Sunday, March 29, 2009

An entry minus J , Just the weekend

I'm compelled to write, though I'm not sure of what.

Umm, Last night Frank and I hung out. We had a roll of sushi and chatted for awhile. I kicked his ass at Mortal Kombat, then went and saw Max Axle play live. That was LOUD, but kinda fun, then we went back to his place to watch some tv, which turned into time in the bedroom. We talked about deep things for like, two hours. We really connected on that level for the first time in nine months. I think after talking he's a little sad. I know the job situation sucks, and it's got him down. But I guess he's lonely too. Makes me sad for him. I thoroughly enjoy our time together and I'll be sad when it ends. But it's not meant to be more than it is. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. I appreciate him for who he is. And I hope we'll remain close whomever we end up with.

Today I against my better judgement went to see Shae, sort of to talk it out and try my damndest to let him down easy. But I hung with his family for awhile and we watched Milk and actually for a lame Sat, I kind of enjoyed myself. I felt a part of a family again, and I haven't felt that at all since I was a little girl. It felt oddly good. Usually shit like that makes me edgy. I played piano while his dad played guitar and everyone wanted to come see the band play. Then Shae and I finally started talking and I told him how when I started to feel connected to him he opened his mouth and said stuff that made me really self conscious and his preoccupation with superficiality wasn't working for me. He apologized and said he felt bad and stuff. I believe he was being genuine. And it helped a little. Then he begged me to spend the night, but by that time I was having a full blown allergy attack and needed to go. I was gunna leave anyway. So, sigh. I don't know what to do exactly. I just know I can't lead him on. He even started a sentence with "if you and I ever got married..." at which point I was like... wow. That's heavy.

My neck is fucking killing me. I need to call the doctor on Monday about my right thigh. It's in constant pain for the last like, two weeks. It was sparatic before and now it's constant and advil doesn't help. Mental note.

Spring here is shitty. Rain rain rain, and not the usual cool Seattle rain, its the big cold sloppy rain. Blah. Usually I'm all for it, but the last 3 days have been dark.

Bev is coming for lunch tomorrow! Yay! I'm so excited to see her again.

Anyway. Yeah. I'm gunna go. The allergies have come back.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Radically bipolar day...

Aye. Today has been a borderline day for me, though known only to me.
Why does this always happen this way. It's set off by only two things. A guy I like or some devastating fight with someone. So fair warning is these may just be my perceptions, but here's whats running in my mind right now.

Haven't spoken to Johnny since Sunday. I know he can't read my mind, but I keep hoping he'll text me. I texted once yesterday and once tonight with no response. He hasn't made plans with me or anything. I'm thinking the timing on this crush is running out. They never last very long do they? I'd like to give him more credit than to say he's just going to disappear but I wouldn't be surprised. That seems to be a pattern. I think his motivation would be simply avoiding hurting me if he does. Not because he's a coward.

HOLY SHIT! As I'm writing this he texted. Wow. Ok, I still get surprised sometimes I guess. Phew. Again, emotion swings back. Fuck I hate myself. My emotions I imagine sometimes dangling from a string twisting around each other. I wonder if I'll ever be well enough to not do this to myself. I wonder why I get involved or even try when I know it sets me off. I guess the other alternative is to be alone forever, and that sucks worse.

Haha. Ok back to my usual self. We're gunna get together Tuesday.
(All in a matter of ten minutes. God I'm so text book. )
Like today I went from giggly happy earlier talking to Nate, to frustrated with recording not going well, to thinking about Johnny in a sweet way, to considering his actions with me lately and deciding maybe he really doesn't like me, and getting upset, to considering cutting so I could look back at the scar as a way not to do this again, then scolding myself because I don't want to relapse. Then I decided to write in here to get my head on straight. Gah. I'm disgusted. But then he texted and and told me he was in the studio all day [which I understand] and he asks to get together Tuesday. All better. I am usually way more stable than I was today. Today was bat shit for me. I haven't slept much in two days. I haven't had a roller coaster day officially probably since Feburary when Chris and I stopped speaking.

Speaking of that I went onto his profile today and deleted all my comments. It was an impulse, and I'm not sorry. I'm going to throw away the love notes and I hope by symbolicly cleaning the traces of him from my life, and I from his, I'm breaking the bond further, and I don't go back.

