More Than I've Said Before

The Last One

2010-01-17T22:41:00.000-08:00

Well friends, I'm at the end of "More Than I've Said Before." It's been one crazy year and one day in my life, in this blog.

I've considered just deleting the whole thing so as not to incriminate myself any further, for anyone who finds it in the future, but that would be a whole year's worth of thoughts, life, love, experience, time, and work down the drain for nothing so I'm keeping it here. Just to rest, and for me to look back on.

The year has been filled with all sorts of things. Some interesting, some not. When times got dry I tried to write about my past. I tried to move on in self discovery. I tried not to harm.
I am afraid on occasion I did harm, and for those times and for those people I feel truly badly.

I wrote new music, switched bands, bought a new bed, tried a new drug, got a new boyfriend, lost weight, then of course gained it back. (Always with me) Made new friends, had one diagnosed with AIDS, got into more fights than usual but felt more content too. I played VAST more than any band this last year. I saw one of my idols live, and met a man I'd corresponded with for over a year and respected at of all things, a Christian concert.
I saw one of my dreams fulfilled in having a recording with a full band of a song I'd written. I have managed to not self harm in a year. I painted too.
I managed to die once, and was taught yet again how fragile life is. I was diagnosed with a new illness myself. I had another amazing Halloween (though not quite as good as the last) and experienced another trauma, one I haven't spoken of.
I forgave my ex finally even if I am still mad at him, and really looking back on this paragraph I suppose I did more than I thought I would. I wonder if I did more than others? Less than?

I have made my new blog, written my first entry and I'm really actually sad this one is ending. I feel it's all for good reason, but I am sad to see this one ending. I worked hard on it.

"So here's to the night's we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gunna come too soon..." - Eve 6

Email me. Stay sane. Send love. Be better than they think you are. :)
Blog on.

Ks

2010-01-13T05:07:00.000-08:00

My hands, my clothes, my senses...

Everything is drenched in him right now. I close my eyes and I can still feel him as I nuzzle against his neck, his scent intoxicating my every breath.

I've set up my next blog but I'm too... whatever to write in there and continue this.

J is my love and I am seduced entirely by him, body, soul, and everything between...

KS

Frank; Lungs; Showbox

2010-01-06T21:13:00.000-08:00

Haven't written in a few days because both of my puters crapped out at the same time. I'm writing from my laptop but it is FUCKING SLOW. I'm sick of it. I need a new one.

Made it home from Utah in tact, but I'm afraid there was more to this trip than I realized.

Frank was calling me six times a day at least while I was gone. He became jealous, possessive, and suspicious while I was gone, all under the guise that he wanted to make sure I was doing the right things because he wants what is best for me. He had a total cow when he found out I'd seen Chris. I began to confirm what I knew was coming, and when I came back he told me he loved me and he thought we should be together. We fought everyday I was gone. I just want to be free to live how I see fit! I didn't know exactly this would happen or when, but since then I've been trying to find the right words to say, and figure the situation out. I guess they came to me this morning, and cried to him on the phone saying I loved him and always had, but we couldn't be together and he should take some time to grieve and move on. He agreed. It was hard and heavy dude. I guess you can't spend that much time together without someone falling for someone. This is the second time I've had to do this while being with Johnny. If you become a threat to my relationship I have to.
I am sad to say I never knew Frank had that side in him. The controlling kind of guy, who would read my texts behind my back, and scold me for every little thing. I used to be able to tell him everything. He said I could never make a good girlfriend because I want to still live like I'm single. I thought that was unfair. I don't pick up on guys in bars, or get flirty. My time with J is precious and the only reason I'm not there more is because of his schedule. Just because I want to hang out with Summer or Sarah by myself on occasion, or that I go to bars alone when J can't be with me... Yes, I see my ex boyfriends on rare occasions. I saw Ali last in October, and Chris for the first time in a year while I was in Utah. He's a million miles away and obviously no threat. (To J and I, I mean) He even had a problem with the night I hung out with my best gay duo, and the night I saw Wayne. It was rediculous. Wayne has been, and will be one of my best friends for life. I adore the fucker. Anyway, I don't do very well when someone starts telling me what to do, and I think it came from insecurity.
He also said I was getting pudgy again. Today I have eaten a pear. That's it. I'll make some broccoli in a sec, but I can't believe he would say something like that. Now I'm insecure about myself. AGAIN. I gained 7 lbs being in Utah over the holidays, and God knows I wish I could start running again now, but...

I had my second major asthma attack of my life 3 days ago. I was at Johnny's, and I left my inhaler home. By the time I got home again (after the 30 minute drive) I was barely breathing and light headed. I had my mom on the phone in case something happened, but I couldn't talk. She finally managed to guess what was going on by the weird breathing on the other end. Even when I finally sucked in the rescue inhaler it was only a temporary fix. The next day I was still feeling short of breath and in pain, so I called the doctor.

I had to see someone new because of the emergency circumstances. They gave me some sort of breath test to see how my lungs were, which I failed miserably. My lungs crackled inside as I coughed and wheezed my way through the visit. The doctor said my lungs had been severly compromised by the major attack and I need to get them back to "base." She also said that it looked as if my immune system (which should have helped) was failing more quickly than anticipated. She said I wasn't to be around any cats for 2 weeks, or do anything to hurt myself further. They stuck me on a huge new regiment of pills, and now I'm wondering just how much more my body can take.
I hate to admit I still have smoked 2 cigs since the attack. (Maybe more)
I did go to Johnny's yesterday to make a steak dinner with him to celebrate his huge news:

He's got a show coming up on Friday at the Showbox. Johnny's really making it. The Showbox is a huge deal for a Seattle bands. I saw Moby at the one in sodo. I couldn't be more happy or proud of him. He's absolutely amazing. I'm getting my hair and makeup done as a bonus. Yay.

Speaking of, I need to run see him now, and use his computer. I'm going to try and set up all the new info tonight for the next blog. New year, new blog.

I will fill you in on all my exciting secrets I've had to leave out of here! And I agree with Syd, maybe the friends who don't want to know all of me, aren't my real friends...

Mortality

2009-12-27T23:54:00.000-08:00

Lovers, friends, and lovely strangers greetings.

Hope your holiday was great. Mine went without hiccups. I got what I had asked for, a camera. I've never owned a camera before. I've always been really unphotogenic. But I asked for it so I could have concert pics and such. Not really pics of me. Though, I did post a few to my facebook from the party I (and Casey) threw yesterday. Luckily everyone came out. It was fantastic to see all those people again. We had to push 3 tables together, which is no small task at a bar like Area on fetish night. It fills to capacity, and they have to start turning people away. Luckily we've always had an in there...

Anyway, even my sister asked why I wanted a camera. I love to take photos of other people. I have a knack for making people look good, and some knowledge for lighting and such. But really I just want something that says I existed. I existed for the short time I did.
This has become more important to me in the last 6 months, and I'm unsure as to why. Maybe I'm starting to really feel the crunch of time which is making me question a lot of things in my life. I'm going to start voulenteering one day a week at the homeless shelter when I get back. I'm going to do manual stuff I'm sure, which I'll handle as much as my fibro will let me, but I really just want to listen. I don't think people listen enough to the less fortunate. I don't think anyone cares about them. But I do. Frank offered to come with me. I think he wants to feel he's doing something for the greater good as well which is commendable. He worked seven days a week though, til yesterday. He finally negotiated two days off which is great for him.
I've been telling him he needs more time to find himself. To have time for himself. That the money isn't the most important thing.

I've always been one of those people that draws people in and manages to change them somehow. Frank is starting to see my gravity but he's so damn stubborn. I think he's coming to realize what the important shit is- at least to me. I changed Carl's life, and Shaun's. I even changed Chris-

Chris called me the other day and I said something and he said "ahh yes, your philosophies that somehow always make sense." The bottom line for any of them is 'in the scheme of things does this matter?' if the answer is no, bag whatever it is your doing for something that does!
My best girlfriend in the world Bev is completely opposite of me- she knits for fun, and she bakes and while she's a little messy since she and the love of her life Josh got together she's even better at that. She's a music junkie too, though not to the degree I am. The point is, she gets it. She does the things that matter to her and make her happy, and she doesn't waste a lot of time obsessing about shit that doesn't matter.
Frank, I hate to say it, is super judgemental. He says shit all the time that shocks me about other people. He doesn't think he is, but he makes snap decisions all the time about people. Especially people in my life, or people I'm interacting with. On the flip side he is constantly worrying what other people think of him. And really, I've never heard a bad word. But he freaks about whether his socks match his outfit. Shit dude! Pick a pair! No one is gunna see them anyway!
This is just a point in the point I'm making.
That shit will never make you happy. The shit that makes you happy are your hobbies, and your peeps, and the fun times you have doing something you enjoy! (Hell, it can even be your job!)
And for the record, when you come to see me you are coming to see me right? Not my house? So if everything isn't perfect does that matter to the people that really care about you? It doesn't me.

I'm making a huge roundabout here. Frank getting the two days off after I convinced him it was a good idea is just something I see him needing right now, especially when our talks turn to the topic of he doesn't know what to do with his life currently. He needs to address his depression. He always says I've been the easiest person he's ever met to talk to. Wayne thinks so, as does Chris. I just think that listening without judging is a skill all people should have and to my dismay most don't. I wish I had someone like me in my life to talk to hehe.

In some weird way this all ties in with my mortality. What I feel in the dark when I'm lying there by myself contemplating whether I'm a good person and if I'm using my time wisely. Who else does that I wonder? Can I help other people enjoy their life and live to the fullest?

I tried to tell Johnny it would be nice to have more time with him. I've been saying it for quite awhile now, and he told me yesterday he's going to start having Fridays off. The reason I see him needing some time and Frank needing time are two different stories. Some people I think would benefit from working more. I wish I could. Instead I write, and wait.
I don't think blue eyes hears me sometimes when I tell him I appreciate him, or what he's trying for us. That extra day helps. I miss him so much I ache in moments this trip. It's been ages since I've felt that pain for anyone. Feeling it and saying it are two different things. I wonder what it means.

Tangent:

I see now I have a facade. When I was a little girl I hear I used to run and hug strangers. I wanted to love everybody and threw my arms open to them. Now I don't say anything important about myself unless I'm directly asked. My shunning of all things girlie began some time ago, I believe with the color pink, and then most colors all together. The love stories my sister and mom loved seemed far and distant. Even girls were creatures I felt awkward around because I fundamentally no longer understood them, or what they were about. How could they say such vile things of other girls? Who were they to judge? Everything slowly changed and I became the good time girl. I understood what people wanted of me. Be happy. Let them talk about themselves. The thing is, when you become that person nobody is ever really there for you. If I needed a ride somewhere, or someone to talk to about the hard stuff in my life I have my dad basically. I used to have that sort of though, but

I ran away from my own life...

Now that little girl is some mid twenty weirdo who writes songs about heartache and blogs to perfect strangers about personal shit. She breaks alone, and mostly silently. I've closed off my arms to strangers, in a nieve loving fashion. I'm not depressed though dude. Sometimes my hormones make me depressed, and sometimes there are situations that happen that just leave me with my hands in the air and tears on my face wondering what to do but I'm not sad. Not even now. I'm just exploring my past with you, and in essence, myself. Thanks for coming along on the ride by the way, and if you feel you've been villanized I apologize. I know no villans. Some people are in your life to teach you something, or make a situation harder because you need it to be. I can be frustrated with a situation, and yes, the players, but in the end I always should be learning something.

On another note about Johnny quickly before I dive back in, we actually had a long text conversation a couple days ago which was really awesome. Talking to him makes my whole day. When he pays attention to me I feel like the sun is shining for me alone, and I adore it. I think it was the day after I wrote the blog about only texting once or twice and he's made the effort to talk more. I think it's just wonderful.

I was listening to Evanescence the other day. A song called Cloud Nine. I rebought the cd with my Christmas money and as I sat there listening to this song I'd forgotten I felt a twinge of pain in my heart that radiated through my body. I sat there feeling consumed by it for a few moments and found myself turning one of my oldest and dearest cds off. I shocked myself.
How dark and tormented was I that I would listen as her words of pain echoed through me as my own? I would ache so deeply. I had forgotten how deep a pain that was. How utterly gripping and horrible I felt for years.

"Guess it wasn't real after all
Guess it wasn't real after all
If I fall and all is lost
It's where I belong..."

How I could be so cruel to myself is a mystery at this point. Why was it acceptable to torture myself in such a way when I have NEVER hurt another human so badly nor would I? I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. I let another human contribute to my darkness, and I never should have. I blame it now on the oxytocin. (The chemical your brain releases when you're in love.) But it wasn't his fault. I think I just needed to get out, to pull myself out, and in that I owe my Dad my life. Getting to Seattle was the best thing that ever happened to me I think. How long would I have let that go on?!?

I started this very weird blog on the note of getting a camera and why that was important. I see now why people feel a need for pictures of themselves. I have to get over the fact that yes, most of my pics are gunna suck. I need to suck less when it comes to taking them though. I don't have a single one with J and we've been dating ten months, as of today. We're closer to a year now, just knowing each other. Perhaps that's just me being stubborn or something. I am famous for it myself. But that would be proof we were together. That I loved him, and there was proof. I didn't need proof of anything, but now as I start to feel differently I'd like to have some pics to look back on.

I am going to do something now I've tried very hard to keep out of here but I need to tonight. Forgive me.
The camera is going to help me keep track of my weight. How I look to a camera. Pics likely no one will see, but I fucking despise myself sometimes and that's the harsh truth. I look at my hips and I'm dismayed. I see my stomach and I want to just give myself lipo with a botched knife job. When I'm serious about losing weight I write down everything.
The truth is some days I eat a lot but not usually. Usually I just eat normally, but I don't fucking exercise enough. They say just 30 minutes a day helps. Why can't I do that?!? Why can't I do something to feel better about myself? Because I'm lazy? Fuck dude, that is not a good enough excuse for me. Do I really want to spend the rest of my 20s and possibly my life as "the cute bigger girl?" Fuck no. If I hear that one more time...
People that say that shit make me crazy. They make me feel like I should grab an eight ball and disappear for as long as it takes. When I weighed 109 everyone told me how great I looked. The people that cared- my Dad, and Paul- said that I was too skinny. That I was looking like an auschwitz victim. But I never heard negativity- just concern. People don't see that when they say that stuff to me I immediately retreat into myself and feel guilty for days. About anything I put into my body, even water.
It's even harder knowing that I was skinny once.
I was skinny once.

Moving on now, into a less Kate hate topic; my mom and I have gone back to our old relationship. She treats me like a child, and I anger because I want to be treated as an adult. Then she angers back and a fight ensues. You know, I remember saying in a blog that we were improving. That we didn't fight as much. That I liked it. But now that she has no chance of getting Dad back she's reverted into her narcissistic tendencies and I'm collateral damage. This trip our fight has been over whether I can turn the heat on downstairs. She says no, not ever. And it is less than 20 down there at night. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think so. But we have had a major blowout over it.
I am so tired of dealing with people that CAN NOT see what everyone else sees. When everyone sees why dad left and how hard she is to deal with all she sees is her own abandonment. She thinks she did nothing wrong. If nothing was wrong, why did he leave? And why have I seriously told her that when I stay here, I will be looking for another place to stay? Our relationship sucks, and she thinks its perfect, and that its perfectly normal for her to get in my face and threaten me while I sit there silent til she leaves. Then I cry or try to fight the urge to S.I. (I haven't, btw.)
It's not normal or healthy and yet we do it every time. And the cycle continues, and I can't get better.

Meanwhile in music news I've finally managed to steal a bit of Chris Hall's writing style, and it's something I've tried repeatedly and failed at. I'm finally getting somewhere with this song and I can't wait to finish it and show it to the band. It's a song about betrayal of course. In keeping with the only theme I write fluidly in.

Took an oxysomething last night while I was at Area provided by my ex and felt really blissful for awhile. No wonder it is such a hard drug to pull away from. It made me not know where I was on drinking, and it took me awhile to sober up enough to drive home after I came down. So glad I got to feel that though. That warm feeling that goes through you is really something. Felt sick to my stomach this morning though, but not hungover. Weird.

I'm surprised at how emotionally drained I am this trip. I'm going to be ready to get back to good old seatown and people that don't demand as much of me. The conversation has been great with my old friends, and I hope we will manage to stay in touch as much.

Anyway, you're probably thanking your lucky stars as I've ran out of shit to say. Heh. You knew there'd be a big one after all those piddly ones. I can't be that quiet that long.

I think I have officially decided to stop writing here though. I'll start a new blog, in a new space, but likely only strangers I've met through this blog will have the addy. Funny that, the real people in my life, don't actually want to know the real me. Maybe that makes me a shitty person. Something I suppose I'll contemplate tonight. This blog had a good run- a year on the first. So this "More Than I've Said Before" will mark the year I was 24/25.

It hurts, that I can't be all of me to everyone, but as I said, I'm the good time girl. And this is the real me, the shit I hadn't said to anyone ever. This was my place to be honest, and bleed emotionally. To mark the events and thoughts of my life. But my thoughts are more than most can handle, and while I knew this I trusted the wrong people- and I only trusted them to get me right. Love is suicide, and I have loved everyone I gave this address to. I am blessed to have had such strangers and Shane and SB and Syd find their way into my life and onto my page, and stay. Pain is entertainment right?

This isn't goodbye yet. But we're close folks. And sometimes goodbyes can be fucking bittersweet and beautiful.

Mortality...

Eve dudes

2009-12-24T01:30:00.000-08:00

Aye, it's beena few moons since I've written anything.

I'm going over many things in my heart and head, and again it's hard to write when I can't discuss what they are, because I'm afraid people will use them against me, or as been proven in the past, get me wrong. I'm thinking of scrapping this blog and starting a new one. Literally, that's how censored I've become. My life has many aspects in secret and I don't like it. I don't like that I was once free to write my thoughts and my experiences, and people didn't feel they were portrayed as evil or the bad guy. For now though I'll continue...

I'm in Utah on holiday. It's been a weird fucking trip. Spent my first night here Christmas shopping. Got many new clothes, and I was very pleased. Then Chris and I got together for a short time for a talk. He brought a bottle of Jager and I had about five shots right off. Didn't feel them. Hung out, listened to a live cover band and then we parted so we could head to Ashley's party separately as his girlfriend was gunna be there, and I respected the fact it would look badly to show up together.
When I arrived however, I wasn't greeted with the regalia of friends. I was hardly greeted, and after getting my first drink Chris' ex Amanda came up to me and in her most bitchy voice said "if we knew you were going to be here, none of us would have showed up." Merry Christmas to me.
Then, when Jae arrived she took me into a back room and began to tell me how much she didn't trust me and all sorts of other shit in some high pressure situation. I sat patiently and then escaped for my last shot of Jager, closed out the conversation and left remembering why I hate it here.
I'd been invited to the party legit and plenty of people like me, it's Chris' fucking crazy way he has with women partly. Ahh well. You can't be everyone's friend.

The next day was more shopping. Went to breakfast with the whole family. Sat around bored listening to people talk about lame shit, until Johnny texted me and told me Britany Murphy was dead. One of my nicknames is Kitty, Kitten or Pussycat. (It all comes from the Kathryn thing) and she sang on a song that was quickly coined mine in our roll group "Faster Kill Pussycat." Plus she's done stuff I like, so I was sad.
I went with my aunt after for more shopping, and managed to bag lots of cds which I was very excited for. Spent the night at home because frankly, I didn't want to know what else I would get into.
The next evening was my return to the Highlander. I went alone, sat in the back and had a few conversations with strangers. Nothing major, but I felt kind of lonely. I've been feeling sort of lonely this whole trip.

I woke up soon after with a puffy face. I was blowing black shit out of my nose. I was having a real hard time breathing. I called and made an emergency trip to the doctor. The sinus infection I've had since the middle of November was back, and back with a vengence. They told me it was a fungus that had moved into my sinus cavity, and hadn't responded to the first round of antibiotics. They gave me a second round, and told me if I wasn't feeling better in 4 days I needed to come in for my first round of steroid injections.
With everything else that's going on it appears my immune system is really tanking. I need to start taking vitamins and immuno boosters. Anything to try and help...

I know my Dad's lonely too because when I talked to him on the phone yesterday we lingered for awhile. He's planning Xmas for grama at our apartment. That's nice, but I know he wishes he was still with us for Xmas, if nothing else. He always said his favorite memories are of me and Carrie at Xmas when we were little.

Meanwhile Frank has been calling me about 5 times a day since I've been here, and picked a fight with me everyone. He's not coping with my absence well. He REALLY didn't want me to go for 2 weeks.

Johnny and I text once or twice, but don't keep in touch too much. I know he's been out with Amber while I've been gone and will spend Christmas with her. He spent Thanksgiving/his birthday with her too. I really wish that were my role- as I stayed home from Utah for Thanksgiving to be there for him. He said he finally spoke to her about the way she acts around him when I'm around, but I'm afraid it's too late. Everytime I watch them together I just start shaking, and every time someone posts a surprise picture of them together of them somewhere I wasn't I feel this stab go through my heart and chest. I'm tired of going out with him and getting asked where Amber is. It's like I'm a third wheel in the Johnny and Amber show. It even creeped into my sleep as that dream I wrote about last entry. He knows how I feel... But he hasn't done anything to change it except tell her to back off when we're both around him. I just want him to be happy... But I want to be happy too.

It's Christmas Eve officially, this blog is almost a year old, can you believe it? We're heading to my grandmother's for dinner at five, like usual for tradition. Mom woke me up for pumpkin pancakes this morning from my den downstairs. I'm just writing and thinking mostly, and planning to go downstairs again to retreat to one of my new 15 cds. Maybe facebook first.

I wish you love this holiday. Sorry it took so long for an entry. We will sspeak soon though. Have no doubt.

Water

2009-12-06T07:44:00.000-08:00

I was at a mystery bar somewhere. There was a river surrounding it. It was dark. Johnny and Amber were inside and I sat at the bar watching them. Everytime she'd touch him- scratch his back, pick lint off his shirt- I'd take a shot. I wondered if he knew I was there.
Everytime I'd take a shot the water surrounding the bar would rise a little. Soon I realized I couldn't drink anymore. I couldn't take anymore in, or watch anymore. So I left the bar and walked to the water.
The water was black and the night was freezing. Looking down my mind urged me to jump in, and I did. I felt the water hit my lungs cold and abrupt. I closed my eyes, I was getting so heavy and I sank.

Then I woke up and cried.

Bubbles

2009-12-02T12:20:00.000-08:00

I just had a long phone conversation with Chris. We hadn't talked in about a week and we usually don't talk on the phone. Just text once in awhile. It was a good conversation. I'm watching "Crash." I'd never sat down to watch this movie even though I wanted to for awhile. It is amazing. I didn't realize how good it was gunna be. There are a lot of surprising twists which is something I really appreciate in a movie.

I'm making plans to return to Utah for Christmas. I'm reading everything I can get my hands on these days. I had to switch from Ambien because it stopped working, so they put me on Lunesta. It's ok, it doesn't give me eight hours and after I take it there is a REALLY nasty taste in my mouth that lasts all day but it has helped a little. I want to try something else though. God I miss Xanax. I think I can get more in 6 days though.

I looked at an apartment yesterday. I like the guys that would be my roomies, but I'm not too big on the place. It's further away from Seattle then I would like. So, I guess my search continues.

You know, I love my sister and we get along much better these days then we ever have, but sometimes she is not in touch with reality. I feel bad for her because she lives in a bubble, but at the same time I suppose I'm glad she's protected in ways... I remember days when I was so broke I had to beg my mother for money for food and necessities, while we were applying for social security. She made me chose between the two. I always chose the necessities unless I was really hungry. That was the real reason I ended up weighing 109 lbs. Then when we got approved for food stamps and everything I started to eat, and because I knew what it was like to starve. I ate more than ever and gained all the weight back in a matter of weeks.

I was homeless because keeping my dogs was the most important thing in the world to me. I was sleeping on the cold floor of some one's basement that allowed me and my pups to be there for two weeks. I wasn't going to lose my babies. Fate worked out that time to find me a place in that two week time frame to go but it was right after the rape, and I was pregnant with morning sickness the whole time. I went straight from being homeless to being home for a day, then had my first abortion.

I bring this up because she was complaining on the phone the other day about how having only have one job (her chosen career she's only going to be able to student teach now instead of being able to do that AND work at the law firm) won't allow her to eat out as much. Don't get me wrong she works hard for what she gets. She's always had enough money to live and have a disposable income. But when she started in on that I had to get off the phone. She will never know what poverty or despair feel like. She's never had her car broken into or money stolen. She has never been hungry or homeless. My life has been such an amazing fucking train wreck that somehow has turned out alright. I am still able to smile most days.
I am tired of being so broke. Relying on a system that often leaves me absolutely penniless before I get money again. I feel helpless when that happens. Frank bless his heart offers me gas money on occasion but I never take him up on it. Well, I borrowed five bucks from him once but I paid him back in two days... I just hate being at other people's mercy.

I breathe in most days knowing I'll never see that day or that moment again. I look at things and people in my life differently than most people do I think, because people assume from one day to the next things will be the same. People will be there. In my experience this isn't true. Like even last night sitting with Johnny holding his hand. I felt how smooth his skin is, and how long his fingers are as we sat with his friends and drank. I cherished that moment so much.
When Autumn fades as it has now I hope I make it through winter and that I'll see another summer. I never feel I Rollerblade enough these days.
There are moments when I'm high and I hope it never ends. I took two vicodin last week (prescribed to me btw) and laid on the couch feeling like I was under a warm blanket and hoped that feeling would never end. It did far too soon.

Ok enough rambles about stupid shit for the day. Closing thought: I am entering a new program at a place on Dec tenth and I'm not going to say what for or why, but I'm actually kind of excited about it. When the times come, all will be revealed. But my soul is hurting right now even if I am happy, and I need to find a way to work with it and maybe some of my physical stuff will go away. That's sort of the goal.

Stay well friends.

Turkey-ness

2009-11-27T09:15:00.000-08:00

I'm leveling out thank God. I've been consistent the last two days now, so except for my usual complaints about not sleeping, I'm happy to report I'm ok again.

Made the doctor's apt for Monday. Apartment hunting is a chore and not as exciting as when I first started looking. I'm still trying to feel my Dad out on the situation. I think he wants me to stay living with him wherever he goes. I love my Dad and love him as a roommate, but I'm wondering if it isn't time to try to do my own thing again? Anyway, he says he wants me to be happy but I worry about him being on his own on the days he's feeling down, and there are a lot of those. I worry about my dad more than anyone on the planet.

Thanksgiving was cool. Johnny's bday fell onto it this year, but he spent the day with his brother and Amber so I ended up with Frank. Went over after Daver Thump's and crashed on the couch so I could be there to help start all the prep work and stuff in the morning. This was my first Thanksgiving on my own. I let Frank do all the turkey stuff because having me botch the main deal wouldn't have been good. I made the potatoes, and let's be honest, that's the most important part so ha. Cat napped in the afternoon while he went to the store a second time which was the first real sleep I'd had in awhile again. Then watched part of the Supernanny fest on tv while everything was finishing up. We finally were ready to eat at like, 6:30 and so I spent the day with my dear friend and the dinner came out marvelously. There were plenty of leftovers for turkey sandwiches and such.
He read "Journey of Souls" after dinner because I lent it to him. I've never had someone be interested in knowing what my spirituality is really. I know this is maybe cheesy to say, but it really is a part of me and has only deepened in recent years. It's really personal though and I don't just bring it up. This my blog however, so you're stuck listening to me for a paragraph. Skip it if it doesn't interest you.

I never bought being raised christian. My earliest memories of church and stuff were being ostracized in a youth group that supposedly practiced tolerance. I was bored by it, and it simply never felt right. It felt hypocritical and there was no comfort in it. Then when Petey died I gave up on God and the concept entirely. I was angry and couldn't find any logical reason for his death, suicide or not. Years went by. Many years. Then I went on a few dates with this guy Darryl and he felt the need to reach out to me after a few discussions about God being bullshit and such. He gave me "Journey of Souls" and asked me just to read a little promising me it would be unlike anything I'd ever read. I was skeptical but always up for new reading.
I tore through the book finding logical and scientific reasons for everything I needed. I didn't have just plain faith then, and still don't. I want explanations for things. But there were many things I felt in my 'soul' that were being confirmed as truths, and suddenly something bigger made sense to me.
The whole concept is based on hypnosis which I realize some people think is bullshit, but hypnosis is just a state where your brain is creating theta brain waves, like it does when you're dreaming. If you don't believe hypnosis works then yes, this part would take "faith." I knowing very well the different things and levels that happen during sleep, believe this is possible.

Anyway, with a spirit guide looking out for me, well, that was easier to take then some vengeful omniscient being. Having a purpose for being alive was a comfort rather than the pointless existence I believed I was living. Especially with everything I'd gone through, I needed to believe there was a reason a guy held a knife to my throat and violated me. That being something I hadn't worked through at the time. (That was before the rape and subsequent pregnancy at the party.)

The possibility of past lives was exciting for me. Like a never ending story. My attraction to Egypt, my being in tune with my Irish heritage more than anyone else in my family. My ability to pick up a language fairly quickly when I was younger. All of these things just seemed to make more sense.

Let me say I'm not getting preachy here, I don't care what you believe as long as it makes you happy. But I do what I want, as long as I'm not hurting others. There isn't guilt attached. There isn't fear that if I do something like smoke or drink or fuck that I'm not gunna make it to heaven. Everybody makes it to heaven dude. You just have different things to deal with depending on how life went for you. I don't judge what other people do. Well, try not to as much as I possibly can.

Anyway, it was nice of Frank to take an interest. He's a good catholic. I doubt it'll change anything about his thinking, but I don't care either way. It'll just be nice to have something new to talk about.

After dinner we went to his room to play with the cat and watch "American Psycho" which I managed to make it through without sleeping. However, as the movie ended I dozed off again for about 20 minutes. Then it was time to head to J's and that's where I am now. His birthday party will be later tonight at a local bar. I'm gunna try and catch a few more zzz between now and then.

Shades of Me

2009-11-23T07:07:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm in good spirits so that's good. For having gone all over the place again the last few days... I was decidedly hollow and sort of lost earlier today. The moods are lasting less than an hour in any direction, so while I can write with a good spin I'm gunna. Even though I started a blog earlier, and it was not as they say, upbeat. (Again, this is frustrating because sometimes it feels I'll get stuck in the fucking dumps for years. I can not handle that one, end of story.)

I confided a little in Alastair earlier today and he said he'd feel the same if he were me too, so I suppose I am justified. Knowing my emotions are at least valid for what I'm going through makes me feel better about feeling them. And yes, sometimes as a person with bpd I do need to be told it is ok to be feeling what I'm feeling. Ali isn't usual the person I'd turn to on these things, but he needed someone to talk to as well, so it just sort of worked out. Nothing major was said, but it was nice to be reminded he still cares about what's going on in my life.

Meanwhile I worked hard this afternoon actually. Frank got a new gig at a bar here called Daver Thumps and when they realized what a good kj he was, they asked him to play dj for Friday and Saturday nights as well. Well, Frank isn't a dj, but I am. He also isn't up on today's hip hop much so yesterday as his first night djing was, kinda rough. I say that with love. So he asked if I would help and of course I said yes. So, while he was working his other job today I spent the day doing research, mixing, planning set lists, and trying to coach him a little. Got to the bar around 9:30 to hand over the usb drive and such and tonight went smoothly. Luckily it was a karaoke night for him, but he did get requests, which, if I may say so were totally my fault he had. :) Anyway, it made me really miss doing that. I have missed karaoke hosting as well a lot, but I get a little of that anytime I sing karaoke. I have nowhere to practice beat matching or anything... Granted, running a show at a bar like that isn't the same as doing it live.

We made pizza again after the show tonight and talked for a long while. No tv or anything. He asked me some questions about past lives, and I asked him questions about dude behavior, and we had our usual rants. We're big rantors when we're hanging. Mine was actually mostly about people hiring monkeys to do dj work, but there was one about how disgusting men are after a conversation I was included in about how if a girl doesn't fuck you in two weeks it's totally acceptable to move onto her friend. The fucked up thing is the friend does it, and this is why women hate each other. This is why we'll never run the world alone. Anyway, there I've started again.

There are fucking stories from the last two nights at the bar too, but I'm thinking I'll collect a few and put them in their own entry. Which reminds me I never did write up that Levi entry. I better do that before that memory totally goes. It's starting to fade... Bits of it.

In another thought- I know I'm loud. I know I can come of as demanding (even though I am SUPER conscious about this I still know I do.) I am late for practically everything. I get really uncomfortable in my own skin sometimes. When I'm writing music, bugging me to do something automatically makes me moody. I don't clean house often, or very well. I get sick way more often than my share. I snap at my little sister and mother sometimes when I'm feeling dominated. Sometimes they don't deserve it.
All of these things combined, I'm still compassionate. I think hard about what I say when it comes to saying something about another person. I hate hearing people talk shit. When I give my heart away, I give it all and when I'm honest, I'm honest but tactful. There is very little "brutal" truth with me. (Unless you're reading this, but this is all me being vulnerable and seeking self truth in here.) I forget many things, but I never forget to say how much I care. I have no regrets when it comes to decisions I've made. I'm smart even though I'm ditzy. (I wasn't always ditzy- I swear and everyone that's known me for years agrees- it's the drugs. I blame ambien. I really fucking do.) Sometimes I'm funny.
These are fucking things about me man. I like to think I can look at myself somewhat honestly. I don't know what people say behind my back about me, or what they'll say when I'm dead, but I hope there a few good things. I just gotta remember in the next few days while I'm yo-yoing as I likely still will be that I'm not an evil person. I am just a person, and soon I'll be the person I know to be worthwhile again. How do I get people to see all of this? I'm thinking of changing the name of this blog to "shades of me" since that's all people get. This blog believe it or not is not as raw and real as it once was. It feels like a lie when I omit things. But I must. It's my blog I realize, so I get to chose. But it feels like a lie not to tell cohesive sometimes major events, because, well, I share the event with another and because of the rules I've set in this blog, if it is another person's experience I omit. This is out of courtesy and respect.

Randomly switching topics... Gotta reschedule my dr apt for the one I missed while I was sick tomorrow, and look for apartments as I've been slacking. I need to finalize travel plans for December as well. I will get to see my favorite nobody, Wayne, and my family, who again, I'm missing dearly now. I want to look into school for next quarter, and I really really gotta get on top of band shit. Oh, and look into getting a new cell. Mine has hit the bricks more or less.

Five

2009-11-19T05:46:00.001-08:00

For the first time in my life I can admit that I miss my mommy and today I spent a good deal of the day actually wanting to return to Utah for a short while. I've got a hell of a sinus thing going on which is helping me quit smoking. I haven't had a cigarette in 5 days now. Longest quit run ever, and I don't want one. (yay) I haven't seen Frank in five either. It's been five days since I got violently ill.

God, time passes so quickly doesn't it sometimes? When I was a kid time used to drag on. I wanted to be an adult so badly, and the sooner the better. Then I got to be an adult and live on my own and god, that was the best! I remember the first night I spent in my first place I lived independently from my parents in Sugarhouse. The guy I was dating (and I'll admit, not terribly interested in) Eric and I grabbed Betos, my fav Mexican food joint and had a food picnic on the floor of my bedroom, something I'd never done before. I hung out with my new room mates Lloyd, Kurt, and Jay. (I've never lived with chicks. I don't think I could handle it.) I walked to the corner coffee shop the next morning reveiling in the Christmas lights that were likely only hours from being torn down. I will remember that day always.

Anyway that was before a bunch of the stuff happened and I was still working and sustaining my life in an admirable effort. Sleeping pills were on and off at that point. I hadn't done drugs. I started chasing a guy that lived in Southern Utah who, frankly, was never good for me and too long distance anyway. But... I felt like an adult for the first time and it was amazing. It was the first breath of happiness I'd had since being forced to leave my beloved Seattle the summer earlier.

I don't know why exactly I'm reflecting on this at 6am other to say that it goes so fast. The Holidays are coming up, and that makes me miss my family as a unit for what seems to be looking back the only time we got along really. (This may be a false memory.) And that went fast. The year and a half I've been here has gone fast.

Five days have gone by. In another five who knows what will have changed.

Tomorrow I'll write something more concrete.

Sending love out.

ASSERT

2009-11-17T01:00:00.000-08:00

My entries get more erratic as emotions come up I don't know how to deal with. Things I haven't dealt with in years. Things that have made me think it's time for me to call Lisa again, and start talking to her while I'm in Utah.

This blog was begun as a substitute for talking to someone who knows what they're doing and it's been great for getting things out I suppose, but there are things even now I'm not comfortable with sharing, with anyone. I've begun reading deeper psychology books in order to learn how to deal with things but I can't do it by myself.

