Thursday, April 30, 2009

"The talk"

My heart yanked at me all week. When I wanted to sleep I thought of his face and the words I needed to say. Between music and school filling my life a mere fraction of the time, every other thought jumped automatically to Johnny, and the dread I felt knowing I couldn't avoid the "talk" any longer. So Tuesday rolled around, taking it's own sweet time. But it finally did arrive.
I drove to Seattle, and still ended up being 30 minutes late. When I got there he had found a happy hour in the city. I went along for the ride. Before long we had been wandering around in the Seattle rain for an hour, pretty much lost. At which point I commented "getting lost in the rain is probably pretty romantic." He laughed, and shook his head shaking the water from his long black hair. (swoon.) We decided to stop our search and settle in on a bar called 'Twilight.' It was sort of like the Red Door in Utah which was one of Chris' and my favorite haunts. But I shrugged that away quickly reminding myself I was firmly in Seattle, and anytime I doubted it I could just step outside.
So we had a couple drinks and spoke briefly. I had been pretty quiet that night, not knowing what to say. Yet, impressed I had walked so far and kept up without running out of breath. (I was happy with myself. Running was paying off!) So after a couple drinks we decided to head back to his place.

Well, needless to say before I got my courage up he had me in his trance and I let what happened happen. But after we had made our way back to the living room I knew it was now or never:
"So I hate serious conversations. I hate talking on this level, but I need to."
"What's up?"
"Here's the deal. I really like you. I mean that. When I say that I mean it may be dangerous for me to keep dating you without figuring where this is going."
"Ok. Well, what do you mean?"
"I mean this: Lemme give you a little history on my past relationship"
So I told him about Chris. And the cheating. And the abortion. And how long I allowed that to be drug out with no hope of ever having it really be a "marriage." The lies, the deceit, the times I wanted to leave him or cheat on him back and couldn't. Then I said
"I really can't go through that again. The only reason I bring it up is cuz I wanted to point out the fact I learned something from it. I know now at which point I am cool, and at which point I need to let go. We're sort of at that point." (I tried to choke back emotion.)
He looked at me and said "Thank you for your honest. (?!?) I appreciate your being honest with me." I looked at him like, what, no anger? No accusations?
He then said "while I understand what you're saying, I don't know if I want to be in a relationship right now."
(While I felt my heart being ripped from my chest I inhaled and said)
"That's cool. I just felt I couldn't not tell you any longer."

We went on from there where he explained a bit of his past and I swore I wasn't as nice as I seem to be. At which point he surprised me and got somewhat angry saying "don't tell me that. I don't want to hear it." I looked at him and seeing how serious he was I dropped it.
We talked for a little longer and before long I couldn't hold back my tears. Well, I tried to be a woman about it, but it still pretty much felt like a nice cold plate of rejection. So when he got tired and decided to head to bed, I decided to head on home. I wanted to stay but couldn't you know. Between my emotions and insomnia it was the best idea.
So I got home and wrote him an email, basically stating "look, I understand you don't have to know what you want, you didn't say you wanted to end this when I spilled my guts so here is my plan: I'll still date you exclusively for a month, at the end of that we'll talk again." (paraphrasing.) If at the end of the month you still don't know what you want I'll let it go. Four months is fair IMHO, and I won't waste another three years on somebody who doesn't know."
He texted me today and said that was a fair plan.
So we are gunna get together Saturday and Tuesday and I won't mention it again til June (Holy God.) But that's my plan. Knowing me though, to be perfectly honest I'll have plan B set up by then. It won't be as good, but it will keep the lonliness at bay, and therefore my S.I and drug use, and everything else I want to self destruct with when a man ultimately dissapoints me.
I promised I'd be truthful in here and that's the truth. :)
So in 4 weeks we'll see how baldy I blow up again.
The thought occured to me today if I don't start liking guys I don't have this problem. So, if it doesn't work, I'm thinking I'm off men (Off that kind of pain anyway) for at least six months. It's just plain not fucking worth it.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

97 Seconds

It is no secret that my favorite television series is House. I like the characters, the plots, the fact I learn things in every episode. But there is one episode I've seen twice, and can't ever watch again.
It's called 97 seconds.
Maybe you know I had two dogs, Max and Mufasa. They were my whole world. I loved them. They were there for me no matter what man was in my life at the time. They made me smile, they made everyday worth getting up for. My life was better because I had them.
Max was a Pomeranian mix, and Mufasa was a boarder collie/collie mix. They were wonderful. I had to give them up when I moved into my first apt by myself. That day was one of the worst of my life...
So back to House. In 97 seconds a paraplegic guy has a seeing eye dog. A collie looking a lot like my Pookie did. The collie saves his life, and is there by his side the whole episode.
Basically House's team can't figure out what's wrong with the guy. And when the final treatment doesn't work he knows he's going to die. He asks 13 to bring his dog over to his bed. She promises him he's not dying. He can't even put his own hand on the dog, so 13 does it for him. He looks at the dog and says to him "It's ok buddy. I'm not scared"And with that closes his eyes and doesn't wake up. The dog dies soon after.
This episode has put me in a funk for days both times I watched it. It's one of the only things I can bring to my mind that brings tears to my eyes immediately. Not even most of my memories can do that. It's that line, as he's looking at his dog: the only thing that's been there for him, his last companion in the world.
"It's ok buddy, I'm not scared."
He knew what the dog was feeling, as the dog knew what he was feeling.
I went into the blackest night without my pups. The last thing I said to anyone was "call me tomorrow, I miss you." And that was to Ian. Then I strolled downstairs to spend that fateful night trying to get tired or drunk enough to sleep.
Fear is a funny thing. There are only two things in life to really be afraid of. Pain and death. When you're no longer afraid of them, because you accept they are going to happen no matter what, then you have looked true fear in the eyes.
I miss my puppies.
And I can't watch 97 Seconds anymore. It hits a little too close to home.