Ok, onto the conversation with Nate.
Padley just had surgery on his stomach for a genetic thing he has and he's a little under the weather these days, but doing well on the Loritabs they gave him. So we talked for about an hour while he rested doped up. Good times. We talked about the truth about what was going on the time we were hanging before, but neither of us were honest it seems. Not ready to cheat on who we were with, but both being treated like shit it seems we were drawn together, but unable to tell each other we had someone else . I kind of knew anyway and I suspect he did too. He keeps asking me to come "home." But home is here.
So I keep asking him to come here, but just to visit. Though I've entertained the idea of what it would be like if he stayed. Would we just be too insane for each other? And besides, Mason is his best friend. Mason has picked up the scent I think and started calling him more. I don't know why he would care though. Mase never loved me and our liason though we looked for a house together was relatively short. I'm getting off topic.
So I keep talking about the end of May when I get back and he says that isn't soon enough and started making a plan for April. Isn't that sweet? I've never had anyone say stuff like that to me. Someone without being prompted say I really want to see you. I'll make it work.
He sang me the beginning of a song I know he wrote about me. Made me cry. No one's ever written me a song before. I asked him to email me the lyrics, so I know for sure.
Anyway I think it's great. I think he's great. It's just a weird time. Since I started developing feelings for Johnny, and he lives here, and Nate's there, so I'm in a weird place. I'm gunna have to wait it out for like a month until it feels the right time to discuss getting involved. If that even applies. By then I'll be ready to head back to Utah, and we'll go from there. On that note it'll be weird to see Jon again. Especially with everyone clamoring to see him after the show. He's lost a ton of weight in Japan. I wonder if he still wants to live here. I hope he comes back for the summer again either way.

I got the itch to do the Merc again Friday. It's been about a month since I was there, or hung with Gary.

Ok, well I'm sick of myself tonight, hungry and tired. KPAX is on and I'm gunna wind down watching it. I actually really like this movie.

I'll try and find more positive shit to write about tomorrow.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Update from Thursday Feb 9- Now

In a blog around that time I stated I needed a life change, that I was bored with myself, that Chris would disappear and that I felt I was getting addicted to xanex again. I'm off the xanex, and have been for weeks with no serious withdrawal. (yay!) Chris did in fact disappear and my last blog states how I've spiced up my life to revamp it.
I love that I do what I say I will generally. If I say something in my life will change, generally you can count on it. Like when I said for all those years I'd end up in Seattle again.
I've realized tonight losing 20 lbs by May isn't gunna happen. The math is wrong. So I'll just do my best. :)

Blabbing about my most interesting week

This week has been interesting. Many surprises arose. Band practice was cancelled both nights due to Charlie needing to take a business trip. They've loaded me up with songs this week. I need to learn two AC/DC's, The Journey that is still kicking my ass, and The Eagles. I'm trying to be good.

Johnny and I had plans on Tuesday which he cancelled due to a hangover, so we got together last night instead. We decided to walk downtown for about a mile to the Three Doors which was packed. So we walked a little further to The Night Light, total dive. Johnny loves it, and he was happy there so I was happy. Had a couple drinks. Talked. Let the stupid chemical get to me a little, but then we started walking back to his place. As we were crossing the street to his apartment, the store across from him began to be robbed. People were fighting inside, shit was strewn all over the floor. It was a confusing scene. I pulled out my phone really quick and dialed 911. I didn't know the streets well so Johnny talked to the operator about it. Two black guys came running out of the store hopped into a light blue sedan and sped away. Someone else sort of stumbled through the door onto the street. I was in shock. The cops were there really quickly and rushed inside. So Johnny and I made our way upstairs to watch the scene from his window, which was a front row seat. Then we played trivial pursuit which we tied on, and then made out for a good long while. At which point we decided another bottle of wine would be prudent so we walked another distance to get it. Came up for air just long enough to run the errand then went back to sexy time. It was a blast again. We texted for a bit today and I got a good laugh from some of his texts.
Ahh yes. Spring = Twitterpation. I'm a victim.

This is one of those unbelievable stories about things in my life I guess. Like the last time I rode the greyhound back from Utah right after I accidentally died and a wanted felon stowed away on our bus, where they searched for the guy in Seattle holding us up for an hour. At which point somehow he escaped.
Or some of the crazy drug stories. Or sometimes I just KNOW things are gunna happen. Or how my music isn't me writing on the good stuff. It just comes out, like I'm an instrument for something or someone else...