One of my biggest frustrations my whole life has been my type a/b personality. I was born type A. I was an independent kid. I wanted to do things on my own but realized I needed other people and was able to manage the balance. I can't pinpoint exactly why but when we moved to Utah it all changed. I think it must have started in school and being rejected for not being Mormon and such. I think that's when it trickled into home life, and maybe the abuse started simultaneously. I don't know. All I know is around age ten everything turned to shit and I stopped trying with people. I should have stood up for myself then. Should have taught myself better habits then and there, but I didn't- not to mention I had no one to show me.. I fell silent and thus became very type B. I was never shy- but I didn't understand how to relate to people anymore. Socializing was a big fucking mystery. I was a social awkward geeky tomgirl that spent all my time on my bike, my blades and playing my video games. I let everyone in my life take the lead. (Something I'm still good at.)

My social trick became early-on the flatter. To add positivity to the interactions I was having. I always promised there would be no false compliments. But even as nice as I was I was accused of being falsely nice. Never would that have been me. I only wanted to be genuine. Open with a compliment, find out something in common and go from there. Yes, I want people to like me. Do I care what they think though? No. Because it's usually driven by their own false impressions.

Frank and I got into another conversation this evening about my social shit and why I let him stay around... But that's for later.

The very round about point I'm making is I miss being assertive. Saying "this is what I want. This is what I need." And getting it. I need help relearning this. Setting reasonable things for other people. I'm tired of being taken advantage of and used and I want to stop it, but because it is a habit I'll need help. We'll start with that and go from there. I have another major issue to address and I think it will require talking to a group so Im researching that.

Basically I'm in a situation I can't ever let hapen again. I need to empower myself and learn better coping mechanisms. I have to grow some scar tissue over my past even now. And Some of my best work has been bettering myself.

Ok, ambien time. Coma, world.

Dogs & stuff

2009-11-11T14:37:00.000-08:00

What do you see I wonder? Do you really know me?

Hmm, I had a lot of question in a rather pensive entry all typed up but I realized I'm not interested in being that deep today. Delete.

So fluffy entry it is. For once.

The days I get to see dogs are good days. The days I get to play with dogs are great days. Give me a pooch and I'm content for hours. You know, growing up I was always allergic to dogs. But I was around them all the time so as I grew up, I grew out of the allergy. I'm still allergic to short hair dogs like labs or jack russell's, but my favs have always been fluffy dogs anyway. Smaller ones you can cuddle with are great. Maybe if I had a small dog again I wouldn't feel the need to cuddle with anyone else as much lol. I love picking up Suni and coddling him, but I ALWAYS get sick after doing that. Makes me very sad. Frank's started referring to me as "auntie Kate" as in "auntie kate is coming over." That makes me smile.

I'm in a great deal of pain right now. I'm having an unusual "why me" moment, but I think I'll be ok once it goes away. I wonder why this is happeneing if the pills are working? Maybe we need to try again. The Rx thing did go through and now my scripts only cost 1.10. CAN YOU BELIEVE IY? I'm going to spend $5 a month instead of $150 or more. That's insane. I'm stoked dude. I wish I could heat and melt my left shoulder. Maybe it just needs to be amputated. I am currently officially useless.

Ok, as this worsens and I have nothing interesting to say I'm gunna pop off. Maybe I'll write more later.

Thoughts on Romance

2009-11-09T04:55:00.001-08:00

My life has been far from a fairy tale. My happiest moments are mostly on drugs. (Well, ecstasy; there have been some majorly weird moments on coke.) I have some childhood memories far away from my teen years that were sources of pure innocent joy. But there is nothing like the feeling of being in love.
Romantic moments for any woman I assume are few and far between. The men I've dated have had shallow ideas on romance mostly. Mason's finest moment was shoving me into heels that didn't fit and making me go to the Rolling Stones concert. I was miserable the whole time. Alastair had a dinner planned once, but we were then joined by a set of his guy friends. Chris and my fourth date at the red door was romantic because at the time he was exactly what I thought I wanted, and I was already crazy about him. There were many moments on X with him that were good but those moments feel now like it could have been anybody really. The lies he'd whisper under the strobe only gained momentum because of the drugs. I seriously wonder sometimes if it hadn't been for the E if we would have stayed drawn together for so long...

Johnny and I have had more separately than anyone else I think. The first sushi dinner we had... Getting lost and caught in the rain looking for a bar. Halloween. The first night at his place even though I left after. The Panda comment he made and thus a source of smiles from me every time. How thoughtful he was when he bought me the Eeyore figurine. When he sang Toadies at OFins and looked at me during a specific line in the song. Did I say Halloween? Heh. He started buying white wine because of me I think. That was sweet. The day I should have been driving to the hospital for an ekg and he just held me while I shook and felt like shit. That shouldn't be romantic, but it is to me because it meant so much.

I don't know what my future holds in the way of "fairytales" or even romance or anything, but I suppose I'm lucky I've had the few times I've had. I'm lucky to have shared more meaningful moments with J than anyone else. I hope we get a chance to connect again soon. He's got a show on Thursday I'm excited for. Meanwhile I get to sleep in my new bed for the first time and I get ambien tomorrow again, so I'm gunna try and get up early enough to get it. Night

Babbering

2009-11-07T12:09:00.000-08:00

I love my boyfriend. I really do. He is one of the most amazing people in my life. I love going out with him, and hanging round with him. He makes me laugh and he thinks in ways I can't. I love that about Johnny. Being around him makes everything ok...

Meanwhile I feel I'm sort of on a weird type bender. Not intentionally. I've been REALLY fucked up two nights in a row, which means even without the pills I've gotten a little sleep. But mixing it with the new pain meds and the other pills I've been taking, my body feels it's really taking a beating not to mention the fact I've gained 5 pounds again. My own damn fault, for the last 2 weeks I've been eating whatever I wanted, and haven't felt much like keeping myself in check. You wouldn't believe how hard I have to diet to just maintain. With the intention to lose weight I have to really like literally eat salads, and low cal soups and things it makes me grumpy because I want pasta and potatoes. Mmm carbs. My love. Anyway I really feel like I gotta take better care of my tummy and body. Starting tomorrow. Heh. It's weird, because for a few days I hardly ate. I had no appetite what so ever and then it came back and I went crazy. It's lucky though, with hard work I can fix it and I will.

Bought my new bed yesterday. Fuck yeah! I can not wait to sleep in it. It's getting delivered in an hour, but then I have band rehearsal. I bought 400 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets for it yesterday. I couldn't find flannel. Maybe I'll ask for those from my aunt. She introduced me to them when I was younger, and it's been a love affair ever since. SB you should come to Washington for a sleepover. I think that would be fun hahaha.

Frank and I for a little weren't hanging as much because I was dealing with my own shit.You probably noticed I haven't been writing about him, but I'm trying to sort of make it up to him. He introduced me to a new karaoke bar yesterday, and I have to say, as far as karaoke bars go this one was pretty awesome. Not Irish, but that's it's only strike. The people were friendly, they had NEW songs (I sang Natasha Beddingfield and a new Pink song) and the drinks were HEAVY. Seriously. Frank decided he needed to get into my texts though while I was singing. I don't know why exactly. He's always saying I should introduce him to Summer and that's well and good but the distance thing and schedules it just doesn't happen. Besides, I don't think he's Summer's type. But whatever. While I was asking if he found anything good in my phone and snatching it back from him I heard my name. "Kate?" So I turned and someone I didn't recognize totally hugs me and asks how I've been. I play along for a sec and talk and finally ask where I know him from. He says O Fins. Then his gf comes over and I remember. It's the couple that wants to have a 3some with me. Good people, fun really, but I never followed through. I think my 3some days are over, outside if my boyfriend wants to have one. This isn't the first or even fifth couple that's asked me this. I wonder why exactly. I asked them last night...

They responded with I was respectful of boundaries, I am a lot of fun, and I am beautiful. Pssh. Ok. Respectful yes, which is part of the reason I think my 3some days are over. You know, as far as sex goes, I've done more or less everything I've wanted to. There are things I want to do again, but... I'm pretty experienced because I didn't want to be close minded to anything. I love the sex I get now because the person I'm having it with makes me want him like, every second and it's good. His skin is completely irresistible.

(Side note I love using this ... Have you noticed? :)

This is day two I'm hungover. I think yesterday's was worse though. I need to take it easy for a few days. I go in for another blood test on the 18th. Better study up.

In other good news, my disabled ass now has been approved for some help on paying for my God damn prescriptions. YAY! At the height of everything we were spending 300 a month on my pills. It's about 150 currently and we had to pay it because there was no insurance for pills. Just the doctor visits. So, this makes me happy because we'll be saving money. Maybe it can go towards rent for my new place when I get it.

You know, the second I start thinking 'I should try and get a job. I kind of miss working (some jobs') is the day my sleep gets out of whack and I realize how short a stint I'd have at any job I got. Then the pain flares up and I return to icing it, or back to bed. It's so frustrating to be so... broken... when I'm so young. I feel guilty when I see older people working menial jobs and I hear people start to talk about social security and who it should be for. I feel they think I'm not disabled because I'm young. Even one of my really distant relatives in Minnesota began in on it and Dad nearly strangled him standing up for me. I love him for that. But that old codger is a racist bastard with all sorts of horrible views on things.

I wonder if someday I'll be well enough to do something again. At this point I think besides the standing all day and having to clean things I'd even enjoy doing fast food or something. I'd rather do something else mind you, but meh. That's funny because for a long time I felt that was beneath me. Now I just don't give a fuck. I love doing data entry. When I worked for the banks doing the... oh my god, I've completely forgotten what the name of my position was. I've been researching this for ten minutes now. It's driving me crazy! Hang on...

And of course the Internet is now running slowly. Perfect. It was something clerk I think. Hmm.

OOO! While I wait I just got an email from Levi Weaver. Fucking awesome. I'm getting the songs he's releasing online now because Wayne got 2 subscriptions as a fail on his credit card company's part and he wants to transfer one to me as my xmas present. Levi is cool with this. I'm stoked! Man, meeting him was... amazing... I wonder if Johnny knows how much I appreciated him coming with me? Having him there as something that was so important to me.

Ok, I'm done blabbering for now. I have chicken noodle soup waiting, and the hangover is getting worse. So typing isn't helping. I'll figure that damn name out later.

(Just spell checked. Glad I did. Wow, I was bad today.)

Heat/Xanax

2009-11-05T04:33:00.001-08:00

While I'm waiting on the heat to kick in, in my room and the Xanax I've just taken to save me to kick in, I figured I'd write again. So, hi!

Back and forth this week again, not so lucky as to coast yet. Didn't figure that would happen again for at least a little longer, but meanwhile I've been riding the emotions out better than I have been. Except for Monday night. Grama ended up in the E.R twice Monday night, then ended up with us again, and I fucking heard all this while I was with Frank at his place so I just broke down like, not even for me. For my Dad because I'm so concerned and worried for him. I just bawled to Frank, which is the first time in over a year he's seen me cry. He was very patient and comforting and sweet which was what I needed so that was very nice. But then I got home and they were at the hospital and I couldn't sleep. So I got ragged again. We had to put off the bed hunt for a few days more. She's doing ok now, but we gotta visit tomorrow again.

I realize I got angry at her for the way she's acting. Treating Dad and I like her personal slaves. Uncool. And sometimes it's hard to have the same conversation every thirty seconds, but she can't help that. Just like she can't help the fact she can't take care of her shit after the operation. I feel bad when I think about this for being angry at all. But then I think back on my childhood and how she assumed 50 bucks every holiday would make up for the fact she was never around... And I feel hurt. Abandoned...
And I realized a lot of my stress this last bit has been maybe due to my abandonment issues rearing their head. I've been left on my own and to my own devices so many times in myself... I have revictimized myself at my own hands, and at the hands of others. I don't know why, because it's not logical. But it's happened.
I wonder why when she saw my Mom abusing me and said something to my dad nothing else was done? Nobody stepped in. My dad couldn't because Mom was just as bad to him... But someone else could have that mom couldn't have given shit to. I'm glad we don't have that relationship anymore. We're still very different people, but since Dad left she's changed. Anyway...
Sometimes I worry Johnny will leave. I feel it isn't true deep down, but my instincts tell me that's my history but...
Ok, vulnerability. I feel more and more for him the last week too. I don't know if it's the after rolling affect because it's never hit me this much. The intoxication of being around him is almost unbearable sometimes. His smell, the touch of his skin... I want it so much. I have craved the security I feel with him my whole life and when I admitted this to myself a few days ago I got scared, because the more you feel the harder you fall. I have never EVER trusted someone the way I trust him right now. It takes me ages to even get close to this feeling with even guy friends. I have become the pussy I warned myself against.
I wanted to feel happy with someone, without the razor blade edge. I haven't felt that with him ever. He doesn't shut me down like it seems the others have known how to do instinctively. I want to make him laugh. Make him happy. I want him in my life and I want to move closer to him so things aren't long distance so much anymore, and we can fall into a more normal routine, so I've begun looking into it.

It's a dream come true again, trying to live on my own in my mistress, my city, my oxygen. Wandering the streets with a place of my own to return to. To make friends there. To start my life independently where I want to be. It could be in reach and tears sting my eyes as I write this because it seems surreal, but I will make it happen. I will take my meds more responsibly and try my best to stay well, because I won't have my Dad to help me when I need to be in bed all day. Winter always signals hibernation to me which sometimes helps my health, but sometimes destroys it. This year I want to better me. Then I'll look into school again. I'd like to go back again.

Anyway, Xanies started to take me so I'm logging off. Hopefully I will write with good news tomorrow or in a few days. Meanwhile, stay sane yourselves.

PS- SB I love you. I'll be by to comment on your crazy ass shit soon. ;) <3

WB Kate

2009-11-01T16:15:00.000-08:00

Holy fuck y'all. It's been an insane 2 weeks. I haven't been writing because I haven't felt like it which in and of itself is weird because I love to write. It's a part of my soul. But I let depression get the best of me and to be honest I was gripped in the throws of a very long ptsd episode. I feel it ending now for this I am entirely grateful. I am returning back to myself slowly but surely and can feel the clouds lifting and I am gunna try and appreciate life in a way I shamefully admit I was not recently. So here's a recap:

My father moved my grandmother to Seattle where we could take care of her. She stayed with us for a few days. She stayed in my room and one night she shit the bed. Dude, it was a mess. I started making noises about needing a new bed about a month ago to my Dad even though I've been thinking I needed a new one for years now. It was sort of fortuitous that it happened that way, but dude, now the bed has to go for sure. While she was with us she made us wait on her hand and foot. She woke Dad up every half an hour or so the first night and he was ragged. I've never seen my Dad so fragile. The second night I made plans to hang with Frank, (we sort of have standing plans on Sundays) but canceled because I couldn't see my Dad go through that again. So I stayed up all night and well into the morning taking care of what she needed. I hate to say this about family, but she is the most selfish person I've ever met. My sister comes close to second though. She complains CONSTANTLY. Anyway it was hard. We finally got her into the home though and now the stress is just having to visit like, everyday. She has Alzheimer and I try to be patient with her, but the afternoons usually consist of having the same conversation repeatedly. Needless to say I needed a break.

I'm not much of a crier these days. My teenage years were hell in and of themselves, and when I start feeling that dark I get scared I'm returning to a place I won't escape from. I'm amazed none of my suicide attempts took me out. There were many back in those days, 2 landing me in the hospital. I'm off point. I bring this up because I was crying a lot and I knew something was wrong. Just wrong inside me. The stress was overwhelming culminating in a complete breakdown on the 26th. I lost the only key to my car and needed it that evening. My sleep for days had been nonexistent again. I felt sick. I was done dude.

Meanwhile in a surprising twist of fate Chris and I began talking amicably again. I'm content with this because we're trying to mend bridges and nurse the wounds we left on each other. Nothing inappropriate has been said at all. It's been very platonic. Talking about life, work and of course, music. I always could talk to him about music because we were so in sync musically it was scary. We love the same djs and I don't know anyone besides him I can talk electronica/trance to. His favorite bands now minus Depeche Mode are all ones I introduced him to.
I didn't realize how much of our relationship I had blocked from conscious memory until we began speaking. He'll say something like "remember the time we did this?" And in all honesty I say no. Then he begins to describe what happened and the memory trickles back in. But it was gone. I guess I did it to protect myself, without realizing I'd done it. How weird. Anyway, it's good to have my friend back. It's better that there are miles between us now and we can't get tangled again. I'm happy with Johnny, and he's mostly happy with Jae so... our future isn't what we thought it would be, and I think strictly remaining platonic he won't disappear on me again. But it is having it's intended purpose and that is simply helping me heal the abandonment issue life gave me, and he scared me permanently with.
On the night of the 26th he sensed something was wrong and called and I didn't go into what was going on but he cheered me up and made me laugh and that really meant a lot to me. I don't know if it's a sixth sense in us or what exactly but we can always sense when something is wrong with the other.

Moving on. The first cry started a night I was with Johnny. Last Tuesday. Some very hurtful shit went down, not on Johnny's part but seriously made me question being able to stay with him. God, I love him I really do but I felt like there was sabotage and pressure and I really didn't think I could take it any longer. So Thursday I had him meet me at the Nite Lite where we drank a little, (possibly a lot) and came back to his place. I didn't know how the evening was gunna play out because I'm a chicken shit but eventually all the shit I'd been bottling up poured out which culminated in a huge angry cry fest in a way we've never had. I collapsed in a heap just sobbing at one point my heart completely broken in that moment. How could I make him see how this was affecting me? How I wanted him? Needed him? Loved him? And that I would do anything to make the relationship work, but I seemed I couldn't. Johnny asked me not to go that night and I was thankful he said it. So I slept next to him and the next day we had our Levi Weaver adventure. Johnny liked his music, I was a little surprised he would, but Levi is the definition of a performer and any true musician appreciates another good musician even if they don't like their music stylings.

I cried a little on the way home from Levi because the experience was so enrapturing, and while I'm sure I'll see him again it was great to finally meet someone that felt like an old friend. The let down of the experience I'd built up so much excitement for was hard to take. But I made it through the evening happy to be with J.

More time passes and I had to start taking a new pill regiment religiously every hour for a few days. Waking up every 2 hours at night to do that was hard too. I was going through the worst rough patch since the DUI last October. The only bright spot in my future seemed to be Halloween, my favorite day.

So night before last Johnny played in a show with a few other bands each covering 80s metal hits. I was REALLY excited for this show because I love 80s metal. Not 80s music mind you, I dont like the new wave from that era much. Johnny decided to go as the nightman from it's always sunny in Philadelphia which was AMAZING because thats one of our things and I find the actor who plays Mac very attractive. Not sure why actually, cuz it's not my usual type but whatever. So when Johnny began putting on the black eye makeup and stuff I just about died. I was so attracted to him. I always am, but this was like... rawr. I wanted to walk around the bar telling complete strangers "see that? That's MINE." I resisted that urge however. He played great, sang great, smelled great, looked great. I was so proud of him. So crazy about him. Summer showed up with Freddy to the show and it was a BLAST hanging with her. They left early to head to the Mecca, another bar and I was sad to see her go. I told her I'd try and make it there later. I put my two cents in to Johnny and he made it happen so when the show was over, the whole crew went to Mecca and I got more Summer time. I really love that girl. I admire how balls out she is, and she's always fun to be around. I had decided earlier that evening that I was on a mission to get totally wasted and the mission was accomplished. My drunk ass had lots of fun that night though. A really great night. I really needed one.

So yesterday was the crowning jewel: Halloween. I had wanted to go to Freaknight really badly and have a repeat of last year- one of the best nights of my life. But Johnny wasn't feeling it, so I forfeited. Begrudgingly I forfeited. We decided to go to Gar's birthday party instead. At least we had plans and I tried to be happy with that, even though there would be no trance, and no Ferry Corsten. Johnny and I had talked about rolling that evening but earlier in the day he said "I don't feel like rolling tonight. I just haven't been in the mood." I wanted to roll with him so badly. I wanted us to have that connection and that bond. I hold ecstasy to be very sacred and spiritual. I know that may sound crazy but the best nights of my life were on the drug. I have had spiritual realizations on it, and I love the people I've done it with. Those people are the ones that have stuck in my life. It really is amazing on so many levels. So when he said that I was sad because that would mean no repeat of last year.
We got to the party and there were a ton of people there, drinking and having fun. I'd gone as a Pirate to the metal show, and a butterfly to the party. Kind of a slutty outfit I'll admit. Great fun when you have an excuse to do it. Drank some vodka, met some people, and was having a decent time. Towards the end of the night though I couldn't get my mind of the X, so... I went after some and as it turns out there was a dealer there. How is it I always know how to find the dealer at any party? So we discussed the business and then Johnny came over to me and asked what I was doing. I said flat out "I'm gunna roll. I love it. It's Halloween and I want to." And he said "well I will too then." So we bought pills anyway and popped them and waited for the magic to begin.

The part while we waited is kinda hazy, but when the pills kicked in we made our way to a couch which was our own personal cloud for the next little while. We were so crazy in love right then. And it was amazing and beautiful and everything I had hoped and dreamed it would be with him. He told me I was beautiful and he loved me and we were gunna make it through all the shit I'd been dealing with and I ate it up just so happy. Oh god I was finally happy again. Only you know, high happy on the love drug with the most beautiful man in my life. I could've taken on the world just then. Johnny loved me and I loved him and that made everything ok. There aren't really words to describe how it went and you won't know unless you're there and I HIGHLY recommend it. (Safely though kids!)

Amber gave us a ride back to his place and we snorted the last pill and just stayed on cloud nine with each other til the early morning. I drank him in. I said everything in my heart I could. I fell so much more deeply for him and I feel it now today in this moment. He said the same and my heart sang. We're in a very good place right now. We're strong as ever. I want to do it again very soon now that J's schedule allows for it a little more.

I'm starting to feel like my old self again and I think the tears have passed. I started a new pain medication and it seems to be working. I have had a lot less pain the last few days which is surprising and completely welcome. What would my life be like if I wasn't in pain all the time? I don't remember a time before the pain began. When I got tonsillitis at ten I should have known from then on my health would be questionable. But hey, at least I got ten mostly good years.

Man, being in love is the most beautiful feeling in the world. I keep it at bay because it usually ends up hurting me, but when I tripped over J I got something surprising and wonderful. It's been painful at times, but I'm not easy to love at times and I'm sure J has complaints about me, but we've been dating for nine months now and together for five and I don't want to lose it. I'm finally now starting to get to the comfortable place and I like it. I don't feel I'm infringing much anymore. I just can't believe that someone like Johnny wants to be with me.

Welcome back Kate. I sure missed you.

Kids With the Brain Chemicals

2009-10-27T04:07:00.001-07:00

Us kids with the brain chemicals-
we were born to lose.
Our parents didn't want us and now
we got more letters than we know what to do with.
A.D.D, O.C.D, P.T.S.D...
We didn't ask for this but we are forced to deal with it.
Addicts, losers, lazies...
More than meets the eye.
I am a victim of circumstance
And a life better lived only in whispers and secrets
And diseases.
We strive to be normal
But the moods or distractions get the better of us.
Shiny fucking things
Are never what they seem.
Counsel away but it doesn't counsel
the shame.
Love is an idea- not a concrete thing to be held
to a woman who was first touched in lust.
To a man beaten down by a Father.
Time wounds all heals
for the kids with the brain chemicals.

Fight, fight, FIGHT!

2009-10-27T02:54:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling I'm gunna talk in riddles, but I have to write. It's been days. I've been waiting it out to see where the feelings go. The stress, and the rest.

My world is upside down again. I've been put apon. Things have been destroyed, and my soul under all of it while trying to be strong has again been crushed.
I'm exhausted by the weight.

I lost my damn car keys and it's the only key to the jeep. Brakes didn't get fixed because of the grandmother staying with us, and now because of the missing keys.

We got our demos back today which is cool, but they aren't mixed entirely right.

Death seems to be on my mind lately. My death, and the death of others. Endings and such. Also drags me down. I had another premonition a few days ago.

New pills for the pain. It's gunna take 7 days to see results. I'm going to go nuts being awake every hour for the next 5 days too.

Blah. Catch me in a few days when I'm in a better mood. Levi Weaver happened and it was awesome, but that deserves its own entry too.

Fight. Fight. Fight. I've taken it up. I just don't want my mood to affect any body elses. Not til I can say I'm in a better mood with reasonable certainty. So I'm fighting it. I'll drink to that.

Heavy

2009-10-22T18:58:00.000-07:00

I have a heavy heart today. Heavy, heavy...

This is the only place it will show. I can't let anyone in yet. Summer knows and that's about it.

There's much to be said, but not just yet.

"But everything's changing and I don't know why..." - Keane

Moby

2009-10-21T22:36:00.000-07:00

The crowd stretched down the block, but was moving fairly quickly. I felt my breath catch in my throat as I thought to myself "this is it. I'm finally here, and a thirteen year love is going to be realized." As I got to the door a nice looking guy touched my arm and asked if I wanted a free ticket. His friend had bailed and he had no use for it. I said "sure" and took the ticket, texting a few friends to let them know the situation. As it turns out I would have no luck as suspected.

I walked over the merch table immediately to see about purchasing a tshirt, another reason alone to be at the show. I had trouble deciding between the new cd design and a tshirt that said Moby for president. (I believe he should be hehe.) I decided on the former and thought about picking up a copy of "Wait For Me" but wasn't sure about the cash. I figured I could always get it on itunes too, so I made my way over the stage. The left side had a decent view of the stage and I settled in with a decent view, even though my camera phone wouldn't capture the pictures very well.

I looked around at the crowd noticing faces either much younger, or much older than myself. I found this funny. The crowd split between the older crowd I was sure was there for his more mellow later work, and the younger having rediscovered him as a dj or for his earlier electronic work. Most likely his "Play" album. I also noticed I was not the only person to go solo, but that most of the people were in groups or couples, as usual. It just seemed this time I was more alone because I didn't know the band or any of the fans prior.

After what seemed like forever, the lights dimmed and Kelli Scarr came onstage. She looked very unrockstaresque. Hair back, over sized sweater she looked like a fireplace commercial. Then she opened her mouth and began singing with one of the most distinctive and beautiful voices I'd heard. I realized quickly I'd heard her sing on a Moby album before and that was likely why she had the opening slot. While I enjoyed her songs, I to myself thought they were too slow to start a concert. I'd been so full of excitement that the mood had been brought down a bit. She used a looping pedal and played completely alone, singing with her eyes closed for most of the set. Closing with a song about the son she left at home, the crowd clapped and whopped surprisingly noisily. We collectively waited for the man to come to the stage we'd all come for. I've often referred to Moby as God, and so when you've built someone up like that you can only hope they will live up to the expectations. I waited to see.

The lights dimmed and a cheer went up over the crowd. The long notes of "Shot In The Back Of The Head" began and a swell of emotion came through my body. The drives I'd taken in the last few months came to mind, and an image of rain. I felt tears sting my eyes and couldn't believe it. I hadn't planned on crying, even knowing damn well how much I loved the little idiot, and how much his music had meant to me. How his album "18" had been there for me through some really hard times. That the song itself "18" is what I imagine sounds like when you die. Sad, but hopeful...
I enjoyed every second of the song, informing the young girls in front of me when they asked which song it was and which album. I knew I'd be the biggest fan around me. When Moby finished he said "thank you! thank you! thank you!" in a quick and cute way. The crowd laughed. Very humble. One of the many reasons I love him. This he would continue through the night.
He switched right over into the next song "Wait For Me" having Kelly Scarr sing again. She played keys for the rest of the show as well.
A few songs passed and soon a rhythm started and the crowd was feeling it. The air was electric. I secretly hoped it was "Bodyrock" and soon enough the song came in. The crowd without being told started jumping up and down in unison. Moby yelled out "who rocks the party that rocks the party" and I felt on top of the world. The room was at one, under our leader. The rest of the show would be very different.
People began shoving their way in front of people. The unity of the crowd seemed to end. The excitement and happiness I felt was temporarily put on hold as people tried to get in front of me nearly knocking me down in the process. I'd never been to a show where concert etiquette seemed so lacking. This from Moby fans? I was shocked. And angry. Then I was really upset when they stood in front of me, blocking the view that I had gotten there early for. That I had stood there for, not going to the bar or moving for hours.
They were drunk already so left the area just in time for Moby to start making a Hendrix comment, and the band broke into "Purple Haze." The time was passing quickly and I feared the concert would be over before I knew it. Yet, he still had many of my favorite songs to play.

Moby began my next favorite song by saying he loved it because he got to play disco guitar at the beginning, and he did confusing me as to which song it was but then he broke into "We Are All Made of Stars" and I screamed and danced and sang to that one. Happy again. From that song he began a monologue.

He spoke of San Francisco and how when they had played the next song and everyone of all couples gay straight and indescriminate gender began making out and it was like a sophmore love in. He encouraged the crowd to do the same. So... Everyone began making out around me, and I felt alone again. Happy for those around me, but alone again. I have been to every important concert by myself in my life. The notes of Porcelain began:
"Tell the truth you never wanted me... Tell me..." I focused on the happy memories I had to this song, unlike some of his others and brushed away the lonley feeling and past mistakes.

My back had been begun hurting long before and by this time it was excruciating but I did my best not to think about that either. I took pictures with my cell and moved and lived in the moment as best I could. He played the only song from his 'Hotel' album "Raining Again" and before he closed with "The Stars" he began a long monologue about being a recovering raver. He is an amazing dj, most amazing djs are recovering ravers, hehe. I was transported back to Freaknight last Halloween, where I hadn't gotten nearly as close to Moby. The stage was set so high and far away you couldn't get close. The lights shut off then and the band went off stage without even saying good night. Obviously open for an encore.

The crowd shouted "Mo-by! Mo-by! Mo-by!" I hollered right along. He had to play "Extreme Ways." He just had to. It was in my top 3, and one of his biggest singles.
He came back a few moments later and broke into "In This World." I love that song and know it well, but it isn't a favorite.
He began the next by saying it was his favorite he'd ever written. I wondered which one it was and he began the keys to "When it's Cold I'd Like To Die." This was a favorite of mine as well, and listening to the music and lyrics I teared up again:
"I don't want to swim the ocean
I don't want to fight the tide
I don't want to swim forever
When it's cold I'd like to die..."
I wondered why it meant so much to him. What he had written it about. A break up?

I've never switched moods so quickly at a show because he then broke into "Extreme Ways" and my elation returned. Moby was a true miestro of my emotions. I figured this would be the last song. He'd been playing for nearly an hour and a half now. Well over twenty songs. But after he finished, he promised they'd play one more and I considered leaving only because my back was in excrutiating pain and I was so tired from standing. I'd heard all of the tracks I loved and knew he'd play. 'But' I scolded myself, 'you've been waiting on this for over a decade. You should stay as long as possible.' So I stayed put and he began his last song "Honey."
Honey turned into a jam song lasting over ten minutes. I appreciated it and loved the fact he took a chance to do that, but by the end I wondered how anyone had managed to sing and play that long consistantly. The set clocked in at just over two hours. Another attribution to the man I had called God.

So did he live up to my expectations? He surpassed them. He was funny, and sweet, and quirky. He owned the crowd, and even thought the crowd were rude concert goers, that had nothing to do with Moby, his set, or anything he had control over. Moby was amazing, and I will pay another 50 bucks to see him anytime. I love the little idiot. Next time I will take pain medication before and hang out after. Done deal.

Good days

2009-10-19T15:25:00.000-07:00

I'm gunna write 2 entries today because Moby deserves his own entry and that shit will take a few minutes to write, so here's the first bit:

The last few days have been good days again. That's awesome, because I needed some good days.

Saturday during the day Frank and I hung out for a few hours. I got some good time in with the kitty and got to talk about everything that's been up with all the shit that's been going down. We ran a couple errands, and then I realized we couldn't do the Halloween store Monday because of his work schedule, so we went that night instead. I was like a kid in a candy store. Running from place to place, looking at everything, wanting to spend thousands of dollars on decorations and elaborate costumes. Got a couple ideas for other things I'd never thought of to be.
While we were there Frank wandered off to look at masks, and while I wasn't paying attention he'd stuck on a Kiss mask and came to show me. He wasn't trying to startle me, but the mask was weird and I wasn't expecting it, so it did startle me. I was standing next to a little girl who said "what?" then turned and it startled her too! I laughed my ass off, because it was pretty funny to watch, though I waited to commence the giggling before we got back to the car. Lord, I laughed so hard that day. It was a nice change from all the bitching and moping I've been doing for the last week. I drove home after, picked up a change of clothes and such and headed out to Johnny's in a good mood.

When I got to Johnny's he looked fantastic (as always) and we talked for a sec, then he asked if I wanted to go to Game Works again. I did, so we walked there and played video games and drank for awhile. Eventually we both grew tired and decided to switch bars. We tried Rebar and there was a huge cover, so he suggested the Crescent. I'm always happy to go, even though I was a little apprehensive about losing money again. I kept a close eye on my purse and everything went smoothly. Then we hopped over to a bar called the "Bus Stop." Nice bar. Nice atmosphere. Friendly tender. I was sold. However, I was pretty wasted by the end... Very, very happy. But wasted.

We went back home and cracked open the wine, but I didn't have very much. I was def at my limit. We watched tv and goofed around for awhile before bed at 5am. I woke up at 11 with a rather intense hangover. I made sure to drink water, but I knew this was gunna be an all day thing. When Johnny woke up he was really hungover too. Worse than me. He went to work, God knows I don't know how he does it... I never could like that. I fell back asleep an hour later after trying to for a good while. Woke up at 4pm and was feeling better so I got up and played online til it was time to start getting ready for the show. I could hardly contain myself. I got in the car and drove the couple blocks to where the Showbox is and tried to find parking for a bit. Found a good spot. Took it as a sign karma was with me. All pleased I went to wander to find grub. I had gotten it in my head chowder would be good, but alas there was no chowder to be found. I didn't want to go to a restaurant to sit by myself, or pay the money so I settled on Pike's Pub. Sat in the bar area and was stoked to see they had crab chowder on the menu. It was more than I wanted to spend, but I needed something more than salad. The chowder was WAY too peppery. I was disappointed, but ate it and called my friend Powder for the Utah update while I killed time.

Things in the old circle have changed it seems. People are still hanging out with one another, but it's not a real gang anymore. That makes me sad, because those people are a blast to hang out with as a crowd. They were always fun. I heard that Chris is living with JaeCee now in the aves. That means they've probably been doing that for awhile. Funny that. I got a little twisted inside when I heard that bit of news. Don't know why. It makes me feel like a baseball player who's just missed the cut off man or something. I think it was leftover shit because I got an email from Chris on Friday...
First contact in 7 months. He was poetic as always and it was unexpected. He said he wanted to explain things that happened in February, but that he couldn't now and I wouldn't understand. He said he could maybe explain when decades had passed.
I sent him one back saying I didn't need answers, that I was content knowing he was alive and well and that I hoped life was treating him kindly. I was sure he had his reasons for doing what he did. I told him I didn't have the luxury of waiting decades for anything and thought about telling him why, but decided against it. Then I said life teaches you lessons and whatever his was in my life I was gunna try and remember the good times instead of the bad as I moved on.
He responded again saying he'd read anything I had to say in the future with interest and some other bs. I haven't sent anything back. I think I'm ok not.
I didn't like the feeling I got when I saw the email. It was like a sick butterfly feeling. Not excited or happy at all. More apprehensive.
I'm off topic now...

When 8 o clock rolled around and the doors were supposed to be open the place was still dead. Odd I thought. Maybe I have the wrong venue. Turns out I did. There are two showboxes here in Seattle, and I needed the one in pioneer square. Damn. I knew something would go wrong. I drove to the other venue as quickly as I could cursing the fact that I would probably not be able to be in the first row, possibly even close at all. When I could see the venue the swarms of people outside didn't surprise me. I got anxious, but parked close and quickly. The venue is right near where Jon used to live, so I had a secret in to parking. I locked my door and made my way to the doors where I knew Moby was waiting for me.

TBC ;)

2 days to Mobes

2009-10-16T22:46:00.000-07:00

Been away again for a few days. Life continues and gets more complicated but... I'm rolling with it right now.

On the boring side Dad left for Minnesota again on Monday. The grams had the surgery and apparently they botched it a little. They can't reattach her colon. She has to be hooked up to a bag for the rest of her life. She won't do it herself (we know this much) so she's gunna have to be cared for on a regular basis now. Her current residence won't do it. She's gotta come here. With my Dad.
Joy, because she may be staying with us.

This is all during the time we have to pack and move to the island, which, of course, I'm sweating.

So... I am not depressed right now. But it'll get to me again when I really think about it, so I'm avoiding it. However, in other news

I am having some SERIOUS trouble with the stomach again. Acid reflux, serious sharp pain that passes quickly, dull pain that lasts for hours. Other stuff too. So I'm gunna ask the dr on Wed when I go. I think it's just an ulcer, but I avoided going out with Summer tonight cuz I know I'll drink if I go, and that is DEF not helping. I also know the ibuprofen isn't helping, but I can't take the other stuff they gave me cuz it made me WAY more sick. So the solution for the pain is the same.