Lame lame lame

I have spent the last two nights out at O Finnigan's. I couldn't hack it tonight. I was out there four nights this week. I guess I needed a distraction. I haven't spent as many nights out since before school.
I ran into Dave. Dave was the guy that spent the night over three months ago, and nothing happened. It's probably a good thing it didn't. He had a girlfriend at the time, which he lied to me about. He also found out last week his ex gf is pregnant with twins. He's a great guy to have fun with- but he is not relationship material. Yet, women constantly pick him. I'm not surprised. I think I've found some sort of connection between men that hardly have a day between relationships, and whether or not they are good in relationships. I'm glad I learned something from Chris and saw that in him.
I ate a cheeseburger for the first time today since last year sometime. I'd forgotten how tasty they were. I would never have, but money is really tight this week and believe it or not my salads cost $6 and 2 burgers and a fry cost $3. I wish I'd had a choice, but I didn't.
I can not stop thinking about Johnny. And everytime I do it goes like this: I get excited and I smile and I can't help it. (He texted me while I was out, responding to my text and he said he was looking forward to Tuesday. There. Smile.)
Then logic kicks in and I start thinking I won't ever call him again. I need to leave him before he leaves me. Before I can get heartbroken. (There. Distraught.)
I've already caught myself sabbotaging it... I emailed someone else today. Sort of already thinking plan B. I just don't expect to be surprised.
I have a paper to write about a hypothetical experiment for psych. I'm relating aggressive music to aggression in teens. I want to prove the music you listen to doesn't influence whether you're violent. Rather biology and life experience do.
This entry is lame. I have nothing interesting to say today except I'm looking forward to next week. (Even Tuesday which is weird) but especially my trip to Portland, and seeing the Dreaming. I've been running to their music. Can't get enough.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

I miss

I miss your eyes, and the way they look at me like you're trying to understand.
I miss your smile. The laugh you do when I begin to laugh at whatever it is you've just said.
I miss the way your hands touch me. In such an unassuming way, like I'm a gift or something. (Perhaps I am assuming this.) I miss the way you kiss, your lips. Watching you as you talk in that voice that is so different than the way you sing. I miss touching your hair. The way it feels beneath my fingers. The way you react to my touch.
The way you never had to ask for me to give in. The way I want to give myself to you. The way I could never give myself to another now.
The way I just *look* at your pictures on fucking myspace and I smile. The way I make sure to play your song "It Gets Better" every time I run. The way I get a little jealous of Amber and the fact she sees you more than me. The fact that even though I'm jealous of her, I trust what you tell me about her.
I miss your smell so much it moves me. And I wish you were out with me when I'm out with my friends.
I wish I could call you my boyfriend because I want you to be. The kind of man that could show me what the term "boyfriend" really means. Not a partner to do drugs with, or one I will wonder about everyday. Not one I expect to hurt me, and constantly disappoints me.
No.
The kind that I am proud to say "that's my man" of. The kind that could see through me, and my bullshit. The kind that says "I Love You" and I could know he meant it without any agenda. The kind I could see myself being with for as long as I'm aloud.
I miss him tonight. Yet in the same breath I want to run SO FAR AWAY. Because he can't ever live up to this. I know. And I would leave him in a heartbeat to outsmart the pain I'm setting myself up for.
I think every night I should disappear. Now's the time. He won't really miss me. And eventually I'll get over him.
But I can't: So I'm scared. Scared as fuck when I tell you this you will leave, because that's what my life has been.
How did I get in so deep? I should have swam in the shallows. But here I am in deep waters, reaching for some kind of land.
Please be that land. Please let me down easily. Please tell me you're not just some vision I have concocted to get me over myself.
I'm...
in love with you.
Shallow love...
But it's there. I realized it for sure today. The same kind I felt before, but not to the extent of my ex. But... It could be.
So here I am.
And I will be broken this week. I won't ever say I love you, not now.
But when I talk to you, I have my weekend to run away to Portland... As I always run. When you finally tell me "you're a really nice girl, and I think you're great, BUT..."
I'm preparing myself.
Because you're too damn perfect for me, for you to feel the same.

Friday, April 24, 2009

P.T.S.D

A harrowing night... As if I haven't lived enough.