I've enrolled in college again. I'm beginning in a week. I can't believe it at all. School? We don't get along so goodly. Between band homework and gigging, and school homework, and trying to create a connection with a perfect guy I'm gunna have a lot on my plate. I have to go to the drug classes twice next week to get my certificate for the state. I'm actually thinking those will be interesting if they don't lie to me about it. I'll admit, I'm intrigued. I like to learn.

My diet is apparently working. Jarrett and Simon have both commented without being prompted that my face looks different. I can see a little difference in myself as well finally.

I had a great night with Frank as well this week. I watched his old band videos and one from college when he was 19 and had wicked long hair. God that was funny! We drank a little, played music, talked for a long while. It was great catching up. It had been about a month since we had hung out.

Dad's friend Brian is here so we all three went to Pike Place this morning with all the tourists. Ate a bite sized donut that was hella good. Saw the most beautiful roses I've ever seen in my life! All kinds of colors. Huge. I mean wow. I was really tempted to get one, but decided to save my money for gas. (You know, just in case.) It was great being downtown. I'm never happier than then.

Nate Padley has talked repeatedly about coming up to visit. Funny. I had friends who swore up and down if I moved they'd come visit. It's been 3/4 of a year now and nobody has come. Not many people from Utah call or text anymore either. I really miss Ian, Carley, Dane and Laura. Wayne as well, but he goes without saying. Friends originally Chris' have sort of stopped keeping in touch as well. Not that I blame them. People drift apart. In my life more so, I keep a group of friends for about six months and move on. That's just the way I am. Maybe it has something to do with the insomnia, I dunno.

I hate Sundays. Maybe I'll rent a movie. They have to be a couple I want to see. Milk is fantastic. I'll probably buy that one soon.

Mom called me to tell me she had heard Chris was arrested on the news. I looked into the story and it's not Chris. Someone with the name Christian Christensen. I didn't know how to feel about that. I'm almost ashamed to say that apathy came to mind. It was weird though. Very weird.

Odd note. Ben won't return calls or texts now. Like WTF man? He invited me over after work one evening said he'd text when he was off. Then nothing. I can't count the number of men who have played the dissappearing game just like this in my life. I expect them too now honestly. Being cynical only means it's harder for someone to lie to you. But he was acting so into me it kinda took me back. Oh well. I wish Shae were a little less into me. Here's the truth: I'm gunna have to hurt him pretty damn soon. He's brought up the relationship talk twice now. And I don't want to. Not with him. He sort of blew it when he said things that made me really self conscious around him. I would never be able to be myself with him, and being on my toes all the time wouldn't make me happy. Or feeling fat. Or constantly sized up to his exes. Or just... Wanting me to be out in bfe all the time, doing nothing but laying around with him while he speaks riddles. I need to be out on occasion. Not in Renton, but Seattle. I need to be with someone I feel I could talk to. And with him, I have nothing to say. My drunken stories don't amuse, I'm sure he doesn't want to hear about my other friends. My psychology talk only goes so far, and music he just plain can't keep up, or speak passionately about. I need someone with a soul like mine. Someone who speaks melody fluently. I hate to insert the obvious here, but I know someone who does. And he thinks I'm cute. And wants to see me play live. I can't wait for that.

I'm done blabbing for now. I want to see if I can find the Doors movie online.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Weird Dreams and Twitterpation

Thursday was A-MA-ZING. It was so chill. Went to Johnny's, popped in the Rocky Horror Picture Show and drank a bottle of wine. Then well, I'm not gunna elaborate here, but I've officially crossed from crush to semi infatuation. I'll go more into that in a sec.

Saturday's band rehearsal was so much fun. We auditioned someone REALLY good. I didn't have to explain the harmonies to him. He was really easy going. We unfortunately did not have it together as well this week. I messed up once in Journey, and then once on Billy Idol because the singer messed up lol. We had fallen apart by an hour in so much we were making sex jokes, and Adam even quipped "we're already famous in China guys!" After bombing "Crazy On You" for the second time. So we're calling for an extra reh on Thursday. And then again next Saturday will be another audition supposedly.