Damn, I'm tired of complaining about my health. Can we just snap our fingers and be well?

Frank and I are gunna go to the Halloween store on Monday I think, which is one of my FAV activities of the whole year. He doesn't know what to be. I'm still deciding. I'd LOVE to be 2 different things on the 30th and 31st. We'll see though. Sunday is Moby. Still stoked for that.

Hung out with Tom who is totally in love with me on Wednesday. He met a few of my friends including Frank, at karaoke and everyone liked him. I thought it was nice, but still he needed to realize I'm with J and he and I won't be together. So I tried to talk to him a little about a few of the reasons, time and distance, and the fact that I love Johnny, but I'm not sure it entirely got through. So he's in Canada for now, and wants to get together again next week. Next week is Levi Weaver and stuff so I need to figure my schedule out.

Next Wednesday I'm supposed to hang with another girl friend of mine Annie. Haven't seen her in ages, so that'll be fun. So Monday Frank, Tuesday Johnny, Wednesday Annie, Thursday (I think) Levi, Friday recovery and then the weekend is Levi too I believe. Busy week. That's unless Dad comes back and I have to be around for help... This was not the week to pick.

I love October but I always get screwed somehow. I realize when it rolls around I LOVE the weather, but something bad ALWAYS happens to me. Got pregnant one year. Got the d.u.i last year. Robbed another. I've had to move in October before which ruined it because that is a HUGE stressor.

The rain today was torrential. Glad I didn't get stuck in it anywhere, even though I drove to Mukilteo for groceries. They have a QFC there that makes sushi, and I had a craving. Spent $80 which is a lot for me in a single sitting.

I'm making this short because I really have nothing interesting to say. This is an entry just as a reminder of what's happened the last couple days. I'm sure I'll have much to say in a week and a half or so. Band practice bright and early so I'm gunna hit the hay earlier tonight.

Reminder to take everything for Moby to J's tomorrow...

<3 Xanies

2009-10-12T21:19:00.000-07:00

Took 2 Xanax. Feel like bliss. Calm. Uncrazy.

I fucking love Xanax. I wish it weren't addictive. I'm under the warm blanket and guess what? It's ok to be alone here...

Bad day

2009-10-12T19:59:00.001-07:00

I dunno if it's what's going on or shit, but today was just fucking hell again.

Sleeping at home, even now is fucking impossible. I was woken up AT LEAST 14 times through the night, which put me in a sour mood. (By night I mean after 5am...)
When Dad got home I rushed to see him and he snapped at me about the money and for parking in his space, even though there was nowhere else to park.
I felt like a Labrador retriever getting kicked as it's excited to see someone after a long absence...

He apologized after he saw how upset it made me, and I know it's transference, I'm not the real problem. But when he gets in that bad a mood I'm the target. That is something I wish we could change.

I walked with him to get the mail to check on my tix for Moby and they weren't there, so we went to dinner stopping to pay Laura for my hair. We then went to Fred Meyer and spent an hour there trying to fucking get the Moby tickets printed off, since Dad's leaving town again UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE...

I'm on my own. For everything. If I get sick, or run out of the 80 again... He needs the be there in Minnesota. Gram is having surgery tomorrow. They are removing a whole section of her colon which apparently is kind of dangerous but needed.

Not only that but Dad's friend Brian was supposed to come to visit and is still coming. We're gunna share the house together while he's gone. Brian is fine by me, but he's VERY mormon. He looks down on me and my lifestyle. It's gunna be way weird.

I feel like I'm looking in a broken mirror right now. Like, it used to be whole and I saw everything for awhile, but now and for the next little while I don't know what's gunna happen.

I used to be fine on my own you know? I lived alone. I had a couple close friends I'd go and see on occasion, but being home wasn't something I shunned. I didn't feel like this. Whatever this is.
I wish it would rest.

I can't believe how stuck I'm gunna be on Whidbey.

I'm completely blowing off the plans I made tonight. I'm in no mood to be around anybody.

Anyway, to try and make up for it I downloaded a couple songs off itunes. I'm gunna take a Xanax I think, because I could use the couple extra hours of sleep, and it would be good to mellow out.

I wish I could see Johnny...

High Dive

2009-10-10T17:12:00.001-07:00

Hello Saturday afternoon. I am home again, for the moment, craving a cig like nobody's business and thinking far too much again. Perhaps a cig will help with that too. Stay here while I run to the Sev...

Ok, ten minutes later and we're good. Johnny's last performance was a blast to watch. He jumped around on stage and sang well. He looked gorgeous and after he spent some time with me alone, just talking to me. While the evening was shared it didn't feel like it as much. It was more cohesive overall and I have to think that he paid attention to what I was saying about those things. I felt like his girlfriend that night, and not a tag along.
I invited Summer's friend Chelsea to come out after she finished her final and we got a chance to talk. She brought out two of her friends as well and we all chatted for a few minutes. As I was standing up by the stage at some point I looked back at her and noticed she was pointing at me and Johnny and Amber, so I wandered back and was like "I know you were talking about me" she laughed and said "I was explaining to my friend here about who was with who and such." I looked at him and said "I'm with the lead" and then we talked for a few minutes about Post Ado itself, and Johnny's music.

When Michelle, the drummer's wife showed up, I didn't say hello immediately. She was entereted in to a convo with Chelsea herself and to be honest I'd never really talked to her. I am always apprehensive to talk to people straight away in situations like that when I have no common ground.
Believe it or not, before I talk to anyone, even with as outgoing as I am I try to get a reading on them first so I can find something to say that's engaging. However, when I did get the chance I popped over to her and said hello and she said "I hardly recognized you in jeans! You always wear skirts!" I laughed and said "yeah, that's my rock gear. I love mini skirts. Tonight felt a little more like a jeans night and I haven't done laundry since I haven't been home."
Anyway, that started us talking about other things and joking around. I felt like it was good for another thing to be included in.
The second band was really pretty good. The kind of music I like, very nordic rockish. I loved their first song. Spoke to a few of the band members, met another lovely girl called Amy. Then I had a conversation with Amber...
I tried to convay some of the things I've said in here to her face. I know she reads this, but I felt like I wanted to say something more than hello. I drove seperately over to the bar thinking I wouldn't drink much and turned her down for a ride. I wasn't sure how she'd take it, but it was good that it worked out that way because I called Frank before and we ended up hitting a burrito place before the show. I didn't even get there til 8:30.
I was nervous before. Honestly, he sort of calmed me down. I was nervous because I was so excited to see J play again, but apprehensive because I didn't want to feel on the outside again.

That brings me to another dream I had last night. It was about Johnny and I, and we were talking and laughing. I felt comfortable at that point to say something real to him which stopped it and got us in a confrontation again.
I think I know what my subconscious is trying to tell me. I'm worried that I'll ruin every good time we have because when we're close like that it's when I want to talk to him, and that's what has happened twice now. It's not healthy. I wish I knew how to read that better. I don't fuck up like that with anyone else. It's like holding a butterfly in your hand or something. It's beautiful and delicate, but while it's yours you know you have to be careful with it. Oiy. I wish I were less complicated. I wish he knew how much I cared. It's my motivation for everything right now.

I have fallen in love again. :) It's a song called "I Get Off" (Halestorm) and I heard it for the first time on the way to the High Dive. Damn, I envy the chick who sings. The song is harder and like seriously gets my adrenaline going. Makes me motivated to start running again. I have to be even more careful with that now thanks to the athsma. I am paranoid. I've never been that worried about anything except having my sleeping pills on me. That attack really changed my life...

I'm running out to see Summer now for the first time since before Utah. I should finish writing that song, but it' s working out in my head. So, that's good. Plus having a new song to be crazy about always motivates me to do something similar. I'll have to start another one. Perhaps tomorrow.

I suck balls

2009-10-08T16:51:00.000-07:00

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

That sums this week up nicely. :)

My grandmother in Minnesota has some sort of blockage in her colon. My Dad flew out to be with her and deal with everything and thought he would be back Friday. Now he's not coming back til Sunday. I miss my Dad. This is stressing everyone out. Not only that but he'll likely have to go back Wednesday. This would be fine if he didn't have control over my finances, which he does.
So when J said "Let's go to the Crescent" Tuesday night, I was stoked. I mean I was really looking forward to it. He made an effort to go out somewhere with me, to a bar I liked, and we have good memories at. I needed it honestly.

BUT

The vibe was completely off. The weirdest night karaokeing hands down in 4 years. I got hit on, and so did Johnny that night. I was asked to be a conduit between a coke and bj deal. Terrance wasn't there. It was just fucked up. Then, when I went to buy cigs later on the 60$ I'd set aside and needed had been stolen. (I keep the littler bills and bigger bills separated for this reason.) So I bought the cigs and thought I'll figure it out.

But I had like, NO MONEY. Nothing, and I needed to get home and figure out how to eat and everything now with like, 0 dollars and a week with which to have no money.
Johnny lent me 20 bucks which was incredibly sweet and thoughtful. But I being in a foul mood and pushed to my breaking point managed to ruin the end of the evening by causing a fight. It was our first real fucking fight. Over the same shit I keep trying to sort out in my head and in here I suppose.
During the fight he told me he had read this. Nearly all of it, and said he comes off like a bad guy. I want to go back and re read every entry now because I can't believe I made someone I love come off like that. And where? Because I thought most of the entries, especially at the beginning come off as just being crazy about him. Because I am.

Johnny is amazing. He's clever, and funny, and thoughtful. He's gorgeous and I can't stop touching him when I'm around him. He's the man I want. I just wish the situation were different. I don't know what exactly made him feel that badly, but I was torn up when I heard him say that. I can imagine how it would make me feel, and if I made him feel that way, it is simply unacceptable.

I always comment that my thoughts are fucked up, but what if they really are fucked up? I try to be fair. Compassionate. I try to think things through... Do I not come off as this? How DO others see me? When people read this blog do they think I'm a bitch?
Amber says she comes off as an antagonist. Johnny comes off as a bad man... Am I misreading what I write? Cuz I like them both. Now I doubt myself. My writing abilities. More to the point

I doubt what I feel. Because this is where I write how I feel. What I think. What I've done.
Dammit, I'm not catty. I don't say things like "she needs a new nose" or "her hair sucks" or stupid hurtful shit that doesn't mean anything. I make it a real point not to.

That's sort of off topic. Anyway, self loathing aside my week continues. After the fight we made up and I spent the day there with J trying to be mellow, talk, and enjoy the post fallout. We watched "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." That was fun. Then I left to head to Woodinville for the back up. Got there early and helped Frank do set up. Stayed through the whole show even though I was fucking tired as all hell. Even went over after to chat for a bit and catch up on Top Chef. The show was uneventful. Regular rotation. No hiccups.

Today I got up and went to my hair apt after having to call Laura and tell her about my money situation. Now I owe both her and Johnny. FUCK! I HATE FEELING THIS HELPLESS!!!

I can't fucking take any more shit loaded on me right now. And I gotta go to Johnny's show in a few minutes. I wish Summer was coming but she's busy tonight. I haven't really eaten much in a few days. I can't wrap my mind around the concept right now because everything I want to eat is REALLY bad and everything I should eat takes too much time and effort, so I'm fucking starving right now and writing a blog instead of doing something about it, because I don't know what to do.

I fucking suck man. Today I just suck balls.

The Letter (poem)

2009-10-05T05:37:00.000-07:00

Where are the woods where my love once waited?
A dream in mid May
Seems so far away...
I touch him praying for a rush
A tidal wave of emotion he'll betray on his face
For me
But he does not.
Another tale takes hold of what I
desired.
One where I am the villain
And the keeper of pain
And I keep silent.
If you could show me
whisper
caress
my mind would quiet
my soul would rest.
But I wait with baited breath
For a letter that will never come.
A song may rise
But the words you write
Will never come.

Studio/Asthma Death

2009-10-05T04:01:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last two days in the studio. My first real studio. Not just pissing around with pro tools at a mate's getting my songs down, though that's always fun too. I was so excited. I can't begin to describe the feeling of seeing 25 years of work come to light. Dream come true it was. The producer said he could hear "Lullaby" on the radio. We layered the shit out of that song. It is epic. I can't believe I wrote it. It's so much bigger than me... Looking back I remember the steps of writing it. Needing to write about losing Mason to addiction, but again truly another man I never really had as he was cheating on me.
He never confessed but Nate, one of his two best friends, confirmed for me last time we spoke. I have spoken of Nate before. I miss the shit out of him...
Anyway we expected to be in there and pay for 20 hours. We finished up in 15. Strings were done on take one. Piano in two takes. Vocals well, I'm pickier about that shit so that was about five, trying to nail harmonies and such.
I had a text conversation right before I recorded the vox for "Goodbye" the hardest and angriest song I've ever written. It hurt me. I took it out on the music. You can hear it. I mean, I sound angry. Nothing pretty about my voice in that recording, unlike the first time I recorded that song with out the band. The conversation prompted thoughts from the band... I'd go more into it, but I can't just now. It was a confirmation of something else unsettling in my life...
I called up Frank in a tizzy after hearing all this come out. I would have called Johnny but he was with Amber. He doesn't like talking much on the phone, and I just couldn't see having that conversation with him just then, as much as I wished we could. So Frank was excited for me. I said "I know it's gunna be late, but can I please stop by after?" I really didn't wanna be that high (on life mind you, though we did have a couple bottles of wine in the studio...) alone. He graciously agreed and I went over after. When he opened the door he had his guitar on and he was picking. I said "hi!" with a huge smile, and he began playing "Full Throttle" one of the other songs I recorded. I was so surprised he'd found the song, listened, and learned it. It was incredibly faltering. So we drank vodka which he'd also thoughtfully bought for me, and I gushed endlessly about every stupid detail til I blacked out half a bottle of vodka in. He was exactly what I needed after that kind of day. To be around someone. Not to come home to a fucking empty house, alone.
Came home later on when I was ok and crawled into bed, hoping not to have a hangover today cuz I needed to be up to finish studio stuff. But I managed to have some tears anyway. I'm still wondering the whys I guess. I wonder if you ever don't do that. The liquor was a major player in the cry fest though, as I don't cry much these days unless I go home after drinking and the dark and silence and emptiness greet me. I haven't fought off that demon yet, though as I'm coming to terms with some truths about myself I realized what my major trigger is: Loneliness. It's a bitch. And I can't talk to anyone about it at 5am.
I also don't think people realize how truly lonely I am. I like my own time. I like my own company. But it has to be limited. Which is why I'm really nervous about this next revelation:

I'm moving back to Whidbey island. This is not good news. The house is fucking BEAUTIFUL. It's quiet. It has a view of the water. It is 2 levels so I won't disturb my Dad. But it is a boat ride and a 15 minute drive more to anything that matters to me here. Which means when I'm out there and can't just call up Frank, or hit up O Fins when I'm feeling an episode coming on. The band stuff in the morning, I've just added an hour to my commute. Getting a job out there is impossible.
So why am I doing this?

Because I can NOT stand to see my Father hurt anymore here. I can not see him depressed as all hell, and feel like he wants to kill himself. He never says this to me of course, but I have been there. I know exactly what he's thinking.
If someone had taken the 15 year old me and said "I can move you to a place you want to be (at that time here or Orlando) in a house you'll love, in a setting you'll appreciate with all the important things in your life, would you take it?" I would have said hell yes in a second flat and done it. So... I'm gunna do that for my Dad. I love him that much. I'm going to walk right into something I know can torpedo everything that makes me happy about my life because it will make him happy. Because that's what love is. I don't think it will be bad for the first month maybe. And I'm hoping in that amount of time I can make a plan to do what I have to do before I get too depressed or crazy to do anything about it.
But I am apprehensive even thinking about it.
When I talked to Frank about it he said why do you have to go? You're a grown woman, do what you want. And I said it's not that simple when you're sick. I rely on him for a few things I can't sustain on my own until I'm better. And umm, I'm not getting better.
With Johnny when I said it he said nothing. I said do you have any thoughts on the matter? He said we'll figure it out.
That makes me nervous too because having to be there longer will invade his private time and space and such. He's not really into asking me for more time as I've said. And the few times it's happened I've stayed longer, it hasn't felt ok.
I wish we could be around each other more. I wish he wanted it more. I wish I didn't know his truest feelings without him saying anything but by reading his actions and body language. I wish I could lie to myself because it would pacify me.
Everything is fucking changing again, and while I embrace change this one intimidates me. And saddens me. But we can't always be selfish. And it's my Dad's turn to be happy.

In other news yesterday when I woke up at Johnny's (before day one in the studio) I was having a dream about being suffocated. I was in a room at a party and I couldn't breathe. I saw Chris standing in the doorway though. He never said a word. I awoke to a full on asthma attack. My worst ever. I tried to just breathe for a few minutes because I didn't want to leave J early but I realized I was losing that battle and more quickly than I liked. So I gathered up my things, and began walking to my car. I called my Mom because I was unsure of what to do. My inhaler was 30 minutes away, and frankly I couldn't even remember if I had one anymore that worked. She insisted that I go immediately to the nearest E.R. I tried between shallow breaths to tell her I didn't have time to be there for 3 hours while they fucked around. I HAD to be in the studio. Nothing mattered more to me. We called back and forth and finally about the time I reached Shoreline I gave in and realized I was starting to get light headed and was not only putting me in danger but other drivers at that point if I passed out, and my brain had been deprived of decent oxygen for a good forty five minutes already. So I called my Dad to find a hospital near there. There wasn't one. I was closer to the possible inhaler at home than to a hospital so I made the decision to head home. When I got here I was shaking, faint and seriously wondering if I was gunna make it. My breathing was shallow, and quick, and I was desperate at the thought of finding the inhaler which, ha ha, was not in the bathroom where it usually is.

I began to cry (I know twice in two days. Forgive me, this was out of complete and utter desperation and not cuz I'd been drinking) and fell to the ground. I grabbed my phone ready to dial 911 when I realized the inhaler was probably in my room in my side dresser. Thankfully it was. Waiting to see whether the inhaler would help was ten seconds I'd rather not live again. But thankfully after a third try I began to breathe again. I sucked in air like it was going out of style. I coughed and sputtered and came back to life.

My mother gave me the best lecture I've ever had about NOT going to the ER. Hah. This from someone who used to tell me I wasn't sick when I was. I really, honestly should have. I ignored the clinic when I had the bad reaction to the meds about the EKG thing. I figured I'd pull through. This one I very nearly could have not come back from. I was headed for coma city right then. It's ok to call in sick to work if you have to. You only call in dead to the studio. I didn't have time for the hospital and their games. So I slept it off a little then got up and did exactly what I had to do. And I'm glad because it was such an amazing and validating feeling. As a lyricist, a songwriter, a musician, and orchestrator.

So now I'm home after seeing Frank again. We went and saw Capitalism: A Love Story and talked politics the rest of the night. It was fun. We made dinner and then watched Fahrenheit 9/11 and I came home to write this, another long entry. Now I'm worked up after being up for 22 hours. I don't WANT to take a Xanie tonight, but I must I think. Ambien in 3 days. This is usually hell week for me, but with the Xanax I've been so blessed to have something in between.
Anyway, that's the latest. Johnny's got a show on Thursday and we'll see how it goes. I've talked to Summer a few times, and we're gunna get together later this week. Bevin and I caught up. And... yeah, bed time.

Night blog.

Back/forth and Fibro

2009-09-30T07:32:00.000-07:00

So here's a little of what I've been keeping out of here, for a few reasons. Some of which spurned the last post. I wasn't going to self harm or do anything stupid, I just needed a place to vent about what I was feeling, and that was broken hearted. I am coming up on my one year anniversary of no intentional self harm. There was the one time I did it on Ambien I don't remember, for the endorphins but I'm not counting it because technically everything about it was different. So, I will be celebrating a personal marker in my recovery of this BPD bs next month. I think I'll mark it with a bracelet of something where I use to cut.

I have been going back and forth on the whole Johnny situation for a few reasons. I had some concerns initially that managed to continually rear their head at the worst moments. I never wanted to break up with him. I never wanted things to end. I want to make that completely understood. But there were 2 things that were bothering me for quite some time as far as whether it would work. One can be broken down into that we are completely different in a lot of ways. He's not much of a talker which is fine, but it makes me feel like it's harder to connect with him on that level I want to. He never asks about me.
Without doing things besides hanging at his apartment, drinking wine and watching tv we also can't bond over experiences. We won't have stories, or jokes. I want those things. But the major things that have mattered to him I have had to share with Amber. I haven't been keeping in touch or pursuing that relationship as much because when all of this started manifesting it became really hard to separate the fact that I was bonding with someone that could ultimately play a part in the downfall of the best part of my life. When it feels like emotional cheating how can you walk that line with the other girl? I have been absolutely wrecked over it, unknown to anyone really, because I can no longer talk to people in my life about it. I miss her. I was really liking what we had separate from all the circumstance. But the circumstance, and honestly, what people were saying about it got to me. And that's when the cracks started. I wanted to try and talk to her, but everybody said it was a bad idea, and so I guess, unfairly, I just started fading or backing off. I wanted to make J and I work, and the daggers of watching them interact was a pain I've only known once, with Chris and someone he was cheating on me with. Felt exactly the same. That woman would probably be my archenemy if this were a graphic novel. (Chris' woman I won't name here. Not Amber.)
Again Amber is not the antagonist in my story. She's a lovely girl. But I walked into this situation with Johnny without having all the facts on their interaction and why. So it's no one's fault really. But I really don't want it to come off as a negative thing. Just honesty.
Continuing... There have been a few times I've come out and I've felt like he didn't want me to stay. Well, I knew it. And I wondered exactly how that would play out. We see each other 3 days a week and it seemed it was very set. Those were our times. None other. I wondered if this was how it would be for the next month. Six months. A year. How long I could do this. The drive every time was wearing me down too.
And through this I began to get depressed again. I had moments where I already felt broken up and it killed me. And I just fucking hate myself for not saying anything sooner. I let it fester like I always do because I was afraid of hurting him. So I held in my own pain. Literally, it got to the point where I knew I couldn't not say anything anymore before it all came out. Like a pressure cooker or something.
The conversation started with him saying "you know you can stay here if you feel sick baby, you don't have to go."
(Let me toss in here real quick that my illness has taken a down slide the last month as well and Johnny has now been privy to more 'sick days' than I'd like. I'll go into it later.)
And I responded "what about if I'm not sick? I want to be around you when I'm well..."
And so that issue was brought up, the wondering how he really felt, the time together, just... Everything. And I cried. And he cried. And I felt so much better. It's so fucked up.
He said he doesn't feel like anything he does is good enough for me. That makes me sad, because I realize the things he does and appreciate them. I didn't know he felt that way. I apologized.
So we had it out it a semi fight, semi talk, and at the end of it we were holding hands again, and he didn't abandon me. He didn't yell at me. He didn't completely disregard what I was saying. And god damn it I love him. And I want this to work. And he's such a good man. I'm blessed and lucky to have him in my life. Relationships take work and I know this. So I'm working on it.

Meanwhile I went to the doctor last Wednesday. Saw someone completely new because my pain was up, my sleep was down, my headaches were back, my icky feeling had settled over my body again. They diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia and stuck me on new pills for the pain. When I woke up the next day I ran to the bathroom. I had things happen to me Ive only read about. I had it coming from both ends so I threw up in the bath tub as a first. I was heavy. I couldn't formulate thoughts or sentences. My pulse was fast. I was drowsy and couldn't keep my eyes open, though I was very much awake in my mind. I had to be on a plane to Utah in less than 2 hours. How the hell was this going to happen? I called the doctor office and spent 20 minutes on the phone with them, trying very hard to communicate what was going on but my speech was slurred and I couldn't grasp what I needed to say. Lindsay, the nurse, god bless her, got it and told me it maybe dehydration. But I knew it was the damn pills they'd started me on the night before. So she said to come in if I needed, but not to get on the plane.

So I got on the plane.

I have no idea even now how I managed to do it. Literally, as far as anything physical Ive had to do in my life this takes the cake, with maybe one other incident involving tonsillitis and a play I needed to be in. I felt sick the whole ride, worried I was gunna puke on the people next to me. Instead I tried to sleep. And I did for the first time ever on a plane. It is the worst feeling I've ever had. And I've been pretty sick. I discontinued the pills the next night until I got back home because I didn't want to be sick my whole trip. But I took the again last night. BAD IDEA.

I had the same reaction and called the nurse back. She said it wasn't ok, that I needed to come to the clinic now for an EKG and to stop taking the pills. Well, I was at Johnny's and fucking there was no way I was driving so I stayed. And waited. And he was so sweet as he let me lay on him just comforting me. Every time I tried to move my body shook. I was so fucking weak. But eventually the symptoms started to fade, more quickly than the time before luckily. That whole episode lasted a day and a half. This one only lasted half a day. (Also luckily he wasn't awake yet when I started throwing up.)
I don't know what happened or why exactly, but this is out of control. I wish so much I could be healthy again. Instead of confined to a body that feels like a prison most days. I don't say this stuff to garner sympathy really. Just to recall what's happened and my thoughts on it. Though, I'll admit, I feel bad for me. But I know what I'm going through. Heh.

There is other stuff going on too, but I'll catch that up in another entry because it's 8:30 am and I have to try to sleep. I have my blessed peach pills here and I'm gunna take one to knock off. My beautiful Johnny is sleeping peacefully and I'd like to return to his side.

Thanks to my new readers who have responded to my entries and sent emails. I absolutely appreciate every single one of you and your kind words. I know I write things in here that are quite real and I think that's why I've connected. For this I am truly happy to put my fucked up thoughts on paper. I will email you back later today when I have more time. I tend to also write thought out responses. :)

Stay classy Seattle.

Dear Broken Heart

2009-09-28T03:01:00.001-07:00

Dear broken heart-

You perfectly fucking awful thing. I knew you were lurking before. I felt the twinge of you occasionally on the wind. I know how you love to hang round as soon as I even get a hint that you're coming. The crying. The whys. The questions that never have any fucking answers or closure. You drive me to drink. You drive me to binge. You drive me to fuck others. Are you missing entirely? Is this the problem? That I am completely devoid of a whole heart to begin with that the pieces never fully mend and I can never fully trust? You lead me to the worst things. Love killed me. And Love kills me. Every time, and the only effort it takes is a fucking smile on one boys face. One compliment, one laugh, one perfect moment and you sit there. Ready to fucking ruin it for me. You put on the songs that make me it worse because you are masochistic, and drowning in it drives me closer to the edge. Where some day accidentally or possibly intentionally it won't hurt anymore. You win too often. This fucking russian roulette. I dare you to give yourself the way you once did. You won't survive. So what then? What the fuck then am I to do I ask you? You impulsive shit. You heart, you give it away so easily desperately seeking some sort of love you have been denied at every turn. With family. With friends. And of course, more deeply, with lovers. Hit and run.

You know what's fucked up heart? You play the game well. You make the men fall like cards. Even when you are out with the one you love, you can attract the ones that you can inevitably break, just as you've been broken. What is it I asked Dean. He said "there's something about you. Your energy. Being around you is like being alive. Living in the moment." I guess I'm intoxicating. But shit, that's only when I don't care. I start to feel anything remotely deeper than attraction and it all goes out the window. I become complacent. I want to please. I avoid conflict. And I secretly hope someday one I feel for asks me what I want. What makes me happy. Who I am. You know who I am? Someone who's past is a broken movie. There's being really young til about ten. The years I can find childhood. Those years mean something. Then past ten I broke. Men broke me. My mother broke me. My school mates broke me. I can not think of one moment, not one, where I was truly happy. The years run together. I try to forget. I drug to numb. I drink to forget. I cut to pacify. I learned lying is your friend. Lie about the abuse. Lie about how you feel. Lie to impress because no one fucking likes you anyway.

Without those years I miss a huge chunk of who I am. I stopped taking pictures of myself. I stopped trying. I lived those cruel moments over and over. The knife to my neck. The feel of the forceful hands upon me. Over my mouth. Killing the inside of me in one swift act of violation. Then the cruel notes in my locker. The failed attempts at rebellion. Then I reached out. Alastair led me to believe maybe he could teach me to trust, to love again. But he was the first in the string of men that had me because I was convenient. I am more than that dammit. I know I am. But here I feel you. Choking me. I can not breathe for the pain.

I can not write any more to you heart. Not tonight. You need to do what you can to protect yourself. Pay attention to the warning signs. Be smarter. But time is the only thing that helps this. So I ask you this: Someday, do you think you can give yourself away, and have someone give the same to you? Not convenient. Not cheating. Not a filler. Really give. If the answer is no then perhaps you should stop. Because really, this broken feeling... There are no words. Let this be a lesson to you.

Me.

Respect

2009-09-20T21:53:00.000-07:00

I'm reading a book called "Serial Killers: Up Close and Personal."

I suspected when I started this book it wouldn't have much new to teach me, because I've read hundreds of books like it. But, again, I should pause and realize I'm not that smart. I can not predict what I will learn from any given book. This book in the first chapter focuses on the influence of respect in society. Respect is one of the rarest commodities in the world. Anything sadistic we do as humans, is in part due to a lack of respect.
There is a lack of respect for individuals these days, the likes of which history has never seen. You would never cross someone you hold in the highest regard the way you would someone you don't care about, or for.
Do you realize violent crime is basically a western hemisphere problem? You don't find mass murders or serial killers in third world countries. You don't find people killing for fun there, as a general rule. This isn't to say genocide isn't prevalent. It most certainly is: But the motives and causes are completely different. People do not sadistically kill peers for the satisfaction of watching another person die. For the control and satisfaction it gives them.

How many of us have felt vindicated when we are right? When we can hold the proper answer of a disagreement over someones head? When someone has slighted us and we are able to exact revenge in some sense? How satisfying is this?

And why?

Because we gain control. Because we succeeded in getting the control. This doesn't only apply to violent offenders, or people that wish to torture another person physically in an inhuman way. This applies to other aspects of life. The boss that finds satisfaction in hiring and firing on a whim because they can. Stand up comics that gain appreciation or admiration for making fun of the disabled, the elderly, the alienated. Politicians that would readily send you to jail for ten years for a roach, while smoking crack in their free time. (This is hypocritical I realize, but it still points to the respect thing.)

When did we stop listening? Stop trying to understand our fellow man? When did we shut off that thing inside that says "this is wrong, I should be trying to help instead of hurting?"

This brings me to Michael Jackson. Bare with me.

When MJ was accused of all the molestation charges we as a nation were shocked. We thought "this is a beloved national icon. How could someone we've taken into our hearts- our homes- do something like this?' And people turned on him. They believed what they were being told. I wondered how someone that famous could be that stupid.

Now, lemme pause and say I have no idea what happened. I know I wasn't there and I have no right to speculate- So I'm not. But when all this went down, the second time, when I was old enough to know the real gravity about what was going on, and I watched what was happening on the news, I thought "this appears to be a witch hunt. Where is the press that is offering the other side?"

So I tried to find the other side out. Michael supposedly gave a cancer ridden boy wine, and molested him. Would we accuse someone in such a condition of lying? A young ill child would never do that. But... Let's just say Michael Jackson is worth millions. And let's just say the child's mom saw a gold mine. And let's just say she saw an opportunity because Michael had been accused of it before and settled out of court to avoid the press. Possibly because he wanted to go on with his life. Possibly because he was guilty and wanted it to go away. There are a lot of maybes.
Now if we look at MJ's history in a psychiatric way, he had an abusive childhood. He had the pressures of fame heaped on him from the age of 8. He had a religious mother who constantly told him what to do and not to do based on the Jehova Witness faith. His brothers has sex around him from an early age, teaching him the ways of women, and how he would react to them for the rest of his life. He had Peter Pan syndrome as an obvious. He was also diagnosed controversially with Vitallagio, an auto immune disorder that changed his skin from black to white. He had body dismorhic disorder which motivated him to have surgery after surgery altering his appearance to a person who looked nothing like the person he was. We've all seen the nose.
Now, without thinking I'm defending or accusing or anything in this situation, I am not qualified in any way to make any sort of statement, I would like to say, knowing these things, without taking into consideration anything he'd been acuused of, are you completely devoid of sympaty? If you can say yes, I understand why. Really. I don't judge.
But, when I know someone's history a bit better I can make a more educated decision about the respect I give to someone and how much. So, when I learned all these things, yes I felt sympathy. I felt bad for someone who had lost touch with reality in such a way. Someone whose childhood had been so badly mangled they related to children more than adults.
With an adult urge to relate to children in such a way would have caused exactly what he was accused of. Was this likely? Yes. Is it excusable? No. Do I have sympathy anyway? Yes. Loads for the child. Some for the accused. Would I feel the same way if it weren't someone I liked that wasn't in the limelight? I can still say yes. I am an overly compassionate person though. You have every right to disagree with me.

I read a saying once that you never know what someone else is going through. That is true. Before I judge someone based on if they've treated me badly I try to ask myself why that is. Their motivation. Are they trying to impress someone? Are they in love with me? With someone I'm persuing? Do they hate women? Think I'ma flake cuz I'm a musician?
There are TONS of reasons to hate me. Right off the bat. But I would hope someone would give me the chance by getting to know me.
This isn't to say either, I am always able to do this. If I feel threatened, or if someone is being ingenuous my gaurd goes up and I don't care what their reasons are. You've lost the tenuous respect I've given you. And you'll have to work to get it back.

So if something as small as an imagined slight causes a loss of respect, imagine how fragile respect is. I have respect for many of the people in my life, but this is not the same as love or trust. I can respect you without trusting you. I can respect you without loving you too. I can respect a man for helping save a woman froma burning car. Would I trust him to hold onto my wallet while I ran to the store for any reason? He may be more trust worthy in general, but I wouldn't do it. I loved some of my exs with all my heart, but I didn't trust them not to cheat on me. I respected the decision they made to do it though, because they were big boys and I don't get to infringe upon free will. I'm not God.

We look at things that are an everyday part of life now, and they desensitize us to what reality is. We watch all sorts of evil acts depicted on tv, without consiously realizing that these acts induce torturous suffering. Even when we tickle someone, the act of laughing is a body's reaction to pain. We don't laugh because it feels good. We say cruel things because we think they are funny. We don't respect our fellow man.
Even my neighbors I complain about all the time don't consider where the music is going. Who it is disturbing. If they knew me and how bad my insomnia is, do I think they'd be more respectful? I'd like to believe they would. But they don't. I'm not in their conscious. They don't think about it, or me. This is common. Maybe this is partly my fault for not making them more aware.

The point of this whole thing is just to specualte on what role respect really plays. And why. If I have ever disrespected you, I apologize now. If you are a friend on mine on facebook I likely either love, respect, or trust you. Most of you all three. But I need to be more conscious of the respect I should extend to those I don't know. Try to realize what they are going through as well, and cut them some slack. So next time someone cuts in front of me in line I'm gunna try my hardest to think "they may be in a hurry, I can't know. Let it pass. Give them the respect they deserve without freaking. You'll be up next. Time is relative."

Thanks for reading, and mad respect to you.

Short Entry- Perfect Weather

2009-09-20T18:03:00.000-07:00

The weather today is exactly the type of weather I live for. A perfect Autumn day.

My Horoscope:

You can become quite single-minded when it comes to enjoying yourself today as your key planet Venus enters your 5th House of Spontaneity. Love may be in the air, but this isn't likely a lighthearted fantasy. You are anchored to the real world and are playing for keeps now, so make sure that your enjoyment stems from what's really going on and not just a figment of your imagination.

Yeah, so I play for keeps. When did that start happening I wonder? Spontaneity is always in the air. So to be spontaneous today I'm going to the Sound View with the guy I was dating on New Years, Matt. (Dad called him the weasel, because of the way he looks.) We're gunna drink beer and play pool. Catch up, since I haven't seen him since December. And in another random event today I'm gunna do sushi and catch up with Simon on Wednesday. I called him expecting to leave a message just to say how are you? Hope you're well and instead he answered and we talked for five minutes. Decided to talk in person. Told him about Jon, since he's his idol. (I always find that funny.) And the band stuff.

Anyway, this is short but I feel really good today after being so sick the last couple weeks. My memory is stable right now, and my pain is just in my back. Yesterday was horrible in my leg again. So it's a relief to be free from that right now. I'm in a good mood. So I hope Matt stays cool.

Karaoke Hate Mail

2009-09-18T23:59:00.000-07:00

Welcome to post 150. I suppose I have a lot to say about my life most times...

Last Saturday Johnny and I went to Game Works downtown and we had an absolute blast. We played air hockey and fighting games. We played shooters and pinball. We had a little dinner and a drink and then bar hopped. We ended at karaoke at The Crescent, reminiscent of my birthday one of my favorite days with him. I sang some Bon Jovi and I guess I did well at it because the kj bought me a drink and asked me to do a Heart song. They didn't have the Heart song I wanted so I sang "Black Velvet" instead.
When I got called back up again Shane, the host said "now what song is this?" I looked at the slip and written on it said
Kate
000001
Fuck you

I said "I didn't write that. Look at what it says!" He read it and covered his mouth. I smiled and said "can I still sing?" He said yes and asked what I wanted. I did Evanescence as per my usual. He came out and had a cig with Johnny and I and we giggled about it. I was drunk enough I found it nothing but funny. Johnny being eternally cute filled in a new slip that said
Kate
013566
She's wonderful

Or something like that. I never actually saw the slip. But it was a sweet gesture. We went home after and actually talked for awhile about spirituality and other things. Then we went to bed.