It started a night, like any other. I drove to O'Fins in a state of darkness. My brain was on the dark side, and unable to tame it I went to my local hangout, hopefully to be around people I liked and reset my batteries. As I drove up I noticed a set of legs laying in front of a set of bushes. There were 2 guys. They were jumping on something. Hitting it. As I wandered a bit closer my morbid curiosity grabbing hold of me I realized that the legs in fact belonged to a body that had crippled under the two mens weight. Astonished I yelled out "What the fuck are you doing?!?" They turned to me. We were a good 30 feet away. They yelled to me "Go inside." I took notice of what they looked like, and what they were wearing. Again I called out "What are you doing?" as I wandered towards the door. I knew in that moment if those two turned on me, I would be a second bloody mess on the ground. Best to shut up. (I hoped they haven't seen me.) They stopped and watched me, like hawks as I wandered inside. Barely able to catch my breath I ran straight to the bartender Jason, and yelled "something's going on in your parking lot. You need to get out there. Now." He went right out and apparently scared the 2 men off. They had pummeled the shit out of one of the regulars there, Gary. Gary was taken to the hospital.
I stood there for a good long while shaking like a leaf. After watching the robbery that happened across the street from Johnny's and now this... I was unable to stop my shaking.
I haven't be like that since driving to the abortion clinic the time it was Chris'. I stayed in the car shaking unable to move until my Mom basically grabbed me from the passenger seat and forced me inside. That feeling similar, though not the same stayed with me most of the night. I couldn't drink it away. I tried, believe me. Tonight yes, I could be classified as an alcoholic. I drank to steady my nerves. To forget. Jesus Christ. I'm not sure the image of the men jumping on the body and the noise it made will ever leave my mind for good. I seriously thought they were going to kill him.
I have no idea what the despute was over. I have no idea how it started. I just know had I not driven up when I did, he probably would be in much worse shape. Something in me, that darkness I described, sensed something bad was going to happen. I tried to shake it off.
Craig showed up at O Fin's and bought me a drink. He held me for awhile. I sort of explained what happened -I needed to be held right then. I hardly let go of him for the rest of the night. (Craig is fairly new to my life. We've only hung out twice.) He kissed me. I was in the complete wrong mindset to be like "woah! WTF?" Instead I just let myself be taken under his kindness for the evening, and promised myself it would go no further. It didn't.
I'm not shaking now. But the only thing that can explain what happened tonight in my mind, was a reoccurance of p.t.s.d. I hope I don't relive this memory repeatedly. I want to be over it already.
I just want to go to Portland, have fun, see Johnny Haro, and pretend 'life is beautiful' like I say when I'm trying to be positive. I want to be honesty with Johnny blue eyes... But can I? Would he understand? He couldn't be there for me when I needed someone. It would be rediculous of me to have called him and asked him. But the kiss meant nothing. Craig isn't Johnny. But here it seems I've done wrong in a way. By meeting my needs. Since Johnny and I have no set terms, perhaps not. I don't want to debate this with myself tonight. I never would have been like that if I hadn't needed comforting. I don't think I'll tell him.
I've never seen anything in my time in Utah remotely like what's happened in the last month here in Washington. How fucked up are we here?
Why did I take all my xanax? I fucking need it tonight. Gah.
I'm not ok.
I hope I will be tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

I choose now

Spent last night with Mr. Blue eyes. Before I went though I talked to my Dad about when to have the relationship talk with a guy. How to do it, when and all that. He said just remember: once you have that talk you can't go back from it. You either are or you aren't after that. He also said be sure you can't just keep doing what you're doing. You need to be sure it's make or break. I wasn't, so we didn't talk about it last night.
Today I am pretty sure. I was upset leaving him. I don't get to see him again for a week. Our usual Friday is canceled due to a show he has in Glacier. I want to be more than what I am now. I think about him all the time, and his scent I smell on me at the weirdest times out of nowhere. I love being around him.
So fuck it. Today I'm upset. Because I know for sure now. And that means more than likely in a week when I get some fucking balls I'll approach the topic. I have a feeling I'll be rebuffed and then I wasted another 3 months on something. Not to say he isn't amazing and totally worth it. He is. It's my own stupid heart that will fuck this up. I'm never satisfied. And I really starting falling for this one. And I'm afraid the feeling isn't entirely mutual. But right now it's him or no one. I will never find another man like him. That is the dilemma.
Hurt now, or hurt later. I guess I choose now.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Two To Tango

Today was soooo lame.
I broke my number one rule: I did not live this day as if it were my last. I spent the day running twice, which is killing me. I've lost five lbs this week. I'm not eating as much, and I've doubled up on exercise. I think about eating and I want to go running again. I'd never make it right now though. I also wrote my next paper even though I had a little hangover this morning. I b.s.ed my way through it. Really, I simply don't have a lot to say on the topic. I called my Dad. He's in Utah with my sis and Mom this week. It's her birthday. She got to have everyone for hers. I'm going to spend mine alone this year it seems. It's ok, I'm gunna pretend the first is my birthday this year and celebrate at The Dreaming in PDX and here in Seattle. I don't know if I'm jealous. I had the option to go too, but I wasn't really up to dealing with being ignored. I had a really fucked up dream last night. It dealt a lot with the feelings I have for my sister. Feelings I have for myself.
Going backwards though, last night was a blast. I got a few of my friends that never met together at O Finnigan's for Tim's birthday. A group of seven of us were hanging out having fun. I played social butterfly for most the night, as usual. I had a lot. Even for me. But I kept it together fairly well. Really, was very fun. Karaoke usually is.
Night before that was the date with Johnny. When I got there he kissed me right off, which was the first time being close started right away. Usually I start touching his hand after being with him for like an hour. So He wanted to take me to "Tango" the first bar he ever snuck in with his brother's I.D. It was sentimental. ;) He was 17. So we walked there. I wore my sexy new outfit, and it def got a reaction so I was pretty pleased. Anyway we ordered a kuraf (sp?) of Sangria and drank it pretty quickly. Then we had a second. We talked for awhile. I asked a bunch of questions, and then we began interracting with the couple next to us when they overheard us talking about being in a band. They thought we were in the same one, so we explained no and really got to laughing with them. They were probably in their early fourties. Total cuties. Recommended dessert but, well, we were there to drink not eat heh. Besides, I can't eat it now anyway. So we went back to Johnny's.
We were pretty gone. That was a lot of liquor. But we managed to have laughs and to top it off we had fishsticks again! Lol. I wrote him a letter. (I'm a compulsive writer you know by now) and basically said thanks for the last time we hung out, that it meant a lot to me. So then we crawled off into bed, when I had to wake up at 8am to move my car. So I got up at 8am which was total shit, I walked out and figured out the meter which took a good fifteen minutes. Set my alarm for 2 hours which was the max on the meter and slept through it, so I got a parking ticket. J has never been a cheap date. :)
Anyway, that's about all there is for now, except we're learning another Eagle's song from 'Hell Freezes Over' for Thursday. I'm freaking about it a little. We'll see how I play. It's called 'Learn To Be Still.' And that my friends, is where I hope to head now.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Goodbye

(Warning: This shit you may not want to read. It does not put me in a good light. You may think I am severly fucked up after this. Seriously. I'm not sensoring this one.)