Last night I went out to the city and hung out with Ben Perri, the ex singer of From Autumn To Ashes. He walked right up to me gave me a huge hug and held my hand as we walked back to his cute little pad overlooking the city. He made me a crazy cocktail with warm honey, vodka, vermouth and some other shit. He's def a pro mixologist now. We talked about everything and watched a couple episodes of the planet earth. It was another chill evening. He's incredibly sweet and has that sort of indie thing going on. He kept telling me how beautiful I was. I have been a little shaky on my self esteem since I started the diet, and ironically hanging out with Shae, so that sort of was a nice boost. I like him a lot. I think it's too early to approach the relationship topic with Johnny, so I'm gunna bide my time for a couple more weeks at least. Anyway, I'm still single til then. But I will entirely be honest with Johnny about anyone I hang out with.

Which brings me to the weird dreams section. I dreamt for awhile about shit I don't remember then I remember sitting at a computer and writing another article, when Johnny came in sat down next to me and started singing to me. I was adoring it, when suddenly I'm in some fucked up McDonald's with Chris and we're ordering kids chicken nugget meals. (Weird.) At which point I look at him and say "What are we doing here? You can't just come back into my life. You sacrificed the fuck out of me and you're with Jae now. You can't be in my life anymore." He turns to me lifts his hand and says in a loud voice "I'm not going to discuss this." And I realize I've really pissed him off so for some reason (God knows) I start touching his back gently. I'm just doing this to calm him down. And then we're in this same damn red car I'm always in with him, when I dream about him. This HAS to be significant somehow. I woke up soon after because my room was freezing. I was not sad. I was more angry when I got up. I'm officially working things in my unconscious out between reconsiling my old feelings for Chris and the new emotions I'm facing with J.

Ok, I need to go take care of doing my classes so I don't go to jail. That wouldn't be fun. I also need to go back to the store today. My goal is to lose 30 lbs by May 1st. That's the day Johnny Haro will be back in town with The Dreaming. I want to look good for that show. :)

Friday, March 13, 2009

Shitty entry

Plans have been made for 8:30. So, I'm sort of just counting down the hours. Considering running out for cigarettes.

While I was bored, I checked my vm. I hate my fucking voice mail. People always say the same damn things. I hate checking it. Shae is notorious for leaving pointless ones. He fills it up I swear. Meanwhile the past life hypnotherapist called me back. I'll call her on Monday.
Lars keeps calling. He wants to get together and record my tunes. I'm wary of this.
I have two emails saved from when Chris and I were talking. One he promises me he'll never disappear on me again, and the other he says miss you and marry me.
I don't know how stupid he thinks I was. I *knew* all the talking was only temporary. BUT I got to ask him all those questions I had in relation to my studies on APD. And on his narcissism. I feel sadness when I think about this only a little because I know it's never going to happen again. When I get into my next relationship I'll give that one my all too. And the window will be closed. It just sucks to love someone so deeply and to have them lie that way and then one day they don't return calls or texts or anything. I've tried to be understanding, but there is no excuse. I can justify it by saying he can't feel others pain, but if he cared about hurting people he's be smarter. He just doesn't fucking care, and that's a shame for someone smart.

In other news I met the lead singer of "From Autumn To Ashes" through the same site I met Johnny on. Weeeeeeird. I knew them. I did not like their music. It's screamo shit. Not my bag. But we're going to an art show on Sunday. I am meeting all these pro musicians in the last 9 months. It almost feels like a sign I'm on the right path.

I gained two lbs back. Boo.
I'm working these songs out today. I'm looking forward to reh tomorrow. Can't wait to play with the boys again.
Carrot time with some ranch me thinks.
I'll be listening to "Pavane" and getting ready to write my next article.
This entry sucks. Blah.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I'd forgotten (More Killjoy nonsense)

I'd forgotten exactly how quickly the process of falling for someone happens with me. I'd forgotten what it's like to be in someone's life who considers my feelings and how things work when I don't have to try to make it work. Seattle Represent published my article on Johnny's band today. So we texted for a few minutes, then he asked to get together tomorrow. He asked, I didn't. I'm so glad he did though. I was too tired to try and get together tonight. After Tuesday I can't wait to see where tomorrow goes.