In other news Johnny's bassist is Gar. Gar's ex girlfriend Summer and I never got along before. I think I wrote about attending her birthday party and needing to have a conversation with her about what happened. She flipped me off and was rude and dragged Amber away from me whenever we were dancing or anything. I was so upset because I figured she was the epitome of one of the things that were already bugging me about Johnny and I. Johnny's friends it seemed has all these walls up about me. I felt I was going into something I was already losing. I had a lot of anger about it. Well, I ran into Summer somewhere unexpected last week and we had a long talk about what was going on and why and what our perspectives were. We spent a good deal of the night talking. She took me by the arms at one point and said "I think we're gunna be really great friends." I smiled and nodded, though at the time I wasn't sure whether she was being sincere. I believe now that we've spent more time together she was.
We hung out and had a sleepover one night, and we went out to the Mecca yesterday. She's a really loud, fun, amazing person. She's a tough girl, but we talked a lot about her past and I understand why she is the way she is. How she feels about Gar. She drew the icon for Johnny's band. We spent some time doing art on our sleepover.
She came out to the practice space at Studio Seven one day too. I'm hoping we can get together again this weekend though she may be busy. I feel like I can talk to her if I have to. And I have about one topic. But I haven't really voulenteered much about myself yet. As again, I usually don't. But I can see being in her life for a good long time. We have some shit in common.

Spent the day at Johnny's in bed, sick again. I think the stress is making it worse. I had a headache, was sick to my stomach, shakey, it was all bad dude. It wasn't a hangover or anything. I have another dr apt on Wed before I leave town.

Johnny and I and I suppose Amber are going to the Manic Street Preachers concert on Monday. I say suppose because I'm not sure if we're all going together, or if Gar is coming or what. I don't know if it's a standing thing because even though I kept asking J to go to the venue with me before hand so I could learn the ropes, we never went. I wanted to get to know the staff and stuff too, to figure out the best way to surprise Johnny. But it never came to pass. I may still try and do it tomorrow or the next day. I don't know how I'll be feeling. I have band practice early in the morning, which means when I'm done with this I'm taking my pills. But if I can pull it off, and I'm certain I could have had I had more time or Johnny had been willing to go, it would have been a great thing to accomplish. Maybe it can still happen. I'm gunna try.

What else? I finally gave Jon his books back. I'm leaving for Salt Lake again next Thursday, and it'll just be like a long weekend.

Sicker...

2009-09-17T05:20:00.000-07:00

It's been days since I've had time to write. Much has happened. I have felt every emotion possible the last 5 days, and I'm a little emotionally tired. I'm physically tired because today was a bad day health wise. My bad days are starting to take over my good days I'm afraid to say. I fight through and do what I have to do socially because I don't wanna fucking sit around and just feel ill when I can be with people I care about, but it's taking it's toll.

I woke up this morning with the worst headache I have had in a very long time, and I get headaches fairly often, so it's kinda saying something. I was at Johnny's last night and the morning started with Leia (his cat) coming over to meow at us at 7am. Johnny pushed her away a couple times before she laid down in the right spot. I hate it when she comes over to sleep with me, because she sleeps right between my legs. Never on either side. And I can't sleep when she does that. Eventually, about the time I'd gotten back to sleep she started in again. Then a little while after that Johnny's work called to say he didn't have to be in for the morning shift. Then Frank called to make sure I was coming to help him with his car. Then Leia started in AGAIN. By that time my head was just ripe with pain. I was so sensitive when I opened my eyes. I got up and drove to help Frank as I promised because I was in too much pain to sleep. When I got there he knew I wasn't well. But I drove him to the mechanics and came home. I still couldn't sleep for the pain, so I got online and tried to make the best of it. Dad came home shortly after and got me a cool washcloth and helped me into bed. I had taken a total of something like ten ibuprofen at that point.
My back had started to ache and I even started doing the hot and cold thing, though I'm not sure why. I gave in. I called the doctor. I made an appointment for tomorrow. Well, now it's in 6 hours. Guess who can't sleep.
I did catch a couple zzz in the afternoon though thankfully. I will say this, the one day I NEEDED the neighbors to be quiet they were. So that one thing worked in my favor. I guess not having band practice til tomorrow worked in my favor too.

When I got up an hour later I knew I had to go to the store for some things I desperately needed. I figured if I was gunna be out I might as well go to the Big Daddy's karaoke. So I got my things and drove to Woodinville. I realize now I have been thinking the drive is a lot longer than it is, but it's really not that bad. It's way shorter than to Seattle anytime. Frank gave me a long hug when I got there and looked at me and asked if I was ok. I said I'd be ok and I'd made a doctor appt. He offered to drive and I declined. I can do it. We've talked more about my mystery diagnosis, symptoms and health bullshit more than anyone. I trust him to know how to take it. He knows when it's serious because he's seen me at my worst tiwce now, and I never spend the night there. He usually doesn't get me in my sick peak hours. But today he did. We hung out through the show, and I did a little back up. I observed the system another night and helped with teardown again. I didn't sing much, I wasn't really in the mood. But I met the bar owner and tender again so it's good that they see me there. I heard a rumor about another karaoke gig I'd be perfect for. Maybe I'll persue that Friday. I could sure use the money.

I realize I'm blogging a lot more about Frank now. I don't know how it comes off to readers. But in truth I wish I had the time with Johnny, but he doesn't want me around that often it seems. We have our set days and that's good enough for him. So between time I spend time with Frank and we cook, and watch tv, and talk, and sing, and whatever. It's a healthy thing I need right now because when Johnny can't be there for me I do need someone. But he's just a really great friend.

I'm wrapping this up as I can feel the ambien coming on. I will catch up with a few stories. Markers: Gameworks with Johnny. Dinner with Jon, and hanging with Summer and Freddy. First day Jon got back into town. Dad's depression. Getting ready for Utah. Karaoke hate mail. Hopefully I'll get those in the next entry. Night world.

The Port Townsend trip

2009-09-12T03:47:00.000-07:00

*amendment: this blog was started on 9/11 and it's now 9/17. I have been so busy the last week I haven't had time to catch up or hardly breathe. But I'm gunna try and finish this one now...*

Today was a great day. One of the best in my life. Frank and I planned a day trip to one of the islands to explore and bike ride. Got up early and headed to his place at 11 am. We left at 11:45 and began the 2 hour drive to Port Townsend. Waiting in line a long ass time for the ferry but from there it was all good. We spent the rest of the drive talking about everything really. We listened to 80s metal most of the way. I insisted on Motley Crue. The drive was about three hours long, and we passed through a quaint town, so we stopped at a fruit stand. It was a day for exploring. Frank got a nectarine and I avoided getting anything since I'm allergic to most of the fruit they had. Dude, I miss nectarines and peaches and apricots most of all. When we got back on the road and he was eating it I thought "maybe enough time has passed I'm not allergic to it anymore. I drink orange juice in my vodka sunrises... Even though I can't eat the fruit. Maybe I'm dellusional." I wasn't. I had a nibble and almost immediately started feeling that icky feeling in my mouth. I was uncomfy for the next hour. But the sun was shining, I was on an adventure, and I was with the current best friend in my life. So I tried not to think about it.

We got to Port Townsend around 2pm and I was hungry, so the first order of business was to find lunch. We strolled down the main drag looking much like tourists, reading the menus posted outside of restaurants. One had listed a crab and artichoke sandwich. I had to have it. And boy, was I glad I did. It was the best fucking thing I've practically ever eaten. Granted, it's not sushi... but it was damn good. Frank had some other sandwich and a side salad and said it was the best dressing he'd ever had. The building with the restaurant was an old hotel converted. Damn, I think it was haunted. I get feelings about shit like that. I sense things. I liked it- But I didn't too. We sat on the porch overlooking the bay. The service was way slow, but I didn't mind. We were on island time. We left the restaurant to go and see about renting bikes and it turns out it was also a kayak stand. Frank's never been kayaking so we inquired about renting one. Unfortunetely they were getting ready to shut down for the day, so I promised him we'd go another time and told him what fun it is. We wandered around the port for the next little while. Stopping in shops, doing whatever tickled our fancy. There is a beautiful celtic store there I could totally see getting lost in. I spent a good thirty minutes in there considering buying everything in the shop, but eventually left with nothing. In another store I found a leather jacket I adored. But I have one already, and it would be a waste. We wandered looking for a shot glass for me and finally found one in a local drug store. I also bought a little Buddha statue. I've been meaning to get one for some time now. They are good luck, and it's a good reminder to just live with compassion. Kharma exists. Life rules. All things that mean something to me.

From there we walked to a park where I swang for awhile. There was a Japanese garden inside that was beautiful and I took pictures of every beautiful thing I saw. Which means I have more pictures than most trips. We wandered to the beach then to watch the sunset and while I was walking the tide rushed up and drenched my feet. I played with dogs, and we saw oodles of boats. The day drawing to a close and being very tired at that point from walking so far we decided to pack it in and call it a day. We made the boat exactly on time and walked to the deck where I let the cold wind whip my hair around for awhile feeling just amazing. A little sad to see that day go, but in great spirits otherwise.

We got back to Frank's and I talked to Johnny a little on the phone. We then watched tv for awhile til Frank passed out on me again. So I went home popped a pill and went immediately to bed. Oh my God, I woke up in a puddle of drool. I NEVER sleep like that. I was out dude. I don't think anything could have awoken me. The day had worn me out. I had just enough time to start this blog and have the sense to realize the pills were kicking in and I needed to be in bed now.

Anyway, that day is a memory I'll treasure forever. I didn't waste that day at all. Port Townsend, I hope I make it back to you.

A Detour

2009-09-09T22:29:00.000-07:00

I don't remember the last time I was this lonely. I feel fucking empty right now. I shouldn't. I've been invited out by 3 different people. I just came home to shower and this feeling just settled on me like a cloud. Perhaps it's what's happened the last couple days.

Saturday was Johnny's show. One of my oldest friends in the world Mary came to see him play. I hadn't seen her in years. Ironically she was just in town on a visit, as she lives in Salt Lake. Weird how that worked out. We caught up. Boy it was great to see her. I was bored by the opening bands, but Post Ado rocked it as always. I sure love hearing him play. Then there was an after party we went to, and the rumor was there was going to be little white happiness there. It never came to pass, but I got one of my feelings. It was in the air...

Sunday I stayed longer at Johnny's again, sleeping as long as I could as I was still out of ambien. I got up, texted Jon and he invited me over to his hotel. So I went. We had dinner and drinks at this charming Chinese diner. He said we should pick up some wine and keep the conversation going. So we grabbed 3 bottles of white. Talked for a long while. He apologized for the way he acted at the Seattle show which I greatly appreciated. He actually listened to me talk about my life, and the things I'm doing. Listened about Johnny, and about his band. It was a good vibe. Then he asked if I could get us blow. I made the call and even though I wasn't expecting it to happen, the deal went down smoothly, strangely. I've almost never had deals go down like that. Usually it's a lot of chasing and retarded wait game bs. So we went back to the hotel where it snowed long into the morning. Eventually Jon fell asleep. I was still wide awake, dreading the 30 minute drive, dreading having to stop for gas, dreading the eventual come down. I was already feeling it a little. But I put on my big girl panties and did as I needed. Then I came home. I swear to God I nearly had a heart attack. The shit was good. Some of the best I've ever had.

I laid around trying to sleep from 10am to 3pm. I finally got an hour round then. Then talked to Frank and was up for a little. Had another short nap and went back to Frank's where we made Pho soup and watched more food network. Confided in my last couple days adventure. Left around 3am again.

Monday I spent the day at home again. Did very little.

Tuesday I got up late. Slept a bit more which I needed, so that was nice. Went out to Johnny's earlier. I promised myself I wouldn't write or tell anyone what had happened til J heard. I wanted to be completely honest about everything. I knew he'd understand. So we had our usual Tuesday night with wine. Watched our programs. Made fun of "more to love." Made out for a long time.

I stayed late again this morning because I was supposed to head to Studio Seven for a jam session. Johnny came home on break and while I wanted to spend time with him in between, I slept instead. It was my first day back on ambien, and I'm pretty sure I took more than one because J at some point said "baby haven't you taken that already?" I put the pill down and laid down wondering if I'd already blacked out. So that probably helped the massive sleep. God, it's way better to sleep too much than not enough. When I got up at 4pm I drove over to Studio Seven. Jammed with an old pro musician whose band opened for WASP at some point. Also mentioned knowing the people in Witchburn and Hells Bells. I seriously can't believe what a small world it is. Or how tight the musician community is here in Seattle. Even the drummer knew Gar, Johnny's bassist. So they were all excited about playing. Hell we all were. The session went on for quite awhile. I think if I wanted to start another project now I probably could. If I'm impressing the musicians of that caliber, I must be alright. It was validating. Maybe I will start a second project. Who knows. I'd have to double up on writing though. That's just extra pressure.

Anyway it snowed again a little today too. Sigh. I was killing time waiting for J and it came out. Anyway, once he said he'd had a shitty day and wanted to be alone I cut it off and came home. Probably saving myself a lot more trouble. Writing has made me feel better. I kind of want to go to Big Daddy's, but that's a long drive for karaoke. I'm not even really in the mood to sing. I just kinda wanna talk to Frank. He's got a calming vibe and I wouldn't be alone. Should I drive? Or just wait the 2 hours til he's off and then go? I dunno. I wish he had a cell so I could text him and ask these things. I just wish he was home now. Life aint fair hehe.

Anyway we'll see how tomorrow goes.

Recall Before Bed

2009-09-05T03:19:00.000-07:00

So I'm writing again today. I need to go to bed soon though to be up for rehearsal tomorrow.

The last couple days have been kind of interesting. I'll start with Tuesday. Tuesday was Johnny time. When I got there he was very affectionate and attentive. It was incredibly sweet. It was the second time in a row he acted more like that. It was nice. We laughed long into the morning and had a good time overall.
Wednesday I stuck around through the day because his shift had changed and I wanted to be around him a little more. Then I came home and changed and picked up my friend Michael and we went out to the Wild Rose bar for karaoke. He met the host on okcupid and decided to meet her in person, and wanted me along so as not to be eaten by the lesbians at the bar. Johnny joined us after he finished his shift. She was very nice after all, and I had a fun time singing and stuff. We all decided to hop bars at the end of the night to this very nice Spanish bar with great ambiance. After a couple there, we walked to get wine and walk to Johnny's to hang and talk and drink. Plans got thwarted though when a rather drunk Michael started dancing and knocked the wine from Johnny's hand breaking it. J was super pissed for a little, and I being in the middle decided we'd leave shortly. I kissed J goodbye, and we walked the mile (maybe a little less) to where the car was parked in the rain. Tried to stay positive, but my feet were def being ripped open again. I'm still sore.
Drove Michael home, and on the way Frank called. He asked if I'd come over for a sec to help with some stuff and I said sure, so I went over and helped with dishes, and the cat and came home again.
Driving on the way to Frank's Johnny sent me a message asking if I'd call, and continuing the feeling he was demonstrating earlier he was very sweet and said lovely things again. I was liking the way things has changed a little.

Thursday I was dead. Just done dude. I had to get up early the next day to help Frank with his car by giving him a ride. But I hadn't slept much at all the two nights prior. So I had a hard time focusing, and was simply exhausted. I felt like crying. I arrived where I was supposed to be at the right time, but drove past the location, confused by the directions and ended up being 30 minutes late to pick Frank up. He was pissed off at me, but relented as soon as he saw how sick I was quickly becoming. I spent the after noon laying around his place while he worked on his computer waiting for the time to go pick his car up again. I made him drive my car to get his. He left me then to do errands and asked if I wanted to get back together again later. I said sure, if I slept. I went home to sleep after getting stuck in traffic that took me an hour to get through. I didn't sleep more than ten minutes. But, I went to his place again anyway. We watched Food network until Johnny texted letting me know he was home again. I left to go see Johnny.
J was depressed last night. He didn't act like the two nights before. I was getting sicker as the night dragged on. I tried not to let it show. We finally went to bed and after sex, a shaking fit started. I thought about leaving, even though I couldn't drive. I wasn't ready for him to see that side, not yet. But he held his arms out to me and held me while it died down. Soon I was laying on him and just praying to go to sleep, in pain.
I was supposed to call the university hospital today, but forgot it was Friday. So I'll call on Monday. More internal stuff to deal with.
I want to spend as much time with Johnny as I can right now because I can feel things happening that I can't explain yet. But I'm meeting up with him after practice tomorrow, before his show. A great sadness has crept over me as I write this. I think I'll ride with him and his drummer to help with the equipment loading/unloading process giving me a few more precious moments to just be near him. And then Sunday I will whisk myself away again to be apart. My life is changing again. I don't feel it in it's entirety yet, but I see it. And it's coming whether I want it or not.

Got up early to beat the ticket this morning and wrote my last blog. Then I finally slept a few hours. When I got up Jon called. We talked on the phone for 2 hours. We're gunna get together Sunday for dinner and to go over a script he's looking at to produce. Interesting to say the least. He's making his way over from San Francisco currently. I guess he's just gunna fly back to do VAST stuff, but he doesn't want to tour again for awhile. Makes sense. He's gunna stay in a hotel until Tuesday when he moves the stuff in his UHaul in. I may go help with that if he wants it.
We actually talked a lot more about me this time which I found interesting as well, because he seemed genuinely invested in what I was saying. I think maybe he'll come out once in awhile which would be cool. He also gave me the compliment I'm cool to drink with. I'm every one's fav drinking buddy I guess hehe. Minus the couple times I've been sloppy I know how to hang. But Jon's never seen that.

So since, I've been a homebody. Did dishes, laundry, went grocery shopping, cooked. I'm not done yet, but it's bed time and tomorrow will be busy. Guess I'll finish the chores on Monday when I'm home again. Til then.

Manipulation?

2009-09-04T09:19:00.000-07:00

I was just doing more research on Borderline again. Damn, there really is no escaping this fucking thing. Do you know one in ten off themselves? We will self destruct at the drop of the sentence "look what you've done."

You know, I never thought of myself as manipulative. Really, I figured the way situations happened was the way it was supposed to be and I'd cope. Sometimes badly.
But I was thinking about when I was cutting, and I guess deep down at my core (though you never could have convinced me then) I was being manipulative in that. Let me explain.
When my mom would yell, and demand, and punish, and then eventually push me, or shake me, or something, I used to beg her not to. I'd scream "don't touch me!" She would watch as I collapsed on the floor crying. I would try to yell over her sometimes, just to be heard. That was an impossible feat though. The worst always came when she'd be pushed to the brink of hurting me physically.
Then, after my soul had been worn down and destroyed after another episode with her I'd retreat to my room and punish myself further with a razor. Why? I was fucking angry, and frustrated that there was nothing I could do. She wouldn't change, or listen. She didn't see at the core how every time that happened, she broke me a little further, until I became so useless. Self esteem zero. Motivation gone. I lived in constant fear of setting her off. I remember laying in my bed at night barely breathing, listening if she would come upstairs to flip my light off, grab me out of bed and make me clean something I'd forgotten, or hadn't done well.

I heard from my Dad a couple weeks ago that his mother, my grandmother, used to say she worried for me because she felt I was playing the child's role in Mommy Dearest. I never got beat with wire hangers... But the movie is a bit too close for comfort just the same.

Anyway, I realized I had no way of controlling what was happening to me at that point, so when I cut I think I secretly hoped she'd see and realize what she was really doing to me on the inside, come crying to me, apologize. We'd have a grand scene and then we'd be fixed. But of course this never happened. This was teenage fantasy. But I was trying to manipulate my mother in the only way I could see could work: seeing her child in pain. Instead she told me I was an embarrassment, and I needed to stop it. It took her years to find out though. Even though I would sleep with the skin exposed, or wear the wrong shirt on occasion.

Do I manipulate people like that now? Last time I did it was the week Chris and I broke up. He'd denied my feelings once AGAIN about Jae Cee. We'd gotten into a large blow out over everything it seemed. He used to say he couldn't predict what would set me off. Well, in that relationship there were a couple sure fire things. Cheating, and then lying to my face about the cheating I knew was happening. I was getting ready to leave for Portland the next couple days. I knew when I left, our engagement, our future, and my life would be over. This was the last straw. And he didn't acknowledge it. He belittled me and all I felt, so I waited while he cooled off on his walk in my bathroom. Then I grabbed the razor almost without thinking and went to work. He came back sooner than expected and caught my arm a bloody mess.
Yes, this is horrible. Yes I'm ashamed to admit it. But at least at that point he knew. And I knew that he would go, and that would seal it. I had manipulated the situation into the exact opposite of what I wanted.
I wanted him to care. To love me as I loved him. Instead he turned and left me there in the most shattered mental state of my life. I drank a bottle of Kahlua and another of whiskey.

I imagined in my mind how that could have gone differently. What I wish he'd said or done. Wished I didn't need so desperately to be around him at that point so I could have taken a step back from it all and realized just what the fuck was going on. I was never going to win. Never. I couldn't have tried any harder with him to make it work. I really believe that. Or I never would have let the cheating come to pass, and forgiven it time and time again. For what? Empty promises and long nights waiting on him to never even show. A pregnancy he took no responsibility for. All the doubts and fears and that were completely valid. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't. I was in love.

I took too many ibuprofen and called a suicide line. They didn't help. I finished off another couple pills and laid down. I was ready to die. I had nothing left.
Needless to say I didn't die. I had a REALLY bad stomach ache the next couple days though. And a hangover. And I'd lost the person in the world I cared for most. Who literally, did not care if I lived or died.

So yes, I guess as a last ditch effort in certain situations, the cutting is a manipulation tactic, if we want to be completely honest and fair. Though without the explanation it comes of just sounding like, well, instability. Which there is sometimes.

I've cut since, of course, but with no other motivation I can clearly see other than the purpose of habit. Or personal pain from things I've done (likely accidentally) to myself. But the last serious episode, again, was last October. I'm almost a year in now... Am I getting better? I wonder for many reasons...

Sometimes, even though my mom is really trying to have a better relationship with me these days- I hate her. And I hate her, because I blame her for what I deal with everyday now. Could she REALLY not see what was happening at the time and how it shaped me? When my therapists have tried approaching the topic of abuse with her she always says "that's crazy, because she was never abused. I always loved her very much."
I denied it was abuse too. I defended her. But eventually I had to come to terms with the fact you shouldn't shake your child. Or scream (I mean it when I say scream. Not yell.) Or push. Or intimidate in that fashion. Would I do that stuff to someone I love? Never.

You may ask where my Dad was in all of this? Staying out of it. Because while Mom could never do the things to Dad she did to me, she made his life hell in other ways. And getting involved in mom's and my fights was a sure fire way to bring down her wrath. I don't blame him for looking out for himself. I wished he'd intervene sometimes. I wanted him to take my side, but he rarely did. Whenever we talk about stuff like this he always apologizes and says he wishes he hadn't been such a coward. I always say I'm just lucky to have a dad that was in my life, and saved it by moving us here after everything went to pot.

Sometimes I feel like a receptacle for all the bad that can happen in life. I feel if it's a bad situation, it's happened to me. Or will even sometimes. I guess I feel that way a little today. What sent me into this spiral of analyzing is almost trivial I'll bet you'd say.
Some idiot parked me into my space in Seattle. I maneuvered skillfully out of the space, except I tapped the guy behind me, on his bumper. The idiot had his car alarm on which sounded, and while I looked for damage and saw none I drove off feeling sick, like I had done really wrong and I was going to be in trouble. I've NEVER done that before man. I was literally squashed in there. So I hope it's all good, really, but it made me feel like shit. That alarm was fucking noisy and sounded like a cop siren. And the more I think about cops, the more I think I'm traumatized by the siren, the lights... The officers themselves. Dude, I shake sometimes when I think about it. If that isn't ptsd what is? So I drove off shaking like a leaf thinking "I have just set the tone for the day."

And now I need sleep badly. I was up for 2 days yesterday. I will write more of that in another entry, but I was really sick yesterday from not sleeping. And I didn't until I went to bed with J at 4am. Which was running on 43 or so hours no shut eye. I got 3 hours there. Then the incident happened, and now I'm home trying to work through it so I can get to sleep. The neighbors make that almost impossible, and have contributed greatly to the detriment.

How many more years, if I spend them on introspection, will it take for me to be healed? To be free of this curse? Or will I never be free and be the ten percent that it taken by the disorder?
I am self destructing even now, in situations. I can't stop. I am hell bent on my demise I think sometimes. Those who do not learn from their pasts are doomed to repeat it. I am doomed to continue to repeat situations until I work them out in my head. So, I gotta be faster. Thus, this blog. In some ways I am better. Many ways. But not enough to be satisfied with the parts I can't change yet.
No matter what I change, or how I improve, I can't change what's happened to me in my past and that's the part that will come up to haunt me. Because I can't erase the memories that made my illness. Nor the feelings they left. And the days when I can recall every bad thing in a matter of seconds, one of those days will be the next problem day. But I'm running from that for as long as possible.
Night.

Cryptic Drama

2009-09-01T05:04:00.000-07:00

I used to be the kind of person where if something was wrong, you would look at me and know. I had a hard time not letting people in on my emotions. I wanted to talk things out, and have people understand. Now I'm only motivated to do that if I feel like someone has me pegged wrong.

This is interesting to me because we Borderlines are supposed to be dramatic people. I go out of my way to keep my life drama free these days. However, if you looked under the surface of my mellow demeanor you would see drama the last week. Why isn't important right now, but I am dealing with some stuff internally that's going on in my head. I lay down to sleep the last 2 nights and Ive thought about 2 things. They're not bad. They're not scary. They just are. And they must be dealt with shortly. But nobody knows about them. And I'm not going to share them yet. It's manifested in dreams and the outcome of that dream is one I wouldn't have expected. I think I'm apprehensive, but I haven't shown that to anyone. Nor have I shown the other emotions inside. Thus, the point being, keeping the drama out of my life and just in my head. I hope my friends would thank me for that. If it got unbearable I'd tell Bev though.

Meanwhile I ran out of pills 2 nights ago. We're into hell week. But, I'm seriously trying to do this little trick where I clear my mind by telling myself there's no reason to stress over the not sleeping. I visualize my brain being lighter. I shit you not: It helped. Not enough that it wasn't irritating or 'holy God I'm cured and can quit taking pills!' but Ill take what I can get. Weird visual to help, isnt it? I get pills again on the 7th. I always get excited on the 4th, but its the 7th. This month would be new Xanax too, but Im holding off believe it or not. Trying to make it a necessity to go in again. Which is still hangover from my Mother always telling me I wasnt sick when I was. So, I'll wait til the headaches get bad or I get a new symptom or something.

You know what irritates me? When people tell me how I feel. Or assume they know. I know me better than anyone.
Something else I've come to realize the last little while is I have become a chamelion as well. Being what people need me to be in our relationship. I mean, I'm still me granted, but if someone has a bit more abrasive personality I get abrasive too. Or someone sweet, I am that. Is this why they call us mirrors? I want people to see me as certain things I believe I am at my core. A musician, adventurous, even a bit impulsive or reckless because I'd rather be those than ordinary or boring. But I think people are lacking pieces of the fundemental me lately. And it's not their fault, it's mine. But I want people to see the crazy dirty parts sometimes. Not all the time mind you. I haven't really fallen apart in front of anyone or been just a mess since Chris. I won't let myself. And the things I've dealt with since Ive gotten to Seattle are all very private things I've internalized. Yet, I've been great about not cutting. I really feel I've grown in that. My arm is completely healed again, from that bogus night of doing it on ambien unconscious.

Things in my life are still good man. Please don't take the drama as bad stuff. And don't take the chamelion thing wrong either. I'm still me, just the me that you need most of the time.
I'm tired as hell. I hope that means I can go to sleep now. I wish I weren't sleeping alone tonight.

Band Drunk Day

2009-08-30T10:12:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was an unexpected day. Overslept band practice. Got up when they called at noon thirty looking for me and raced there. On the way a car accident happened that nearly swiped me as well. Flipped 2 cars, papers flew all over the road. I've never seen anything like that, let alone thinking it was gunna take me out too.

Would not have been a good day to die.

Got to band practice and we played the set, then we all decided to go drinking. But, kids, it was 2pm. I don't drink during the day, like, ever. They said we'd be an hour tops because Frank, my rhythm guitarist said he had things to do. But instead it turned into an all day thing. And umm, I hadn't eaten cuz I hadn't had time. So after I had my first little bottle of wine I had a buzz which passed. But then Chris our drummer asked us to his place and we went. I got to know the guys more which was something I had been wanting. Side note: Chris owns a really nice house!

So pretty soon I was hammered, still not having eaten. I felt bad dude, like, thinking the guys would think I was a lightweight, which I'm not. But it was so much fun hanging out and talking. I got to meet their families and stuff too. They love really lovely people.

After listening to our songs, and waiting on the sun to go down, I took off. I got lost coming home from Snohomish. Then I changed at home and came to Johnny's, which is where I am currently. Got drunk again really quickly on the wine he had. I passed out laying on him again poor thing. He couldn't sleep right away even though dude, I was done. So he came to the computer but at one point woke me up being adorable. I never mind that. Then eventually came to bed. Where he is still. It's 10:30 am. No pills three nights ago and last, and actually slept. Wine: The magical sleeping agent.

I hope the band doesn't kick me out for being drunk like that. I don't think they will. I will clarify what happened on Wed I think.

Anyway, something I was pondering this morning: Do you think its possible to be in love with 2 people at the same time? I don't. I think that in love feeling is special and you can only feel in for one person. That's what Ive always believed, and how I've always felt. I don't understand people who say otherwise. Anyway, just thinking.

Break Through

2009-08-28T20:35:00.000-07:00

I think I may have had a break through with Johnny last night. Today is 3 months officially. We've been dating for 5. Maybe I was right in trusting my instincts that it would grow over time. Anyway, I finally just started talking. And, instead of feeling like, self conscious and silly about the things I was saying I felt like we had something meaningful again.
He said he loves me, and wants to be with me, and that this is the best relationship he's ever had. I was concerned it had been too easy. I had other concerns as well I haven't really voiced in here about intentions and time frames and things. So I just sort of started in on talking, and he talked back and it was all good. I broke that communication barrier I think I'd been feeling. Which means, I'll start feeling like building the friendship part more.
Today after last night encouragement I asked if he'd come to Frank's show tonight and he said yes. But then working it out- it didn't seem to work out so we decided he should stay in Seattle. I said 'I really want you to be more a part of my life because I always come here, and we usually do what you want and things, but I guess I just want to know you want to be part of my life. He said of course I do baby I love you.' And I smiled.
(Sorry if that last paragraph was confusing. I'm writing quickly.)

So he's coming to karaoke to meet Frank in 2 weeks, because next week he's got 2 shows to play. I'm hoping he'll meet some of my other friends too. I want them to come out to the Post Adolescence shows. The point of this is just to say the connection we have is evolving into something more tangible and that feeling where I shouldn't talk to him or I can't may come and go, but for now it seems to be heading in the right direction. I am starting to feel I know him well enough and am secure enough in this now to start asking for what I want. And that is a great feeling.

Music! Music! Music!

2009-08-27T16:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's band practice was harder, but amazing. And admittedly, it was harder because I was a bit of a pusher yesterday. I really wanted us to get "Nothing" down. Down so it sounded good enough to have a decent recording. Plus after hearing what Frank said about it all I pushed to incorporate his ideas because I agreed with him. So we made the guitars harder in the bridge, and did a bit of a guitar solo after the bridge, though while I'm singing the last bit.
I'm very happy with the way it turned out and am gunna upload it to myspace. Granted it's not perfect but it gives the idea. :)

In between writing this paragraph and the next I got an email from Gorilla productions again. They say the battle of the bands for the 13th is out. But asked us for Oct 11. I absolutely am stoked and said yes, even before talking to the guys but hell, plenty of time for them to clear their schedules. Lol. THEN I got an email from Josh our bassist who said he talked to their old producer and wanting to get the three songs down for an ep is gunna cost X amount, and the best time to do it is the first weekend in October. So the 3/4 in the studio. (A real studio! Holy cow!) and then the 11th debuting at Studio Seven. I am so excited. I am shocked. I am just all sorts of positive emotions right now. So much so I just had another bad ass rock melody write itself. I think I may write about what I'm feeling when I get done with this and want to focus on lyrics.

My dream when I started was to be part of a girl group. So I auditioned for one in Utah. I didn't have the right kind of voice for that particular group, but the company that was running and training them were impressed and asked if I'd work with them, because they were thinking of starting another group they thought I'd fit in well. So I worked with them for 6 months, dancing and singing and then it seemed to be going the right way. We had teamed up with a rather good boy band out of Utah that is now defunct too. But then... funding fell through and everything was put on hold. And then I moved to Seattle for the first time. Then I decided I'd be better off as a pop singer myself. I had been writing music since age 5 and I'd always wanted to record it and do something with it. But I had no idea where to begin on that. So I wrote, and sat, and did nothing for ages until I started talking to a guy online who said he could help me. So I went and recorded my first song ever at his apartment. "Mind Body Heart and Soul"and I remember how excited I was to hear it the first time. Wow. I was stoked.
Then I met my Ian sunshine bunny, and we wrote and recorded and bonded over our music. I recorded most things with him. And none of it was rock.
One weekend years later I went to spend the weekend with Wayne and he had a song written and asked if I'd do lyrics. So I did, and it became "Goodbye" which is now one I play with the band. And then I started getting into hard rock. And I decided then I wanted to be part of a rock band. Evanescence would be my inspiration.
The dream evolved into a Seattle rock band. I wanted to get back home, do rock. Then I wasn't sure how to do that, because the songs I was writing were all pop oriented before. On the ambient side almost. "Running" has always been one of my favorite songs I'd written. I wrote it about Wayne and chasing him and one day it clicked. I can make this a harder song. And then sometime after I wrote "Lullaby" intending it to be a hard rock song. And then I started thinking like a rocker. Then I joined "Metal Tears" and knew. I just knew.
Katie Kate's Monkey Punch has been something I needed in my soul, and when it was time, it came. And I wish it had come a year ago, but I guess I had to pay my dues with '2564' to get here. I appreciate the experience it gave me.

So now, here I am.

Michael and I went to Frank's show last night. Sang fairly decently. Frank always knows how to make the reverb on his mics sweet. I'd forgotten he can do that better than most karaoke hosts including me. I'm not biased on this. He knows sound really well. He was in amazing spirits. Really, very on show for him. Michael commented on it too. Then he said 'has he met someone?' I laughed and said no. I'd spoken to him earlier that day, and the day before and I'm sure he'd tell me if that had happened. We have no secrets.

Anyway, I actually helped take down the system, met the management, and then dropped Michael off home and went to Frank's. We laid around dead more or less watching Family Guy and eating the pizza he'd made as a snack. His kitty got into a fight the other night and his face is really scratched up, and he keeps licking it. I got up every once in awhile to check on him, and give him loves. One of those times I noticed Frank looking at me out of the corner of my eye and the look he was giving... It struck me. It was like he was looking at me as more than just a friendly look. Like lovingly. I didn't say anything and I didn't think about it too much until today. Maybe I'm being crazy. I've never seen that before though. Up until recently we didn't see each other more often than once every two weeks. Usually longer. When we were "dating" I way strectched it out. I didn't want to come off as needy or anything. When I started dating Johnny, Frank was well aware of what was up. And then right before Johnny and I got together we started hanging out more often than usual. The night after Johnny and I got together Frank and I went to One Eyed Jack's and did karaoke. He told me I was his favorite person to drink with. Why I took such pride in that compliment I dunno, but I liked it. When we got back to his place he sat on the couch and grabbed my hand at which point I said "Frank, Johnny and I are together now." He said something like congrats and I excused myself shortly after.
When that happened it was like, all of a sudden there was this magic thing that happen that allowed us to be friends. No worries about anything anymore. I grew into feeling like I could call him to talk, or hanging out all the time wasn't something that would come off as me trying to be his girlfriend or needy. Just hey, wanna hang? And we do. And it's easy. And until last night I didn't have a second thought about it. I'm not really having any thoughts about it actually. Just wondering what, if anything, that meant. Because it would kill me to lose that sort of friendship I have right now. I don't have to impress him anymore. I don't have to be perfect. I'm just Kate the friend. Not Kate the date, hehehe. And getting to see him at least twice a week is great. I think we're gunna try and rollerblade again before the weather changes.

Side note: Bought the new Imogen Heap album. We will see if I like it as much as the first. I got it because they didn't have the album I wanted Hoobastank's 'Every Man For Himself.' I love that album. I miss the hell out of it. Another all killer no filler IMHO.