I got a call from Simon tonight asking if I wanted to catch a movie. It was late, I was tired so I told him to just come over to hang. We caught up a little and I played a little music for him. We were sort of laying together on the couch and I was touching his arm with the feather touch, and we were laughing. He asked if I'd seen any intervention lately and I looked for the last episode I saw. We put the show on.

At this point he starts touching me suggestively and I move his hands. He tries it again, and I look at him and say "what's up?"
He says something like "that is" and tries to move my hand on it.
I say "Simon I thought we were just gunna hang out man." But he keeps trying. So eventually I sit up and look at him and am like "things have changed between us. You want to be friends with benefits with like, no friendship- you haven't even called for 3 weeks."
He looks at me with this sort of solomn face. I know he's been depressed and shit happened while he was in Vegas. Cool, whatever. But I look at him and say "I don't want to feel used, and it sort of feels like you came over and sort of assumed something." He then says "I think you want more than I can give you."
I seriously had to stop from smiling and say "what, you think I want a relationship from you?" He says he doesn't know. I say "I'm way over that. I just want to feel like we still have a friendship. I enjoy hanging out with you, you make me laugh. I like spending time with you. But it sort of feels like all you want is sex." He says isn't that the prior arangement?
"I said we WERE friends with benefits. But that ended months ago didn't it? When we stopped hanging out? You stopped calling?"
He says I think I hurt you.
I look at him and say "yeah. But that's over. That's why it doesn't matter. I don't want anything more from you than a friends with benefits situation and the friendship ended before the sex did. Really. You're not gunna hurt me again." (I did not let on that the reason for this is because when my heart is sort of into someone else, like, no one else exists. That was Simon for a couple weeks last year.)
He looks at me and says "goodbye."
I say "what goodbye forever, or goodbye for now?"
He says forever and walks out the door.

I am going to clarify that the last time we had relations was probably right around the same time I met Johnny. Which is why the friendship ended before the sex. At that point is more or less bing bam boom, and I started feeling used. Besides, he never told me what he was feeling.
So here I am, sort of in shock like, I set myself up. I must do this to myself to have people walk out on me so often: It's happened more here than in Utah, I think. Aaron hurt the worst here. I still think about that. Ben happened not too long ago. With Johnny I am setting myself up in the worst way possible. I can only hope right now I don't fuck it up. Also to clarify, if Simon had decided he wanted to resume our arrangement I would inform Johnny about what was up and see how he felt about it. I would not do it behind his back. I would have told him tomorrow, our next meet-up.

My mind is like a graveyard of men sometimes I think. I can't even remember all their names... Hopes that maybe they could be what I needed. They would stick around. (Not in a crazy stalker way. Just whimsical hopes that maybe they wouldn't leave. I'm really not asking for much.) Sometimes I know I'm being silly, sometimes I just plain can't help it, and sometimes I really actually fall for them. I've never left a man I actually fell for. I don't count Chris in this, because when I finally got strong enough to end it with him a couple times, I knew in my mind it probably wasn't gunna be permanent. (Jon Crosby was a special case because being around him was... a unique experience in and of itself. I was a lil out of my league there. I've never wanted a man for something like *cough cough* rockstar status before... I don't think that will happen again.)
The graveyard has feelings though, and I suppose I could sit down and go through all the men I have been attracted to and tell you why. But that's the past. And when my heart really starts to feel something for someone... It simply puts me off sex with anyone else.
Here's how it works: When another man decides he wants to pursue a physical relationship or start dating me, I inform whoever I've started to feel attached to. Sort of as a way to gauge whether that's ok or not. (they have priorly been informed I'm seeing other people.) If I feel obligated to tell them there is someone else interested, it indicates to me that I care enough about them not to cheat on them, or simply leave the truth out. I would never at this point, go behind Johnny's back. I wouldn't want to jeopardize whatever it is we have.
So they say yes or no. I feel good if they say yes have moved it to the next level(ish) or I feel bad, and go fuck the other person to make myself feel worse. I sort of analyze it's in the hopes that the next fling will be someone I can move on to, but usually that is not the case. I just use them to hurt myself again.
Sex is like, my friend I can't live without but constantly fight with. I need it, even though it hurts sometimes. The way I do it- I do it to myself. It makes or breaks a relationship with me. Because I have problems saying no clearly enough, if it ends up being something I didn't want, they usually get dropped from my life too. I've heard men plead and beg and whine and use all kinds of ploys to sleep with me. I'm sick of it. I'm sick in myself when I think how easily I've given in sometimes. Just to make it stop. Make it go away. Make them go away. That's all they want.
Can't they see I'm broken?!?

Sigh. I'm waaaaaay off topic. Point is Simon left. Point is he couldn't be my friend, when I asked for a night of friendship first. Point is it wasn't worth it, to have me in his life if he wasn't fucking me. I'm good for nothing if not fuckable.
Yeah I learned that at 12, thanks.
<>
So I let Chris run all over me. He could do whatever he wanted, as long as he came back. There is the summary of our whole relationship. You can go do whatever makes you happy, as long as you keep coming back. We'll fight about it, and I will bleed and cry and build up walls because of it. But it's better than you not being around. Come back. Abuse me more. I don't do it enough to myself. And finally, when he was done with the way I reacted to his fuckery he went to someone else, as he had done before. I also was not worth knowing, if he was not fucking me. I think that was more his issue than mine... His disorder is worse on the scale, but we won't go there.

