here were are cycle one. I'll end up fucking someone else "hoping" to set up plan b that will be a bust, then I'll be at square one again. I know myself. My fucking self too fucking well. Fuck me. Just fuck me.

I hate my cycle of self destruction. But here we are, yet again, and damnitall. I promised the truth in here. Give me peace of mind, give me something to get me through tonight.

I have band rehearsal tomorrow. I'll do that. Then I fully intend to do what I have to do to get out of my head. Whatever that is. I don't care right now. I'm a fucking bitch, yeah. Don't get too close. I'll fucking break you too.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Belle... :(

I just found out from "The Proper Stranger's" blog (a dear friend of mine, Adam) That a friend I've come to love through long distance Belle has just shot herself. It was not a cry for help. She is a very sick girl and I can't imagine going through what she's been through these last months. She recently lost her mother and moved away from her home in Park City Utah all the way to Scranton Pennsylvania. She was diagnosed with ALS and now it seems, the pain is too much to bare. I am deeply empathetic. I am saddened. I am not sure what to do in this moment. Through my tears, and gasps for breath I feel for her. I feel for me, but mostly I feel for Adam. The man is a beautiful, wonderful being. He has integrity, honor and is a wonderful musician, not to mention amazing friend. He has been through hell, that one. I can relate to him in ways. In ways I wish he would let me be closer, let me in more. But this is his decision to make, and not mine.
Adam has introduced me to Marissa, Amber and Belle. After touching their lives briefly and loving them for the little I could they killed themselves. Belle is in the hospital. I don't doubt I'll lose her soon too.
My Xanex issue yesterday was not the biggest thing going on in the world. It was irritating and inconvenient to me. It sucks. But this is something that has shaken my world to the core. Another one. Another one. Another one.

And now Belle...

These aren't family members. These are people I've loved and lost before I turned 25. (In exactly one week.) I'm returning to my room to numb out. Perhaps for vodka I'll go out...

Monday, May 4, 2009


Holy fucking god I am irritated right now. I gotta try and write through it or I'm going to pop all these pills right now! Fuck, so I called the pharmacy to get a refill on my xanex yesterday, while I was at Johnny's cuz yesterday I had zero energy. I was feeling run down. The days from this crazy weekend were catching up with me and the insomnia has started it's down swing into staying up all morning and into the afternoon. I have class in the afternoon, and I need to be to sleep and rested so I have my work done and am up and ready to go when I need to be there.
My ANP (Which is NOT a real doctor, but they can write pill Rxs) knows this. I have explained to her I can't take ambien anymore because I don't have $150 to spend on that shit. Not to mention they don't really work, because I've been on it for FIVE YEARS. Xanex costs $15 and that is doable. I'm not addicted. I haven't been in awhile. I know what it feels like and when it's coming on. I always stop at that point.

I've asked to have tests done to figure out if there is an underlying medical issue causing the insomnia that ultimately runs and ruins my life. They've done some tests, more or less superficial ones and nothing really turns up.

Anyway, today was the day to get my refill. I used to get three a day, then I lowered my own dosage to two after Sept 24. For the last two months I've just called in the refill without going to see my ANP. However when I went to get my Xanex today she automatically lowered my dosage without consulting me to 1/2 pill a day. WTF? I can't sleep on that! It's not enough! I've built a tolerance to it, after having taken it for so long. I'm not stupid, and I'm not addicted.

Last time I went and saw her we discussed the possibility of having Fibromyalgia. A pain disease. She said it was a bullshit diagnosis and that I was just depressed. WTF? I'm not depressed! I don't sleep and I have an emotional regulation problem, but that is dependant on what is going on in my life. I can predict my moods on any given day. What will set me off. No bullshit. Getting jipped on my pills I NEED to SLEEP is going to set me off. (Anger, not depression.)

She dismisses everything I say as not being real, or being related to the depression I was diagnosed with at 17. That was years ago. Yes, I was depressed back then. If you're afraid of being home, and afraid of getting hit, and afraid that life has nothing in store for you except to be someone's doormat forever then yeah, suicide is a viable option. But my life is not that shit anymore. This was the final straw for me. I need a doctor. One that is gunna listen and try and help me. Not try and move me on as quickly as possible.

FUCK! Ok. I wrote, now I'm gunna take one pill to try and mellow out. Then tomorrow, bright and early I'm gunna look for a new doctor. I missed school today because I wasn't feeling well due to not sleeping. I gotta be ready for a test on Wednesday. Maybe I should just see a psychiatrist. They would get the difference, and give me my pills. Whatever.


Sunday, May 3, 2009

The Dreaming (Seattle 2)

I arrived in Seattle feeling like the drive back had taken forever. There was crazy traffic, and I was antsy and working through my hangover. I was excited for the next show, and I had a million things to do.