I've written another long entry and included thoughts again, so I guess I haven't sworn them off entirely. And tonight is a Johnny night, so I gotta get ready for that. I'll be back tomorrow or the next day.

Fear

2009-08-25T15:04:00.000-07:00

It's finally Tuesday, which means it's time to see Johnny again.

I feel so off today. Not helping, I scared myself this morning. I suppose I'll recall the events leading up to this.

Yesterday was Frank's bday. He managed to get off work a little earlier than expected so I went to his place. He had already started in on the whiskey. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek when I got there. Pulling a me. Maybe I'm rubbing off on him. He's rubbing off on me. I always say "thanks, man" and I'm pretty sure I picked that up from him. Anyway, we went to Tasters Wok again, and the karaoke host Sabrina is really great. Michael met us there as well, and Michael totally digs Sabrina so it was fun watching them interact. Meanwhile we're singing and laughing and having a good time. I only had a couple drinks though. There was a crowd of regulars for Mondays sitting at the next table and they were very nice. One of the guys let me bum 3 cigs off of him, and I don't bum normally. I usually buy them, but he wouldn't let me. So that was lovely.

Getting to the end of the night I of course, am gunna drive Frank home and promised to see Michael at the 13th ave on Friday for Frank's bands' show. We stopped for food on the way back to his place, and he got some sort of spicy burrito. Then I had another shot of whiskey as we sat around and talked. I find it odd I can shoot whiskey, and not vodka now. Even though I'd much rather drink vodka than anything. Eventually I tucked his drunk ass into bed and came home. He said I love you as I was leaving. I smiled and said I love you too.
I posted to facebook at the end of the night as I usually do, and popped my pills.
Don't do anything else tonight I said to myself. Get changed, do your night time stuff, go the hell to bed.
I never listen to good advice even if it is mine. I blacked out right after. I ate a hard boiled egg by itself, called Frank again who thankfully didn't answer the phone, posted to facebook about not feeling well. And then some I love you bullshit on Johnnys page. Sigh. Then the scary part: I finished off the rum that was in the house for making a drink when Dad and I are sick. I don't know how much it was. I don't remember doing it. I don't know why exactly I saw a need to keep drinking in my state, but apparently fucking crazy Kate thought liquor would def add something more to that point in the evening. I'm always interested to see what I've been up to because I always leave evidence of it around after. The egg shell in the sink, the bottle on the counter, the checking on facebook, and of course the phone calls the next day from people saying you called, or, why did you call? I simply told Frank I took my pills and apparently felt like having a chat. Don't remember it though. Sorry about that.
And it's not like I ever get the notion to talk at a decent hour. It's always 6 or 7 am. I am always so embarrassed about it. I always now get up thinking what did I do. Unless I remember drifting off. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

This is all happening after Michael Jackson's death is being ruled a homicide because of a cocktail of drugs a doctor administered because he couldn't sleep. I posted about it actually. Now I am here.
The only time I have ever been really distraught over someone I didn't know who died was Heath Ledger. I liked him as an actor, but I was a wreck for an hour or so. Chris just held me unsure what to say or make of it as I wailed "don't you see? That's going to be me!"

And I am scared. Because I still believe that.

And it has been building and building and building. I can remember sitting on the couch in the front room as a middle schooler, praying someone would wake up and come down and keep me company. But they never did. And I can remember moving to the island and playing the sims every night until 3am even though I had school the next day because I couldn't sleep. And I can recall finally going to the doctor about the headaches soon after and finding they were likely due to a lack of sleep. I think it was 2 years later I began the ambien. Then I started drinking because I turned 21. And that's when the initial weirdness started. So I learned not to do both at the same time. But with no one around, I didn't care. I wanted to have fun, and go to sleep.
But then Chris would stay over sometimes and I'd get crazy on him. I can't imagine how hard it would be have been to be with me on those nights. I don't envy him that. I think there were things he'd do that made it worse though. After awhile I was never the best version of myself around him on ambien or not. He made me suspicious and angry and say snipey things. I hated who I was after awhile. I'm not mean or anything mind you. I don't hurt myself or anyone. I am just... Weird. Sometimes I get sad I'm told by my Dad. I think I know why. At my core I have always been tragically depressed. It's only been the last year and change I've been really happy. But the thought crosses my mind everyday that it could just as easily be taken away. And I wonder what I'd do, and I'm not ready to face that.

Five years I've taken that drug. I've built a tolerance to it. Eight years with serious, chronic, unrelenting insomnia, with periods of hypersomnia sprinkled in there when my body wants a recharge. Two years since I discovered the ectacy and agony of Xanax. The only real thing that worked. I drift off, like you're supposed to. I lay down because I have no choice. There is a moment of pure euphoria that washes over me when my brain says oh my god, we're going to sleep now. And then, at the beginning anyway, I'd sleep for ten hours. And I'd wake up and I could remember things. And I had energy. And I felt so fucking ALIVE like I'd never known on a physical level.
And then I got addicted. And I had to ween myself off of them for the first time. Dean to his eternal credit helped by stealing 3 of his roommate's xanies. I left money for in one of her pants pockets hoping she'd just think she'd forgotten about it, while still paying for the pills. If we had asked permission, she never would have let us. Dean's room mate at the time was Amy, the only girl I've ever really gotten into a fight with. Well, near fight I suppose. Anyway, I don't feel bad about that even though I probably should. I weened myself off properly and stopped taking them.
I don't think I realized how well Dean treated me at the time either. I was still wallowing in the whole Chris with Diana thing, which was the worst blow. Hoping somehow we'd end up back together. Dean I think, though not deeply in love with me was in love with me, and I'm afraid I really broke his heart. I think I'll call him and tell him I'm sorry, and that I appreciated him.

But then I was on again. And off again. And on again, and then lo and behold addicted again, with no resources to ween off. So I went cold turkey. It was 4 days of hell, nothing like the 2 days of irritation the weening was. I promised I'd never get addicted again. But then, even in the time I've been writing this blog I realized one day I was having symptoms. Knowing what it was I did exactly what I had to do. And now I'm off them again. Though dear god I would KILL for some right now.

Then last September rolled around, and just as I predicted the worst happened, and I wound up in the ICU.
And now I feel like I'm just waiting for it to happen again sometimes. The further along I get, the less I feel the pills, the less sleep I get and the more desperate I get, it's all a fucking recipe for disaster. The last REALLY good sleep I got was the entry I entitled "napping fucking rules." It means so much when I get good sleep, I actually blog about it. How fucked up is that?
Dying doesn't scare me. Like I said, I kinda look forward to it in ways. What does scare me is I'm gunna do it accidentally. In a haze of nothingness, and won't see it coming, even though I have total control over it.

I hope people can have sympathy for me when I do these amazingly stupid things. I hope they realize I can't help it, and I don't mean it. And obviously I'm not thinking or I wouldn't.

So yeah maybe that's contributing to my off feeling. I'm gunna have a little cry, and then I'm gunna head to the beach. Maybe I can get away from the noise here and just reset myself. Then I'm gunna try and talk to Johnny. We're not far enough along for him to have to be dealing with these things. Now isn't the time for him to be dealing with my stuff at all. So I'm gunna clear my head, and spend the evening trying to reconnect with my boyfriend I haven't seen in 5 days, and what feel like longer...

Band/Frank in Seattle

2009-08-23T13:07:00.000-07:00

How early am I up again? God. I can see dying from this today. I was up for over 24 hours again. I had to get up early for band practice yesterday. The day before that had to get up early for Johnny. Wednesday I just had bad sleep issues. It's culminating into imagining myself laying down and never waking up. Not that a break from the pain wouldn't be nice. Lucky it's Sunday and I don't have to worry about doing anything.

Yesterday at band practice we finally decided on a name which is great because we've been dealing with that for weeks now. Totally based off a joke the drummer said, we have been coined Katie Kate's Monkey Punch. When I told my Dad he just laughed and said it was perfect for knowing the guys. I was happy cuz it's my name in the title heh. That and it's a respectful throwback to the 90s music I know and love. So, I began designing a logo for us yesterday, redid the myspace site, sent out a long email sketching out a game plan from here, did some research, and spent the rest of the day just pretty busy on band business. We're making progress. Things are moving along as far as what a band can do in the initial stages. I'm excited.

Johnny and I didnt have our usual Saturday night together for the second time in 2 weeks. Last week cuz of his cold, and this because he is in the studio recording his debut album. I'm excited for him and very happy he's doing it. He's doing it again today as well. Anyway, since it got cancelled, just as I was thinking of heading to bed, Frank called. I, except for the last 2 weeks as well, don't get to see Frank on the weekends. He's always gigging on weekends. His gig yesterday was in Tacoma and ended early so he asked if I wanted to go out. I said sure! Fuck being exhausted. So he said he felt like driving to Seattle, so I rattled off about 16 of the places and what was going on and he decided on 80s music at the Noc Noc. So, I got dressed and we went. I played him the songs on the set list I wanted feedback on on the drive there. Frank is always super tactful but honest when it comes to that sort of thing. He said 'Nothing' is a great song, but the dynamics need to be more accentuated. I agree completely. He liked 'Full Throttle', though the guitarist was off the day we recorded this cut. I won't play him 'Running' until I get a decent take with the vocals not being complete dog shit. Anyway he said he's excited to come see us play and that we sound like a good rock band. Yay! I respect his opinion more than just about anybody's right now when it comes to the music.

We got downtown and looked for parking for a bit, discussing the Lady Gaga album and assorted other bullshit. Then as we walked to the Noc Noc we passed a couple other bars, the Whiskey Bar being most noted. I said if the first stop was lame we could always bar hop. Well we had a couple drinks, and we danced to Michael Jackson, but the club was so noisy and I was not feeling the crowd there at all. I didn't feel there was anybody approachable to interract with. So I made noises about maybe switching and Frank and I are very similar in the sense that we don't really care what we do, we just sort of save the foot down for important things. So we decided to walk to the Whiskey Bar, since he's a big whiskey drinker and I've never been. I always want to see new places given the opportunity.

On the walk there we passed the Nite Lite where Johnny's friend and manager Val was smoking outside. Crazy coincidence. So I gave her a hug and introduced her to Frank. Said where we were headed, and she said that she and Tim would be heading to Sophie's at one. I said we might join them and we proceeded on our way.
The bar itself was really warm inside, almost unbearably so. The menu listed all sorts of shots most being like, 11 dollars. I ordered a vodka cran and waited while Frank polished off something 114 proof. Then I said I'd really kind of like to go to Sophie's. I thought it would be nice to have a conversation with Val and get to know her a little more. Not trying to interject myself into Johnny's life anymore than he wants, but since I was invited I decided it would be fun. So we walked there and got a table. Had a short conversation, and soon Val showed up.
It was nice. I was worried Frank might feel left out, but he kept up and interracted like a pro. I think I worried because he's an introvert in his core, and I think I just overlooked the fact that he's a performer as well, and he's always been willing to be social when already out. Plus he was pretty drunk. But not sloppy drunk. Just, you know, delightfully buzzed.
I drove his car home because he got a little more drunk than he intended to be, and I was more or less sober by the end of the evening. I left him when he drifted off watching Fatal Attraction. I'll see him again on Monday.

Anyway, I'd take a nap now, but the neighbors are playing their GOD DAMN MUSIC AGAIN! I'll watch tv until they die down. Mother fuckers.

Jon 2

2009-08-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

Sorry about ending the last entry. I was pretty drunk, and had taken my ambien. I did more crazy shit last night, I don't remember doing any of it. Luckily the only person I texted was Johnny which was an i love you text, but I was startled to see it this morning just the same. I did learn one thing: I can still write pretty well when wasted. I've written entries when I have a buzz fading at the end of the night. That was the first one I'll look back on as impressed. Anyway, without further ado I give you part 2.

The first night I came home reeling. I could tell he was attracted to me. I'm pretty sure I asked him to hang again before he could me though. We decided to do sushi a couple nights later at a nice restaurant near the water. He ordered in Japanese which was cool. The night was nice, but he talked a lot about his Japanese teacher. I drank sake and listened politely. Eventually we ended back at his place again, smoking, talking, and at one point he said "you know you can sit closer." I realized I'd been giving him space. I liked him and I wanted to be closer to him, but I was intimidated. It had been rare I'd been intimidated by someone before. So I sat next to him and he put his arm around me. I was guessing by that alone I hadn't come off as a lot of the girls he knew. I knew he knew I liked him. But I questioned why exactly. After a couple more glasses of wine he leaned in to kiss me. I didn't pull back.
The next night we ended up having sex. There was nothing really romantic or special about it. It was what it was. We continued to hang out for the next month, til he had to return to Austin. His interest in me faded a lot I noticed. I can understand why it happened from his perspective. I promised to hold onto his books til he returned on tour, and to keep in touch.
I'd text on occasion. Sometimes he'd text back, but mostly not. Sometimes he'd ask if he could call. Then he'd talk for a long time about his plan to come back, or his plan to go to Japan. He'd talk about his ideas for the next record, and his intended internet business. Eventually I'd have to tell him I had to go. Then on Christmas he sent me a text after not talking to me for a couple months. "Merry Christmas Kate, how are you?" I sent him one back saying I was good. Then he asked if he could call? I said yes and we spoke again for 2 hours. I knew for a fact he was lonely. I thought it odd he chose me first of all, and odd a man who is adored by many was as lonely as he was.
I'd hear from him again maybe a handful of times before he left for Japan, and then his tour. At one point he talked about rooming together when he came back. Then he talked about buying me a plane ticket out to Austin to come visit him. He was sending mixed signals, and finally I just said to myself I don't know how to deal with this. Friendship is great if he wants it. I'm not gunna try and read his mind anymore though. So I let it go until I got to Salt Lake to see him perform. Getting to hang on the tour bus was cool. I decided then and there I wanted one. He was cordial, and we talked more about me than him for the first time since I'd known him.
Then the very next night he snubbed me. Hard core. I wondered what the hell had changed since the day before? Michael told me he'd gotten a girlfriend. I didn't care. All I wanted was a hello. I was the only person who showed up to the Seattle show he'd known in the entire six months he'd lived here. That was how it was. And yes, it hurt.

This comes to my mind because I got a text a couple days ago saying he was moving back and wants to see me. So, he arrives in 2 weeks. It'll make him happy and that's good, and I'd like to be able to talk to him about what happened. That's about where the story ends for now though.

On a side note Johnny Haro (The drummer for the Dreaming) has been great about texting. If I text him, he always texts back. I don't talk to him that often but when I do he's always super sweet. There was a day we were having a text conversation while I was in the library and somehow the subject of VAST actually came up. Turns out they had written a song with Jon that never made the album. When I said I knew Jon from when he had lived here Johnny was surprised. We spoke for a few more minutes of industrial 90s music then he had to return to work and I returned to looking for books. Today is Johnny's birthday, and so we spoke today. He says the new songs are amazing and they'll be on the road again as soon as the album gets made. Good, becuase that first album had not one single bad song on it. Not one. And besides, it'll be good to see Carlton, Johnny, and Brent again. There are Dreaming adventures yet to be had.

Jon

2009-08-22T04:46:00.000-07:00

I was thinking tonight about the history I've had with Jon. (Not Mr. Blue Eyes.)

Long before Jon knew I existed, I knew he did. His song, his lyrics... Some of them touched me in the way only life long loves do. "Touched," ""Flames," "We Will Meet Again..." Yeah, those songs moved me. Made me feel something. His band was always one of my favs. Since Travis talked me into liking them. I never thought, in a million years, I would meet and interact with him. One of his songs had an impact on my life, on one particular dark night I'm not ready to share yet. But his words were there... Comforting me. Perhaps egging me on...
Anyway, so I found his myspace. I didn't write him right away. I didn't want to. But I loved reading his blogs. They were relevant, and funny. Finally one day I got up the balls to send him and email. I told him how much I liked his humor, and hey, I was in Seattle too. I knew the cool spots, and if he ever wanted someone to show him round certain spots I would.
I didn't expect any response.
When I got an email back I shook. Literally. I saw it there, afraid to open it. Dear God, had it really happened? Had someone I looked up to musically actually written an email back?!? I clicked gingerly on the email and holy god. It was him.
He thanked me for the email. Said I was funny too. Described how he'd ended up in Seattle. Told me some interesting things. Then lo and behold he asked how to get ahold of me.
It shouldn't be this easy I scolded myself. You've looked up to this particular songwriter for years. How fucked up would it be if he actually exchanged contact information with you?
But then he did.

We wrote back and forth for a week before we decided to call. Believe it or not, he called first. As I saw the contact information light up on my phone that afternoon I began to shake. I wasn't sure the last time I'd been this nervous. Fuck, I had no idea why. We'd been talking for 2 weeks. I'd known he was gunna call. It wasn't like this was Justin Timberlake calling or anything. I answered the phone and managed to keep it cool. He asked when we could get together. I told him I had plans the next 3 days, but after that green light. He said cool. Lemme know. Keep in touch.

I went to Seattle for something 2 nights later. My plans finished early and I thought to myself, I wonder if Jon's available. So, I rang him. He was at some bar with his room mate, and invited me over. I took a deep breath and headed to first Ave.

I found the bar. Jon was waiting outside for me. I got out of the car, took a couple deep breaths and trodded towards the 2 guys waiting. Jon looked nothing like I had imagined him to be. Still recognizable, he looked different. This, made it easier. We hugged and went inside to drink. He bought me one, though I bought the rest. We talked the whole time. Me sitting there thinking, damn, this is surreal. I'm sitting here with one of the people I look up to musically, and I'm having a normal conversation. Something about trance music, and ex relationships, and Texas, and record deals. Wow. It was just... Yeah, surreal.

As the night drew to a close he said "wanna come back to my place? I have wine." I smiled still unsure what to make of everything and said "sure." So we went back to his place, in West Seattle. A small apartment in Sodo. We went straight to his room and talked FOR HOURS. Jon likes to talk though granted, it's mostly about himself. I have coined him as having LSD, Which is Lead Singer Disease. We drank wine and talked til way after 8am or so. Then I said I had to go. I couldn't spend the night there.

And here is where I end this installment. More soon, after sleep. Hang tight, the story gets better from here...;)

Too Personal

2009-08-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a few days because I've been mulling things over in my head. I should mull them over in here as I used to, but a couple events have shaped how I feel about how honest I've been in this blog. Perhaps, too honest. I'm not sure my complete self, thoughts, experiences are good. Make me a good person.
Part of what goes into this was allowing Johnny to read part of it, because I asked if he wondered what I wrote about him. He said he did, and so I debated whether to give it to him for 30 mins. I finally did, and apparently it was sort of a bad idea. He sees the relationship going differently. I asked him how and the only thing he said was he didn't see it being such an ordeal. So full of pain.
I'm wondering what he read exactly, because it hasn't been a painful ordeal. There have been parts that have been painful. Mostly the parts when I didn't think he really cared either way about me back. And, the beginning part with Amber. He won't read it again though, so I suppose it is what it is.
He didn't want to talk about it after that. One sentence and over. He doesn't want to know. What does that say exactly?
Amber has the address to this, and I know she reads all the entries. I know she doesn't tell Johnny what I've said. Anything I've said to her though, I've disclosed to him at this point. The stuff in here could be misconstrued however. I don't want that at all. I gave him the entries so he could talk to me about any questions. Also, so he could just see how much in the privacy of my sort of public diary, I have written about how wonderful I think he is.
This is a diary after all. Which is probably why it makes for decent reading. Because I write this the way I used to write in my journal every night.
Beyond that I suppose I'll get the events of the week down.

After Frank and I went to dinner on Sunday I stayed until midnight chatting and watching the food network. When I got home I got online and talked to Johnny for awhile. Atl 4 he decided to go to bed. He still had that damn cold, so he went to make theraflu. When he was messing with the kettle he burned himself with the steam. It was bad. He got back on messenger and told me what had happened and he thought he needed help. I left immediately and picked up supplies on the way for the burn.
It was pretty bad when I got there. After he debated me for awhile I insisted we go to the E.R so off we went. Spent the morning there, trying to make him laugh, keeping him company. Finally the doctor came round took care of it all, and we went back to his place. The sun had been rising for awhile. We both commented we hadn't had a morning like that since our coke days. Really, it kind of made me anxious. It was a close reminder. So I popped an ambien and laid down. He laid down next to me and we were asleep soon after.
Monday I spent with him, as he called into work. Nothing interesting to write of. I was EXHAUSTED from 4pm on though. I kept telling myself if I laid down for a nap, I was wasting the extra time I had with Johnny. I refused so I pulled through in that state til 5am when we both went to bed again. Tuesday I left pretty soon after he woke up, as he had made plans with Amber. I stuck around just long enough to say goodbye.
Went back Tuesday night, though I was itching to go out. I hadn't had anything to drink since the last Wed. I spent my first weekend in ages completely sober. I had spent nearly a week in ages completely sober. I hadn't interacted with anyone but Johnny and Frank in a week. I was going a little stir crazy. I would have just gone out and then gone to Johnny's, but I didn't get ready fast enough, and I wasn't sure where to go.
Johnny had wine though, and when I got there he had bought a little Eeyore figurine for me. I have lots of Eeyore things and it really was thoughtful. So I was happy and drinking the wine made the social thing go away. For that day anyway.

Yesterday I woke up in Seattle next to him and he had an early work day so I came home and did my usual Wed routine. Get a salad from McD's, watch an hour of tv, get pissed off at the neighbor's music, try to nap anyway. Then I get up, go to band practice and come home. Band practice was sort of a bust as our drummer and rhythm guitarist couldn't come, so I spent the hours playing a metallica cover, rehearsing one of the ones that I wrote, and writing a new short jam piece. Maybe I'll start writing lyrics to it. It has potential. Then I needed to take back some overdue cds from the library, so I went and returned the materials. I got some new books I'm excited to read, and I spent what felt like forever at the grocery store. Came home, extremely tired again. Was about to call it an early night but decided to check my music myspace, and upload 2 new songs. I had a message. It was Liz from Studio Seven asking if I'd be interested in playing Seattle battle of the bands. I freaked out. Of course I was interested. Not only that but playing at Studio Seven has been a dream since I saw The Dreaming and VAST there. To be on the same stage seemed improbable for awhile. Yet, it seems it's going to be the first solid offer for the new project. Holy cow. To be acknowledged, recognized... To have the honor of even being invited is amazing. I was so stoked. Johnny's band apparently was as well, but he says they don't do anything like that. I'm always excited for an opportunity to perform. I realize maybe he feels he doesn't have to compete. I'm not gunna really be there for the competition. He also says he's heard it's a bad venue to play for. I don't care. It's a validation thing for me. I don't care if we win, but I know Lullaby is a solid good song. I've never heard someone say they dislike it. Hell, my parents even like it. My worry is that I got the email a little late. But I'm taking it as a positive thing. The signs point to it. I'm excited for the future.
I uploaded "I Never Had You" which I recorded live and it happens to be one of two I'm rather proud of to do with Chris. I'm finally working *my* process of getting over it. I want to record the one I did about Johnny soon. It's kind of a love song. It's a first, I don't really do love songs.

Today I went to lunch with my Dad at a mongolian grill and we talked politics. Came home and took a nap, now I'm up writing this and needing a shower. Haven't had a cig since tuesday night. Considering going out for them. Anyway, Dad and I are gunna watch a movie and do dinner when he gets home from weight watchers. Then back to Johnny's.

So you're caught up on my experiences, though not many of my thoughts. Not sure I trust them as much anymore. But I'm still here. Still letting you in my heart.

Weird bits

2009-08-16T01:41:00.000-07:00

I was motivated to write. I've taken my ambien. I can tell I'm not all here. I'm supposed to do sushi with Frank tomorrow. Exciting. I was supposed to see Johnny tonight, but because he's sick it got canceled. I spent the night watching tv and doing chores. Lame for a Saturday. I started getting strict again today on my diet Ive lacked for so long.
I also began writing an important letter I think.

I need to take care of shit on Monday. Instead I'm gunna zone out to The Downward spiral for now. Sleep must come soon.

I don't understand how people see fit to judge me, when they don't have all the facts. It seems this is going on with a few people in my life. Who do they think I am exactly? I have strength. I have a voice. I do pick my battles in life. Even on a different spectacle why would I chose something that could be over something that's good now? I think things through, for as impulsive as I am. Let me say because you see the nice person I've been, and I am nice- Does not mean you have me pegged as that. You'd be surprised. I am solid. But I am an illusion. You haven't seen all of me yet. You may never see all of me if I don't trust you.

You are someone else. I am still right here.

scraping through my head til i dont want to sleep anymore...

I should lay down. I don't like what I'm thinking much. Ambien is fucking weird.

Slower Paces

2009-08-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

The world is spinning at a slower pace today. Slept late. To be fair I took a second dose of ambien to put my ass back to sleep. I was exhausted and just needed that extra boost to put me back into la la land.

It's raining outside and I'm listening to traffic, but mostly the sounds of the buses at the station. It's actually kinda peaceful.

Last night we were supposed to get together with Johnny's friends for karaoke, but nobody really showed. Johnny had been complaining about an eye infection which he saw the optometrist for and they prescribed him Vigamox. They prescribed me the same thing for the ulcer on my eye. It stung for awhile and I hated it. Johnny after putting the drop on yesterday though had a really adverse reaction to it. He was in tons of pain. So we sat there waiting for his friends to show up while he was in agony, and finally canned it and came back to his place.
We started drinking pretty soon after and I watched him slam the drinks knowing damn well he was hoping the vodka would kill the pain. It didn't. But it made him the most drunk I've seen him. He said the most lovely things. :) Anyway thank God he eventually got some relief in the form of passing out.

Spending the day in bed next to him... There are worse fates. ;) He's laying down again since he can't open his eye. So I came to write to occupy myself while I figure whether I should go home and come back or just stay. I'm a little hungry and I'm afraid cooking will disturb him. I'm afraid anything I do will disturb him and I don't want that.

I did end up spending the night at Frank's the other night. He was very considerate and lovely. He got up before me and made Mexican coffee, and laid some yogurt out for me. There was no noise to be had, except our quiet chatter while we drank the stuff and it felt oddly familiar. Except I've never had that experience before. Oh, come to think of it maybe once or twice at Dean's, but we were never up at the same time. I drank the coffee on the balcony of his condo watching the ducks. That's a lovely memory as well. But that's a solitary memory.
We are spending more time together than we ever have, and I find it strange a bit because I think he's beginning to want me around. Let me try and explain it a bit better. Before we hung only when our busy schedules allowed it, and we didn't really make time for each other. It just sort of happened when it happened. But in the last, I don't know, 2 months maybe he calls more and always figures out a time we can get together at least once a week, though a couple weeks it's been more. I don't want this to be misinterpreted as a romantic thing as it isn't, but it feels like he's come to appreciate me as a person and what I bring to his life. I guess I'm simply remarking on how interesting it is to me that it took him this long to come around. Or, I don't know, that it came around at all.
We talked a lot about his depression last time, and what would fulfill him in his life. He said he liked writing. I offered to help him, and he said he likely would try. I wish he would get into an original project if it would in fact help him feel better. The cover band is driving him crazy right now and I know he's always done that but he's the best guitarist more or less I've ever met. He shouldn't be pissing that away on other people's licks.

I really know some incredible musicians. I swear, it seems to be the only people I know here. Well thank God for that because I didn't know hardly any in Utah, and I craved it most the time. The ones I knew were all crazy. Take Mason for example. Oh, I guess I can't count Nate in that. Nate isn't full on crazy, just the adorable kind. Anyway, it's been great to hear other songwriters and ideas and things. I wish I could've scouted some friend musicians before, but I think it worked out for the best being with 'Durtbox.' (Name is going to change.)

So I've been writing and contemplating this blog for 45 mins and I'm no closer to deciding anything on coming or going.

Dad found an amazing looking place on Craigslist. Has a dock, allows dogs, it's a fucking HOUSE so the best part NO FUCKING NOISY NEIGHBORS! AND I CAN FINALLY BE INCONSIDERATE TOO! YAYAYAYAYAYA
Ahem. I'll grab hold of myself again. The issue with this, is that it is Arlington which adds another 20 mins to my commute to Seattle anytime I want to come. Which means even less money. Even in the chance we get our shit together in time for this place to come through it's a great place so there will be competition. It's on the fucking water. I'm sold. More or less.

Well I've filled up another blog entry bsing again. I've gotta quit this now and find something useful to do. Like watch tv. I'd write music, but there's no keyboard here to work with. Take care world.

Whining

2009-08-10T21:41:00.000-07:00

I am overly irritated with the neighbors again. The music is still going upstairs. It's almost 10pm. Yesterday and the day before it went til 1am. I can't do it again. I'm gunna try and find a place to crash somewhere else for the evening. I'd call J, but I don't feel like bugging him on a night alone. Driving that far seems a ways right now. I'm not feeling super hot tonight either.

The last 3 weeks have been another roller coaster in the health dept. My pain level is out of control, and now to add to that, plus the insomnia, I'm having stomach issues. Fucking great. The last time it was this bad I took a bottle of ibuprofen 800s in a semi suicide attempt like, 3 years ago. The next day I woke up pain ripping through my guts. The first thought I had when I opened my eyes is "shit, I'm not dead and my stomach is bleeding" I just knew I fucked it up. I was bleeding when I went to the bathroom. I was sick for 3 days after like that.
I've been feeling that same pain on and off, but I haven't o.ded on ibuprofen or anything. I haven't even gotten like, wasted wasted in weeks. So I'm wondering what's up. There has to be a better way to deal with this fucking pain. My head, my back, my leg... Besides the ripping pain I'm having issues with nausea and stuff. Any stomach issues you can have I've been having it seems.

Dad wants Johnny to come out for dinner. Wow. That's NEVER happened with a boyfriend. My parents have never invited them out, or back, or anything. Did I do something right? Crazy.

I stopped at Frank's yesterday and was shitty company cuz I was so tired. I'm heading back tonight to take him a couple things and be better company I hope. Maybe I can sleep on his futon. I'll ask J if that's ok first. If not I'll be back here later unless Julia calls or something.

I have a couple of dreams I want to write about, because I think bits are significant but I'll wait. So, til then.

Meet the Units

2009-08-10T02:41:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been a little different and crazy in a few ways. Johnny agreed about a month ago to meet my Dad, and I didn't really push for it, but it sort of came about that this weekend would be good. So, last he met my parents. We had dinner at the spaghetti factory.
In true Johnny fashion, they loved him. :)
It was really one of the best meetings I've ever had. He was honest and thoughtful and kind. He spoke to both me and them, and overall it was casual anyway, the tone. So it worked out.

After that Johnny got a text from Gar and asked if he wanted to go to Summer's birthday party. Summer is a friend of Amber's and Gar's ex girlfriend. Johnny wanted to go, and I'm always down to go anywhere just about so we went. What proceeded was drama again. Summer hates me. She hates me because she wants Amber and Johnny to end up together I suppose. I realize I am very careful about not talking shit behind someone's back, so this is me really needing to vent. I'm not talking shit, I will find a logical way to say this stuff in light. *Exhale*

I don't remember the last time I was this pissed off at someone. Yes I do. It was Amy. Amy took issue with me after Dean and I didn't work out because I broke his heart. Dean at the time was an alcoholic and had a whole bunch of issues with depression and worked all the time. He was wonderful, truly. But he wasn't for me. When I showed up to my usual bar in Utah with Chris the first time after Dean and I broke up, and Chris and I were working out our issues for the last time Amy was there, and not having it. Amy is a big girl. She could just sit on me and fucking, I'd be done.
When she started her shit from across the bar I sat there politely drinking my drinking and ignoring her obvious threats and taunts. I finally decided to be the bigger person and walk out of the bar whilst Amy trailed behind still calling me out. I had had it. That was my fucking breaking point. I whipped around and felt the adrenaline pumping through me. "What the fuck is your problem Amy?" I sized her up. I could take her. (I think that was the liquor talking. At the time I weighed 115 lbs) Chris held me back, whilst Nate held her back trying to call her off. But I lunged, caught by Chris. Tears were coming to my eyes. I never cry in front of other if I can help it. The anger was seething out of me anyway it could. She got free of Nate and I stepped aside as she came at me. It made her stumble a bit. I spat "I can't believe you."and turned to walk to my car. Unsatisfied, but rethinking what would have happened just then it was probably best I didn't die there. Amy had no reason to be on me like that. To hate me for no damn good reason.

This brings me back to last night. When I arrived Summer saw Johnny and I, smiled at him and flipped me off. That rush that feels like you lose your breath when you know someone is disrespecting you fell over me. Slow down Kate, I told myself. It's her birthday. Be nice.
I gave her a hug, genuinely wished her a happy bday and asked how she was. She responded with good and turned away.
The rest of the night she tried to drag Amber away from me repeatedly, was very short with me. And I made the decision to make one more attempt for her to at least treat me with the same god damn respect I had her. When that wasn't received either I decided I needed to talk to Summer. I had listened to her bitch to Amber at the show. I have seen the way she treats me. Words must be said. I can NOT let myself get disrespected in this. I learned from my last relationship. If Johnny and Amber won't stick up for me, I'll stick up for myself. Fuck it.

Yes, I'm in love. By God, it's the worst thing I could have done in their eyes. I'm not Amber, strike 2. It's not like I came into this situation with the cards stacked in my favor. Amber and J don't say anything, Ill come out looking like a bitch, but I did NOT start this. And I can't just take it. I refuse. I won't be the abused puppy of this situation. I feel sorry that she's doing this, because it's catching me at a time I can't show forgiveness.

After the evening we went back to J's and pretty much went to sleep. I didn't sleep much- I'd forgotten my pills but Im on them now so it's time to go to bed. Night.

Read this. You're in here. :) (LOVE)

2009-08-07T17:01:00.000-07:00

Later tonight I get to see Frank and Michael and Julia. Karaoke crew. Stoked about it. Leads me to this...

The more I am around someone the more I come to rely on them for emotional stuff. The more I like them. Even though I blog about starting to go into a bpd episode nobody but my Dad has actually seen one since I've been here. Nobody knows I even have it here except for Amber, and Frank ironically. I told him one night really drunk as some sort of explanation as to why I'd never have a boyfriend again. As it slipped out I realized that wasn't a good thing to be telling the person I most had feelings for at that point. But he didn't really know what it was and really, nobody would be able to tell I have it if I didn't say anything I think. Unless they are like me and study psych. Frank has been an amazing friend to me all the year long. Though he argues we've only known each other like, 9 months. Whatever. Feels like we've been friends for ages more.

I have grown into a social circle for the first time in my life. A few people I feel extremely close to and would do anything for. I feel they feel the same of me. Odd. I have always had more or less acquaintences I'd call to find out if we were hitting the same spot that night. Even Annica whom I considered to be my closest friend in Utah for a time, I never trusted or felt she'd completely be there for me ever. Wayne I couldn't possibly adore anymore than I do, and I'm pretty sure after we had the conversation in Utah when I told him I hadn't been in love with him for awhile we solidified our bond to be a lifelong friendship. He soon after put me as his second friend on Myspace, after someone I don't know and before his best guy friend. That made me feel really special. Maybe that's completely dorky but true. I called him and asked him for advice a month ago when I was worried about the Johnny situation. He listened, gave me advice as a friend, then advice as a dude. He always makes time for me. My love for him is on so many levels, unlike anyone else in my life. Weird, but I love him as a love of a lifetime, unrequetted love, unobtainable love, a friend, a brother, an ex, like, anyway you can love someone is how I love Wayne.
Johnny I grow to love more everytime I'm around him. I feel like every fucking moment is just a blessing or something, and even though I feel like maybe I'm being too nice (even still!) I can't change how I want to treat him. I want to say nice things, treat him with respect and make him happy. He's been so great about agreeing to meet the parents tomorrow. I may be more nervous than he is, but a little excited too. They'll put a face with the name, and all the gushing I've been doing about him. Sigh. It must be nice to hear me talking up a guy instead of crying over one all the time. I can't stop talking about his music either! Even if something happens, I still am gunna be a fan of his work. No contest.
Amber has been really great about opening her home to me. Sharing her innermost thoughts and such. I talk to her more than just about anyone these days. It still feels awkward on occasion trying to work through the thoughts I have on the realtionship she and Johnny have, but I think a bit of it is just... Not jealousy, because it's not the right word... But I see what they have and I want to have it with him. I already sort of have it with her. She's so fucking strong in ways man. People are loyal to her. She's clever as fuck. The only thing I'd change is having her come out with me once or twice, to solidfy her as part of my friend circle. So she'd be more involved in my life so I know she'd stay. I worry she'll leave. I can't help it. Chicks leave man, and so do the boyfriends. Those are my 2 major issues. But she's got compassion for animals, and her closest friends. I hope she considers me one.
Bevin is solidifed in my life. She's my best friend, hands down. That will never fucking change. We haven't been as in touch lately as I'd like, and I don't feel as close as we once did, but I feel that's been because when she and Josh moved in together I lost Bevin and me time. We need that I think, to be strong friends alone. But Bevin needs anything ever, I'm there. Done. She's sat on the phone with me after I swallowed a bottle of pills and waited for my parents to come to take me to the hospital. (This was ages ago.) She's been there through boyfriend after boyfriend. She's celebrated with me. I chose her to carry my banner at graduation. Bevin is one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met and I am lucky to be her friend man.
Alastair, I never thought I'd say it, but if I need money he'll lend it to me. He makes time for me too. He completely accepts and apologizes for the things that happened when we were together, and is even willing to reminisce on occasion if something reminds me of those six months I loved him. He isn't what I'd call a sensitive guy, but at the same time he listens.
Michael is such a sweet guy. He is totally the kind of guy that would make an ideal boyfriend. He asks what I'm thinking, compliments me, we have good times together alone or with other friends! He sings fucking amazingly. (I'm critical, coming from me that means he's really good.)
He's so considerate and sweet to everyone he meets. People are fucking drawn to that kid, and for good reason!
I even feel close to my blog readers, Shane especially. You guys hear the thoughts that are in my fucked up head and haven't run off yet. Bless you for that. I love reading yours Syd (I do know your real name, and we need to hang ;), Melody, SB (I don't actually know your real name but you're fucking HILARIOUS!)
Adam is in his own league. The first word that comes to mind when it comes to Adam is fucking RESPECT. I respect him more than anyone I've ever met. He has been a complete gentleman. He is so strong. His heart must ache like mine does from all the compassion he has. He is an amazing father, and he did the most noble thing for me when Chris and I were together, even though, he is Chris' best friend. I was so attracted to him on a different level when I first met him, and I wish I had listened to what that little voice inside was saying that night at the club. Instead, I was blinded by false promises and charm. Sigh. He is, in many ways, one of my only regrets and I'm not sure he'll understand entirely why. ;) I'm not going to go into it, but there's more to it then just "I wish I'd had a chance." I do, but it isn't just that. He deals with a cripling disease with such dignity. I seriously don't know how he manages that. I am crushed by mine.
I am in awe of him, everytime I'm around him. And honestly, the time I have around him isn't enough. I wish we were closer.
I miss Ian so much it hurts. He and I have played this game for years where we're super close. Best friends really, then we lose touch for months at a time. We're at that point now. The last time was because he went off to open for Blessed Union of Souls. Jerk. ;) He has more musical talent than just about anyone I've met, and outside of Michael, the best voice. My sunshine bunny. The only word for Ian is magical. You'd understand if you met him.
Nate started off as a fan thing, and grew into a great friendship. He's fucking dissappeared too, but he'll come back. I have faith. I have to. I can't imagine losing him to addiction or a psycho bitch again.