Oddly right now I don't feel bad. I feel sort of numb, but not bad. I'm not going to hurt myself, I'm not going to cry. I do not feel like a train wreck. It wasn't that devestating. It would have been in January...
But it does bring in sharply how much of my world I have already placed in Johnny's hands. He doesn't know it yet. I won't tell him. (You shouldn't either, these are just fucked up thoughts, in case you have a way of getting ahold of him. I doubt any readers do.) But I view Johnny and I ending possibly in the same way Wayne and I ended. I wanted more, he respectfully told me that was not what he wanted. He did it in a way that has allowed us to remain really good friends to this day. I cherish Wayne. I love Wayne. If Wayne were not in my life I would be a different person, but the time for Wayne and I has passed. I want him to be happy. And I would never want to get in the way of that. I think Johnny is the same kind of man Wayne is. A good one. He never walked out on me, dissappeared, or left my life in an abrupt fashion. We stopped seeing each other as much, but he was there if I needed him. He still is. I can sort of tell Blue eyes is the same... But I've been wrong before.
All I ask, all I really ask: Please don't abandon me. You can ween me out of your life, but don't up and leave. It messes everything up. (See? I'm already imagining that awful conversation.)
You wanna hear something fucked up too? When someone is telling me they don't want to see me anymore, I think I have to make it easy on THEM. I try not to cry and I act really understanding. I don't ask for clarification, it doesn't matter in the end anyway does it? They aren't coming back. The whys aren't important. I never drag it out. The one dragged out one I've had was on Valentine's day. I was just. I don't know. I needed to know why on that one. I needed real understanding.

By the way J sent me a text saying he had a dream about me... We studied what dreaming meant in psych this week. It's a good thing... :D

I've written myself in circles tonight. I'm really not upset. I'm not reliving anything. I seriously am letting the positivity hold me now, in looking forward to tomorrow. I bought a new shirt... And my first real girlie bra. I'm oddly nervous. I will write about the first part of today another day.

Time for xanax and night night.

Sorry to get so real on anyone actually reading this. They say we suffer from insanity. I just live in my own head. Hah. Don't we all?

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Adam got me thinking

So after Adam's post about finding what it is he thinks he's meant to do while being in school, I think the man has some great ideas, and I really believe whatever it is he wants to do he'll accomplish.
I myself am wondering now the same thing. More to the point, with the time I have and my disability am I going to be able to try and launch into the real world again- in a more conventional way?
I've had a couple thoughts this week. I have an idea for two different books. One fiction, one nonfiction. The fiction one is technically going to be science fiction even though I detest it. However, it's actually a psychological crime thriller more to the point. That's all I will divulge. I don't want anyone taking my idea. The second would be a book discussing how bands got together and got record deals - perhaps a sort of how to for musicians hoping to make it in this day and age. I wanna talk to bands like Fallout Boy, All American Rejects, Maroon 5, Placebo, even how collaborations got done. I.E Timbaland, things like that.
So I can write- I'm building a portfolio. And I know the next step in getting this task done. It's doable.
But I want to do music. With every fiber and sense and in my heart and soul music is it for me. I want to play it, write it, smoke it, breathe it, drink it, fuck it. Music is everything. Is this reasonable? I NEED to get a band together to do this SOON. Not just my cover band. Guys who want to do rock radio playable metal. There's a market. I see it. But how to do this in such a grand scheme? I still don't know many people here. And there's the equipment problem. I need mics, stands, and an amp for my keys. Not to mention everyone else I want would have to have the same. Sigh. Some thing so simple is huge.
Now to psychology- I am GOOD at that. I naturally inclined to after knowing someone a fairly short amount of time to be able to listen, help, predict something wrong, know what meds help what, that shit fascinates me. I would ALWAYS be a student of psychology, even if I got a degree and went into practice. Problem: I'm still disabled. I'm still not able to keep regular hours at a job because of my health.
Here was my solution: Take a page out of Gregory House's book. Become a functioning addict. Take the xanax forever as I need it, get my sleep, go do what I need to do. This sounds insane I know, but it may be the only way for awhile. I hear rehab facilities are nice... :p
There's also using some of my wealthier hookups to try and open a bar. The idea has been tossed around. But where? And a business plan? And how much of that responsibilty would fall on me? Could I handle that?
The world is full of questions. More questions than answers. I am a valuable worthwhile person that happens to be out of the box right now. I have a lot I can do, but limited resources in which to do them. So, perhaps in schooling I will find my path as well.
For now I just hope I can bring some positivity to people's lives. If I changed one person for the better maybe it was worth it.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

We swapped trust instead of spit

I am going to speak from my heart right now. In a very different place.

I thought last night was going to be a normal night, hanging with Mr Blue eyes. I picked up a bottle of Jack, and a bottle of vodka and some mixers. Drove to the city a little earlier than usual. We get together mostly round 8, and I got there at 6:45 yesterday. We watched a couple episodes of Family Guy. Then some King of the Hill at which point he did his Hank Hill impression and I laughed my ass off. Which of course got us back to his Arnold impersonation. We started drinking around nine and watched reality tv for awhile after that. We actually discussed the Tool Academy and he doesn't mind watching my stupid girlie reality Bret Michaels show with me.
So around midnight we start making out (of course.) And take it to the bed where he has leopard print sheets. I shit you not. Silk too. First time I saw that I was like 'that is so rock and roll'. His apartment is covered in posters of bands. Flyers for shows he's done. It's like... Somehwhere I felt comfortable because it really feels like a musicians pad, you know? Anyway, so we go ahead and turn the lights off and take it further. Afterwards, we were both pretty hammered so Johnny got up and made fish sticks. It was a cute gesture since he knows I like sushi so much. I didn't have the heart to tell him I don't really like cooked fish. Ahh well, ate it anyway and it's probably a good thing I did.