I had sushi downtown tonight at the Wasabi Bistro. That was fun. Ryan is very good looking, but he's a shit talker. I'm not down when people say nasty things about other people. I think we have different priorities. After hanging out with him I had been having this thought repeatedly in my head this week. It sort of proved it. If you have exactly what you want, you don't have to look for it anymore. So I hope this is heading where I'd like. I've never had anyone fit so well what I want. The stupid things that I never thought I'd find all in one person. While I was on the pier I also bought a scarf for the mic stand. Walking downtown at the dock at sunset is magical. Truly. It was perfect.

I know it's only ten but I'm exhausted. Bed time for me. I'd like to dream tonight. Besides, I am seriously looking forward to see where tomorrow goes. My thoughts are in only two places right now. Work is the other. :) Sweet sleep.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Baby's Got Blue Eyes

Wow. Happy fucking Tuesday. And a happy fucking Tuesday it is. :)

I didn't sleep last night but from 10pm-2am. Then I spent all day online. Met a cool bloke in England. Then couldn't fall asleep. Finally got tired about the time Johnny texted me. It was around 5pm now. I said I couldn't come out til I got a couple hours, so I crawled into bed and slept again from 6-8:30. At 8:30 I got up, tossed on some Lady GaGa and got ready for my evening. The one I'd been looking forward to. Drove out to my beloved city and parked outside Johnny's flat. We talked for a few moments then headed x the street to Dragon Fish for sush. He was funny. We ate a little, had a drink and a couple glasses of wine, then switched to a local brewery and sampled some of their beers. It was a perfect evening. He looked so good. He wore a black shirt with a gold emblem and jeans. I wore my leather pants and my music hoodie with my leather jacket. He told me I looked great. I blushed. As we were walking back to his place after last call we held hands. The first real touching we've done. Then we got back, and well, all passion broke loose.

He finally kissed me. I had stars. Then kisses turned to making out, and eventually I had to put the breaks on. I'm not letting the stupid juices get to me. But his big blue eyes were gently surrounded by his dark hair. And, ho boy. It was hard. But I'm home again rehearsing for band practice and hoping he'll call on Thursday. And catching up in here so I have this memory for awhile. Thursday I'll write again perhaps.

Til then... Sweet dreams. :D

Monday, March 9, 2009

Good news weekend

So my Sunday evening Monday morning is wrapping up with a 6:30 showing of The Parent Trap, cuz, hell, there's nothing else on. Here's my review of the weekend, crazy wonderful and tumultuous oddly. Very karmatic:

Saturday morning I woke up far too early. While I was turning on my computer and zapping instant potatoes, an overwhelming pain erupted from my abdomen rendering me breathless. I fell to the floor where I rolled onto my side and held my belly. It was excruciating. After about 2 minutes I tried to move back onto the couch. I couldn't. I began to cry from the pain, and a little from panic. My phone was on my bed in the other room. I crawled from the front room to my room hardly breathing at all. I called my Dad, who didn't answer. He went on a HAM outing this weekend and wasn't home, far, far away. So I crawled into the bathroom where I took some ibuprofen out of desperation, even though I've been told before by more than one doc and the lady who completed the abortion not to do that if I had stomach pain. I called my Dad a second time and he finally picked up. Hardly getting the words out he said to call Jan, my friend and neighbor here to see if she could take me to the hospital if needed. I rang her. No answer. Then I called the Everett clinic's doctor on call to see if I should go to the emergency room. I got two separate voicemails. I was so desperate I even texted Simon to see if he could come get me. I crawled back to the computer to look up whether there was a cause for what was going on and the kind of pain I was feeling, when it FINALLY began to subside. The cause I found could have been a couple things, but the one I've been avoiding testing for and turning a blind eye to. Ovarian cancer. I avoid having to do anything with that part of my body. Def not my fav part. I'm... Just not ok with anyone messing around in there. I've reached a seriously traumatic decision though. If I don't do something now, I'm probably gunna be facing more pain in the near future.
Anyway, once the pain subsided enough to where I could start breathing again I climbed back into bed and slept for a couple hours. Set my alarm though, I was NOT gunna miss the second audition.