When I got home, I jumped in the shower. I did the quickest shower I could and headed to my friend Laura's house. (She is also my stylist.) I had her work on my eyes for about half an hour. The dark circles from the lack of sleep (lack of xanex, and lack of proper nutrition) were slowly gone and the fake eyelashes finished off my smokey eyes. She made me look like a beautiful porcelain doll. I was very happy. We spoke for a few moments, then I ran home to change and well, I'm a glutton for punishment so I pierced my ears again and stuck large silver hoops in them. I wore my pleather miniskirt and my new shirt I bought for my date at Tango with Johnny Blue Eyes, and I have to say, I looked pretty damn good. I'm a pretty girl to begin with, IMHO, but that night Laura did me some serious hot justice.

When I arrived at Studio Seven there of course was a cover charge, and I gladly handed it over. Met up with my friend Jarret and headed upstairs to be with the older crowd, since it was an all ages show. (I can't stand all ages at clubs. Bigger venues whatever, but this was obnoxious.) I saw Johnny Haro immediately and sort of slinked over to him, thinking there was no way he could pass me over tonight. He looked up from his blackberry and said "hi again." I said hey, and gave him a hug. Asked him how traffic was for them, and what else was up. It was another short conversation. But I told him he looked good, and left him alone.

Time passed slowly while I waited for the 9:15 call time for The Dreaming to head to the stage. It was weird. I wasn't exactly feeling, like, anxiety you feel before you do a hit of drugs or something, but after relating the thought to the feeling of being almost high probably on andrenaline, I was anxious to see if the feeling would return. Finally, finally, the show commensed and they ripped through the set again. I jumped, I sang, I yelled, I got that rush. Chris sang specifically to me a few times during the set, which was awesome. After they started in on their last song "Save Yourself" (an original Stabbing Westward tune. Chris' first band that made him famous) I was feeling a little sad it was over for me. That was it. There were no more shows to go to. It had gone by in a flash.
I wandered back upstairs again knowing I had no money to drink on that night. I'd spent it all over the course of the weekend already on gas, drinks, food, and getting my hair styled, not to mention the 15 bucks for each show. Jarett had to take off to meet his Mom, so he wasn't sticking around. So I wandered around aimlessly upstairs for a bit, watching Trust Co play. When I noticed a guy eyeing me. So I worked my game and got a couple drinks from him. His name is Matt, and he is incredibly good looking. He was very sweet, complimentative, and affectionate, but that good looking thing is incredibly clean cut. He's more my sister's type than mine. I like dirty rocker boys with eyeliner. He looked like, umm, jockish. He was very sweet though.

So, soon I notice the band has come upstairs. I'm elated. I don't remember how it happened exactly, but Brent (bass) was standing by himself so I wandered over to him cuz he was smiling. I've never really spoken to Brent before. He hasn't looked like he was having fun at the shows, and I guess I just sort of was driven by the whole Johnny situation. So, this time I thought I wasn't gunna miss out. He is SO NICE! He is incredibly funny too. He talked about how the band always jokes he's on his period and showed me some of his texts. He also told me he was wasted the night before in Portland. I laughed and said, yeah I was pretty gone for awhile. He told me he's part of the band "Berlin" as in "take my breath away". Wow! I had no idea he had some fame before Stabbing Westward did. Crazy. Anyway, soon Carlton (guitar) came to join us. He was complaining about girls grabbing his ass. I said I would always ask before that ever happened. And he was like "oh you have permission" so I went ahead and forgot myself for a moment. That's when he pulled me in for a hug. I was on cloud nine again. That moment right there was a mix of pure unadulterated passion and star struckness. I hadn't felt that with them. But I did for a sec right there. He's lucky he told me he has a fiance. I may have drug him off somewhere... (Hey I'm single! Lol)
Anyway, that's when I met Paris and Christina. Really awesome girls that wanted to talk to Brent and Carlton too. It was the best part of the night after the show. I had to stop and say hi to Chris though, at which point he asked if I was the girl from Portland. I said yeah, heh, and he said "you know we were all on shrooms last night."

Oh. Is that why Johnny was acting weird? At least it made sense.

So pretty soon it was time to go. I helped Brent load stuff into the trailor, and gave the guys from Trust Co a cigarette. We discussed some things and those guys are really nice too. I watched as the van and the trailor went into the night, a feeling of sadness creeping over my heart. Now it was really over.

I noticed the bar owner Tracy, walking to his car and I said good night to him. He said there were still other staff members inside thinking about going somewhere if I was interested. I said thanks and wandered back inside.

This is where my story goes into a side winding road I didn't expect.