So here's where I open my heart.

After fishsticks and more tv, well, the boy is fucking hot... I'm attracted to him every second I'm around him. When his arm touches mine it's like I get this warm glow that just radiates through my body. His blue eyes look at mine, with those long eyelashes and he has this SEXY voice. He speaks in a low voice which is weird cuz when he sings he sounds TOTALLY different. I'm off point.
The point is I had to take him back again to those sheets and be close to him. Except we're teasing each other more this time, and it's heading into becoming more intimate than just being a sort of romp. So we had the testing/ birth control/ abortion talk which I'll admit is weird in the moment, but it was time for that talk. I think it was a good thing I told him about the abortion because it sort of assured him there was no way I was gunna trap him into anything even if something happened. Why would you EVER do that? Women are fucking insane. God knows I don't need that responsibility. He said at that point that gave him more trust in me. So we swapped trust and not just spit. So... yeah. It was... well, I haven't had that kind of sex since Chris.

So I'm laying there in my afterglow happy as can be and he touches my arm and asks why I go in for blood tests and get tested for things so often. So I say well, there's a lot that goes into that... Are you sure you're ready for me to open up to you this way? He nods. So I tell him a little about my past. My health stuff. He listens patiently for a minute and then I see a single tear roll down his cheek. I wipe it away and look at him and say "when you hear things that have happened to me, you understand why I am so complimentative to people. Nice and things. I truly believe you need to say what you need to say in the moment. You really may not get another chance to do so." So I give him a hug. Smell in that wonderful scent and ask him why he teared up. He said "I just feel bad when bad things happen to good people. I don't want to hear stuff like that happened to you." At which point I kiss him and say 'but that stuff is in the past and I don't wanna ruin this wonderful night. It's been so pefect. Let's have another shot and toast to the truth and get back to being cool." So he puts his boxers on and we go back to the living room.

I sat there on his couch for a minute thinking wow. This guy is seriously more than I thought he was. I was more infatuated with him because I like the feeling and he's cute, but now we've shared some intimacy, and I trusted him and told him things. He took it like a complete gentleman. With compassion and grace, and treated me with respect. He gave me exactly what I needed in that moment to feel safe and like I was GLAD I trusted him. I don't remember the last time I felt that. I never felt that with Chris. At which point I thought I was gunna cry. Because I seriously did not know how to react to that feeling. (I did not cry.) He is a man. A compassionate, honest, upstanding guy who doesn't do things to hurt people intentionally. He absolutely is what I was looking for physically. And he turned out to be more than what I bargained for in the sense that I knew he was great, but that emotionally grown up side is there too. I haven't seen that in some of the forty year olds I've dated quite honestly.

The gigly girl infatuation phase is ending. I'm finding the friendship part that leads to trust more quickly than I could have imagined. The respect thing he deepend, and I'm in awe writing about it now.

So we played guitar for awhile, and his stupid keyboard which has about five notes on it lol. Around 4 he started getting tired and was ready to head to bed. So I popped my xanax and laid next to him. He pulled me close and cuddled with me for a minute. And damn him for putting that body so close to me... So we did it again. :D

After that I don't know how the topic came up exactly. Well, somehow anyway the question came up "Do you like where this is? Where it's going" and he said "yeah. I like how mellow it is." And I said "good because I don't want you to feel pressured or anything." So he said, "One of my fav things about our hanging out is it doesn't feel like it's under pressure to go anywhere." At which point I said I did too. (Which is half true. But I'll be patient for now. We'll see what hapens in a couple weeks.) I also told him I still check my mail on the site we met, but I don't go out with anyone or actively try and meet anyone because I didn't want to ruin the potential this had. So I feel that was a fair way of hinting that this isn't a notch in my bedpost sort of thing. I put my arm around him and pretty soon he was asleep. Snoring away. Which I sort of giggled to myself because his cat was meowing most of the night too. Sigh.

So I got up around 12 and snagged another t-shirt. :) I intend to start a collection of Johnny smellling tshirts. Nah, he better have clothes to wear. Don't want all the women pining after him... Took my ibuprofen. Cuddled with mr blue eyes again for a minute while he facebooked about the anime convention in town. (He hates anime, thank GOD. He can keep Star Wars as long as there is no anime involved.) Then I gathered up my jacket, moved it to the exit and prayed I wasn't going to have a hangover. We drank our whole bottles like the pros we are. He asked to keep his as a souvenir of the night. I thought that was great. So I'm home again after a mcdonalds salad and simply... in a mood I can not describe well. Thank God for Johnny. I can't believe that someone like him actually exists in this world.

This is going to be one hell of a beautiful disaster, because I'm not in love yet... But yet is only a phrase for time...

