Hello Saturday afternoon. I am home again, for the moment, craving a cig like nobody's business and thinking far too much again. Perhaps a cig will help with that too. Stay here while I run to the Sev...
Ok, ten minutes later and we're good. Johnny's last performance was a blast to watch. He jumped around on stage and sang well. He looked gorgeous and after he spent some time with me alone, just talking to me. While the evening was shared it didn't feel like it as much. It was more cohesive overall and I have to think that he paid attention to what I was saying about those things. I felt like his girlfriend that night, and not a tag along.
I invited Summer's friend Chelsea to come out after she finished her final and we got a chance to talk. She brought out two of her friends as well and we all chatted for a few minutes. As I was standing up by the stage at some point I looked back at her and noticed she was pointing at me and Johnny and Amber, so I wandered back and was like "I know you were talking about me" she laughed and said "I was explaining to my friend here about who was with who and such." I looked at him and said "I'm with the lead" and then we talked for a few minutes about Post Ado itself, and Johnny's music.
When Michelle, the drummer's wife showed up, I didn't say hello immediately. She was entereted in to a convo with Chelsea herself and to be honest I'd never really talked to her. I am always apprehensive to talk to people straight away in situations like that when I have no common ground.
Believe it or not, before I talk to anyone, even with as outgoing as I am I try to get a reading on them first so I can find something to say that's engaging. However, when I did get the chance I popped over to her and said hello and she said "I hardly recognized you in jeans! You always wear skirts!" I laughed and said "yeah, that's my rock gear. I love mini skirts. Tonight felt a little more like a jeans night and I haven't done laundry since I haven't been home."
Anyway, that started us talking about other things and joking around. I felt like it was good for another thing to be included in.
The second band was really pretty good. The kind of music I like, very nordic rockish. I loved their first song. Spoke to a few of the band members, met another lovely girl called Amy. Then I had a conversation with Amber...
I tried to convay some of the things I've said in here to her face. I know she reads this, but I felt like I wanted to say something more than hello. I drove seperately over to the bar thinking I wouldn't drink much and turned her down for a ride. I wasn't sure how she'd take it, but it was good that it worked out that way because I called Frank before and we ended up hitting a burrito place before the show. I didn't even get there til 8:30.
I was nervous before. Honestly, he sort of calmed me down. I was nervous because I was so excited to see J play again, but apprehensive because I didn't want to feel on the outside again.
That brings me to another dream I had last night. It was about Johnny and I, and we were talking and laughing. I felt comfortable at that point to say something real to him which stopped it and got us in a confrontation again.
I think I know what my subconscious is trying to tell me. I'm worried that I'll ruin every good time we have because when we're close like that it's when I want to talk to him, and that's what has happened twice now. It's not healthy. I wish I knew how to read that better. I don't fuck up like that with anyone else. It's like holding a butterfly in your hand or something. It's beautiful and delicate, but while it's yours you know you have to be careful with it. Oiy. I wish I were less complicated. I wish he knew how much I cared. It's my motivation for everything right now.
I have fallen in love again. :) It's a song called "I Get Off" (Halestorm) and I heard it for the first time on the way to the High Dive. Damn, I envy the chick who sings. The song is harder and like seriously gets my adrenaline going. Makes me motivated to start running again. I have to be even more careful with that now thanks to the athsma. I am paranoid. I've never been that worried about anything except having my sleeping pills on me. That attack really changed my life...
I'm running out to see Summer now for the first time since before Utah. I should finish writing that song, but it' s working out in my head. So, that's good. Plus having a new song to be crazy about always motivates me to do something similar. I'll have to start another one. Perhaps tomorrow.