I've had lots of friends through the years. Mostly after high school. Most of them have come and gone, and been sort of acquaintences and shit. But I am loyal. If I love you man, I'll love you for life. I even still have love for the person who has hurt me most. I can't help it. I always will I think. Everytime I write about him I work him out of my system a little more I think, til one day I see myself being ok. Not angry, not hurt, not trying to survive that mess anymore. Just ok. Ok with the history, because it spawned some of the major events that made me who I am now. And he left me open to find the man I dreamt of on so many levels. I don't mean it in a corny way either. I mean again, when I made that list of the impossible things I wanted in a man J fit them. All of them. And I made that list thinking "he exists, but I'll never meet him." Then I did. Then dear God, for whatever reason he liked me back. ??? It seems impossible. I mean, the logic of it. The numbers are off. So many things had to go right. And they did. And I don't know how, but maybe going through the last one was the due I had to pay to meet him.

Ok. This is a long entry, I know. But I really have so much love in my heart right now. I just want everyone to know how much I think of them. I think the world of the people listed. I need to shower now, and get ready for a little Frank time before everyone else meets up. Thanks for reading this whole thing. :) And, you know, thanks for letting me love you. In my own special, short bus way.

Ten am

2009-08-07T06:19:00.000-07:00

Pandora has chosen for my listening pleasure on The E.S Posthumous station Conjure One. I suppose it's fitting. I'd categorize the two together. Yet anytime Conjure One pops up randomly anywhere I think the universe is trying to fuck with me.

I'd only ever categorize one relationship as having a song, and that was, of course Chris' and mine. And our song was Conjure One's "Extraordinary Way." So thanks Pandora for starting off the evening with this song. :p

I went to Johnny's tonight as per my usual Thursday night. Got there late due to other circumstances. Band practice and such. But I was SO HAPPY to see him tonight. I felt my heart was so willing to give tonight. Just, like, full of love like that entry I wrote in May, but not due to the afterglow of ecstasy. I'll explain later. For the first bit he sort of ignored me, fixing his glasses. Dude, he had every right to. So I sat patiently, waiting on him to acknowledge my presence, and soon enough he did. We began drinking wine, and continued our usual routine with one minor change. Sexy change. No details included, but I'm pretty sure he enjoyed it. I did. :)
Meanwhile The Fray played a show in Seattle, which means I had nowhere to park near Johnny's, so in order not to get a ticket I came home. I'm sad about it, but it had to be done I suppose.
I can't blog about this entirely- but I feel some wrongs from my past are trying to correct themselves. I wish I could have told my younger self someday this would happen, and maybe I would've taken some peace in that, but I think I would have continued to self destruct anyway. At least I would have know that someday everything would have been ok. Not sure I would have believed myself. Not sure it's entirely ok now, but for now it seems like things will become better.

As I fall further and further into the trappings of love with this boy, I can not help but wonder if my heart is, in fact, safe here. I wrote a song about him today. It's called "My life" but really its about my life with him in it. I told him of it, in case it gets tossed into the mix of what my band learns. I never thought I'd write songs about having love. I never thought I deserved it, really. But I'm happy to have it, so much, and know I won't ever take it for granted.

That brings me to the band- Josh, our leader, yet bassist, has us ready on the bill of another band before Halloween. I'm excited, but wary. I'm not sure we're quite strong enough yet as we've been together, what, a month?!? Granted this is better than the 6 months I was with the last band with no prospects. Still the songs they wrote even though they wrote them, and the songs I wrote, even though they learned them, sound quite different. It's a really good fit as a band, really! But there is still some blending to be done so we sound like a cohesive project. It'll happen, I'm confident. But yet, we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves. I don't want to look back and be like, 'we shouldn't have done that.' We will discuss this on Saturday I'm sure.

I should go to bed. This is short. Salvation comes at ten am in the form of magic ambien.

T&Q

2009-08-03T04:02:00.000-07:00

Why if I seek the comfortable and familiar, when things become comfortable and familiar do I sometimes get bored? There is nothing in my life now that is comfortable and familiar. Not even Johnny yet. This question is not to be applied to J mind you. I'm not bored with him.

I wish sometimes I could tell people what I really think. Not just the nice stuff. But I protect people. I wish the honesty could come spewing out of me, all of it, even the ugly bits. Instead I mostly keep it to myself, as I'm so afraid of hurting people. I always admire people that speak harsh truth. As much as I try to change this aspect of myself, I can't. I simply can't be an asshole. What am I afraid of? Isolating myself? Causing permanent damage?

Most of my relationships are without conflict. Bev and I only ever had one time where we were irritated with each other years ago. I don't even remember over what now. Even my older brother and I had only one fight that I can recall over an Elmo doll I had become attached to at the point. He played keep away with it, with my sister. I was maybe 7. I've only ever been angry enough at 2 people to lash out at them physically. I never have mind you, but it's the only times I've thought about it. My sister, and Wade. I met Wade when I was 20. He was 35. We dated for awhile, but he fell crazy in love with me. He got super possessive and jealous. He was a Taurus as well, and knew exactly which buttons to push and how to get me really worked up. I never hang up on people. But I did on him a couple times. I did with Chris once too, but he deserved it. And I called him back when I calmed down.

I want to compliment people a lot. I always wish people would more with me. I don't exactly need the validation, but sometimes I think people forget about me. Is that weird? Like, hearing the nice things reminds me I am a good person with good things that other people like. I'm not just someone to keep round to be used at the most opportune moment. But then they go away and they forget I exist. I know I exist. I must. Do people just keep me around because I'm a nice girl?

I feel like the "nice" parts of me, make me want to scream sometimes: "I'm a real person inside here! I get angry! I do stupid shit! I am not always this nice!" What would people do if they heard my real thoughts?

I'm in my head splitting even as we speak. I'm really happy to be home alone right now for a moment. But I don't want to go to bed alone. It seems almost horrible tonight. I couldn't sleep next to someone right now either though. I'm screwed either way tonight.

I wish so much I could fall asleep watching tv. Or listening to music. I always sleep best when someone else is in the room with me, awake, doing their thing. They can't sleep til I fall asleep. Why is that? That never fucking happens mind you. But I can clearly remember drifting off in the motor home while waiting for my parents to go down themselves. It seemed safer. Also when the humidifier was running. Those nights were good.

I want to hear the words "I miss you." My name. "I remember you." "Wait for me." "You make me feel alive." "I love you." General statements. Not from anyone in particular. Just someone.

I'm going to lay my inquisitive mind to rest for the evening. I may come up with something better to blog of tomorrow.

Snails and Cheetahs

2009-08-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life takes a snail pace, and other times it runs. This week there has been drama and snails, and cheetahs.

I waited for Thursday for what seemed like for-ev-er! Johnny's band played a show Thursday night. I was looking forward to it for over a month. So the early days in the week seemed to drag. I had a lot of emotional shit on Monday and Tuesday mostly due to hormones I think, but because being in pain sucks and dealing with other things it sort of culminated into a two day fuck fest. Trying to talk to Johnny about how he felt on Tuesday night was more or less a complete failure as well.
I really just wanted him to tell me why he liked me. Hear some reasons he wants me in his life. I wasn't a bitch about it or anything. His best answer was "you're a cool broad." Trying to probe him past that he avoided, so I dropped it. Didn't help render what my Dad had said about our relationship as untrue. He has to want to be involved in my life more. We have to find something we can do together to bond over or something.

Anyway Thursday finally rolled around and I went and got my hair and makeup done with Laura, she makes me look cute. Foundation was a little heavy, but we've been having record breaking temps in Seattle here. So it had to be heavy or I would have sweat it all off. Eventually I did, but that was later.
Got to the street where I park near Johnny's and Amber invited to pick me up which was incredibly sweet of her, so we drove to the venue together, and wandered around Fremont for awhile. I have to say Fremont is the place in Seattle I want to live. The shops are walkable, the buildings are great. It's an artsy community too. The older I get, the more into art I get as well.

As we walked by the venue again I saw Johnny standing in front of it. He was facing away from me, and though we were cross the street I knew it was him and my heart skipped a beat. That signaled the beginning of the night, officially for me. Amber and I helped unload the equipment into the venue and as we walked by he said to me "you look good" I smiled. He knows when to say that to make me feel like the effort's been worth it. The money in that case too.

My anxiety level however was rising. For no damn reason. I had to get a drink. I started in on a vodka cran. By the second one I was calm again. By that time Sarah had showed up. Remember Sarah who was dating Alastair that I rolled with on my birthday? Yeah. It was AMAZING to see her. She's always so lovely. She brought her new boyfriend Jay, and we all hung out and chatted. They had met at the Mercury which was my haunt til Johnny and I started dating. I'm not sure it would be his scene anyway, but it would be good to go again soon. Anyway, they drank, we danced, she thanked me for introducing her to his band. She and I talked for a little while outside, then they took off before the second set. I paid for both of them to get in.

Johnny played so well. He looked at me a couple times. He asked specifically after if I had noticed him look at me during the Toadies cover. I had. Made my heart skip a beat again. He's going to give me a heart attack. He'll kill me. Heh. He wore eyeliner that night. Ideal way to get me going too. When we hooked up again outside after the set, we shared a ciggy and talked for a bit. I held his hand trying hard not to just make out with him there. We went back in to listen to the second band and I sat next to him. Just happy. And drunk. Very drunk after I finished my long island.
The last two bands played and I wasn't a fan of the second one, but the last one was kind of catchy sometimes. I wasn't paying a whole hell of a lot of attention. We decided to get out of there and take the equipment back to the rehearsal space.

From the rehearsal space we headed to another bar. Kept drinking. Luckily I know my limits when I am pacing the drinks and I was that night believe it or not, so on the last one I knew I was done. Right about the time I realized that, simultaneously Amber decided to go the bathroom. So I decided to kiss Johnny. But she came back and saw it, which sent her over the edge. She stormed out of the bar, and I chased after her. I know the situation has been hard on her, and I guess that was a breaking point. I talked to her and calmed her down enough to come back, and pretty soon after it was time to go. We stopped at McDonald's for food and went back to Johnny's. The 3 of us sat around eating til Johnny got sick. Amber left soon after and we went to bed shortly after that.

The next day huge drama went down between Amber and I when she decided she wanted me out of her life. I've promised her I won't go into details but needless to say it really fucking hurt as she accused me of things I hadn't done. We talked through it and everything is cool now. But I spent most of yesterday consumed by that. Part of it crying.
It made some of my abandonment issues rear their ugly head. Everybody I consider close at some point lets go of me. Leaves. Mostly I've been taught that in love, but it's everyone. Annica moved, Bevin moved, Wayne moved, Nate won't even return emails now and I don't know why. All of the people that I love most leave me at some point. I'm really quite hurt about the whole Nate situation. I know he got a girlfriend but I've been in his life through a baby, a psycho, an ex wife, and all sorts of shit with him. Hell, I met him in the middle of his own addiction. I've been nothing but a good friend to him. But that aside, I hope he comes back. I really hope he comes back.

So Thursday to now has been a bit of a cheetah time.

Today I'm kicking back, in relatively good spirits. I'm watching the Martin Brashir documentary. I've only seen it once before. I'm a total goob for docus. I'm going to Johnny's at 8. It's 6 now. I'm spent writing. I'm also broke. I spent nearly all my money on Thursday. Send me good lottery vibes hehehe. Just kidding.

Hope everything in your world is going somewhere between snail and cheetah pace.

Explination a lil

2009-07-30T02:12:00.000-07:00

I wanna keep this shorter if possible.

I apologize for the last entry. I was feeling incredibly bad, on the impulsive bpd side. Almost spiraling into an episode. None of what was being helped by watching people doing pills on tv and such. Also after a talk I had with my Dad about things.
I'm frustrated with myself because I've left experiences out of this blog, thoughts, feelings. I'm afraid of being judged, or perhaps secrets being leaked I don't want the world to know of yet. I created this page to be fully honest with the world, but mostly myself.
I wondered if I had a place to be fully honest if I'd hate myself? The things I do/ don't do? What will be left of me after it all? The truth. The whole truth. The real me. I'm no angel. Don't want to be. But there are things about myself I'd change.

It really does take a man I care about deeply to set me off. Again, unfair, J had no idea he did it. But just the same it happened. I'm gunna have to do more filling in, probably in another entry, as I'm getting tired. But basically my Dad pointed some stuff out I'd been ignoring, or content with. Then I opened my eyes. It hurt again, as it often does.

At band practice today, as the boys were listening to my lyrics Frank (my guitarist Frank) said "You've been through the wringer with guys. I think it's time you deserve to be happy. Only if it doesn't ruin the music though." I laughed and said there'd be no shortage of any of that, anytime soon. They like the one I began last summer, and finally pulled again to work on this week. Pretty ballad called (right now anyway)"I Never Had You."
When Tom asked to see the lyrics, he had a grand idea of what they meant. I was irritated. He was way off. It's about Chris.
"I can't miss- something I never had..."
Anyway, we will see what happens

My comp is going to overheat so I'll leavew this alone for now. BBS.

Marker

2009-07-28T01:21:00.001-07:00

God damn it.

This impulsive feeling chased me down today too. What is up Kate? Seriously!

Oh lord. Never mind.

I just switched mindsets.

I popped a Xanax a moment ago. I decided I couldn't take the impulsive shit anymore. I went to the cupboard expecting to take my last pill, and low and behold I had two left. I may try and buy some off a friend this week too when I get cash. If I don't mix them with ambien, they'll last as I haven't taken one in a month.

I needed it right now. I'm glad I saved a couple for emergencies. I was quickly spinning into a bpd episode. My own brain and doubt set me off tonight.

You can reach out for someone, because you're lonely. If you're me, and it's not the exact person you want, it doesn't help. Fucked up dude.

I'd go into right now, but I'll wait til the next entry. I'm gunna lay down soon, and listen to This American Life.

The Woods

2009-07-27T03:48:00.000-07:00

"Alone." My brain whispered quietly today.
"Alone alone."
"You're going to be alone."
Shut up brain, I thought to myself. I've been through this before.
The day before. The feeling separated from the one that can save.
The day of, sitting there alone.
Alone, alone, alone.
I took a deep breath. I smiled at Johnny. I didn't let my face betray me.
I kept the rushing tide of emotion down long enough to wish him a good day, tell him I loved him, and kissed him goodbye before work.
Then I got into my car.
I imagined driving into traffic. Going on a bender. I imagined throwing myself off a building. I imagined all kinds of ways to hurt myself. I had no control over my thoughts. Just my actions.
I had told Ali I may stop by, but couldn't bring myself to do it. Amber has this theory about how much energy you expend to hang out with different people. I got it, but never agreed with it fully. I did today though. I came home.
My Dad got home right after me. He gave me a big hug, I was excited to see him. He wasn't home for long though. He asked if I'd be ok. I nodded. No more impulsive shit running through my mind. He promised we'd do dinner, and talk tomorrow.

I called Frank back, he asked if I wanted to come over. I thought about it, considering I wanted to just stay home and write for awhile. He said we could do later. I agreed. Frank doesn't require energy, as he doesn't expect anything from me. Made myself some lunch and laid down after. My exhaustion took me out in a matter of minutes, for once. My pain level today was lower than in has been any day in the last month. I took only 200mg of ibuprofen. I woke up strangely. It was like I could feel a breath moving through my whole body, finally exiting out my left arm and opened my eyes. Still, no noticeable pain.
Perhaps a moment of calm before the storm.

When I got to Frank's his cat Suni, (who is my fav cat besides Neo, who lives with my ex Dean) was waiting for me. I called him inside and he came, rubbing against my leg. "He doesn't do that for anyone but you, you know" Frank said. I smiled.
"Good kitty." I said, scratching his face while he purred. "Good kitty" I whispered again, where Frank couldn't hear.
We barbecued steak outside, while the sunset. I breathed in the pine scent, and wiped my hair from my face.
"You look like you have a lot on your mind" he said.
"I'm ok. Just a little tired." I looked away.

The meal was excellent. Frank has great sensibilities when it comes to food. I asked him to let me watch the finale of a show I've been watching. Completely white trash dating show, I never wanted to get into- but somehow got sucked in, because I knew one of the would be contestants.
It ended as I thought it would.

We talked for awhile, Frank and I. Covered some deep topics. None of what was on the forefront of my mind. But still, I hope he's in my life for a time. I have something to teach him about friendship I believe... Meanwhile, he has loads to teach me.

I stayed until I started having allergies. Scratched Suni goodbye, gave Frank a hug and thanked him for the evening. Driving home I listened to VAST for the millionth time. "Lady Of Dreams" a lyric-less tune on repeat. Now I write you, waiting on the Benadryl to kick in. Waiting on tomorrow. Waiting on news.
~

Facebook keeps asking me if I want to friend Chris. It pops up there, taunting me. "Friend?" We were once, weren't we? "7 mutual friends." Against my will I dreamed of him again two nights ago.

I blame facebook.

The dream included his new(er) girlfriend. She told me he'd been cheating on me, even through the last of it. In my dream, I was satisfied. I told him we would never be together again. Then I dreamed of Johnny. We were walking through the woods. Holding hands. He leaned in and put his hand on my head the way he does, and I closed my eyes, living in that moment. "It's gunna be ok Kitten." Then he faded and I was in the woods alone. I woke up next to him, he was sleeping very close, on my pillow. I touched his neck and went back to sleep myself.

I out of sheer morbid curiosity want to know what Chris' page says. Maybe some part of me always will. But I've had to put that away. Promised myself I didn't want to talk to or see him again. I tell myself repeatedly I hate him for what he did to me.

But I don't.

I do wish, after time, we could be friends. But this will never be, and why I wish this I don't know. He didn't care whether I was dead or alive. Still doesn't. I miss my friend. I miss nothing else.

I'm tired. I hope the woods are waiting for me tonight too.

First Kiss Chris

2009-07-25T02:23:00.000-07:00

I find it funny that Chris' have come to be so much trouble in my life. This is the story of the first Chris.

Chris Robinette was older. Rebellious. Went to a different school. His hair was dyed blue. I'm not sure entirely why I liked him. Probably because he liked me. It's odd now, but I can't remember how we met. We had nothing in common. My parents hated him. I suppose at the time that was just a bonus. We had hung out maybe once before this day. It was getting late, and Chris had to walk home the 2.5 miles. Sometimes he skateboarded, but that day he walked. I offered to walk him part of the way, to the edge of the neighborhood. We held hands as we walked, igniting my soul on fire with feelings I didn't fully grasp at the time. When we reached the edge. He leaned into me. He was much taller, I believe a foot, so it looked like an odd gesture I'm sure. "Oh my god he wants to kiss me" my brain fired at me. I hesitated for a split second thinking "why does he want to kiss me?" Then thought better of it and leaned in too.
It wasn't a bad kiss, for a first kiss. No teeth bumping, or weird lips. It went quickly. Then I said "ok bye!" and speedily began walking the other direction. Smiling to myself the whole way home. My mom was waiting for me in the living room, and saw my expression.
"Did he kiss you?" she asked.
I nodded and smiled wider.
"Was it your first kiss?"
"My first real kiss, yeah." (I'd kissed the next door neighbor boy loads at age 5-10.)

Chris was the first person who ever touched me in a sexual way too. It made me uncomfortable at the time, but a little excited. I'm not sure anyone knows that.
All hell, however, was about to break loose.

My parents didn't want me seeing Chris as often as I was. They didn't get that he was the only person in my whole life who had ever made me feel beautiful. They didn't get that we had to work to see each other so our time was special. So one night, fed up, I told him to leave when they kicked him out, hide in the backyard, and I'd sneak him back in the house through a basement window. In my 15 year old mind this was the only option. We'd decided to be 'together.' That night went off without a hitch. He stayed til midnight, and left when I got tired. The insomnia wasn't crippling at that point, but still existed.
This happened a couple more times. But as all teenage plans go awry, soon, my sister and her friend Elizabeth caught us. I begged her not to tell. She was so pissed off at me. Mom suddenly got suspicious as we were all in the unfinished basement, where there was little entertainment. Carrie, for the only time ever, bless her heart for this once, covered for me. I didn't get caught.

She did however tattle on me the next week. When my parents found out they yelled at both of us. Said they could never trust me again. I don't believe they've ever really gotten over this. Chris and I after the verbal lashing, the grounding, the calling of his parents (who didn't care btw) and the tears couldn't make our little escapade last. He got interested in another girl, less drama than what had happened with me. He was gone by summer. My first broken heart. Never saw from or heard from him again.

For a long time this could be considered the worst I'd done. I wasn't sneaking him in for sex. More for companionship while I couldn't sleep. I wanted him around for validation I wasn't getting anywhere else, and wouldn't again until I met Josh at 17. But he was the most trouble I'd had with a boy. Until the next Chris. By that time sex WAS in the picture, making things much more complicated and messy. I wasn't a kid dealing with fledgling feelings, I was a woman dealing with a man's affairs and the most in love I've ever been. Oiy, I've spoken all about that.

Do I deserve to be with someone who treats me well? I don't get to say. I'm not in charge. I do however, have someone who treats me with respect, considers my feelings, and for all intensive purposes I know isn't cheating on me. We have things in common, and we haven't fought yet. There is none of the flaring passion caused by anger and mistrust as much as it is by love- But there is a lovely steady glow of ember that I am content to warm my heart by for as long as I'm allowed. I'm happy to say even though he's a Sagittarius (the ones I'm crazy about always are) he isn't a Chris. And that's probably a very good thing based on my past experiences with them.

Debate

2009-07-24T18:46:00.000-07:00

Listening to some rock Celtic music Bevin sent me over email ages ago, I haven't had a chance to get to. She always picks stuff I like, and I'm pretty sure it goes the same for her.
I'm at J's right now. I stayed here while he went to work today.

I haven't done that, except once when he had a break. and then I went home. I'm killing time til he gets back here, which should be in about ten minutes.

So I thought maybe I'd write about a memory.

When I was in the sixth grade, we had a teacher named Mrs. McNeal. She was crazy, dude. Bad makeup, unkempt red hair. She tried hard, poor thing, but so much that went on went over her head. That year was the hardest in my school career I believe.
That year though, would be my introduction to debate. She would introduce me. As we began to learn about the affirmative and negative sides to an argument I was engrossed. The topic that year nationally was wildlife conservation or something to do with wildlife. I can't remember precisely now. I wanted very much to be on the affirmative side, as you can only debate one when you're that young due to rules. I got what I wanted. I was teamed up with a boy from my class called Robin. I grew to have a crush on him, but I was already boy crazy at the time.
The only difference between now and then, is that now boys are kind of crazy about me too. Odd. Never in a million years growing up would have ever thought I'd say that.

So we worked diligently. I researched, and practiced, and when all was said and done, we were the "winners" of the whole class for the affirmative side. Mrs. McNeal sent us on to district. I loved the recognition. I loved that for once, I had worked so hard and it had gotten me something. At that point in my life, everything I put effort into seemed to fail me somehow.
District came and we rocked. Did really well again, and were sent to state. Won a little trophy. There's nothing past state for children that young in the program.

The next year I did the same, this time with a partner named Brandon. Being that we were in the seventh grade now, different rules applied and we had to make arguments for both the affirmative and the negative side. Even more work. Brandon wasn't as gung ho as Robin was at learning the information, and research. But he was good. Good enough to get us to district again, past a whole class of other debaters, this time only two teams went, and we were one.

The Friday before the Saturday of the competition I accidentally left the debate stuff in my locker. When Saturday rolled around, and went to get my stuff I didn't have it. My parents and I ran to the school quickly to get me into my locker to get my information, and we made it to the competition in the nick of time. I was frazzled. I wasn't ready.

Umm, I don't do stress well AT ALL. Having been diagnosed with PTSD as well years later, I break down in situations like that. Where I feel out of control, useless, stupid. It's not always related to replaying memories, and such. But the stress almost triggers memories, which sends me into an episode, if that makes sense.

Well, we did well at district even through the setback. We were sent to state, but the second time we weren't as on our game. The opponents were much harder. One girl spoke so fast you couldn't hear the arguments she was making. So they won. First nick. Second nick were these super smart Asian kids whose debate was based on something barely on topic so we couldn't fight with arguments related entirely. They should have lost on that fact, but the judges passed em. We didn't take state.

But I'm still proud of that small accomplishment. To this day the only thing I've worked that hard on gotten a reward from, personally, is music. I hope I can find something else as well.

Ahh, I've rediscovered Pandora. Damn I love it. Why do I forget about it except when I'm doing E for a playlist? Id discover all kinds of lovely music I bet. I'm tuned into the E.S Posthumous station which is amazing, and if you haven't heard of them you simply must. They move you. May I suggest the song Nara? :)

Ok, Johnny should be home any minute. I'm gunna go now. Stay well.

Jove

2009-07-22T09:12:00.000-07:00

And days of your wind
I was always right
And there was time to count the stars
Crashing down at night
I would hold you
Just like you were mine
and watch you slowly slip away
with the morning light

You were golden
you were on the rise
Burning with an urgency
I could not deny
Said the world was yours
And you were mine
Flew to meet your glory
And let me fall behind...

Don't you know?
I see it in your eyes
You can't let my gravity
Show
And pull you down tonight
I know that I'm getting through
I know that I'm killing you
Jove

And as the days grew long
I knew the sign
You could hang forever on
Nothing but the night
Formed an orbit
I can not decline
Sure of my disaster
But never more alive

Don't you know?
I see it in your eyes
You can't let my gravity
Show
And pull you down tonight
I know that I'm getting through
I know that I'm killing you
Jove

Don't you know?
I see it in your eyes
You can't let my gravity
Grow
And pull you down inside
I know that I'm getting through
Know that it's killing you
Know that you're coming true...
Jove...

Victim of the panel

2009-07-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the victims panel. I had a couple thoughts.

First of all when I got there I was wearing my Jager wrist band. I didn't realize it. I switched it out before the thing started. I didn't want to be completely downright disrespectful.

I was in tons of pain tonight going in. It was fairly obvious I think the way I was fidgeting in my chair and such. Sitting in that chair for an extended period of time made me realize how much pain I'm in at home, how many ibuprofen and such I take. Probably contributes to my drinking as well.

I was on edge going in to this. Just guard up. Don't fuck with me. I'm not gunna let this get to me that deeply, cuz I know your plan and I've prepared for it mentally. They made us sit in a small cluster even though there were tons of chairs. They pulled all the stops out on making it an intimate environment. (Well, for a jury selection room.) I smartly, chose the first row on the end. I didn't have anyone on my right side, which probably would have set me off into a claustrophobic episode, so my instincts led me well. They announced anyone displaying 'rude' body language would be kicked out. This of course, made me more hostile. I hate fucking people telling me what to do. Not to mention the books I've been reading lately are about body language. So then I got paranoid everyone in the room would interpret my pain as rudeness.

Eventually the first lady started talking. She got to me. She killed her daughter. Her story was pretty effective.
The second lady was effective in the sense that her son killed himself in a mess of 130pmh drunk into private property. She was listing all the bills, plus she got sued. Dude... If I ever did that to my Dad...

Anyway, my mood isn't bad currently. Not like it was yesterday where I was pissy and shit. But there was sort of a cloud driving home and such. I'm looking forward to seeing Johnny. I'm happy that this shit is done now. I'll do what I have to do to pay my dad back for the fines and shit, but no more schedule stuff. It's not hanging over me anymore. I just gotta stay out of trouble for another year.

Let's just cause the kind of trouble that doesn't get us arrested. And that's J texting. Mr Blue Eyes! Yay! I'm out!

Off Topic

2009-07-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

Mmm. I was gunna write about a good memory, but I'm in a roller coaster mood today, and up til and hour ago I was feeling downright bitchy. I'm ok now. I just smoked a cigarette. I'm not ok that my moods are now related to those cancer sticks though, and that I had to pay 7.25 for them. I have got to quit doing that.

In other news I am SO FRUSTRATED with my brain right now. Good lord. I can't remember any new information I put in my brain it seems, and I can't keep my attention on anything for longer than a couple seconds. Seriously. I'm embarrassed by it. I must come off as a complete ditz to people I'm just meeting. My brain isn't filling in the holes with stories or anything, but I think back to something someone has said earlier that day and it's fucking gone.
On top of this I run my words together when I'm completely sober. I put words in where they shouldn't be, and sometimes I have to pause to get my sentences right. The only time this doesn't happen, is when I'm writing. I don't think the same way when I'm writing.
Part of me thinks this is just a.d.d, but this hasn't happened like this ever. It's been progressively getting worse for the last two weeks. I remember what a.d.d was like. It wasn't really like this. I ...

Like THERE! I just got distracted from writing by thinking about, well, sex. That's another thing! I'm as bad as a teenage boy these days as well. It's not like I'm not getting enough either. I am! But it keeps popping up at the most weird times. I'll go so far as to say I don't think about anyone but my boyfriend these days (I wonder if that means I'm maturing) but I won't go into details. I wonder if I just write about sex and drugs in here if that's more exciting? I wonder if that would give the impression that my life is more exciting? Gah!

Anyway, yeah, I have to do something about this. Honestly.

As much as I think about it, I get offput by the guys that have just done the pressure with sex thing. I know tons of them that as soon as the option for that isn't there, they aren't interested in even being your friend. George was one, Simon for sure, even Alastair has been making noises that are making me a touch uncomfortable lately. This is weird to me too, because seven years ago I would have done anything to have him make noises at me like that. No I look at him like, huh? I know you're not interested in getting back with me, I'm certainly not interested in getting back with you. So what's the deal? Forbidden fruit shit? You can hug me hello and goodbye, but you know damn well that's where it ends. He called today asking if I'd go out. I turned him down. Motly cuz of the victims panel I have to do tomorrow, but partly because I was wondering what he was thinking. I don't want to think about it too much. I did say something to him last time. I think I am more hard on exs.

I don't know how it happened, but I got "high" off the ambien last night. Ive made the connection if I start feeling "high" on it before I zonk out, I do crazy shit. The only crazy thing I did yesterday though, was scatter my tarot cards and eat some comfort food. The "high" I put in quotations because you can't even tell it's a high. It's sort of a weird emotional comfort, yet sad and lonely feeling. So, it's sort of a jip. I'll take that amazing calm on Xanax over it anyday.
I miss Xanax. I've thought about writing a poem about it. That's how much I love it. But no more til fall.

Ok better log off now. I'll be more positive in the next entry, and less introspective.

Without J, a night away

2009-07-19T23:24:00.001-07:00

Night away from Johnny.

Another odd realization Thursday night- For the first time, now that I'm used to it, now that I'm there pretty much every other night- I'm sleeping more through the night. Not better necessarily, but I don't wake up as much. Also, when he goes to bed, I'd say 85% of the time now, I fall asleep soon after he does.
Ok, this says a couple things to me. One, that perhaps a small percentage of my falling asleep issues deals with being alone. Not just alone actually, being insecure in myself, and in the person I'm sleeping next to. I like sleeping next to him. Weird weird weird. Can't stress this enough as it's never happened before. However, it's only a small percentage as the sleep study has said there's evidence of physical stuff going on, as the doctors have agreed. All the bullshit. But he makes it easier.
Anyway Thursday I was laying around, and dammit, for the first time at night I really missed him. Wished I were there. It wasn't a concept. It was real. Graduating, it seems, into a new phase.

I'm gunna keep going on other observations as this is my blog, and if I bore you with all the J talk, you can tune out. Leave me a comment that says you're sick of it and I'll change topics for a blog or two. Heh.

We had our first conversation as what I would call 'friends' Wed night. We started talking at the first bar and he brought up an ex of his. I've been careful not to bring up this topic. I can tell from his lyrics, his lack of communication on the topic, and a few other factors that he has been fucked over royally by chicks. I've tried to be sensitive to this fact. But he brought it up so we gabbed about it for awhile. Then we switched to music, at our second stop. We were motormouths sharing stories about meeting idols, and how Muse is hit or miss, and a lot of other shit. I was happy. It continued through the night.

Thursday he was mentioning how his hair was too long and he wanted it cut and such. So I offered to help while I was there, and he took me up on it. It's the first time I cut a human head, normally I do dogs. After that I left. I loved his hair before. But since he's cut it I have my hand on his head all the time, scratching it, trying to make it feel good. :) He's a very good looking boy.

Last night we went and saw Bruno. It was our first "date" as a date, and not just hanging at a bar. Which have all been really fun, but it's different for us. This week, seeing him Sunday, Tues-Thurs and Sat into today (god that feels like ages ago right now) that is crazy beautiful to me. We had a friend like conversation, and a real date. This week we've made leaps and bounds into more of a normal thing. I like it. More than I thought I would.

I switched up my hair. Chopped it off. Dyed it back to my fav red again. It's unlike a red I've ever dyed it though. I've gotten lots of compliments on it, but I'm keeping it under wraps for right now. Just for now. Pics on my other sites later. I'm unsure why I'm doing this. But I am.

Found out about 2 tours I'm super excited for. Moby and Levi Weaver.

I'm ready to go lay down now I think. Perhaps my next entry will be another memory of mine. Maybe I'll try for a good one. Here's a mental list as a reminder for me later.

State Debate, Britney Spears cover, Beach days with Dad, Freaknight 08, Florida, Some of the others I've written about I think. My birthday this year is one. :) Rolling the first time with Chris. Getting Mufasa. Getting my little Maxy. Cooking well for the first time. Losing weight the healthy way. Hearing my first song ever recorded on my stereo. Getting the letter about the jingle work. Getting the callback for the girl group. Getting the promotion at Camel.

I even want to write a blog about the good memories with Chris eventually, because everything that pops to mind immediately when it comes to him is negative. I don't want to remember someone I once referred to as the love of my life that way. Someone I wanted to marry that way. When he was with you he made you feel the world was wonderful. You were special. In love.
Now he's dead in my mind. Wow, it feels so distant right now... I can't believe it feels that way. I never thought it would...

Ok continued in my next.

PS- Thanks for the email Syd! Sorry I didn't get it til after the show! I feel so bad! However there's another show on Thursday this week if you're free. Get back to me here, or over email. :) You rock.

PS- Shane, hope you're doing ok. Think about you often.

PS- Nikitta I haven't heard from you in ages. You alive? I am seriously worried about you.

Thoughts after night terror

2009-07-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

I'm at Johnny's. It's 11:30 am. Not 5. Not 7. That means I've slept with only a couple interruptions that I was able to go back to sleep for, and get up 7 hours later.

Holy shit.

That's never happened with a guy I've spent the night with. (all 4 of them.) Ever. Granted the ambien helps...