(Weird add on to make it a lyric. I'm such a musician)
But maybe, just maybe a girl like me
Could get lucky enough to call the boy mine...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Dear You

Dear You-

I was cleaning tonight. I mean really cleaning. I know, I know. Can you believe it? I was collecting all the papers and scraps I've scribbled lyrics on and sticking them back in that ancient folder. I was humming to myself, in a productive mood. You now how often that happens. Like, never. But I have been so productive with everything lately I thought I'd extend it to my room.
Anyway, I picked up a paper that was torn on one side and when I turned it over it wasn't my handwriting on there. It was yours. And at the top it said "rules to make this work" and you had written down everything you thought we should remember so we would never break up.
I remember the night you wrote that. You were late (again.) And I was cold. You were trying the hardest you could to win me back. But you were late, and I knew it was because of Diana. You cried a little and said we were meant to be together. That you'd never hurt me again. You said you wanted to marry me, and you knew I was the one. I remained cold but wanted to believe you so badly I could feel my heart breaking yet again. Cracking in half more like. I looked at you with tears on the edge of forming and said "prove it." And you grabbed my notebook and wrote the title. Then said "I'll put it in writing." Then you proceeded to write seven rules you swore you'd remember and look back on.
Then you looked me dead in the face and said "Will you marry me?" for the first time. We weren't even back together at that point. And I like a hopeless dope said yes.
Well you, these days I hope things are running smoothly for you. I am going to take that paper and burn it with the rest on May first. The first day we planned to wed. But I guess in ways, thanks for the good memories. Cleaning my room has allowed me to clean a bit of my soul it seems.
I hope very truly, without anger, without resentment, without spite that you have cleaned yours a bit, and that you find whatever it was that made you so restless with Celeste, Anna, Diana and myself and are able to settle on someone. A person that keeps you from searching on because they have everything you are looking for.
It may seem an endless search, but I think it's out there for you. If you can open your heart and let that person, and only that person in. Good luck you.

-Me

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

We'll Be Together Again

We'll be together again

Sometimes it seems that
life moves too fast
Yesterday is gone,
soon today will be the past
But the times we have together
Are frozen in my mind
No matter what will happen
We'll have them for all time
So don't let me go
Until you're ready
It may seem the rain's
Begin to falling...

But I'm
Still here
Can you hear my voice
Ringing so clear?
I'll hold
your hand
I'll be by your side
Just take a stand...
And we'll be together again

Sometimes it seems
the nights are too short
Leaving us lingering
Wanting just a little more
But let's toast to love
And let's toast to life
And to the powers of fate
That brought us here tonight
So don't let me go
Until you're ready
It may seem the rain
Is beginning to fall...

But I'm
Still here
Can you hear my voice
Ringing so clear?
I'll hold
your hand
I'll be by your side
Just take a stand...
And we'll be together again


When everything is said and done
You know you were the only one
You're name is tattooed on my soul
I can't ever let you go.... Oh no...

Cuz I'm
Still here
Can you hear my voice
Ringing so clear?
I'll hold
your hand
I'll be by your side
Just take a stand...
And we'll be together again
(X2)



-Kate Sparrow 4.7.09

Sunday, April 5, 2009

I would also like to say

I have not hurt myself since Oct 24, 2008.

I can't believe it's been almost six months.

Can it be I am succeeding at trying so hard?

I hope so.

Let's Begin with Friday. A note about trust...

Let's begin with Saturday. A very good place to start. No, I've missed out on what I wanted to say about Friday. Let's begin there.

Friday night Frank was out playing live at the 13th ave pub. I have been promising for 9 months I'd go see him play live when he was at a show I could attend. So, I put on my "out and about" gear, got my hair and makeup damn near perfect, and looked, well, good if I may say so. It takes me 3 hours to look that way though.
So I get to the bar and immediately start getting hit on. It's ridiculous. Literally I tuned around from one guy and into another. This dude offered to sell me Oxy. I was curious how much it was. 80 a pill. Are you kidding me? I know heroin must be cheaper. But I'd never touch that stuff. I was surprised at it at the very least. I never had any intention of buying oxy from him. Dude was crazy. Strung out, like, totally weird.
So Frank finishes with his set and we chat for a few minutes in between til he has to return to the stage. I've been bought a couple drinks at this point, when probably the cutest guy in the bar wanders over to me and says "why haven't we met yet?" At which point I return with "Well, are you worth meeting?" at which point he says "Well I'm Scott and I play in the band soul'd out." I laughed. I know who they are. A competing cover band, but they do more disco, funk shit. So the only thing we compete with technically is gigs. He flashes this really perfect smile, and I just get the vibe he's working me. So I say "lemme guess, guitar player?" "Close" he responds. "bass." In my head I'm thinking another musician... Damn. I didn't know there were so many of us out there. So he flirts with me for awhile, in between getting asked to dance by five different guys. One was a total spaz.

I'm going to interrupt myself here for a minute and say this is going to be something noteworthy when I'm too old to have it happen anymore. So let me live it up while I can...

So, I can tell I'm running my game properly cuz he keeps touching my arm and leaning in to talk to me. We talk a little of how he's an IT guy during the day and some other shit I don't really remember. Anyway, after a minute I run off to get another jager bomb and washington apple shot. I put my drinks on the table. I turn around for a sec because ANOTHER guy has tapped my arm. When I turn back around my Jager is gone. Dissappeared. I could not even believe it. Someone would actually pick up a drink that wasn't theirs and DRINK IT? WOW. That's a new low.
The rest of the night was enjoyable. When Scott asked for my number I politely declined and helped Frank take his gear to the trailer. Then we headed back to Frank's place where we talked for a second and then I went home.

I slept for an hour. I woke up in so much pain, and too tired to return to sleep. I was so miserable. So I called the pharmacy to see if my xanex was refilled, and a MIRACLE happened. They had it. I took my half dead body to the pharmacy got my Rx popped a pill and that instant feeling of euphoria began to take over my body. That ever lovely yet rare feeling of tired. I slipped back into unconsciousness until it was time for rehearsal.

Rehearsal: We set up quickly played two songs and went to pizza. The boys made fart jokes and jokes about stds and to be perfectly honest, I felt right at home. People just as gross as I am. We even made the waitress laugh. So the only problem was this was the first time we'd had any interation with the new lead singer we hired. He talks. ALOT. And is sort of... bossy. I can see us bashing heads on things. But for now, I will try and remain cool and collected and go with the flow. My vote won out though, and we're learning Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins for next week. My second miracle for the week is we FINALLY have two gigs lined up. YAY! I'm so excited.