I hooked up with two other employees to go down the street to another bar. I didn't want to go home and be depressed. I was going to go home to be alone, and with nothing there to comfort me after such a good evening, I was afraid I would emotionally crash pretty hard. So I had a beer and a shot at the next bar on the bar. That was nice. The guys were nice but I got the vibe I was just tagging along. For once I ignored that feeling and figured they would be rid of me soon enough. They stopped for beer at the gas station and headed back to studio seven.
I had texted Johnny Blue Eyes earlier and asked if I could see him when he was done meeting with his photographer that evening. He said that was cool, and I was killing time waiting to hear from him. So I figured I'd leave pretty soon to go to his place. However, when we got back to Studio Seven there were a bunch of musicians there jamming and drinking. I felt the vibe immediately and with so many people around with no evidence of the party letting up I found a couple girls to hang with and made my way into the room where the instruments were.

We were laughing, joking, meeting new people when someone stuck a mirror in front of my face. On it, were those little white lines that have haunted me since two summers ago. I looked up and Guy was smiling. "Go ahead" he said. I am almost ashamed to say I didn't really think too hard about what was facing me. I smiled said thanks, and began what would be my next big foray into the white lady. I then texted Johnny back and said I wouldn't be making it out, due to the afterparty. I didn't say why, but we were getting together the next day and I figured he'd understand. He's a musician too, as well as a guy that I'm sure knows how to party as hard as I do. (We've swapped battle stories.) So it snowed in that little room until I finally said I needed to drive home around 8am. About a five hour stint. I got a little present for the next day however, I decided if Johnny was done, I'd share it with him... I had someone bugging me to roll all night long, and X is my absolute FAV, but you can't drive on it and you're in the throws of it for hours. You have to plan for it. So, I showed some self restraint and said no. I started driving.
When I was driving home my mind was racing. I felt like shit about myself, and in general. Not having done it in so long had made me throw up. It had felt fantastic for a little, but eventually I was withdrawling, praying for xanex to fall out of the sky. When I laid down to try and sleep my body was exhausted. I had been awake for about 30 hours. But my mind would. not. shut. up. I was worried Johnny would be mad at me. I was repeating the same lines from songs over and over. I was shaking and going from being too cold, to too hot. My bed is hard to sleep on to begin with because the springs are hard. So I crawled into my Dad's bed and laid there until noon. When I finally, finally got to sleep more or less until 4pm, when I got up totally strung out from the night before.

I had forgotten that feeling.

But, it was time to get ready to see my love. (Sappy, but true.) So, I sluggishly moved through the actions of getting ready and got into my car to drive AGAIN. I was so sick of driving at this point. Yet I made it to Seattle on my last $6, and after looking for a parking space for thrity extra minutes, I wandered upstairs to Johnny. We didn't kiss when I got there. It seemed the feeling had changed since our talk. I was hoping it wouldn't last the whole night or I may have had to end the extra one month early. We opened a bottle of wine and watched tv for awhile. I told him about the coke the night before. As predicted he was cool about it, thank God. And he did his Hank Hill impression which kind of broke the ice. He offered to cook for me which was incredibly sweet, and I realized I hadn't eaten since Bevin had made rice for breakfast two days ago. Oh yeah, that's how I lost all that weight! :p
He made turkey burgers and they were pretty good. After that I started cuddling with him more until finally we started making out just as we always do. We had some really good sex, even by our usual standards, and believe me, he's pretty damn good.

That's when I remember I had a pill of x from the night before. I asked Johnny and he was down. So we popped 1/2 each and waited for the effects to overtake us.


I absolutely decided that Johnny and I need to roll together. So I called my friend Corbette last night and got prices. He has the real, holyfuckinggodimhigh pills. We need to connect on that level. As much as I care for Johnny my walls are still waaaay up. He doesn't know a lot about my past, or who I am. I haven't introduced him to my friends, and he's never been to my place. I have this obnoxious tick that won't go away around him where I mention when other guys are attracted to me. I'm trying to stop! But it slips out! Even I think it's stupid. I don't know what to say half the time.
I know how honest I get on those pills. I know how walls come down. I want that for us, whether it goes anywhere from there or not. So I've decided in about two Saturdays from now when I have money again that that's the plan. I'm gunna get him hiiiiiiigh and see what he says. :) I know, I'm evil. But I haven't rolled one on one with someone in that manner in over a year.

I spent the night last night obviously, and I didn't sleep much. So I lazed around in his bed most the day til he had to go to work. I drifted in and out of sleep but I'm exhausted now and thinking about hitting the hay. Before I do I forgot to mention when he woke up he started cuddling with me which of course turned into sex, but we had to stop once because of a condom issue. When we fixed it we started going t it again, when his cat took a shit that smelled SO BAD. I mean BAD. So much so I started giggling, and couldn't control myself. I had the hottest guy ever riding me and all I could think about was how much I wanted to bury my face somewhere and die. It sort of killed the mood. We couldn't find the cat for awhile I guess she was hiding in embarrassment.
So even though I got off, he didn't. I need to make it up to him on Tuesday when we meet again.

I started running Thursday and haven't slept seriously since. I know I geta refill on my xanex tomorrow and by then I'll probably have some sleep thank god. I'm going crazy. I need it. Stay sane folks. This week won't be as eventful.