I'm also shocked as hell I haven't done anything insane while on ambien here. I haven't even taken more than one pill round him.

I've slept with more guys than I care to count. I think that sleeping next to someone is deeper still. That's why it hasn't happened often. Alastair, Mason, Chris, and Johnny.

This makes me ponder. Why did it happen so early with J? Why did I trust him, and that part in me to start being next to him? That is completely unlike me. Alastair was done out of necessity at first, because I couldn't catch the ferry back to the island after seeing him.
Mason had insomnia too, rivaling mine. However, I believe his was due to crack and not health shit. We didn't sleep a whole lot together, but laid around keeping each other company through the night.

Here's another tidbit I realize I've never told anyone... When the rape at the party happened, it was 2 days before Mase and I got together. When I started having morning sickness, I'd occasionally wake him up to go puke. He never said anything about it. I wonder if he knew what was up, and just hoped it wasn't his. It wouldn't have been. We were nazis about condoms. He because of his schizophrenic paranoia, and me because at that point in time I was scared straight.

Sleeping next to Chris until the last 3 months we were together was incredibly rare. He couldn't stat at my place because of his wife at home. I couldn't stay at his for that reason, and his bed wouldn't allow for it.

I think maybe that's why it was hard at the end of it all... The last 3 months we were practically living together. I'd let him take my car to work, he'd come home, we'd eat. Talk, normal everyday boring shit. Cept it wasn't boring. It was beautiful. Then he'd go to sleep and I'd watch tv til morning when he'd get up, and I'd then get a couple of hours in. There was no cocaine at the end. No running off to be anywhere he couldn't tell me. I didn't trust him mind you, but I think he was really trying to be a better man at the end. It couldn't last. I went to Portland. He went to Jaecee.

The other thing I suppose to include in this entry is I had a night terror last night. A real live fucking woke me up shaking and shit night terror. The image itself was retarded. But it was a presence in my dream that surprised me, from the direction it came and such.
I made sure I was touching J a little for the rest of the night. Also fucking rare.
I went right back to slep though.

After bombarding you with the last entry, I figured I'll keep this one short. J's awake now anyway and I need a soda or something.

Sweet sleep to all of you.

Petey

2009-07-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

As often is the case, I read something of Shane's and it inspires a memory of mine, or something to blog about. So today, before I lay down again, I'll write of Petey.

When I moved into the Hidden Valley Bluff neighborhood of Salt Lake City Utah when I was ten, I didn't realize this was going to be the hardest period in my life. I had loved living in Oregon, and was sad to leave my friends and such. However, I was moving closer to my grandparents who were my favorite people in the world at that time. It seemed like It'd be ok.
The neighborhood was perfect suburbia for raising children. So much so we had polygamists living just down the street. My mom bought into that perfect neighborhood crap, and that's where we ended up. Over time I got to know the kids in the neighborhood. All of them boys, which suited me fine as I was already carving out a tentative persona as a tomboy. I began rollerblading everyday for hours. The boys in the neighborhood all skateboarded. Ricky I had a major crush on, but there was also Luke, Brett, Tim, Mike T, Mike N, Caleb, Scott, and others I'm forgetting now. Most importantly of this ragtag group of boys was Michael Peters.

Michael wasn't cool. He looked a little different, and he was sort of spastic. I liked him though. We all hung out together, when they weren't making fun of me, and though Michael wouldn't stick up for me, when he was around they sort of let me be, without the usual ribbing.
In school I soon became an undesirable, as I wasn't Mormon. I wasn't allowed to play with most of the kids. The girls didn't like me because I wasn't into girlie things, and didn't like the click attitude even at that age. I didn't buy into it.
I had been really "popular" at the school in Oregon. I'd won 'most friendly' awards and such, and 'student of the month' a number of times. At my new school I was a leper. So I began to read a lot more than I had before to occupy my mind and time. I slowly grew into a geeky persona, watching Star Trek with my Dad when he was home from traveling, and reading anything I could get my hands on. My glasses didn't help. I thought writing music could save me, but when I scored in the 98th percentile on my sat's my fate was sealed, as they made an announcement about it. I was a smart, socially awkward, nonmormon tomboy.

Michael apparently liked me just the way I was.

We all switched into middle school, and my reputation hadn't changed. I'd just become depressed on top of it too. My life at school was shit as I was getting teased every day, and my life at home was shit because my mom made it impossible. But I'd escape to the parking lot of ward near our house with my walkman blaring, and skate til I couldn't breathe anymore. Michael was tracking me down outside more and more.

One day, probably in August, the boys skated up to me while I was working on a 180 off a ramp.
"Do you like Petey?" They asked. I stopped and put my head between my legs. "Sure, he's nice enough."
"Well, he really likes you, he wants to ask you out." I looked up still out of breath.
"Well if he wants to ask me out, he needs to be a man about it and come ask me himself."
A round of oooooooooooo's went up, then laughter, and they skated off towards where he was hanging on the other side of the parking lot. I went back to my Britney Spears song and circled the lot again, preparing for the next jump. I was going to impress Ricky if it killed me.
Soon Michael Peters, Petey, walked over to me.
"So, uuuuh, you wanna go out with me?"
I thought about it, probably for too long. I'd 'gone out' with boys before. None that I really fancied. The ones that I liked never liked me back. It had been a couple months since I had 'dated' annyone, so I said "sure." Thinking in my 12 year old mind that it would probably make him happy and not hurt me.
He ran back to his friends screaming "guys! she said YEEEEEEEESSSSS!"

For the next two months we wrote notes to each other, and held hands. That's, of course, the extent of going out in middle school.
Pretty soon the first dance rolled around. The Halloween dance. Michael asked me to go, and I said yes. It was fitting. I don't remember what I wore exactly, but he wore the costume from "Scream." We spent the dance with our little group of friends, and finally after it ended he offered to walk me home.

As we walked we talked, and then there was the moment... Where I looked at my hand in his as we were walking, and I crushed on him back. I will always remember that walk home. Before Halloween. The best memory I have of him.

Sometime in December though, I got bored. He wasn't paying enough attention to me, and I was just discovering the joys of flirting and being a silly teenage girl.
So I broke up with him. I don't remember how, or details but I hope I was tactful.
Christmas break was spent mostly indoors, on the phone I'm sure. But I believe he stopped by once to give me a Christmas present.

January 12th he called and asked if he could come over. I said sure. So we talked for awhile, and hung out. When it was time for him to go he looked at me, with a look I'll never forget and said "can't we just go out again?" I wish I could have known then. I would have said something different. I don't know...
Anyway I responded with "I don't know. Let me think about it." I didn't honestly have any real intention of getting together again. But I didn't know how to answer, and I didn't want to just then. I feel like an asshole.

January 13th the phone rings at my house.It's Petey's brother Brett. They haven't seen Michael since he left for our place yesterday. Did he leave? Where did he go? My sister spoke to him. I was getting ready to meet up at a skating rink (my whole life wasn't it practically?) with my friends Laura and Megan.

Two hours into our skating session, I saw my mom at the doorway. My mom never walked into the rink. she hated it. I knew it was serious. I skated over to her and asked what was wrong. She said let's go home and we'll talk. Get your friends. I said no, mom, you're scaring me. What's wrong. She looked me in the eyes and said "Katie, Michael Peters is dead."

I just looked at her.

Laura skated over just then and asked what was up. I looked at her and said "Michael's dead."
She burst into a sobbing fit on my shoulder just then. I couldn't cry yet.

When I got to the car the tears began. I felt serious mourning for the first time in my life. It rocked my world to the core, and I truly believe this was one of the defining experiences of my life.

Michael had been in the gully where we had all played. There was a rope that swung. I was told it was an accident by my mother. I've come to believe now it was not. The timing... The circumstances... I mean, it's pretty hard to get a rope caught round your neck accidentally like that, isn't it? Maybe I wanted to lie to myself. I'm sure I contributed to his mental state. I am forever shaded by this...

There was an open casket. My first friend I saw in that state. He didn't even look the same. What is it about dead bodies? Why do they look so different, even though they don't? It's so weird. Haunting.

Hmm, I've begun crying as I'm written this. I apparently haven't worked through this all yet...

Luke whispered to me, before I went to see the body "you can still see the rope marks in his neck."

You could too. I wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't said anything.

I left them there, as they went to the gravesite. I went home. I went to my room. In my ignorance, I cried. I cried for years after when I thought about it. I had dreams where he'd visit me, and wake up to find it was a cruel trick. Those have stopped now though.

Now my friends pass on, almost in regular fashion. Suicide, cancer, accidents... It never gets easier, but it's never quite the shock Petey's death was.

I miss my friend. And I apologize to him. I hope he knows my truest feelings in my heart. It's never fully mended.

ill

2009-07-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

Holy shit did I wake up sick today. I actually cried a little. It was that bad. I'm no pussy either. I'm making myself a potato, which is you know, not good for my diet exactly, but much needed comfort food as I am just... Not even well. I was up for a long while this morning not sleeping.

I spent the night at Blue Eyes', he was incredibly sweet and rubbed my back for a minute this morning. That actually helped quite a bit for a little while.

Now I'm waiting for my ambien to kick in so I can sleep off a little of this illness, hopefully.

I have new bruises on my body. I'm not sure from what again. I wasn't doing anything to cause them. So, sigh, that means it's time for another doctor's visit. It's possible all the ibuprofen has something to do with it, actually though I can't remember the explanation I was given. I've taken 2000 milligrams today alone. I'll have to switch to Tylenol. (One is processed through the liver, and one the kidneys. I've been told I have to switch off because it will ruin them with as much as I'm to take.)

I haven't been listening to anything but upbeat music for awhile now, but driving home from Seattle I tossed on some of my fav sad and slower songs, as my vibe was well, sick, and in no mood for The Dreaming, AAR, or Korn. I hate to say it, but not even in the mood for The Rasmus. I'm not depressed mind you. I just need something to pacify me for now. I have to say it was nice to hear them again.

I puked the other morning too. I guess I'm just going through a rough patch health wise.

I wish I had Xanax.

I'm fading so it's bed time. I'll write more later. Take care.

Should be readying...

2009-07-10T21:36:00.000-07:00

So I'm trying to get out the door to go get Michael, to head out for karaoke but I gots shit on my mind I want to write out before I go, or my thoughts will keep spinning and I'll have a huge entry later.

1. I wish I had spoken to a casual drug user, and addict before I ever tried drugs. In real terms. About what effects they had after the fact, and about what they have during and such. Not the d.a.r.e shit they teach you in school.

I wish I had known how long I'd keep doing harmful stuff with it just to keep someone around because some days they loved it more than me.

I know because I am always trying to perfect experience I would've done them anyway.

When I think about the definitions of what *I* believe to be signs I'd be addicted to something, not in general terms, I suppose I wasn't. I never did it alone. I never spent all my money on it. Hell, I could never be an addict anyway, I couldn't afford it. When I felt it was becoming a problem I quit doing it on a regular basis. Last time I fucking did coke in May the thought occurred to me that that could be my last time, and I wouldn't really care. The driving home after was a nightmare.

So I drink kind of much. But I don't think I'm an alcoholic either. The physical stuff isn't there, and my last REALLY nasty hangover was when the night Simon and I ended up at Chapel. The next day I was quite sick, but by evening was excited to see him again so I quit puking and went. That was what, January? Can't remember exactly. I would've had one that Friday after the Spine and Michael Jackson tribute, cept I tossed the poison out the night before, so the next day I didn't have to deal with it.

2. There was a time I wasn't thinking about Chris all that much. That was from thinking about him everyday and feeling that twinge of pain, occasionally gut wrenching pain for the first couple months I was here. Then it tapered off. Now I'm thinking about him at least once a day again and curious as to why. Perhaps it's because there was no closure. Or I keep trying to analyze every shred of things in that relationship so I don't do the same shit with Johnny. I think about Johnny all the freaking time. It's unreal.

I believe I have 7 friends of Chris' and I mutually on facebook, I'm still in contact with regularly. I wonder if some of it has to do with the bonding we did on X, as most if not all of his friends enjoy the love drug. I see that crew every time I'm back in SLC more or less.
I have 4 friends of Johnny's. (I think.) No maybe more... I don't keep a regular repertoire with any of them but Amber though, I'd like to be closer to Gar.

I was pondering how my boyfriends friends cross pollinate while mine generally don't. I suppose that's true with any crew I hook up with though. Like with Ian's close friends. Those were my best friends before I left SLC, and now I hardly speak with them. But Ian never really got close with mine either. He was never a boyfriend, obviously lol. (Well, my gay boyfriend I'd die for! lol.) Just thoughts.

3. I hope someday I can find someone who understands crime, and can talk theory and debate ideas with me on it. Psychology or otherwise. I'd sure like that knowledge not to sit in the attic forever. Maybe I should just join an antisocial personality disorder forum, cept then I'd have to actually talk to people with it, and that's dangerous without proper training. I'm no pro yet.

4. 12 is too early to audition for a band. They're mostly on unemployment right now for a good reason. They should know better. Tsk tsk.

5. Michael tonight, Possible band mates, Katie and Johnny tomorrow, Amber Sunday, Frank Monday. I'm a social creature. I sometimes think having my Gemini in north node means I'm meant to be the communicator for people, and not just in work.

6. Chatty Kathy (whose real name Ive forgotten) stopped by with her daughter with perfect timing to ruin my workout this afternoon. Sigh. She can't take a hint. I hate to be an asshole, but she is probably the most unfortunate looking woman I've ever met. Anyway she asks me for money, then beer, then when I say I gotta go she fucking KEEPS TALKING. How long do I have to be nice at that? You can tell by the expression on my face that I've tuned out I'm sure. I can get pretty vacant looking. Her daughter thinks I'M crazy. Hah. I have enthusiasm. Gusto. I am not fucking crazy. After she stopped by I was no longer in the mood to do cardio. I came back in to talk to Johnny for a good 30 minutes. I will try again Sunday night I s'pose.

7. I need to go. Michael is waiting on me, and I'm just too damn comfy on this couch to get ready. Procrastination is a horrible habit of mine.

8. Before I go, I'm in a very happy place with Johnny. :)

9. I'll write more later tonight no doubt.

10. FUCK OFF KATE! YOU'RE DONE!

O stupidity and the flux

2009-07-08T18:44:00.001-07:00

Yesterday started late again. I didn't get to sleep until ten am. Then I woke up round 5:45 in the evening. I wasn't as sluggish as the day before, but my body was screaming at me. The headache behind my eyes wasn't being kind. But as I drug my ass to the kitchen my Dad looked up concerned. He knows when I start waking up in the evenings its a bad sign. The only time it's happened when I wasn't sick or getting sick was when I was doing blow. He doesn't know about that however.
I had made plans with Amber, so I popped some ibuprofen and hopped in the shower. When I got out Dad asked how things with Johnny were going. I said they were better than before, but I was concerned about his actual feelings for me. I sat down by his leg and we talked for a few minutes. I said Johnny had made some noises about being ok with meeting him. He said to make sure J and I were stable before that. He also said some guys just have a hard time saying I love you. I thought about that. He says I love you just fine. Something I hadn't mentioned to anyone before though, was that he always looked away or blinked or something.
Well, I got a book I've been reading on body language and some of it seems kind of like, whatever. But some of it is definitely right on. Parts about eye contact, lying, and attraction seem to be fairly accurate. J never once looked me in the eyes when he said it. It bothered me. Though his body language says he's attracted to me heh.

So I left the house feeling a little sick, considering what my Dad had said and considering what my friend Thomas had said. Thomas is someone I am fond of, but we've never met. He is in Japan deported from the army, but he's from WA normally. We began speaking in January and sort of was on and off, til we exchanged facebooks and now we speak pretty much everyday. Anyway, we talked most of the morning, partly contributing to my later bedtime. We spoke of many things. But he gave me wise advice on my situation (everyone has heh you think I'd be over it by now!) and let me know officially he was quote "in crush" with me, and if J and I ever broke up he'd pursue me, but was a gentleman about it. Very sweet.

So I get to Amber's and my headspace is a little fuzzy. I'm going back and forth almost by the minute thinking about Johnny. Same old shit. Except I've got my defenses up. Contributing to this particular headspace is the fact that I have court the next day for neglecting something on my probation. I'm more concerned about getting up on time than actually what will happen in court. So I'm just edgy, and Johnny hasn't texted all day. We're supposed to have plans around 10, but I'm not sure if they are in stone, not having heard from him. So I begin playing around with her keyboard, and recording equipment. She read me some lyrics and we talked.
When we made some nachos for dinner the topic turned to Johnny and I.
She told me of the conversation they had had before Johnny made the decision to be with me. No fire, no passion. No she's amazing! I really don't want to lose her! His exact words apparently were "I'm going to give it an honest try."

He conceded to be with me.

At that point my defenses went way up. Still thinking of him as a concept I was trying not to care. Knowing I wouldn't break up with him that night or anything, but seriously, seriously doubting he was in love with me. And knowing for my own sanity I'd have to end it soon because otherwise I'd just feel more for him and get much more hurt. Dammit, why I didn't repeat this to myself more often when we were just dating I don't know. The more I feel the harder I hurt.
J finally texted around 10:30 and I left Amber's at 11 for his place.

He looked so God damn good when I got there. His hair is naturally a little curly, and I hadn't seen it like that. He was wearing a shirt we nicknamed 'smeagel.' He has the most beautiful long eyelashes, and lovely blue eyes. (obviously, heh, if you've been reading this far you know that.) It was absolutely breath taking to behold. The way the hair framed his face and stuff.
God, I didn't want to stare, but I wanted to breathe him in and enjoy every second that moment.
I couldn't enjoy it fully as anxiety was eating me. All I could think besides how fucking gorgeous he was, was that I needed a drink. It was the only thing that was gunna calm me down. I realize that this is a sign of alcoholism, when you drink to manage emotions... But it's only happened twice before I think. I wondered if I should tell him what was going on the next day with court and such. I decided no, I was a big girl. I'd handle that burden myself. The only person I've come right out and told face to face was my Dad. Amber read about it in here, so I gave her the details. But I don't have the balls to speak out on this.

Johnny soon offered me wine (thank god he thinks of this stuff before) and I drank the first glass quickly. Umm, I can down wine pretty quickly when I'm in a non sipping mood. Just enough to get me out of my head a little, and less anxious. Then I told him about the band I'm auditioning for Saturday.

(I realize I've neglected to mention this in here. I quit/was fired from my old band after spending 6 months dicking around with no shows, and putting up with minimal participation with me. Got sick of it, skipped a practice, was sacked. Started looking for a new project a couple days ago following what I really want to do: rock/metal. No more classic rock. Landed an audition, seeing what happens...)

We watched our fav show collectively. (Mine is House, his is Star Trek separately, but we always watch King of the Hill together.) We talked back and forth, meanwhile I'm just basking in being near him. In my head repeatedly thinking 'I am ok here. Nothing bad can happen to me here. It's only when I leave.'
I looked at him then and said I love you. And for the first time ever he looked me in the eyes, smiled and said it back. I feel the blood rishing through me. I'm in love at that moment again.

This is where the flux swings again. Back and forth with this boy. I KNOW it's not all me, but I think part of it is. I think Amber was right in saying maybe I just need to be shown love differently. If I think about it, really all I have to offer someone is the time I have left, and my affection. I suppose I can write them songs, or do small favors, but I'm not much to sneeze at when it comes to what I can give a man. How I would like to be feel it back though are simple things, I suppose. Texts every once in awhile, and spontaneous physical affection without being prompted. Hard to get the second one accomplished though, as I'm pretty prone to be sitting in close range generally speaking. Unless of course, I'm sleeping or trying to, then don't fucking touch me. I hate that it's like that, but I can't sleep AT ALL if it's any other way.

The rest of the night went by quickly looking back, until he crawled into bed where I laid next to him for a minute, and somehow he brought up the fact that he had been mugged once. I had no idea that this had ever happened. I told him that was scary, and I understood what that was like sort of. Which lead me into deciding to share my story of Megan's party, that asshole "Tim," the rape, and subsequent abortion. So, he has a piece of my darkness now. It's silly I keep things from him. I don't intentionally, there's just no reason to bring it up. The only reason Chris EVER knew all of my shit was because coke makes you talk like crazy, hell, makes you crazy period. But with Johnny I still treat this like glass. I don't want to break it. Get serious. Spill my guts in that fashion. (That's what this is for heh.)

After talking he asked why I had to leave and I sighed and said something like 'guess I'm gunna share all kinds of shit with you tonight.' I took a deep breath, and shared my foray into stupidity, and the only time I've ever been caught for seriously breaking the law, even if it was BARELY, and even because I was only knicked for not wearing my seatbelt. Fuck dude. When I was done I looked at him and he said 'isn't that something you should tell your boyfriend?'

Boyfriend. What an odd concept.
Boyfriends are long distance people you have feelings for, that eventually betray you by cheating on you. Boyfriends are placemarkers. Boyfriends leave you the second you go through something, even though you've asked them to stay. Boyfriends sometimes steal your keys so you can't leave and shove you around.
Johnny redifines this whole thing. Very, very weird. Still doesn't feel real. He's so much better than all that. Even if he hasn't quite learned all the shit that makes me feel secure, it's a thousand times better than what I've had. Something I hoped for. He doesn't have the charm or charisma Chris had, but there is real substance to him. He isn't a lie. He doesn't fill in my insecurities with lies, and honestly, I like that. I'd rather have them then to be pacified with something fake.

Yes, this is something a boyfriend should know. More to the point, something anyone who thinks they can love me should know. Stuff that will come out in it's own natural course, not searching for stupid topics to connect on while high. I'm getting to the point I want him to know that shit. For once I find solace in the fact I don't think it will scare him off. And more to it, he won't tell his friends as a way to garner sympathy for himself. Damn, respect is a good thing.

I headed home, begrudgingly, knowing I had to be up for court. As I was driving I reached for my phone to set the alarm. Holy shit, I'd left my phone. Johnny was sleeping and I had no way to get it back. We have no clocks in our house due to my insomnia, so this means no alarms. I quickly went through all my options in my head and decided to figure out how to use the computer. Amber was still up and helped me through that, the love, (bless her heart!) and finally after messing with it got it settled. I took my ambien. First night I had my lovely white pills in 3 weeks.

I wrote on facebook, started feeling like reaching for my phone which I know to be a sign that im slipping into ambien zone. My phone of course was at J's. I laid down. I had the thought that maybe cutting would release endorphins and make me sleep faster. I told myself this was insane and the ambien talking. When I came to a little while later though, my arm had angry new marks on it. Dammit! This isn't fair! I don't even use my arms anymore! I wasn't angry or sad or anything when I did that! Now they're there, and I have to explain them if anyone sees them. I don't want to count this as an episode as it wasn't really. I don't think anyone would believe me if I said I had an ambien coma, and managed to do it whilst out. Unless of course, you've witnessed someone first hand in an ambien coma. In that case you may believe me. O STUPIDITY!

This entry is horribly long so to keep you in suspense I'll write about court in my next. :) Be careful kids. With all the drugs.

Drinks for Friends

2009-07-06T06:22:00.000-07:00

As I opened my eyes moment ago, I could hear my brain going no! no! no! no! FUCK. We're awake again. After only 3 hours. *sigh* Might as well blog.

I am building up to a whirlwind of something. I started feeling impulsive yesterday again, for no proper reason. I got home after a 24 hour period with Johnny. Towards the end I was edgy from feeling dirty, too hot, and just well, needing to get out of his apartment. He lives in a top apartment in his building, and the temperature I would wager is at least 10- 15 degrees hotter than what it is outside with no air conditioning. I wouldn't be surprised if it was over 90 in there at some points. He has a couple fans set up but I was mostly praying for night to roll around again, so it would cool down a bit. Which means I wasn't appreciating what I had, because something else was on my mind. *Sigh* I broke one of my rules again.

So I called up my good friend Michael when I got home, after my plans with Amber were rescheduled. He asked if we could go out. I said sure! I needed the company, and I enjoy talking to him, and it sounded like my best option for the evening. I promised myself I wouldn't drink til midnight, and could only have one at that, because I want to have a little money left. So I picked him up and we began talking about this girl that he's in love with, that is TOTALLY not good enough for him. We grabbed a table near the front and sat with the bar owner chatting for a bit, and getting a couple songs in. I declared it a practice night and did songs that I haven't done before karaoke. Hoobastank, Foo Fighters, Robyn, a couple others.
At ten minutes to midnight I bought my first vodka sunrise and sat back down sipping gingerly, appreciating the drink. While I was drinking, Michael looked at me and said 'there are you next bachelors' as two rough and tattered men sat down near us. They were obviously in construction or something, and missing teeth. I sort of lifted an eyebrow and said 'yeah?' and smiled. Michael has been around me enough to know that I'm pretty decent at that game...
So eventually, one of them wanders over to me, and begins to talk. I'm cordial. One of the lines out of his mouth is 'you look like my daughter' at which point I look at him and say 'that's a new one. Yeah. Ok.' He asks if I want to dance, and I politely decline. His friend he sat with asks what I'm drinking and wanders off to get drinks. Heh. These guys were pretty wasted as it were. Soon one of them put his knees on the bar stool and started shaking his ass. Poor Michael's head was about level with it, and it was pretty comical. At this point he finally asks me if I have a boyfriend, at which point I smile and say 'yeah' and he can tell by the look on my face I like whoever it is on my mind. He says why isn't he around? I say he's in Seattle, and then he says 'well if you were my girlfriend I'd never want to leave your side.' I say something like, aww that's sweet. And start it on my next drink.

I wonder if these guys know that there's no way I'd jeopardize what I have with Johnny, even through my insecurities about time and such? Johnny is really good looking. He knows it. He has tons of talent and the world at his feet. This poor guy had seen better days. I suppose there's no way he could know without seeing or meeting J, but at the same time there was no way we were in the same league. Sorry to sound vain. I suppose there is something to be said for being lonely, and seeking out someone for conversation.

Anyway, soon Michael starts interacting with us, and I say something about Michael not having a drink, and the dude goes over to buy Michael one. I thought that was noble/cute/funny. I get my male friends drinks from men that are trying to take me home. Hah! It's not the first time it's happened...
So anywayI had a few on the two mates then I ran into Joe, whom I met on his 21st birthday on Dec 22 and did his blowjob shot for him. As I way of saying thanks he bought me a blueberry kamikaze and down the hatch it went.

Point of this pointless entry is I drank enough to be sleepy, so I came home, made some lean cuisine and passed out for three hours. I found the night humerous. Which was good after feeling before like I should dissapear for three days.

I get pills tomorrow thank GOD because my schedule is fucked right now. I'm not in bed til 8 or 9 naturally now, and since I have to be up Wednesday I gotta go to bed earlier Tuesday.

Which is where I'm headed again now, cuz the Benadryl is working. Yay!

Meditation (And deep shit)

2009-07-05T05:05:00.001-07:00

So I tossed on "Live Forever" by Moby tonight to lay to, to try and sleep. This is a major meditation song for me. It sounds like life. The process of life and death.
When I meditate I do so in a spiritual way.

I am almost constantly in pain when I try to go down for sleep. I focus on every ache in my body. My leg, my head, my insides. Then as soon as I've done this, I imagine pushing them all away. When I've blackened my mind from the pain, I imagine myself in the ICU room I woke up in last. I imagine opening my eyes and seeing the white orange light. Finally all I focus on is the color of the light. As I make the light go whiter I begin to imagine the house on 17th. My grandparents house where all my happiest memories are. I can see myself in the house again. I'm the most perfect version of myself. My hair long and brown in a way I can never get it in real life. My hips set to their right position. No more acne. Perfect weight- just under 120. I imagine I'm happy the house still engulfed in this white orange light. I wait here til I've absorbed some peace of mind from this mix of memory and imagination. Then I imagine a white blue light coming in through the front window. I move into the light and into the universe. I see stars and pass as quickly as need be til I finally come to rest at a comforting library scene in front of a fireplace where I am greeted by Ethelia, my spirit guide. I sometimes feel like crying, even though I don't. I want to tell her how hard this life was. Why everyone left. Why no one really understood how much I loved them because it seems everyone I love is burdened by me too. She listens. And I imagine hearing her talk, comforting me. Informing me gently of my mistakes and asking why I got lost in some places. I don't really know. She tells me why abandonment played such a key role in this existence. (I don't improvise here. I don't know that answer yet.) I am relieved to hear these things. When I've played this out in my mind I try hard to focus only on blackness and whatever I'm listening to.

Tonight as I played this out, I was laying next to J. I opened my eyes for a moment, and fucking tears came to them. Two tears. The though that dragged them there was simply that in a flash he'll be a memory too. For whatever reason. He'll never know how much I feel for him. And that it's fucked up someone I feel that much for I can't imagine staying in my life forever. Even years don't register as real, because the three I had with Chris went by so quickly. I can't fucking get those back. That feeling back. Not in the exact same way. I can already see how quickly the 5 months with J have gone by. The only person I felt might stay in my life was Josh. Josh IS still in my life, because of Bevin. But not in the way I imagined. Josh hurts to my core to think about because of some shit he's said about me. I loved him more than anyone in the world at one point. He thinks I'm too... what's the word... Appeasing or something. That I try to make everyone happy. That I say things I don't know about or agree with to keep the peace.
Part of this is true.
Jesus though, I used to be so fucking depressed all the time! I was so negative! Every little thing would make me self injure, and I don't know how anyone was able to remain in my life through those times. I was so fucking angry because I couldn't face what my Mom had done. What the assault in the park had done. And no one validated or believed me. When I'd warn people that I was getting to the point of hurting myself, they'd egg me on sometimes. Then I'd cover the marks up, and it was all some big fucking charade or something. I wanted people to see they had hurt me so, but I never actually showed them because of the shame. This became less frequent as the years went by, but it would still occur.

When I moved back to Seattle, I swear to God, the SECOND I saw the Space Needle I rolled down the window and breathed in the air I knew I wasn't going to be the same. Something in me fundamentally changed in that exact moment. My attitude flipped. I became positive. I looked for the bright things. I became agreeable and lost that whole 'fuck you!' thing I'd been doing for so long. The anger wasn't ever present. I became, well, agreeable. I told myself it wasn't healthy to look for love yet, even though I knew somewhere I longed for it. I found the karaoke joint right away, and began meeting people. I dated and seriously crushed on Frank, Taylor, and Aaron. (Oh God, Aaron! Fucking virgins!) But went into it with the mindset of I wasn't looking. I didn't need it. So the crushes went by, and time went on.

Meanwhile people are noticing a difference. My family right away wondered what had gotten into me. I wasn't trying to fight everyone all the time. I was listening to advice. I was... Happy! I was accepting my past rather than questioning it. This was a turn around from the girl Josh dated. So maybe he sees this as becoming "fake" or something. Either way, I'd rather feel as I do now. (Ahem, only two major S.I incidents in a year! 2 Minor. Just FYI.)

Then I met the man of my dreams. (Cheesy, gimme a sec though!) A musician, dark hair, funny, quirky, a little geeky, someone I could go out with, get drunk with, do X with, support, someone who could cook, someone who would watch trash tv instead of sports, someone good in the sack, someone who had a pet, fav food is sushi, someone not religious, blah blah blah... Fuck! He had it ALL! I went to that first show hoping for sparks, and ended up not sleeping with him on night one because I didn't want to be chalked up to a one night stand with this one. Let's be honest here (as I've promised to be in every blog) I'm not exactly a stranger to hooking up on first dates. I have Borderline. So this wasn't unusual per say, but in a sense yes because I found him so god damn desirable. Saying no was hard, but not that hard. I knew I'd sparked an interest, and if nothing else I'd catch another show.

So soon I began falling harder than just a passing fancy, yet I played the game exactly as I was told by "Tough Love." Jump to today here we are. Together. And it still doesn't feel real. I don't feel like he's really mine.

For me being in love is weird. I have moments where I'm in love. Some harder than others. Sometimes when I'm around him, and sometimes when I'm just thinking about him. Sometimes I truly think I'm fucked up. But eventually the moments spread to nearly all the time, then every moment. The moments are spreading. When I think about J, a lot of times it's J as a concept. And it's easy to separate that from how I feel. But I imagine his face, and that changes it from concept to feeling. When I'm away from people I have a hard time feeling connected to them. This was something I was working through with the only therapist who ever fucking got me, Lisa. But then I moved and she stayed in Utah. I haven't turned to therapy here, cuz I haven't felt I needed it. But when I'm away, and he's with Amber (no hating on Amber this shit isn't her fault) I feel disconnected, and want to make another connection. I feel like he's not thinking about me, when sometimes he is. I know because he'll text unexpectedly, or do something nice like buy cheese even though he can't eat it. It's not fair for me to speculate, even though I do. But I'm not a mind reader.

It's hard for me to separate the feeling of being cheated on to technically simply 'sharing.' And Amber and I have grown very close now. I get her. I get him. I love them both now. It's a weird situation, but I'm happy for it. I'm blessed to have them in my life. I just, as I'm always saying, want J to want to be with me. Ideally as much as I do him. Time will tell. So Amber's not the one at fault in this, never has been. It's what I want Johnny to realize.

I'm in a turbulent point figuring out this love, and how it differs from the last. Everything is different in it. Even the friends. Chris' friends loved me immediately, and I still keep in touch with most of them. Johnny's friends I expected the same, but I've been met with shit talking, cold stares, and sort of half hearted welcomes. This is also hard for me. I've tried to be nothing but nice, and fun, and it seems they were hoping he'd pick another girl. I'm just me. Broken, and beautiful in my own way. There are PLENTY of guys out there that want my time. But I want his.

It's like Chuck Palahniuk says: The person you love and the person who loves you are never, ever the same.

I'm gunna lay down next to the one I love for now, and try to sleep now that my thoughts are out of my head and in a public forum haha. I've been with him for the last 24 hours and I'm gunna treasure that. Night. (Morning now technically!)

Left and alone

2009-07-03T04:50:00.001-07:00

I am fighting today and yesterday. I haven't given in, but it feels like depression is staring me in the face waiting for me to let it get me, but I won't. I can't fucking sleep, so I'll write.

I went out to the city yesterday to meet Johnny for karaoke. It was the first time he was to introduce me to his coworker friends. I invited Amber along, as I wanted her to sing and get some validation for getting up on stage. I met Johnny's friends, and they were all lovely. I kept getting a cold vibe from Gar, his bassist though. I wondered why this was. If he didn't like me. I found out later in the night it was probably withdrawal from coke. We talked. I was pretty hammered though, so I don't remember most of the conversation. I sang pretty well I guess. Had fun performing. Got lots of lovely compliments.

We got back to Johnny's however, and I finally realized how drunk I was. Again. Room spinney drunk. This wasn't from a multitude of liquor though, this was from a lack of eating, so I drank tons of water and J made us sandwiches. Then we went to bed. He had made noises about wanting time along the next day before band practice to himself. So when he fell asleep, I took off. I cried the whole way home, partly from the booze, and partly because his saying he wanted to be alone sort of triggered me. I wish I could explain it. But again, I suppose it's because I don't see him as often, yet he still wants to be alone.

Cept, he wasn't alone for too long because he called up Amber, and he spent the day with her instead. I was sort of hurt by this as well. I didn't give him alone time, so he could be with another girl. He's been better about making time for me which is good. But this situation had me feeling off. Especially from being sad the night before to leave. That took A LOT of strength because I knew I just wanted to stay there and be near him all day the next day. That was sort of the plan before he said he wanted time alone.

I wonder sometimes, if I'll ever find somebody who understands my illness and can work with me on it? Silence = death. Alone extended = Lonely.
He never asks if I'm having fun, or if I'm happy. If I'm around him I usually am. But he hasn't tried to interject himself at all into my life. That is one of the ten signs he's just not that into you.
I began feeling impulsive. I've gained a couple lbs back and I'm insecure about it. This isn't a good combination, because it makes me want to track down 'F' on Sunday and get some shit. In the name of the weight game. This is stupid, but it keeps crossing my mind.

We are going to be hanging Saturday for most of the day. I look forward to this. I want something else to look forward to.

Like I said, I'm not depressed, but it almost feels like it's lurking. It's summer. I need to get back into some old hobbies and such. I gotta keep it at bay while I figure shit out. Meanwhile, since I'm not sleeping coffee sounds good. Reheat some pasta or something. I gotta have another adventure...

Catching Up

2009-07-01T05:08:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry about the extended absence for those of you engrossed in my drama as of late. ;)

The Johnny story continues, and as I stated I wasn't entirely proud of myself for losing my she-balls. I was afraid I was slipping back into the Chris state of mind and I couldn't face myself to write about it here, to look back on. Or face any of you if I had truly lost the self respect I thought I'd learned in the year+ he's been out of my life. I needed a step back honestly, to get my thoughts, my life, and my gumption in order.

I gave him a week after our talk to observe if he'd change. To see if what I'd said mattered. To get the balls up to talk about it again. It ate at me like a cancer. For a few reasons. One, because, I was becoming friends with Amber during this time. To be by her side, to listen as she spoke of him, what she wanted, and to compassionately take that into account and figure out for myself who was truly meant to be with my boyfriend. To watch him, and see who he really had feelings for. To see whether I needed to make changes, or he did.
I observed many things.
I listened to many sides of the argument from Amber, from Johnny, and from my friends who never said hurtful things of Amber. Just looked out for my interests in the situation. Thank God for impartial friends, who just want what's best.