Got up, washed my clothes, threw my keys in the car and drove to Lynnwood. Last one to arrive, even though I got there five minutes early. Said hello to everyone, including Chad who was also auditioning for a second time for lead vox. We started right in on "Power Of Love" which was rickety in the drums tempo, and a couple screw ups here and there. But overall it was amazing to be there and playing. We did my Journey next and it sounded... Just ok mostly because of me which made me a little nervous. But then we did "Rebel Yell" and I fucking nailed it. So did everyone. Chad's one good song. Everything else went ok. End of the rehearsal Adam walked to my car, smiled and said "really fantastic. We'll be in touch."

So I came home, looked up the addy of where Johnny Killjoy was playing and went to his show, again. We hung out, and talked. Then I got a text. "We want you in the band. You in?" Hell yes I'm in! Woo hoo! Had a couple drinks to celebrate but not too many. Then I drove Johnny home where I hung out for an hour shooting the shit and nothing more. I looked into those blue eyes, and played with his cat. He sang an acoustic set for me and I ducked out the door to head home. I shot him a text on the way asking about Tuesday which we had already discussed going out on. He sent back he was excited for it. I didn't let the stupid chemical get to me. I played it smart that time. Hopefully I will on Tuesday as well.

Anyway, last night I hung out with Lee after having slept off the hangover I earned, and now, here I am. Ready to smoke my last cigarette and go to bed again. I got to pick the next song for the group, and I chose Heart's Crazy On You. Seattle band. Very fitting.

It's freezing here. Snowing actually. I have more to write, but not tonight. Talk to you soon.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Anon Blog Random Update

Friday morning. Still awake, but that's fair this time. I slept from 9:30am yesterday morning til 10pm last night. Thanks to one extra pill of Tylenol pm! Damn. I forgot how dypohydramine will put you on a fast track to lazy given to an o.d. I was desperate again. This week has been left and right and up and down, and all kinds of crazy.

Last night however, newly single and VERY SEXY Dave spent the night. No, we did not sleep together. We spent the night in the same bed and acted like teenagers giggling all night long. Then he fell asleep while I tried for a long time. It was weird. It was like, the closest thing that I've had to a relationship moment here. Nobody has spent the night here, except new years eve when Matt was too trashed to drive. And even then I slept on the couch, and he slept in my bed. And I was irritated. And yes he tried to get some, and he was denied. (I chose not to sleep with Dave because I'm figuring out a certain guitar player's intentions I'll mention in a sec.)
Frank and I have never spent the night together after an intimate evening. I take off from his place as soon as were done talking after, which lasts for as long as I'll let it. He's more of a cuddler than I am. I haven't seen him in a month though. I'm not chasing him. He'll call if he feels like it.
Then, there's hoping I'll see Johnny. LOL!
Tonight I texted him and asked how his Thursday went and he had been drinking a nice bottle of Zin. So we texted for a few minutes and I said next time we got together I'd come prepared with a bottle of wine. He interprited that as me coming over with a bottle then. Haha, an hour later he texts me that he was waiting for me to show up and had read the texts wrong. LOL! Had I been invited officially I would've been there in a new york second! Wow. I can't believe a man that beautiful actually exists. No less, thinks I'M the cats meow. See? Getting excited. Need to play it smart and make the "stupid" chemical that happens when you're attracted get itself in check. He wants to hear me play. He gives a shit about my music. How cool is that. Anyway, blah blah blah, I could go on and on. Changing stupid topics lol.

I've lost weight. My diet is working. That's great, cuz I'm hungry half the time. This week has been frustrating learning all these songs! Wow. I'm so excited for Saturday, but nervous too. I do NOT want to fuck this up. Huey Lewis is a bitch. Seriously. And Rebel Yell is crazy with the noise changes and with a crazy tempo... I'm working on those like mad. I hope I have Journey down now. So, not much to update this entry but I'm sure I'll write Saturday. Til then anon-blog! :)

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

A contiuation on my earlier blog.