So after band rehearsal on Saturday night I drove out to see mr. blue eyes and I have reached that point I've been hoping I'd reach for awhile. Comfortability. I wasn't trying overly hard to impress him, and I felt like things were more like falling into something, I dunno, easier for me. I'm such an over analyzer when it comes to guys. What did I say/do? Was it wrong? A deal breaker? I'm trying not to read into his actions anymore. I'm just gunna let the chips ride as it were. So I spent the night. I write today from his computer.
I don't know if you realize how vulnerable that makes me. Spending the night with someone means letting them into my tormented world. The sleepless nights. It means REALLY trusting someone for me. I have spent the night with exactly three people. Alastair, Chris, now Johnny. Wayne has spent the night at my place when he used to visit, but I don't think ever fell asleep with him there. And that was never ever after sex. That was more a matter of convenience.

So indeed, a pleasant Sunday morning has arrived. Beautiful sunny day in the 60s. Gorgeous boy sleeping in the other room. The only thing missing is coffee, and I'll stop for that on my way out. It seems the little things are pleasant, and I feel tired but pleasant. But I hear seagulls and the afternoon calls to me.

F-F-F-FALLING
DOWN WITH THIS HEART
I CAN'T GET BACK UP
THE NIGHT IS CALLING ME
AND I'M FALLING...

Friday, April 3, 2009

Just a thought

I just had a thought.

I used to think I was happy doing coke with Chris, and spending evenings with him, waiting on him to show, always late, but then we'd do lines and it would all get better.

I am much happier now than I ever was then. Single, and drug free. (Except for the occasional pill which was at least a month ago last.) I'm more engaged now in life with class and the band, and just being home again.

How miserable do you have to be to think that withdrawal is worth it and is a way of life? And that someone emotionally abusing you every day is a way of love and a way to redeem your life? I look back at that tonight and feel bad for me then. I really hope I don't allow myself to be treated that way again.

I don't wanna lose the things that make me happy now. For anyone. Or anything.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Another couple days down

So the last little bit has been somewhat eventful for me. Nothing too major, but shit to write of I guess.

Nate Padley's baby momma got ahold of his phone and apparently went through and read our texts. Got incredibly jealous and threatened to never let Nate see the little boy again unless he stopped talking to me. So hey, at least he sent me an email telling me this instead of just disappearing. This is exactly why I don't date people with kids. Not that we were dating. But anything that was developing, even a deeper friendship has been ended abruptly thanks to another ex.

School began Monday and I got there way early because I get lost doing everything so I figured exploring campus would be no exception. It wasn't. I was given the wrong number to the classroom and ended up in an office. Already feeling insecure and small I retreated to my car to smoke a cigarette and try to calm down, tears welling in my eyes. All my school nightmares from middle school flashing before my eyes. Getting lost, made fun of. Afraid speaking up in class would earn me another lame trophy. I wasn't officially admitted to the class because I had to get instructor permission, so I was nervous about speaking with Sara. As well as having not had more than an hour's sleep the night before. I was kind of a nervous wreck for about ten minutes. But I gathered myself, got my notebook, and wandered back into class where I unknowingly took the seat next to my INSTRUCTOR. She pulled a fast one and like a dope the first person I spoke to was the instructor. One up on winning that lame award. Anyway since I really wanted to be part of the class I was fairly vocal on the debates and such. And my efforts were rewarded when the instructor admitted me.
If God wasn't saying this was a bad idea already, I had an assignment due today that you can only find online with a school name and pw, and much to my horror my username and pw weren't working. So I had to get an extension on my first freaking assignment.
So today on my way to class I RAN OUT OF GAS. Yes, I'm aware there are def some road blocks being put in front of me. I was late thanks to it. With no assignment to show, and after getting yelled at the whole ride there by my Father, again with unsteady nerves, I showed. I still can't get my assignments, or what I should be studying for my test. So tonight, for fun, I read most of the text book. It's about 600 pages. I should've been playing music, but everytime I get a new book I can't put it down.I learned a lot about dopamine I didn't know. And more related to cocaine and when it crosses from rec to addictive. Haha. Well, I got lucky I guess. That crazy chapter in my life is over.
I forgot to mention that right before I left for school my computer took a shit and stopped working. Full stop. I have to reload the OS, which took three hours tonight, and STILL isn't accepting. I'm gunna wait for my Dad's help on that after I sleep.

So now I wait for Monday to roll around to see if we can have a smooth day... One can only hope...

Went and saw Johny blue eyes Tuesday as planned. Watched tv, drank a rather large bottle of wine. Talked, laughed, And I began approaching the sensitive topics to see what his reactions to it would be. He let me know a good time when he said "It seems commitment has a way of avoiding me." At which point I laughed and said "I don't think you want me ideas on that topic..." and let it go. But sort of brought it up later again by saying "I'd really like to see you more than once a week if that's possible. I really enjoy our time together." Which he seemed receptive to and made a plan for Saturday. We decided to slake off the drunkeness after our first go round for sushi which he masterfully ordered some calimari dish that was delightful. When we got back, I sort of started making out with him again, which led to a second go round. At which point it was time to go. So Saturday, yeah... I guess that will be after rehearsal. Meanwhile, my next rehearsal is tomorrow.
I've had very little time to practice this week. Gah. I'll try and do some before I run out the door tomorrow.

My diet has been slowly on the decline due to the stress, and not having time to plan meals. So I think I'm gunna run to the store and buy a bunch of fruits and veggies, and not have a choice on what to eat.

What else what else...
Nah, I've rambled on enough.
I'll be back again.