Meanwhile Thursday rolled around, the first real landmark. Johnny had planned to be at his bassists other bands show. At The Spine. (I've mentioned them previously, as they played in Glacier. This was the second opportunity to real catch them live.) Johnny had invited both Amber and I. As we were becoming friends, I was excited we both got to be around him. It was the best of compromises, as I had asked Johnny to see her less, under the basis of it felt like emotional cheating. It was simply too reminiscent of what I'd been through. I had spent the last week crying, and I knew I couldn't stay in that mental state forever. It would kill the relationship we had. Not because I didn't like Amber- quite the contrary- just because of the past they'd had, and how weird it was to explain, yet AGAIN, he was choosing to spend time with her over me.
I'm repeating myself.
Anyway, Johnny and I went to a lovely sushi dinner at a fav spot of ours Saki included, before the show. We strolled back to his apartment to wait for Amber to pick us up.
(Earlier I was informed of the sad news: Michael Jackson had passed. )
Soon enough Amber arrived and we were on our way to the Rendezvous, the venue. We were chatty and I was excited to hear the band, and honestly to fucking drink. The door guy was very flirty, but I wasn't interested. I had made a promise to Amber not to touch Johnny while we were there together, or I think he would've gotten the hint. The reason I made this promise was to make all parties comfortable when hanging out. I was ok with this, because it meant more people, and hopefully more fun for all parties involved.
So the drinking commenced. Starting with a vodka redbull. Jumping to a vodka Sunrise. Skipping to a Betty Belltown. Then a pause for a chat. Then more drinking. The buzz was Divine. The music was Divine. The boyfriend was gorgeous. I was still getting hit on when I'd walk away. At this point the night was great. Then the music began. I danced with Amber, and we talked and laughed and hung behind Johnny just a foot at a table. Meanwhile I'm still drinking. (This is foreboding...)

At The Spine was fun. We'd gotten wind of a Michael Jackson tribute occurring not too far away and decided to attend. So off the three of us gallivanted like some weird monage twa to a bar we got lost on the way to, after the show had officially ended.

I continued to drink. I lost track of how many. Soon, I was gone gone gone. We danced for a moment, before Amber drove us home. Johnny threw up soon after he exited the car. I cried on Amber for a moment, claiming I couldn't fuck up true love. She touched me affectionately, and told me to shut up. So J and I went upstairs, where I then decided I had very officially drunk too much and went to throw up in the bathroom. Second time ever in my life.

The days passed by, and still I couldn't find it in me to speak. Then, with Amber's encouragement got the gal up to say what I needed. As it turned out he had swung the tables evenly that week. I saw him as much as he saw her. I acknowledged this repeatedly during the conversation, stressed I was not trying to be a bitch, and hoped he'd continue to want to be around me.

That being said, all was right again. We have plans to be together more this week, than ever, and I'm content. I've only recently left his place to write this, because of allergies. I would go into more detail, but I've taken Benadryl and because it's working with it's intended purpose it's night night time. :) But all is good, I've refound my assertion, and I'll write again tomorrow. Hang tight, and hey, thanks for hanging at all. :D

Short summary

2009-06-27T02:14:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in nearly a week for a couple reasons. I'm giving Johnny time to try and see what he does, and if he takes my words to heart. I haven't brought the issue up again. I will tomorrow. I hope. I feel sort of defeated thinking that way. Like, not proud of myself I mean.

I'm soooooo tired right now. Yikes. For once. I'm gunna sum shit up in this one.

Amber and I are forming a friendship. I know, weird right? More on that in the next entry.

Umm saw At The Spine. Got REALLY WASTED. (I made myself throw up when I couldn't take the room spins anymore, relying on old tricks...)

I also want to write a blog about Michael Jackson. I have feelings on the topic, may he rest in peace.

Ok, that's it for now. I'll write when my brain resets!

For ME

2009-06-22T02:25:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1_FNg38F_g&feature=related

My fav commercial. Wanted to save the web addy so I had it for the future. Now I'm really going to bed.

100! The start of resolution. Glacier.

2009-06-21T16:48:00.000-07:00

I'm boiling water for tortellini. While I wait, I write. While I write, I work out my thoughts.

Amber picked us up yesterday at 1:30. We headed to the practice space. I was quiet. Reading my body language my arms were crossed and I was def closed off. I almost felt like the harder I clutched myself the more protected I was. I helped load the equipment into the car while we waited for the tour van to show up. Then I helped load up the van. Johnny was not being affectionate at all. Every time I tried to touch him he'd pat me and step away. I was SO UNCOMFORTABLE. Meanwhile Amber is talking talking talking about everything they have to do next week, and all their plans, and Gar, J's bassist, had to ask me what my name was which is fucked up since he's met me twice, and I'm his leader's gf. Hmm.

Just stuck the pasta in... 7 minutes to chow.

We got into the car and headed to the second location to pick up the other van, and the other band At The Spine. I began writing in my notebook. I made sure to bring it. I knew I would likely be inspired to write. I never felt emotional pain. Just uncomfortableness. Amber had the upperhand.

Observing them interact you'd assume they were in the relationship and not Johnny and I. They had the rapport, and the stories about friends, and all the other stuff. I sat there thinking 'will J and I ever have that?' I doubted.

We got to the second location and I helped load up the equipment there too. Feeling only a touch more open after Johnny came and sat next to me for a sec, that was quickly gone when we got back in the car for the two hour ride to Glacier.

Chow time.

I didn't fuck up the pasta this time, and there's enough for leftovers. Yay!

I began specifically interacting with Amber. Asking her questions about up upbringing, her college experience, and other information. She was open and talkative. I remembered why I liked her. Cuz I do. I just don't like what she's doing to our relationship. I don't like the stuff she says on facebook. But as a person... She's got a good heart. And maybe... Deep down, very very very painfully, she's supposed to be with my boyfriend. Or maybe I've drunk the koolaid.

The ride wasn't actually that long. It was made longer by the fact I had to pee like a son of a bitch. The weather out there was perfect northwest weather. I wore a hoodie and pants. It wasn't raining, but it could have started at any moment.

My hearts doing flip flops writing this out again...

The band we got there on was screaming, and totally lame. It was about 5 o clock, and I'm not gunna lie. I was ready to start drinking then. But we waited patiently for At The Spine to show up in the other van. I decided to go exploring. J and A decided to tag along. It didn't last long. It didn't matter, soon the other band was there and we went inside to order food and drink. The place was like a semi-large cabin on the inside, and the bands played on the porch facing a large backyard. It's way back in the woods. I couldn't eat anything on the menu due to allergies, but mostly the diet. I gained 2 lbs back and I hit a plateau before that. I gotta kick it into high gear. Besides, I knew I was gunna DRINK that night anyway, so I was saving calories for that.

Johnny got me a vodka cran on the band's tab which was cool. I sucked that puppy down, and after words began feeling a bit more talkative, and friendly. My arms left my side. After J finished his he began to be a bit more affectionate as well. I sighed in relief. Soon, the tables had turned in my favor. We were holding each other. I was, however, at the same time, believe it or not, trying to be sensitive to when Amber was watching. I didn't need to rub her face in it. It would be like having Wayne a couple years ago get a girlfriend while I was still in love with him and so I could understand that.

Finally, Johnny and the boys took the stage. They sounded FANTASTIC! I was jumping around drinking more, singing, having a total blast. Amber and I at that point began to talk. I don't entirely remember all of the conversation. But in essence she said her life sucked, she wished she had Johnny, and made a couple of snarky comments that kind of hurt my feelings. But the vibe wasn't bad even through that. It was good. We connected. I talked about how they connected. And in that moment I knew I had to forfeit. In that moment. I drank some more. He likes me. He doesn't love me. And I'm certainly not his best friend. I think her assumption may be true... He loves her and doesn't know how to reconsile it, so he gets a girlfriend that fits. Someone he knows won't come between them. Someone whose assertion has gone the way of the doo doo.

The concert was shut down at ten to midnight by the po po. Noise complaints. 25 of them. That's how awesome we were. Johnny had to piss and wandered off into the woods. I stood gaurd for him. After standing gaurd for a moment he kissed me. He proceded to walk back to the car get what we needed, and get busy in the woods... I wanted to enjoy the direction the sex had taken in our lives. The thought crossed my mind that this could be one of the last times, so I wanted to take the moment in and not for granted. As we were composing ourselves Amber texted to ask where we were. We went back, got a final beer because they were out of liquor, and hopped in the car to go home. For the first time in awhile I stumbled over words, and could tell how drunk I was. Normally I conduct myself pretty well. I think it was not having eaten at all. I think I wasn't in the total frame of mind not to be fucked up. So it just came out that way.

On the way home I wrote. They stopped at McDonald's and I got a salad. I was sooooooo tired. But of course, no Xanax means no sleep. Not even on the car ride- I was afraid of the consequences anyway. We got back to the practice space and unloaded her car. Then she drove J and I back to his place where we agreed we were too tired for a second round and promptly fell asleep. I was up again 3 hours later.

I couldn't fall back asleep not from just insomnia bullshit, but because anxiety was eating me. I'd been meaning to have this conversation two times now, and had pussed out. I wondered whether I'd have the balls to say it this time. I was so tired even still. I waited around for a couple hours doing various things online, and finally laid down again next to Johnny. He woke up an hour later and cuddled with me for awhile. Then, I felt it was time to do exactly as Shane had suggested. I bared a bit more of my soul. Some of the iffy things. Nothing too dark. He again took it in stride like a man, and I wasn't unhappy I had told him. When he got up I called my Dad. My parents are doing something awkward and it's mess and I'll write about it in another entry cuz that would make this one REALLY long. Anyway, Johnny asked me about it, and at that point I said let me ask you something. What is going on with you and Amber? And he said what do you mean? I told him to sit down and we went from there. I didn't say everything I wanted to. I didn't even really make my point clear about the inappropriateness of it. He just ended up feeling frustrated too and his true point for it was that everyone wanted his attention and he couldn't give it to everyone. He also said he couldn't change anything. I almost cried then. But I didn't. When I made the point he has forfeited time to be with me for her, he said 'yeah well, I've forfeited time with her to be with you.' At which point I said 'I know that. But I'm your girlfriend. How would you feel if you were me? And he said I don't know. Then he shut up.

... It was more than unsatisfying. That was his reply. "Well, I've dropped time with her to spend with you."

He went to get ready for work then and I tried to focus on something else for the moment. But soon idiot gear kicked in and I wandered back to the bathroom. I had to ask. "If you *could* spend more time with me, would you or are you happy with the time we have now?" He said looking in the mirror "I like how much time we have together now. I think where we are is fine."

I went to the couch at that point and cried. I didn't let him see me. That's when the really shitty emotional pain started. The kind that grips you and doesn't fucking let go. I had ALMOST forgotten how baldy that hurts. I pulled it together when he came back. He had mentioned wanting alone time more. Being the only factor I could change I offered to quit spending nights there, and offered him more time alone. He said that doesn't mean I want to spend LESS time with you, I just can't give you any more.

I want to be around him whenever I can. I want to be alone every now and then too, but an hour or two away is enough for me. And the fact he doesn't want to, that thought, caused the tears to come in front of him. I wiped them away quickly and said I'm sorry. He asked why I was crying and I said "you just don't want to be around me more than necissary." He said "I only have to work this many shifts through the summer then I can." I shrugged. At that point he had to leave for work, but asked to see me Tuesday. I told him yes and came home to think.

I wasn't clear enough in our conversation, because I was too focused on trying to convey compassion, and make sure he understood I wasn't mad- just sad. If he truly can't change anything about spending time with her, it's unfortunate. And that emotional pain will come back. And it'll fucking eat me alive too. But this conversation isn't over, because I won't stagnate again. I mean, the thought occured to me just wait summer out then. He'll have less shifts, see you more. But that really isn't the heart of the problem. It's the feeling like I'm being cheated on. Worse, by someone I like- and can not judge because she wants what I want.

So Tuesday...
It continues I suppose. And I guess my Dad was right. It probably will come down to me or her. And at that point

I lose.

Post 99- Place marker.

2009-06-20T12:09:00.000-07:00

There is much to say, and not enough time currently. I will fill in the details when I get home again.
I'm getting ready to head to Seattle, to go to Glacier to face a personal challenge. I want to see my still boyfriend. I am excited to hear his music. I am going to be in the car for hours with his other sudo- girlfriend. I can't truly understand my motivations in this moment for what could be heartache and torture... But I am up after not enough sleep to do this.

I began to write a blog yesterday chronicling the events of the last two days, but it was deleted and I was pissed, so I didn't write it again. But stuff has changed, and the wind is uneasy. I'm hoping to escape from feeling so in between.

I apologize for not being on top of responding to all your blogs yet, but I will. As soon as I get back I promise to catch up on blogspot. Thanks to ALL of you who responded to my blog ...again! That meant so much to me as I was needing a little validation and support, and to know I was at least somewhat right. You all rock.

See you soon.

Drink (Drink Drink)- Levi Weaver

2009-06-18T20:04:00.001-07:00

Drink, drink, drink
whether it proves
or solves a thing
it's not the point
I'm just trying to forget
that I got things to forget
if I just avoid the gin
I'll be the heartbeat
of the party
in an hour or so...

Gone, gone, gone
just some girl but more my pride
its proof no matter how i try
most things are out of my control
so let's make it uniform
I can't play but I'll perform
for anybody who doesn't ask
for one thing more

One more, one more, one more
and I'll be through
you'll go home
and I'll go home
and I'll have one more
or two...

Drink drink drink
I know my dad would not approve
but he don't hurt the way I do
drink drink drink
til tomorrow tucks me in
and while my room begins to spin
I hang on and
I pretend...

... Again

2009-06-18T04:13:00.000-07:00

He spent another night with her...

Amber.

He had the chance to see me and chose her.

I'm not really in a good space right now.

Which means... As my Dad says...

I'm sharing my man with another woman. Again.

I was feeling bad earlier today, and I spoke to my best friend. She gave me great advice. But then it got worse. Another day, you know? Another day without me, and with her.

If he loves me as he says he does, why doesn't he feel the same?

He doesn't feel the same. I'm a fucking stupid bitch. Why I did this to myself again I don't know. Because I hoped he'd feel the same? Because as soon as we said we were bf and gf I thought it would change? Hahaha. Come on girl. Fairy Tales get you nowhere now, do they?

I wished, I really did. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to give it a chance. I wanted to be ok, and be cool, and handle it all... But I guess the broken pieces of my heart just can't...

The tears running down my face betray me. I am not as hard as I pretend. My heart is not as protected as I thought, and love can not overcome everything I wish.

Yes, she manipulates me.

I've read her entries, her thoughts, and somehow...

I am broken.

I can not.

No. I will not.

If this is how he wants it... Then why pretend? What you say and what you do are two different things.

I was stupid to want happiness. Because this is brokenhearted. Again.

These are tears again- I'm not meant to be with anyone. I can't deal with this with anyone, ever.

My past has made sure of that.

So now, the talk tomorrow. I'm sorry for being so STUPID. So fucking silly. If you have what you want... Go for that. Who am I? Some fucking substitute for love? Yeah, I don't want that. I'm not making up for what you lack in someone else. You don't want that either, do YOU?

You could have seen me... You could have told me... But you didn't.

I've laid my heart out again only to be laid apon.

So here I am. Me. Just me. Always only me.

And that's all there ever will be.

I.L.Y

2009-06-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

I told him.
I finally said it.
We were sitting on the couch watching something, drinking wine and I had the overwhelming urge to just say it. Repeatedly. It felt like I couldn't not say it.
"Johnny, I love you."
"Huh?"

Yep. Exactly how I pictured it. ;) Perfect romantic response. Huh?

I buried my head in his shoulder and said "You missed it. I'm not gunna say it again, never mind." And he said "I didn't hear what you said." And I laughed. We watched tv for a little while longer and then I decided to say it again.
This time he said it back. :)

Meanwhile Amber was trying to IM him away in the background. Sigh. I think this may have been a bad sign...

I tried to explain poorly that I had been thinking about it for awhile, and I meant it... But I trailed off and felt like an ass. Yet I was so happy, and so excited to be there.

Then he got tired and went to bed. Then I was left feeling sad... Like something was supposed to change, or something was supposed to happen differently, though I have no idea what.

I think I was just sad to have to leave. It's getting harder to leave, the more attached I get.
How did I get attached like this? I thought I was being more careful. Course, I thought that when I was saying I didn't want a relationship because the pain of Chris was so fresh. I wish he would tell me he doesn't want me to leave, but I had to leave because today I had an apt with an eye doctor.

I have an ulcer eating my eye. Isn't that exciting? Not. I'm back in glasses for a time. It's kinda painful. It's not as painful as some of my other body parts right now though, surprisingly.
I get new contacts next week. Boring, I know.

So I'm missing him right now. He asked me to tour with him to Glacier this weekend though for a show, and I said I'd go. I'm excited to hear him play again! I'm not excited to run into Amber there, as I'm pretty sure she'll be there.

She's making me super uncomfortable by posting all these things on facebook undermining our relationship. Asking the universe to grant her, her "binary star" (Johnny) and such. She keeps hoping we'll break up. I want us to get stronger. I want him to feel more for me. I know he said he loves me... But he acts like he likes me. Is it me? Or him?

What can I do to make him happy? Want to be around me more? Is there anything?

Now I feel like time apart for my feelings to die down may be worth it. I don't want to be totally out of control. Maybe if he just had more time to miss me or something. I wish Amber could tell Johnny how she feels, or get over it, or something. I wish I wasn't letting it affect me this much... But it's too close for comfort. There are already things working against me. Is this how it always will be when pursuing someone?

Anyway, it's only 8 but I'm tired. My eye is tired. I'lll write again soon for sure.

Withdrawal?!?

2009-06-14T23:14:00.000-07:00

Oh lord.

I started feeling withdrawal last night. I couldn't believe it when it came on. It wasn't too bad or anything. But it was there.

Fucking Ambien! I blacked out and took too many Xanax too quickly. Now here I am AGAIN. Even though I know for a fact how to be careful about it and shit! I never had this with just Xanax. Last night I fought through it with vodka, and benadryl. The withdrawal hit me again this evening. I couldn't bring myself to drink anymore vodka, so I took one pill to slake it off. My supply is dwindling. I guess I have to figure out a way now to get some. Normally with the withdrawals I'd ride it out, but I guess now I have a valid reason to go talk to a clinic, get a bottle, taper off properly and still have some for when I really need it. I hate insomnia. Hate hate hate it.

I'm hoping no one judges me for this, because this certainly was not my plan.

Talked to Johnny for a moment tonight, and after I left he said he really wished I hadn't, and missed me. Aww. I was gentle, but I told him he needed to be more assertive when telling me what he wanted, and that the mixed signals really threw me for a loop last night. (Which they did.)
We're getting together tomorrow night, after I go see my first love Alastair, and his new girlfriend Sarah whom I adore as well.

I'm getting ready to turn in early tonight, and hopefully sleep. I took the Xanax hours ago, but I'm feeling calm enough that maybe it'll happen for me. Wish me luck.

BPD Episode- ho boy.

2009-06-14T00:45:00.001-07:00

(1am) I'm in the middle of a BPD episode. Here's what it feels like:

WHO THE FUCK AM I? WHY DON'T I LIKE WHO I AM RIGHT NOW? I NEED OUT OF MY HEAD! IF I DON'T TALK TO SOMEBODY AND NOT BE ALONE I'M GOING OFF THE DEEP END FOR SURE. DRINKING, DRUGS, SOMETHING TO CALM ME! I'M GETTING IMPULSIVE AND STUPID...

Johnny set me off to be perfectly honest- not intentionally mind you and I certainly don't blame him, hell, he doesn't know he did. So please, this is all me and my reactions, but I've been writing only the good stuff and brushing aside some of the random things that have crossed my mind, and fuck, now they've built up and here I am. Crawling in my skin.
He's so fucking good to me- but he doesn't know how to handle me yet, nor I him. So here is my psychological diarrhea babble that may or may not be imagined... Fair warning.

We spent the last 24 hours together. I picked him up last night as I said in my last post and everything went as I posted. Then after we got up this afternoon I was late to practice cuz I hadn't slept, so I said fuck it, I was happy and didn't wanna go. So eventually we got up and wandered to the living room where I played my keys and wrote some music. He got online for a couple hours and played games and such. He wasn't really touching me much though. I started thinking about the fact he never reaches out to me for affection. After I've given him a decent amount of time without touching him, usually 30 minutes to an hour, I curl up next to him again for a moment to be near him, and let go again. But he doesn't seem to need the same of me.
He doesn't ever ask me about myself. It's hard to get him to talk as much in general. Last night was so nice because we talked intimately and connected. And he was super affectionate eventually- but it seems it takes a couple drinks for him to get that way usually. He was pretty standoffish at Ofins til about drink three, then all was good.

I asked him about the plan today, before we really got up- before band practice was supposed to commence- and asked if he needed time by himself- and he said he'd like to go home and be alone. I realize you need time alone in relationships and shit, really, logically it totally makes sense... But when we only see each other three times a week at best for a couple hours it seems to me you have enough time alone. But this could just be me. The only time this hasn't been the case was this weekend and last. Still, I offered so I set myself up. Round 8 I drove him home. When I asked him if he wanted to just drop me off he said 'either way.'
That's when the uncomfortable feeling started.
I wasn't sure how to read this, and I wanted to see him longer so I said 'well, I guess I'll come up for a little then go home if that's ok.' he said sure pretty nonchalantly, and I parked the car.
I've always been uncomfortable in knowing how much space a guy needs. I'm pretty sensitive about it. I DON'T want anyone to feel obligated to spend time with me. I don't want to be needy or clingy, so I don't push for more time than someone wants to offer. When someone doesn't care about seeing me either way... Especially a boyfriend... It tends to hurt my feelings a little. I tried to play it off like I wasn't feeling anything but happy, but pretty soon without fail the insecurity began to shine through...
We got up to his apartment, then walked to the store for toilet paper. While there he asked if I wanted a bottle of wine. I said 'either way babe. It's up to you' and he bought one. I had no idea if that insinuated he expected me to stay and drink it with him, and whether he was being nice, or wanted to spend time with me, since he said he wanted time alone later. I was growing more uncomfortable by the second.
We got up to the apartment again, and he sat on the computer and pretty much talked to Amber on messenger for a good hour and a half and hardly said two words to me. I'm sitting there the whole time thinking 'I should just go. This is stupid, and I'm recalling feelings of being with Chris when he was paying attention to other girls around me.' I wondered what they were talking about, not that it was any of my business. Then I wondered if he wanted to be alone, so she could come over. I began to be a little jealous, which usually isn't me. I began driving myself slowly crazy and finally I decided I'd leave as soon as King Of The Hill ended, and that this was becoming a way bigger issue than it probably was. Fuck me, I'm so sensitive to that shit! I just wondered if he wanted me to leave, and yet I didn't want to. That's when he asked if I wanted a glass of wine. FUCK! So I smiled and said sure.
I drank the wine quickly and headed for the door. It was midnight then. I knew I was spiraling into a night of madness if I was alone, so I called Frank.

I'm writing the rest of this after seeing Frank. He graciously let me come over with the rest of the vodka, and we sat and talked and I sort of laid on him for affection, which is actually pretty crucial for me to get right again. It's either get affection, or self injure, but I made sure not to feel like I was crossing any lines though... He made me a taco and I talked actually about Johnny, and about the direction my life was heading and such. He listened and gave me some advice and actually, pretty soon I was back to my usual self.
I did ask him something though, I've wondered in the near year we've known each other: why is it we never ended up together? He's given me excuses and bullshit reasons, but I wanted the truth. And I guess the truth is the age difference. He's gunna be 40 in August. Age differences have never bothered me. He doesn't look 40, and as far as I'm concerned we have great chemistry and stuff (he agrees) ... But also, as I've stated, I think I'm too much of a mess as a person for him. He thinks I have a mature outlook on shit, but that doesn't change the fact I'm 25, and I can't get older for him. So, oh well. He's great to be around though and I love him as a person.

So now I'm home, not sleeping, but ok mentally again. Johnny posted something to my facebook around 2 hours ago about the good time he had, and I just sighed. How do I explain how what happened earlier sets me off? The mixed signals and the internal struggle I have inherited from my exs and the ways they've taught me to be? The space thing? And how that translates into I logically get it, but it means you're just wanting to see someone else in my experience? How I fucking hate having BPD but it *does* exist and this does affect how we interact? How none of this has ever been his fault, but he can cause it?
I have to tell him somehow, someday.
And someday I love you is gunna fall out of my mouth too, and this prospect is scary as well. There's no going back from that. Once it comes to that, I let myself go there completely by sharing the feeling... That's when the serious episodes start. That's when I'll start craving more time and when ultimately he can't give it, that'll set me off too...
FUCK MAN!

I gotta lay down and try to sleep. I just want to say though again, that this was my reaction to shit, and not Johnny's fault or anything. I see this. I know we're famous for only loving or hating, but I can think about these two emotions logically. I just can't feel them logically.
Night.

Welcome to My World

2009-06-13T08:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a full day. I did errands, trying to get ready for Johnny to come to my place for the first time. I cleaned, I bought liquor, I bought gas, went to the store and got mixers, got some candles because yes, seduction is key. :) I had a hard time sleeping the night before because I was excited for him to meet some of my friends and hear me sing again. I planned a shindig for the end of quarter for my psych class. (I got a B+ and was expecting an A-. Ack!) And a few people had promised to come. Everyone started bailing at the last minute and it actually really hurt because when I get my expectations up to a certain point I get pretty crushed. But the important part was Johnny, and getting to see him. So I arrived at his place round 9:30 and picked him up. Then we drove to pick up Michael another friend of mine I adore. Then we headed to O Finnigans my fav bar and settled in for what would be a promising evening.
Some of the regulars were there, everyone in good spirits and hanging out, getting drunk and singing. I got a couple requests and sang those. Did rather well. Pretty soon I wasn't giving a shit about the bar or the other people there, I was just hanging on the boyfriend. He sang The Toadies at some point at then everyone was coming to him and teling him what a good job he did. I stood by and beamed. I was happy he was there. Soon as we got a little drunk we were making out and at that point I said we better call it a night, so we came back here for the vodka I'd bought and talked for some time.

But as usual, we couldn't keep our hands off each other, so after the first round we smoked a cigarette outside, and touching him was seriously turning me on again so I threw him to the ground in the middle of the apt complex and did him there again. Unfortunetely the sprinklers were coming on so they chased us back inside where we did it on the table, and eventually wound back up in bed. It was pretty fucking hot if I may say so. Maybe I'll try for the woods or kitchen today, since he's sleeping in the other room, and my fucking insomnia allowed for 3 hours. I popped a Xanax which isn't really helping, and I'm considering another but I'm gunna run out of those so fast. I have anxiety thinking about how miserable I'm gunna be until next month's ambien again. I popped the last of that last night...

So it's a shorter entry but he likes my friends, and he's sleeping in the other room and I'm headed there again now. I have band practice later and I gotta be on time. So sleep now. Worry later. :)

Out of mind. Be back in 5.

2009-06-10T20:20:00.001-07:00

I'd forgotten how insane I get on Ambien. I remember some of it. Some of it I don't. I ALWAYS manage to o.d on it, *Every. Time.* I got the script Sunday. I've already taken 20 of the pills. I don't remember taking more than 2 any of the nights. But 20 are missing, and I don't remember much of Monday at all. I saw a movie with my Dad when I got up, then promptly came home and zonked out again. I sent out a mass I love you text at some point...

Dear God the sleep is AMAZING! I had forgotten how REAL I feel after I've had some. I'm just completely different when I've slept. But when I'm wandering around after taking the ambien I'm also a different person. A person people have commented, is not me. I repeat myself, and I either get hysterical over imagined wrong doings, or talk nonstop. I realize these are side effects, and horrible, but I can not help it! I feel so bad for the people who must deal with these episodes! When I lived alone I remember slipping into the insanity and wishing someone were there to help me, talk to me, keep me sane, but then I'd end doing massively crazy shit and wondering if I should be locked up, where they dole out the neds properly and people are paid to make sure I don't wander off lost, without my brain, speaking of some imagined life event. Sometimes I remember slipping into the in between state and thinking I was dying, and occasionally welcoming it, occasionally upset over it. This was before I discovered that Xanax did the same for sleep, gave me a great relieved euphoric feeling, and I didn't black out and take whole bottles of a time on it. (Minus that one night when I mixed it with vodka...)
It's in these moments I feel sorry for the poor bastard who ends up with me.
Scratch that. I'm gunna end up alone.

Chris swears up and down there was a night I had taken my ambien, we got into a fight and I threw a phone at his head. I remember the night in question. I had forwarded some of the texts he'd sent to other girls to my phone, as proof he was lying and to confront the fact that he was cheating on me yet again. He said something that was OBVIOUSLY a lie and when I told him I knew the truth for a fact and he denied it AGAIN. Nothing gets me going more quickly than someone lying to me when I KNOW the truth. At that point I (gently) tossed the phone next to him with the text in question open. He freaked out and began to get angry at me (as all liars do to deflect) and swore I was trying to kill him with it. I absolutely was not. I was literally standing ten feet from him. He freaked, which made me freak, which sent him on his way, which sent me into a bpd episode just as the ambien was kicking in... I took a cocktail of drugs that night without memory of it, managed to somehow rip my favorite pair of sheets down the middle, and popped part of my screen out of my window. Yup. Crazy.

Normally I pride myself on being very logical when it comes to others emotions. Before I react to how someone acts towards me I try to figure the motivation behind it, and either talk about it, or have compassion for it. Like with Amber, Johnny's best friend. I knew why she was cold to me when we met, I saw right through her. I tried not to judge, and even though I was hurt because I hoped she would accept me as part of her life, I realized this was unlikely seeing as how she was in love with him. I was a threat, and nothing more. When she reached out to me I took this as a good sign, and opened myself and trusted my intuition. Then when Johnny and I made it official Amber ended contact with me, and the tentative line I had tried to build with her was broken. I was sorry I had tried. I should have known that if I got what I wanted she wasn't going to be happy for me. She was going to be heartbroken, and her own grief consuming her couldn't be happy for the contentment J and I found. That's logical. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

So I'm logical and understanding when it comes to others emotions, thats all fine and good, but mine are fucked. I hate acting insane. I hate admitting what I've just admitted in this blog. I feel ashamed and vulnerable. I don't want to be crazy. I don't want this insomnia. I dont want to lose track of the ambien Ive taken one night in a blackout and check out for good. I don't EVER want Johnny to see me on the ambien... And I can't take the Xanax I have now, because like an idiot in my blackouts I've been popping those too without memory of it. Shit man! I'm not scared of anything, but when I think about this... I can see a trainwreck coming.
It's like the ambien takes hold of all the shit I suppress during the day and lets it loose all at once in a big whirlwind of fuckery.

So which is worse? Not sleeping and being sick? Or downing $50 of ambien in one night because the dr's afraid I'm gunna be addicted to Xanax?

WHY CAN'T THEY FIGURE OUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

I'm not gunna accidentally off myself on the ten pills I have left this month, and I've hidden the Xanax in a place I hope I forget when I'm without my brain.

I'm sad that this is the way it is... I'm ashamed, and I wish it wasn't like this.

I just hope someday I get better at least for awhile to sleep and wake like a normal person. To feel healthy again. But until then I'll get high cuz it's the closest thing to healthy I can feel.

From C to J- A Note About Passion

2009-06-07T18:38:00.000-07:00

This is my second post today, but I feel like writing this one today.

I spent the whole weekend with Johnny. I got there on Friday night and parked on my usual street. We watched tv and talked, and we made dinner together. It is sweltering hot in his apartment this time of year. The first night was blissfully uneventful, but lovely in the sense we just talked and watched tv.

Last night we bought a bottle of wine and drank for awhile. After having sex we decided to take the pills I had bought. So we walked back to my car and got them, then dropped. After awhile I started feeling them but J still wasn't feeling anything. He was patronizing me in the affection department, but I could tell he wasn't there yet. So I bid my time enjoying the sensation. It was a very light roll, but it was still pleasant.
Finally J looked at me and said 'whoah.' I smiled. He was there. Mine was quickly fading, but he asked to go to the bedroom, so I accompanied him there. He grabbed onto me and held me tight, kissing me and I was having a delightful time enjoying his gorgeous body. But...
My mind wandered. He wasn't very talkative. And it simply wasn't the same. My mind wandered to the nights I spent rolling with Chris, and for the first time in a very long time... I missed him.
We had such passion. We had sparks. We were always in sync rolling. We'd talk and make out and listen to the same music we had discovered together. He always said the right things. (Course that was always, and not just on ecstasy.) Johnny is really, really great. He treats me well, and he would never betray me in such ways, repeatedly.
But I miss aspects of what I had with Chris. Just the feeling. That all consuming desire and love.
I couldn't not tell him I loved him. And he always took what I said in stride.
I didn't tell Johnny I loved him. It came to my lips once or twice, but I always stopped it there. I'm glad I held back. It wasn't time.
This whole courting thing has been completely different for me. I played it like a game with strategy and listened to advice. In the end I got what I wanted. But it feels so reserved. I'm not myself entirely. He doesn't know my secrets. My blog readers know more about me than he does.
What am I afraid of?
Chris knew everything... He's the only one ever I think, besides maybe Bevin. But he is the only one who saw me like my family has seen me. He's the only one who knew how to set me off too, without fail. I was the worst version of myself around him, because he knew how to bring that out of me.
I miss the feeling. I miss the passion. I even miss the best version of Chris a little right now.
But I want to build a strong relationship with J, based on honesty and respect. And that's something we never had.
I just hope that passion returns to me someday, preferably with Johnny. Meanwhile I'm going to treat him well, and hope for the best.

For Nikita S.I

2009-06-07T14:05:00.000-07:00

We had been fighting again, my mother and I. Something about my school work not being done properly I'm sure. Something about the house not being clean enough. Something about me simply not being a good enough daughter.
I wandered upstairs at bedtime and into the bathroom. 'Tylenol.' I picked it up with my eleven year old hands and read the bottle. 'For pain.' I was in loads of emotional pain. I considered this for a moment and shook a handful into my palm. Then popped them into my mouth and swallowed them. I did this once more, and wandered to my room to lie down.
I was thinking I wanted to end the emotional pain for sure, and I'm pretty sure I knew enough of the stuff would kill me. I'm pretty sure I *hoped* enough of the stuff would kill me. Even after eleven years, I was ready to be done with it.
The next morning I was very sick to my stomach and stayed home from school, under the watchful eye of my mother, who was none the wiser after the last night's botched attempt.

The next time I decided to try it on for size, I was twelve. I had been assaulted and nearly raped in a park not two weeks prior. I wasn't thinking like a kid in terms of mortality anymore. I was now very much no longer innocent, and had been depressed for quite some time. I wandered back into that same bathroom and grabbed the razor I had recently started shaving with. Gasping for air through my desperate sobs I laid the razor across my left wrist and made several quick slicing motions. I saw the blood.
But there was no pain.
How fucked up is it, I thought to myself, that I am in so much emotional pain that I can't even FEEL physical pain?
I watched it pour out of me and strangely began to calm down. It was like I had done something that somehow in my mind had evened things. I did not know that day, that this would be my ultimate demon for the rest of my life. I had in that simple slicing motion opened the door to the illness I've been cursed with. An illness where my emotions are horribly deep, fleeting, and often impulsive. An illness called BPD.

Anytime after that I fought with my mom I ran to the bathroom, my sanctuary, and made wounds. Occasionally thinking this time I was going to kill myself, and other times just punishing myself. It was never ever ok to yell back at my mother, to be angry around her, or to disagree with her. It ALWAYS caused tension and after she would shove me against a wall or raise her hand I would run and do the only thing I was good at: punish myself further. At one point it was a daily thing. I always cut in the same place- on my left wrist, and it had become so bad I was cutting on top of cuts, on top of cuts. I'm lucky I don't have more scars than I do.

I wish I could tell you, dear Nikita, that this is something I've grown out of, or that I've found a way to manage, but this would be a lie, and I have promised myself not to lie here. But I will tell you this: I have gotten better. I have not hurt myself in quite sometime. The last major episode was October of last year after I got a d.u.i. Sometime after leaving Salt Lake for Seattle I switched places on my body. Now I use my left ankle. I have a major scar from this. I may post a pic later... But I don't want to trigger you. I have cut only once since October, and it was not a major episode, as I was able to cut and quickly get into my mind again.

I know how hard it is to struggle with this. And all I can do is offer myself and say I'm here. I know you don't want to talk when you're so upset you feel like cutting, but if you need compassion after the fact I'm here. I always am. And there's nothing wrong with you. We just understand pain a little differently than most people do.