Yup. My earlier blog stated I'm starting to desire being in a relationship again (On Myspace.). It wasn't Chris or anything. Even though I broke down in my last blog and stated pretty clearly how angry I was at proving myself right. My feelings got brushed aside for... Whatever. It doesn't matter and he won't ever matter again.
I met someone that Thursday he dropped off the earth for me, for God only hopes the final time.
I met, easily said, perfection. What I mean is perfect for me. All those impossible qualities I thought put together I wouldn't find... I'm gunna jinx it by talking about him, but hopefully not if I just state facts.
Our first date I went and saw his band play. Guitars. Eyeliner. Middle cut black hair. We talked as much as we could through the first band but since I decided to use the date as a way to write my next article for I had to pay a little attention to 'To The Sea.'
I tried! Really! But then Johnny Killjoy bought me another drink and soon we were both pretty toasted. Then he played on stage. He had amazing charisma. Yeah, not hard to see this one huh? So I drove him home probably a little too soon, but he invited me up. Good sign. We didn't even kiss though. I pet his cat, we joked around and I left. I got a text from him yesterday about maybe getting together Wednesday. I don't know if I should rock the miniskirt again, or if I should go more casual. I was all done up for the show. Anyway, I have a lot to do this week. Brings me to my next paragraph.

I got a second audition for the band! Yay! I can't wait. I got that news on Thursday as well. Wow, Chris stops talking to me, I meet a man I didn't think could exist, and a second audition announcement. Karma was, sort of in balance that night. However, even though there was good, I let the negative get to me. Seems like a big blanket statement about Chris. I just wrote out my anger, instead of hurting myself. Which means, I'm glad I have this little page because it'll be healthier ways to deal with everything.

Anyway, back to the original statement. I was afraid with my unresolved Chris issues that I wouldn't be able to commit to anyone, so I've shyed away from it. The first amount of chemistry I had with anyone I would've considered was Simon. But he simply is too uncommunicative. I already see therapy in our future if we get together. But I've started missing that feeling of someone being there. Spending your evenings with someone. Going out together, even rolling with someone. (Not that I haven't rolled. Believe me. Everything I've gotten here has been AMAZING except for the pills Alastair got. Oh yeah, my first bf I lost my virginity to and I dropped some pills that turned out to be mescalin. Hell, there were from England it's not like I was gunna turn down foreign pills. Though most of the pills are canadian here.) My intentions have slowly changed. I needed time to heal. Now I need to feel a connection that hopefully turns into love and something like forever.

I also forgot to mention I got in touch with a spiritual therapist, and left a message. I want to do some past life reading, and rgression hypntherapy. I need to resolve some things. Find my center. Speak to Ethelia. See the people I don't have in this life, for whatever reason. It feels maybe like my core isn't in this life except for Bevin, and my Dad. I've got people I have feelings for, but they don't feel in my same soul circle. Wayne is important. Ian is as well. But I hope it doesn't cost too much. Everybody seems to be sort of transitory. Chris is a whole nother game. I don't where the fuck he fits in all of this. I used to think we were soul mates. Maybe I still do, but we can't get it together. And I gave him chance, after chance, after chance, and he could NEVER put my feelings before his. Maybe it's just a lesson.

Anyway, I'm tired of blabbing. I was hallucinating earlier and very sick due to 40+ hours of nonsleep. I haven't caught up yet, but I should try.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Fuck. Just Fuck.

He did it again.
He swore up and down he wouldn't but he did it again.
He promised me more than once he couldn't,
But he did.
He played the magician card and vanished from my life again.

Why don't you trust me he asked.
Because you go more than you stay.
Will we ever be there?
And I said Do you want me to automatically grant you trust? How can I?
And he oozed charm, and picked his words carefully.
And still I said no. I will not be able to trust you.

2 Days ago I gave him 48 hours to call. To text. He did neither,
He broke it.
He Broke it.
Sorry, but I have other offers now.
I'm not waiting for you to save me.
I escaped you.
So go fuck yourself.
You wanted me?
Too bad you didn't text in FORTY EIGHT HOURS,
I know hard it is.
Given two days you miserable fuck.
My famous friend texted me in that amount of time.
Jon texted me.
Johnny Haro texted me.
The ones I keep tabs on all over the world talked to me.
Poland, Finland, England, Germany, The us.
They all talked to me.
Bu you.
You dedicated "three years to me."
You couldn't be bothered.
Even at a six hour warning.
4 Hour
2 hour
Even at a last hour goodbye.
Fuck off.
I'm gone now.
I'll fuck someone else now.
Don't try and fix it
You can't.
Fuck April.
Fuck your promises.
Fuck your "love"
Fuck you leading me on.
Fuck Seattle.
I'm here. Leave me this.

Fuck. Just fuck.
And goodbye again.
Check your god damn voice mail.